Jes

How do you cope?

21 posts in this topic

Not one of us comes to this board because we feel terrific all the time.  As survivors, we have a lot of conflicting emotions to deal with and it is really hard.

What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?

More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?  Are you a good communicator?  Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions?  Can you ask for help when you need it?

and finally

In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?  Do you paint, draw, write or talk?

My ideas are simply ideas.  Please let us know!  Your coping mechanism become someone else's.

Hugs,

Jes
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What I struggle with is a sense of sadness about how people in this world can treat each other so horribly.

A positive aspect that I use to deal with this is an ability to look around and see the beauty in the world and the beauty within us.

And finally, as Ghandi said, I try to "Be the change you wish to see in this world."  I work to educate people on rape and more importantly, every day, I try to be kind to people, so they will go on to be kind to others.

Hugs,

Jes

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[i]What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?[/i]

Right now I mostly have sadness and anger.  Both are caused by how sick some people can be.

[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?  [/i]

I'm one stubborn bitch.  Life is NOT tougher than I am.  Dammit.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions? [/i]

I sing, I write, I build, I paint, I clean.....

Wow! there are good things!

xxoo

Laney

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((((((( Jes ))))))))

Your threads have been so Healing, and therapeutic, thank You.

At the moment, struggling with so many things, re the abuse I suffered for 14yrs. My niece's Baby, he has been put on the at risk list, due to his Father, but my niece has gone back to Him, for now anyway, he is gooing to go down for this, Paedophillic tendencies they call it. this has triggered me so badly.  My best friend has just phoned me, saying she is having a masectomy, I am devastated, did'nt know she'd had a biopsy, she did not want me to worry, as I had enough on my plate, feel so guilty.

the positives in me, are very few at the moment, due to where I am at.  But one of them, is my daughter, she has been my rock. And all my friends, when I let them into my world.

When I am feeling ok, I try to do cross stitching, writing and I give reflexology treatment.

thank you

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[i]What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?[/i]

Sadness, despair, loneliness.


[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience? [/i]

The drive to continue moving forward.  I don't know why it's there or where it comes from.  I just know that there has to be a better place out there than where I am today and I want to find it, if only just to see what it is like.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions? [/i]

Exercise, exercise, exercise.  There's nothing like an endorphine rush.   I also make lists.  I make lists of everything I need to do and then break them down into tiny chunks and then at the end of each day, I can prove to myself that I can accomplish something and I'm really not worthless like I feel.

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I think this is a wonderful thread.  It's one thing to hear from a therapist what coping mechanisms you can use, and something completely different to hear what others use in similar situations.

[i]What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?[/i]

Mostly depression and insecurity.  They are related to each other in a strong way, but I cannot figure out if the depression causes the insecurity or vice versa, or if they are just a package deal.  Part of it is due to a genetic tendency, my mother struggles with a lot of the same things I do, I think.

[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?[/i]

I am determined to let myself what I need to feel and push my way through it.  I don't think that I am a good communicator, I have a lot of trouble saying what I mean to say, but I recognize the importance of talking things out.  I know that if I hold things in I will spiral down, so I always eventually voice whatever it is that is bothering me.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?[/i]

When I want to feel my emotions and let them wash over me, I listen to music that fits the mood.  Often I just need a good cry, in which case a good song can set me off and make me feel much better.  If I need to take my mind off things and I can't get focused on schoolwork, I like to cross-stitch.  It's something I'm very proud of, and I like to watch the designs progress under my hands.  I feel like I am producing something beautiful that others can benefit from as well.

I have also felt the need to educate others on the reality of sexual assault and abuse.  I have done interviews with the newspaper and with NBC to tell people my story and try to put a face on all the nameless survivors out there.  Somehow, though, it's much easier for me to speak to a single person or to a camera than to a group of people.  I've always wanted to speak at my campus' TBTN, but I haven't gotten the nerves to do so yet, and I'm a senior now.  Maybe I'll come back as an alumnus and speak.

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>What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with ->anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?

i feel alot of depression for various reasons. sadness. loss. of who i was and what i was doing. anger that i have to feel afraid and htat i am not supposed to tell anyone about it all. confusion over what has happened. guilt at getting myself into adult situation and for forgetting the childhood on

>More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do >you bring with you as you cope with your experience?

i am good at asking for help now. at going to the doctors and being honest with them about how i really feel and what is going on. at trying things over and over again, being persistant and going back if things arent working.

