Louise

Sharing not comparing

34 posts in this topic

After reading so many incidents, some horrified me, made me cry, made me mad, etc. I started to feel that what I experienced wasn't so bad. I really needed to hear this. Thanks for all you do here on this site. This site has helped me trememdously.

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I've done this too.

Maybe it's one of those things that is easier to believe, it wasn't that horrible. Like it wasn't real rape, it was my fault, and he didn't know what he was doing.

I remember my first rationalization, "it wasn't a classic rape case".

I told that to my friends - they said "it never is".

15 years later, here, one of my earliest posts was in Grey Rape, that's still how I saw it.

It was like IPSA exept we didn't live together, just in seperate dorms on a college campus. My first post to that forum began "I don't know of this counts".

The only episode of SVU that really triggered me was Olivia sitting in the couselors office saying "I feel like I don't deserve to be here". I could absolutely relate to that. It's how I felt when I called the rape crisis center.

I couldn't tell my story out loud, I still can't. It took three meetings but I worked up the nerve to give her the story I posted here.

She read it before my next meeting and I asked, is that rape.

I think it is the first time I could really accept the YES.

After all, mine wasn't that bad.

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This is such a powerful post and I love and relate to EVERYTHING you all said. I agree; pain is pain! If I get a paper cut and cry it may look like it's small but it still hurts. I heard that simple analogy somewhere and it made sense. I wonder if these thoughts are how we have been conditioned to think; from the outside world, as well as our perpetrators. Mine used to tell me this was for MY own good. We are groomed to think like this and I still do all the time. The comment I grew up with, "Think of all the starving people in China." A comment like that can really make us feel unworthy of our own pain. I was abused as a young pre-teen as well as raped twice as an adult. When I look at my situation I can think what happened to me as a kid was horrible; but somehow being raped as an adult was my fault and not that bad. Someone told me that it is known that survivors of child abuse are more often victims of rape and crimes as adults. I'm not sure I understand that. Any thoughts? Gee, now I feel like I'm rambling too. I guess I should say that I loved all your posts. As I read each post I cried for each one of you; because you are all coming from a place of pain and want to heal. Sometimes I don't post because I don't know what to say or think my posts sound stupid. I have a couple of degrees and everything; but feel like an idiot. I just want to give everyone here a big hug. Because we are in this together! No matter what; because we hurt.

Thanks for listening to me.

Pinkshell

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Hello reader, I am having an hugh problem and need advise. Please help... 

I have a 6 year old daughter. She has been doing odd things, well things I find odd. The 3 things are described in this paragraph. #1)For months now she has been taking the clothes off her Barbie dolls. I would repeatedly ask her not to do that but she continued to undress them. I decided to google it to see if I was overreacting. Seems I may have been due to threads of other parents stating its normal. #2)Just last friday I was looking at her gallary on her tablet. I found a recording of her rubbing on herself and taking her clothes off. She then started to pertain to hump something while talking(couldn't completely understand what she was saying) she did that for a while then made a sound like orgasm. Then she fell over and laid down for a few seconds and then put back on her clothes. I was stunned. I asked her about the video and she beings to cry claiming she doesn't know shes just like that. So contacted her doctor that night and on monday I plan to have her evaluated. #3) Okay so today I walk into her room and she had ken and barbie in bed with ken on top. The dolls were fully clothed. I asked her why is her dolls like this and she starts to cry saying ken trying to get the good things out of barbie. I asked, what are the good things? She said a glow stick. I asked, why would he have to be on top? Her response, how else do you get it out? I asked her, has anyone do this to you? She said no. I asked has she seen this before she says she can't remember. 

My issue is I do not know if I am overreacting or is she showing signs of being molested. For 3 months she has been only around me mainly. I am single and not dating (we live alone). We don't have cable but we do watch movies sometimes. Before summer vacation the following people kept her: school, my dad, her aunt(16years old and her boyfriend stays at her house), her grandmother and her great grandmother, her dad. 

The thought of my baby being used or exposed to sex is so upsetting. I just lay in my room and cry. I'm her mother, her only parent and as her parent my main job was to protect her and I feel like I failed her. I need to know the truth but she doesn't trust me, even after I told her if it did happen its not her fault. 

