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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

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About That Bone...

17 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Aaack! I don't know why I'm like this. I'm sure this is some kind of psychological disorder, with a pithy name. But I've been feeling acutely guilty ever since I posted that entry about the bone-splinter in my foot. Not because of what I said, but because of what I didn't say, the part I...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort, secrets

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Trophy

13 November 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Trigger Warning: for general grossness, infection


I didn't know I'd hurt myself at first. That first day or two after I left him there, I think I was so overwhelmed with just the basics. Everything felt so jarring and exciting at the same time. It's very blurry now.

But my foot hurt: a sharp stab in my...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Sobeit

13 October 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I'm usually not that into symmetry, but there's something fitting about how my mother's death closed a door on me that only my uncle's death could open again.


One thing I keep reminding myself, and it seems to help: I wouldn't have the family I have now if I weren't the kind of person who did the...
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Tags: healing, death, serena, uncle, moral discomfort

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Paradox

11 October 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Here's part of it:

I think I want to believe that willfully killing a human being is an inhuman act. Or maybe I believe I should believe this? I don't know. But it would seem I'm a person who is capable of willfully taking the life of another, albeit in the interests of preserving my own. And I don't...
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Tags: death, uncle, moral discomfort, serena

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Inarticulations

09 October 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I've been trying to articulate to myself what my struggles are with this head-stomping business. I've been using the language of morality because that vocabulary seems to come the closest. But I really don't truck much with the notions of good and evil or right and wrong. I know when I look at what I did, I...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort, head-stomping

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In Other Words

09 October 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]And because I also need to say it in real-life, rather than fairy-tale, terms, here it is: The way I got the key from around his neck was to...use my feet to render his head...uh...malleable...enough to fit through the cable necklace.

Okay that was kind of roundabout but you get the idea.

I don't say this because I...
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Tags: moral discomfort, death, uncle, head-stomping, words

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The Stomping Girl

08 October 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Trigger Warning: graphic violence, a dead body, and graphic violence against a dead body.


I'm having trouble saying the next part. Saying it in first person, I mean. I'm not sure why.

I've tried to write about it before, in the form of a story, like a fairy tale. The story says most of what I need to...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort, head-stomping

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Trigger Warning: dead body.


Finally I let my breath out of me, not in a fast rush like my lungs wanted to, but slow and silent, just in case. The leg I was balanced on was starting to wobble a little so I put my foot down carefully, like maybe the floor wasn't safe. I didn't like his face, his mismatched eyes,...
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Tags: moral discomfort, death, uncle, head-stomping

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I was asked to put a special trigger warning on this part of my story. So, okay. This entry deals with physical violence and death.  Although the violence is NOT sexual in nature, it is gross and it may be triggering.


This is the part I had to skip over, a while back, when I was talking about how I got away from my...
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Tags: moral discomfort, death, uncle, head-stomping

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This Week's Curriculum

25 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Cause of death seems like it should be a simple concept. I guess I watch too many forensic science shows, because I had this idea that you get a dead body, you put on your dead-body-dissecting outfit, use some fancy spinning equipment and shazam!, you end up with a clear picture of what happened.

Really,...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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When Truth Isn't Necessary

15 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]So, what happened?

There aren't a lot of things that will drop a grown man to the ground for no apparent reason, in the absence of any other symptoms. It's possible he was dead by the time he hit the floor. It's possible something inside him happened that was "incompatible with life." That no...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Escape, 5

10 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]So, okay. So what I've been doing here is explaining why I didn't leave as soon as I was able to, the moment I had the key. But really the question isn't: "Why didn't I leave when I could?" Really, the question is: "Why did I leave when I did?"

I don't like the answer, and I'm...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Pause

10 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]You have to understand, I've never let myself think about the details of this before. For all the time between there and here, it's been a jumbled thing. Undissected. I've never forgotten or denied the rot at the core of it, but I also never tried to untangle the mess that snarls around it. I didn't...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Escape, 4

07 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]My sense of time is unreliable. So I can't say exactly how long I was there, alone with it.


Sometimes in my feelings, it feels fast, like a blur, like I shot out of there like a meteor. But this isn't true; I know for a fact. Once I got the keys, I went from lock to lock, unlocking. Not the door to the...
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Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Escape, 3 (Unspeakable)

07 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
...

Tags: uncle, death, moral discomfort

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Escape, 2

07 September 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We were in the dining room. I was at one end of the table, reading some weird essay by this philosopher who said poor people could better their lots by selling their children as food. Although there was another room we called the schoolroom, I did a lot of my lessons in the dining room. Of all the rooms, it was my...
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Tags: uncle, death, abuse, moral discomfort

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Snippets

13 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]It's strange about the cats, how they seem so upset, because they both were there in the room when Carolyn died, and they both left and came back at different points after she died but before the funeral home people came to take her away. They each came over and sniffed, and they each did the same thing, sort of...
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Tags: grief, diane, ellen, miro, death, carolyn

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Reaching Diane

13 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We slept in Carolyn's room last night. Diane and I, huddled together like baby rabbits, hugging pillows and each other. Clinging. Sleep lapping against me, then receding. Hovering at that edge, I became aware of a hum inside Diane, a thin, constant tremble, almost unnoticeable. She was curved behind me, her chest...
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Tags: diane, carolyn, death, mystical mumbo-jumbo, motherly me, ellen, grief, love, touch

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The Last Hurrah

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]This is the fifth entry I've written today. This suggests that even though it doesn't feel like it, writing is helping somehow. Okay.

Yes...honoring Carolyn. We find moments, leaning against each other. Say how Carolyn would be rolling her eyes at all the moping and dramatics. Tell the things that matter,...
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Tags: ellen, grief, diane, death, carolyn

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Groping

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I tell myself there's so much here to be thankful for. Thinking about the deaths I have touched or caused. I have bad luck so far in this department, with the first three, I mean. Four people so far, dying up close and personal. But this one is different. Allison: freakish, sudden, unfathomable. Serena: too hard...
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Tags: grief, miro, tears, ellen, diane, death, carolyn

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About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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