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The Missing Frame


First Bad Dream In A While...

Posted by Shining_On124 , 17 February 2014 · 82 views

It's been a long time since I had a bad dream, let alone one that had me not wanting to sleep. (it's also been over a year since I posted here! Sheesh! But I still feel as if my recovery is "unfinished", so I may be spending more time here working through things)
I had a weird dream last night, and when I woke up, it was still bothering me. It...


Can't Think of A Title....

Posted by Shining_On124 , 20 December 2012 · 76 views

It's been awhile.

I need to post more frequently because there has been a lot weighing on my mind. I have been grappling with things since last Thursday. A trigger here, anxiety attack there, feeling like shit or just feeling gross; and tonight it feels like a mellow (not intense) level of depression. So subtle though that I calmly had an urge to SI...


Maybe Memories

Posted by Shining_On124 , 10 June 2011 · 88 views

Last night I had a weird scene play in my head.

It was me, walking into Michael's "outside room" (as they called it - it was a glass room that had been built on the side of the house, they used it as a separate living room).

He was sitting on the couch in a black T-shirt and black Dickies. When he saw me approach, he lay down on his side,...


"A little more information, to add to my confusion...to add to the frustration..."

Posted by Shining_On124 , 25 May 2011 · 72 views

Last night, I had some small bad dreams. The first one was sort of a flashback about the assault, trying to remember how I was feeling while it was happening, but I blacked out.
Then I remember being in a court room with a case of he-said-she-said between Michael and I, that no one believed me. That because he was my boyfriend at the time, he couldn'...


"These demons are doin' jump-n-jacks, man!"

Posted by Shining_On124 , 25 May 2011 · 79 views

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday for routine STD checks and to check out some rash that had appeared.

I was able to do the HIV test without passing out (cuz you know, I hate needles, shots, and getting my blood drawn - but fortunately this was just a prick on my finger). I thought that was a big accomplishment on my part, so yay! I also tested...


Current goals!

Posted by Shining_On124 , 18 May 2011 · 62 views

Current goals:

1. Get a job (waiting to hear from the school district about a substitute custodian job)

2. Save money by August ($2,800)

3. Get health insurance on June 1st. See a psychatrist about more specific medication.

4. Move out with my best friend, Tracy, by summer's end.

5. Continue saving money.

6. Start culinary program in the...


"Like the battles with yourself, that leave you insecure."

Posted by Shining_On124 , 22 April 2011 · 104 views

Sometimes, like tonight, it feels like I've made no progress.

That I'll always be "scared" of sex and I'll always be a burden to whomever I'm with, because I can't give them sex and they can just get it elsewhere.

That, even though my boyfriend and I have been doing fine for months, the sexual frustration will mount and one...


Low Fidelity - updated

Posted by Shining_On124 , 16 April 2011 · 41 views

I need to remember that I am not chained here, or anywhere.

Aside from still being unemployed, and starting school next month, I need to remember that the dating game is still dating even after the "I love you"s - nothing is permanent unless I want it to be!

Ryan and I have been together for about 5mos, and while we've expressed feelin...


Things on my mind.

Posted by Shining_On124 , 28 September 2010 · 39 views

Just identified another trigger tonight...

"Rest stops" aka: where the big trucks go to park for the night.
Driving past those - I'd never been out and seen the semi trucks all clustered there, ever, - made my mind go blank and I felt briefly, two seconds of panic, but stayed grounded in my car and continued driving. It reminds me of "Th...


Don't Let Go

Posted by Shining_On124 , 22 September 2010 · 100 views

Thinking on how much better I am, emotionally, living-wise, friend-wise, than last year...makes me feel awesome.

This time last year, I made a couple new friends that have become my good friends (Avs, Jess), I was without two of my best friends who are now back in my life (Alana and Terra), I spent time with my favorite band, and made some good friends...

October 2015

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