>In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?

i write, pages and pages of A4 paper stuck in a file. i do exercises from workbooks or i just write out what i am thinking and feeling and it helps to see it there on the page. aromatherapy helps me alot. and doing something nurturing like a bath. allowing myself to do nice things for me [difficult but useful] having a 'safe place' in my room to hide away in [under the duvet on my bed] where i wont hurt me and where i can foget everything for a while. phoning the samaritans and rape crisis has helped me alot. singing. sad or happy or angry or loud songs. just putting on a cd and letting it out.


what a great thread
dora
x

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As I pondered how to respond to this post, I realized just how far I'd come.  Two years ago my responses would've been largely unhealthy.  Posts like these are so helpful b/c they are a tangible validation of just how far we've all come as well as an excellent plan on where we'd like to go...

What causes me the most sadness is the pain that people inflict on each other.  Especially children.  I am saddened @ the amount of people who have no respect for others as well as for themselves.   I believe one of the main reasons that I am a teacher in an urban community is b/c of the great sense of responsibility I feel to give back & try to help others.  That is probably one of the top ways I cope w/the world.  I feel blessed to be able to actively contribute in making a difference w/the things that upset me.

I've learned to take my anger, sadness & frustration out in healthy ways.  I workout out now instead of drink. I keep the focus on me & making myself a better person.  I have learned to reach out & communicate my needs.  That is largely due to the reception I have received from everyone @ Pandy's.  The fear of asking for help & sharing such personal information has all been vanished now.  

Pandy's has shown me that w/all that is wrong w/the world, there is far more right w/it.  I see that everyday in the bravery & the compassion displayed here.  I thank you for that...

Jackie
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First, thanks everyone for what you've already written.  It's always nice to know you're not alone in this world.

[i]What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?[/i]
I think mostly it's sadness and anger.  I think I'm sad because I grieve a part of me that I can't get back, that was taken from me at 13 by a group of men.  I think I'm also sad because it happens to so many people and our societies seem to be doing nothing.  I guess that's part of the anger too.

[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?  Are you a good communicator?  Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions?  Can you ask for help when you need it? [/i]
I'm not so good at just "feeling" my emotions.  I tend to judge them - I should or shouldn't feel this way or that.  I have some true friends that I confide in when it's all overwhelming, and now I have found this wonderful place as well.  I do reach out to my t and my very best friend fairly well.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?  Do you paint, draw, write or talk?[/i]
I bake bread.  I knead the dough and stretch it and shape it and then give it to the oven for finishing.  I guess I like the metaphor for my life - it goes in one thing, survives the heat, and comes out another wonderful and nourishing thing.  I also do crossword puzzles, pet my cat and talk with my friends.  I sew sometimes as well and when it's summer, I work on my balcony garden.

Thanks again for this thread.

Moira :)

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(((Hugs)))

I am experiencing severe depression, sadness and i mostly just feel very empty at the moment.

The positive things i am doing are i am attempting to reach out to others and am trying to be open to learning new ways of coping since my coping skills are not healthy at all.

It is hard for me because I am not only dealing with my abuse from the past but am currently in the midst of another abusive relationship that i am trying to change. And i have a teenage daughter who was assaulted by a family member and we are trying to help her too. So i am conflicted because i fear the reality is that nothing will change, but my heart won't let me stop trying just yet.

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Hmm..

What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?
[I]

Sadness, alot of the time. Deppression, or just a deep low, where most feelings are there but don't get felt individually.
Anger..sometimes, usually at myself, or at the position what happened, has put me in. I have so far only been really angry once at *him*.

Strengths and attributes?..
I can be VERY stubborn. I try to help others, using the experience i have had myself. And then try to listen to the help for myself.


I write, occasionally paint...sometimes use music. Otherwise, i just try to pamper myself. Or work, to stay distracted.
And i suppose im trying to reach out more.

Thats me..partially

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((((Jes)))

I'm not sure if you were reading my mind or something, but I was eventually getting around to starting a thread like this.  Of course it wouldn't have been quite so eloquent.  I realized last week I wouldn't know a coping mechanism if it bit me in the ass.

I might come back and answer these questions eventually.  But even reading everyone else's answers made me realize that maybe some of that is me.  Who knows.

Cathy

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Great thread, Jes.  I love this trend of thoughtful, healing posts.

