Pandora's Aquarium: Siren Song - Pandora's Aquarium

Jump to content

Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.

You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.

Guest Message © 2013 DevFuse

 

Cranky Diane

04 January 2010
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Diane woke up cranky this morning: snarly and short-tempered and bitching about having to go back to work, glaring into her coffee cup like maybe someone was trying to poison her. I feel the strangest sort of gratitude. I don't even know if I can explain it.

It's two-layered. First, I have this idea that when...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: love, diane

Icon 1 Comments

Just Being There

29 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Earlier today, I heard Diane yell out a question from the other end of the house, where she'd been rummaging in the coat closet for something. I yelled something back about not being able to hear her. I expected her to emerge and repeat her question. She didn't, though, and I just sort of shrugged and went back...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: mystical mumbo-jumbo, motherly me, diane, grief, touch, tears, love

Icon 3 Comments

Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]So Diane pets at Wheeze and tells how she went into the room I was sleeping in and saw I was "having a hard time." She says she hunkered down next to the mattress and tried talking to me a little, asking if I was okay, whatever. But she could tell I wasn't hearing her.

This is a subject that for some reason...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, conversations, touch, love, nightmares, ellen, miro

Icon 0 Comments

Me Too

03 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Later that same night, I sat in the living room for awhile re-reading a biography of Paul Erdős so I could collect obscure numerical facts to spring on Ellen later in a random kind of way. Diane was doing bedtimey things down at her end of the house and Ellen was snugged down in the guest room tapping at her computer....
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, conversations, love, tears, touch

Icon 2 Comments

Queen for a Day

25 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We used to do this all the time when Carolyn was alive. After she died, we stopped, and we've only started doing it again recently. Maybe we needed time to get feeling sure of Ellen? Because this contest/game isn't one you can play with just anyone.

I've tried to write about it before, and I always end up...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: words, love, laughter, diane, ellen, conversations

Icon 10 Comments

The Language of Love

24 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]
Reading over my last couple entries, it occurs to me I might ought to mention that around here, swear-words and insults are just part of everyday conversation. They're even sometimes terms of endearment. We say stuff to each other that might, on paper, seem really insulting or offensive. Like, when me and Diane are...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: words, laughter, love, conversations

Icon 7 Comments

That's Not How I Remember It

23 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Yesterday, Ellen was asking me and Diane about how I came to live here, and as we were telling her the story, I realized we experienced and remembered parts of it in dramatically different ways. We've never really compared versions before. Carolyn already knew most of the story by the time she actually met me, and she...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: laughter, touch, conversations, ellen, diane, love

Icon 0 Comments

Stargazing

17 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Just came inside to pee...tonight we are all "sleeping" outside up on the deck. No streetlights here, and it's a gorgeous clear night, and we're catching the Leonid meteor shower. Tomorrow's the peak, but around here you can never be sure if the weather will hold, so we're outside tonight. Piled...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, ellen, love

Icon 3 Comments

Homecoming

07 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Diane arrived this morning with a wide-open smile, looking rested and refreshed, bubbling with city news and work stories. I like watching how her sad-shaped eyes light up when she sees us, how her whole self unfolds to hug and laugh.

She and Ellen are in the kitchen now, fussing up lunch, clucking comfortably at one...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, ellen, love

Icon 2 Comments

No Muffins, Please

04 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Note to self: I don't have to post this. I can keep it as a draft.

Alternative Entry Titles:
Menstrual Me;
It's About Time;
I Am Surrounded By Dorks


Okay, I've already talked a little about how my development seemed to go on hold at my uncle's. My physical development, I mean. After I got away, I...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: firsts, laughter, ellen, diane, love

Icon 10 Comments

The Sponge

29 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Well, it had to happen sooner or later. Diane and I had our first real fight last night.

Yes, I've known her all this time since I was thirteen, and yes, back at the beginning there were some spirited exchanges of opinion (where she always turned out to be totally wrong, of course), but we never had, you know, a...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, love, tears, the sponge

Icon 3 Comments

Lazy Awakening

26 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I woke up early this morning, sandwiched, landlocked, Miro pressing fuzzy along my front, Diane leaning warm and breathing along my back. Both of them twitching lightly with dreams. It was early, too early to be awake, that pink-grey time before sunrise. I remember a feeling of snuggling, then the first stirrings of my...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, miro, touch, love, healing

Icon 2 Comments

The "Der" of Love

24 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Yesterday, out in the yard, Ellen and I were talking a little about my nighttime things, episodes, whatever. I was trying to get a clearer idea of why she and Diane always describe them as "disturbing." I mean, I always understood it like this: I fuss for awhile, and then get out of bed and look around for a...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: love, nightmares, ellen, der

Icon 4 Comments

My Kingdom for a Voltmeter

17 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Trace has been around the past couple days, partly to do some electrical work and partly to just hang out and connect. I don't feel angry at her this time. Maybe because I've been spending some time with her, learning about electrical things and getting to play with all the butch tools. Now you know the trick:...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: grief, trace, diane, ellen, love

Icon 7 Comments

Memorial

30 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"](Posted in the Spirituality section in the Memorials thread, and wanted to have it here, as well.)


Carolyn died gently on August 11, 2009, nearly six decades after the delivery doctors first told her...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: carolyn, grief, love, healing

Icon 3 Comments

Carolyn's Computer

28 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I'm working my way slowly through the stuff Carolyn left for me on her computer. Holding myself back, trying to savor each little bit, not look at more than one or two things a day. There's a lot of different stuff, enough to last me for awhile if I don't get too greedy and try to get at it all at once.

I...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: carolyn, love, grief, healing

Icon 4 Comments

Love Is a Hat Today

23 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]There are ways Carolyn continues to be an active presence in our lives. She left various letters, instructions. I suppose when you've been preparing for your own death since you were seventeen, you have the luxury of thinking through how to make sure the things that matter go the way you want after you're gone. ...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: tears, words, carolyn, love, grief, healing, firsts

Icon 1 Comments

Motherliness

14 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We stayed in Carolyn's room again last night. I guess that might seem weird or inappropriate or whatever, but I trust us, me and Diane, I mean. Having someone right next to me like that, it somehow takes the edge off the hole inside. Apparently my susceptibility to feeling crowded is taking a backseat for awhile. I...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: ellen, tears, touch, love, grief, diane, motherly me

Icon 0 Comments

Reaching Diane

13 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We slept in Carolyn's room last night. Diane and I, huddled together like baby rabbits, hugging pillows and each other. Clinging. Sleep lapping against me, then receding. Hovering at that edge, I became aware of a hum inside Diane, a thin, constant tremble, almost unnoticeable. She was curved behind me, her chest...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: diane, carolyn, death, mystical mumbo-jumbo, motherly me, ellen, grief, love, touch

Icon 0 Comments

Holding

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]It's the only thing to do. Write these things down. Write it out so it stops shredding inside. Writing can't hurt any more than not writing does and I'll be glad later. I know how this works. If I don't catch it now the hurting will smudge it. The mind protects itself. But I want to hold every second...
Read Full Entry →

Tags: ellen, grief, tears, love, touch, diane, words, death, carolyn

Icon 1 Comments

 

Back to blog home →
  • 3 Pages +
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3

About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.