Your personal opinion am I overreacting or are these signs?

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From what you've posted, Kia, I would definitely have her checked out.  The first thing you stated seems pretty benign, but the others seem, to me, to be symptoms of being sexualized very early in life.  I'm not a doctor, though, so my advice would be to seek out a doctor's advice.  I think, sometimes, it's better to overreact than let things fester.  I am also incredibly glad for this thread, though I noticed most posts are years old.  I still want to put my two cents in.  My abusers were younger than myself and my " best friends ".  I've gotten various minimizing responses to what happened to me:. From my mom, who asked me why I " kept going back ", from websites that basically say children are incapable of sexually abusing others ESPECIALLY if they are younger, by society saying what happened to me was simply " child's play "or " experimentation ".  But, then, I have also had therapists, victims advocates, and police officers assure me that what I experienced was abusive.  Almost everyone I tell my story to is shocked nod horrified that I made it through.  I even brought up the notion that I felt I could be resented by those who " had it worse ".  When I mentioned this, a lot of those on this forum said my experience was actually their worst nightmare.  That put it in perspective.  I still tend to compare.  There are sometimes imaginary hierarchies of pain by some who haven't processed their anger, but my therapist, who specializes in trauma, says that trauma cannot be measured and I generally believe him.  No one gets a trophy for getting " first place " in pain.  I think we ALL deserve trophies.  I still tend to vacillate between minimizing and being paralyzed by my trauma.  I think that's a normal coping mechanism to outlandish abuse.  My therapist says I've been thru " pretty severe trauma ", so it makes sense I would struggle to function.  Here's my validation for all of you on here.  Your pain is worthy of attacking and processing and healing.❤️

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Thank you for this post. 

It makes me very emotional to read this as I have tried to block my emotions. I've recently sought counselling in an attempt to start my healing process, after huge anxiety, not eating, sleeping etc. 

I've had a few sessions now.

During the first session I said 'I'm here because I just want to deal with it and move on' (what an understatement). I seriously did not think that the healing process would be as overwhelming, consuming, isolating, emotional and bloody hard roller coaster to ride. 

Thank you for sharing because I feel everything I'm feeling and going through is what it should be. I'm beginning to realise that I can't rush the healing process which is what I've been trying to do..... even though I'm really at the beginning of mine. 

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Hi Lil_7,

It may not seem like it but you've taken a huge leap forward in healing from sexual violence by taking the initial steps into therapy. I've found it to be all you mentioned and more. I want you to know it won't always feel this bad or overwhelming. Healing takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different because we've experienced different events and we are unique individuals. I still get tired at times from nightmares or triggers but have learned to cope. Most days are fairly normal. For a long time I didn't think that would be possible! This article helped me so much. Be gentle with your pain. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

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I am horribly guilty of compare and minimize of my own trauma. Not so much on Pandy's. Though I struggle constantly to stay within the guidelines sometimes I trip and fall right over those same "lines". 

I know I wouldn't be here if not for Pandy's. But when I first came I only had the memory of a 2X sa by a male predator.  I had no clue what I was feeling other than sui, which has been a constant companion since the early 1990s. And I did feel so unworthy to be here.

Funny thing now I struggle with the opposite issue being having so much abuse widely varied through out my whole life, and feeling like I don't fit anywhere. 

With help of my wonderful Pandy Family, I work diligently to remind myself that I do belong here and I do matter. 

One thing I'd like to point out, for those that question if ..... the fact you are questioning already means it wasn't okay. If it truly was okay, you wouldn't be questioning. Be gentle with yourselves.

:metoyou::bouquet:

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I am 15 and I was sexually raped by my oldest brother from ages 6-14... I tried to tell my mom when I was 8 she didn't believe me so it kept happening over and over again... She knows now but only bc my it happened to my little sister too and she was cutting because of it... I feel like my coping mechanism with it is to forget about it... My sister hates me bc I act like.it doesn't bother me... He only touched her... He took my virginity from me something that.i was supposed to one day give to my husband. Stolen. I feel robbed.. I act like it doesn't hurt me but really I'm dying on.the inside I've been dead since I was 6...

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