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For December



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Year Six

Posted by xRainx , 30 December 2015 · 95 views

I've come to realize that I will always live with this. I might have reached a place where I don't feel guilty, and I know that they deserve all the guilt, but I know that I will always feel some kind of way about this - and strong isn't the first feeling. 
 
This year, my best friend and I got married. The wedding was everything that I w...


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I love and hate traveling

Posted by xRainx , 24 July 2015 · 153 views

I was excited to go on my trip, but when I stepped up to security, I remembered why I hate traveling by plane. Those stupid body scanners trigger me every single time. I get anxious knowing that someone is looking at my body inside and out. And what's worse is that I have to consent if I want to fly. I never get picked to go through the metal detector. I...


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Year Five

Posted by xRainx , 31 December 2014 · 262 views

It has been a long time since I've written here. Might as well get this "anniversary reflection" done on the last day of the year.

It's been 5 years since the r*pe. Five whole years this month.

A lot has changed. I have a fiancé whom I LOVE. We're getting married this summer. Y'all were right, when the right guy comes along, he'll understand ever...


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Year Four

Posted by xRainx , 31 December 2013 · 205 views

I have been putting my yearly update off, but since today is the last day of the year, I guess I'll get it over with.

This years anni wasn't plagued with memories like the last. I was a little jumpy and I
tremored some, and a I was a little down, but for the most part, that day's problems were normal problems. I went to work, I replaced

the headlight...


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Eff memories

Posted by xRainx , 02 July 2013 · 279 views

I'm having one of those days where the I cannot close the floodgates to my memories. People and things I have managed to not think of are pouring back on top of me right now.

After I got hurt the first time, my sexual sense of worth did decrease. But after I was raped in graduate school, who I was completely broke. I let people use me. It was more d...


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I miss my dreams of flying

Posted by xRainx , 21 June 2013 · 273 views

I miss the days when my reoccurring dream was about flying.

It took awhile for me to learn to fly. At first, I'd run, and jump, and hover. But soon, I progressed to gliding over everyone and everything around me. But I would always come down after a few moments of peace.

As I grew older and my dreams grew bigger, I was finally able to take to the...


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My letter to my rapist's bar exam board

Posted by xRainx , 11 June 2013 · 297 views

Hello,

Thank you for reading this. This is a difficult for me to write because Iím having to re-live two of the worst moments of my life: losing my virginity to rape by MP. and the judicial hearing that followed. But I thank you for giving me the opportunity to continue to voice the truth.

On December 4th, 2009, MP made the decision to rape me when I w...


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It's been awhile...

Posted by xRainx , 29 May 2012 · 215 views

It has been awhile... a long while since I have posted on this site. It has been even longer since I have been able to read the post or participate in chat. I use to be a regular fixture in here ...

I have been ok for the most part. At least I think I have been ok. I can't remember the last time I have had a hard cry and I have still managed to keep...


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September baby

Posted by xRainx , 06 September 2011 · 144 views

There was never a baby. I took the emergency contraceptives and I found his condom on the floor. So there was never a baby.

But it is so hard for me to not think of the fact that this week would have been it's first birthday. It is hard for me to not lie awake, thinking I feel something moving inside me. It is hard for me to not think that I killed...


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8/12

Posted by xRainx , 13 August 2011 · 145 views

Yesterday, I turned 25.
Today, I got my first tattoo. A survivor tattoo.


I never thought I would even make it to this age. But right now, I am actually happy that I am here.


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hello again

Posted by xRainx , 19 June 2011 · 112 views

I don't know why it has been awhile since I have logged on here. Things have been happening, but it hasn't been worse than before. I guess I am not sure what it is that I need. Friendship, that would help. But friends are only a temporary distraction. When I go home, it's like the mask falls off and I have a hard time holding back all the bad...


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Who am I?

Posted by xRainx , 15 April 2011 · 143 views

I want to throw up. I want to throw up and I want to cut.

I love him. He loves me. I don't regret being with him (we didn't have sex), but when I learn new things that happened when we were drunk, it still makes me upset. How much was because of my feelings for him and how much because of me intense desire to regain that control?

I wish I coul...


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Interview

Posted by xRainx , 30 March 2011 · 140 views

I have a job interview this Friday. It is something that I have been wanting for two months now because I really need money to pay my bills. It's not a dream job or anything; the job is just something that fits under my degree.

I should be working on the copy editing test they sent me. I should be focusing on what I'm going to say in the intervi...


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One Year...

Posted by xRainx , 18 March 2011 · 160 views

:trigger:
:trigger:

One year since one of my worst attempts at SU. One years since the last time I cut myself.

I should be happy. So why am I sitting here, tears streaming down my face? http://www.pandys.or...efault/weep.gif


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Thought Process

Posted by xRainx , 16 March 2011 · 114 views

I realize today that I spend a majority of my wishful thinking wishing that I went to the police right away, that I pushed harder for the detective to work my case, that I wasn't so scared to see justice, that I let him see at my weakest during the hearing, that I didn't tell off the people who turned against me....

Why don't I every just th...


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Not again...

Posted by xRainx , 07 March 2011 · 108 views

It's bad enough that I am having a hard time believing that guys see more in me than a sexual object, but now a female friend of 12 years tries to make me touch her. I don't know how to process this. What is it about me? When will this all end?


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Friends

Posted by xRainx , 17 February 2011 · 103 views

My friends have not said it, but I feel like some of them are getting tired of me being "down" all the time. My best friend still offers to do things to cheer me up, but I still don't think they really understand that the hour or so we spend together will not change how I feel when I'm by myself at night.

I really wish I knew other survi...


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From: Virginity

Posted by xRainx , 08 February 2011 · 98 views

I so so so so sooooo hope so. http://www.pandys.or...default/sad.gif





Source: Virginity


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Fear of moving on...

Posted by xRainx , 07 February 2011 · 147 views

I signed on and came across a blog that said exactly how I am feeling tonight. I hope the blogger is okay with me quoting from the post.


"It's actually been pretty good today. But I am hesitant to say that. I think that, for all of the bad days I've been having lately, I've been having more good days. Which doesn't sit well with me....


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Baby

Posted by xRainx , 24 January 2011 · 160 views

I don't know why this has been weighing on my mind lately. Maybe it's my friend mentioning she wants a baby. Maybe it's all the Plan B commercials that pop up on Bravo. I'm not even sure what this feeling is...

Of course I didn't want to have their kid. The first was a stranger and the second, my roommate, but I did not have a choice...






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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.