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Longing

Posted by jenbaroo , 10 December 2012 · 39 views

I long for someone to love me just as I am, unconditionally, despite my faults, fears, and failures. About the only person in my life right now who does that is my son. The last time I wrote a blog entry on here, I don't think he was even a year old yet. Now he's three. I was having horrific post partum rapid cycling bipolar episodes at the time,...


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it's been a while...

Posted by jenbaroo , 11 December 2010 · 31 views

it's been so long since i've written on here... my feet are numb, my head feels like a balloon, and my eyes are blurring over. those are my symptoms of panic. i start to panic when i'm dealing with stuff. or trying not to deal with stuff.

my nightmares are back, and they're worse than ever. my cousin, who molested me when i was 12, i...


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change

Posted by jenbaroo , 02 May 2010 · 32 views

There's this song that starts off with "change has come", and I think that's what's happening in my life.

I have been used, abused, and tossed out by more people than I care to count. The main things I have issues with are my cousin, who molested, but didn't rape, me at 12 years old. He was 19. The second thing is an assault in co...


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this will probably trigger, but is important to me

Posted by jenbaroo , 02 May 2010 · 32 views

I recently found out that what happened to me in college is called aggravated rape, which has no statute of limitations. When a rape includes more than one person, it's aggravated rape. I still can't say it out loud. I'm able to write it now, but not say it. Not even to my husband.

Speaking of my husband -- he had been really pushing for...


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yuck

Posted by jenbaroo , 25 April 2010 · 35 views

OK, so I found out like two years that I have a massive hemorrhoid, but never did anything about it. Why? Because that initial exam was awful! I have flashbacks like crazy, and when the doctor left the room, I was shaking and couldn't stop crying. Now I'm having a flare-up again, but I REALLY don't want to go to the specialist because...


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is it possible?

Posted by jenbaroo , 22 April 2010 · 40 views

I think I might be an alcoholic. I just went and emptied out all the alcohol in the house, because I find myself wanting it more and more and more, and I can't be drinking during the day. I have a five month old son who counts on me, and I need to be careful. I want to get drunk every night, but only do it once a week, because my husband would have...


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what's the point?

Posted by jenbaroo , 21 April 2010 · 13 views

does anyone even hear me out there? i feel so alone. like a tiny voice yelling for help in the vast ocean, unheard by the boats just 100 yards away... sinking, slowly, my voice dying away to nothing.


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what now?

Posted by jenbaroo , 21 April 2010 · 13 views

i keep hoping that i'll feel better. i don't.


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checking in

Posted by jenbaroo , 17 April 2010 · 33 views

i decided to check myself in on Thursday, but then my doc recommended i do the day program available at our local hospital. i'm going to try it.
the reason behind all this is that i have been suicidal for weeks, and only cutting relieves the urge. i'm not sure how well this is going to turn out, but i'm going to try it.


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Tuesday

Posted by jenbaroo , 13 April 2010 · 14 views

Another Tuesday night. It was a good day, but I'm really hoping I'll have a good night's sleep tonight. I'm starting physical therapy tomorrow, and am a little bit nervous, even thought I've done it before. It's for my fibromyalgia. I'm in so much pain, I can hardly walk by the time I hit about 4pm. It doesn't help whe...






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