[i]What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?[/i]

A little bit of anger, which is mostly an anger born of the (reasonably new) realization that I'm worth more than the shit that they put me through.  Mainly, it's sadness and an occasional touch of depression, though.  Sadness at how many people are fighting the same demons I am, and sadness that people treat each other so horribly and hurt each other so much...sadness that some of the most beautiful souls I have had the pleasure of calling my friends (and brothers and sisters in healing) have been hurt more than words can express.

[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?  Are you a good communicator?  Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions?  Can you ask for help when you need it?[/i]

You know, about a year ago, I would've answered this something like, "Strengths?  What strengths?"  Now, I can see many strengths.  I'm determined.  I'm stubborn.  I keep a pretty positive outlook, even when I'm on one of my 3945349875 rants.  Even when I feel the worst, I remain convinced that it gets better.  And I have learned to give myself permission to feel whatever I feel and to ask for help when I need it.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?  Do you paint, draw, write or talk?[/i]

It depends.  I talk it out (or post it out) if I can.  If I can't, I write.  A lot.  I write whatever comes out.  I listen to music that suits my mood and what I'm feeling and I sing my heart out, caring nothing about how I sound.  If I'm angry, I rant...and rant...and rant to someone I trust.  Or do something physical.

More than anything, I turn all of my negative emotions into something I can use.  They drive me to do things I believe in, like my fundraising projects and to do things that I hope will make some small difference to someone, like my volunteer work, my website or my message board.  When I'm hurting or I'm angry about something, I always think, "How can I use this to help someone?"

I love that quote, Jes ~ "Be the change you wish to see in this world."  That puts it so well.

xoxo

Lynn

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Jester, my friend -  something you said in your post was also something that works for me when I'm very down, and it is remembering the beauty, courage and kindness that exists in the world, because it really really does. That never, ever fails to make me feel more hopeful.

It's late at night and I'm tired and would bugger up cutting and pasting the questions...but a strength I have is [i]defiance[/i]. Defiance enabled me to stay out of a violent relationship, and it serves me now.

In the spirit of defiance, I do the opposite of whatever trauma dictates to me. When it tells me that taking care of myself is not worthwhile, I say "fuck you" and run a bubble bath. When it tells me that I am unloveable, I remind myself that people do indeed love me and are not crazy for doing so.


Love

Lou xxxxxx

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i cope by locking myself away from people and living for my computer. i cope by punishing myself for it by not eating for days and i cope by trying to numb myself and not thinking about it. i also cope by worrying about other people and there problems that way i dont have to think about my own problems unhealthy i know but its hard to break because ive done it most of my life.

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I'm not much of a writer,talking about it takes up more energy than anything it seems, so my coping technique is to work with my animals and spend time with them. The first few days afterwards the only things that saved me were going out to do chores and riding my horses. They are the only things I'm not afraid to get close with and the only ones I still trust. Even if you don't live somewhere where you can have pets go down to a local shelter or pet store you may be amazed at what the healing power those animals have. I hope this wasn't to much of a cliche.

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[quote name='2ndchance' date='07 July 2010 - 04:11 PM' timestamp='1278519075' post='1215020']
I'm not much of a writer,talking about it takes up more energy than anything it seems, so my coping technique is to work with my animals and spend time with them. The first few days afterwards the only things that saved me were going out to do chores and riding my horses. They are the only things I'm not afraid to get close with and the only ones I still trust. Even if you don't live somewhere where you can have pets go down to a local shelter or pet store you may be amazed at what the healing power those animals have. I hope this wasn't to much of a cliche.
[/quote]

I'm glad you have your animals. I would love a dog but am not in a position to have one, but just imagining/planning having a dog can calm me down.

[i]What bad feelings do you experience? Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression? Can you say why?[/i]

Grief, grief, grief at everything I lost and missed out on.

Depression... this one I don't understand properly. I had depression for years when I had amnesia about what happened but after I remembered I thought that was due to the effort of keeping the memories squashed down. Now I have it again, but I have the memories too.

Anxiety. Working a lot on this.

[i]More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience? Are you a good communicator? Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions? Can you ask for help when you need it?[/i]

I don't give up. I don't know why, but I just won't give up.

On a good day, I'll try to look at the emotions instead of blocking them. On a good day, I'll try to see myself with compassion.

[i]In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions? Do you paint, draw, write or talk?[/i]

I make collages with magazine pictures, or draw, or cut out a picture that expresses how I'm feeling and stick that in my sketch book.

I write (journalling and writing from the subconscious). I keep a dream diary and write about my dreams.

I post here on pandys :dancingpanda: . There's a healing exercise thread where you write about a feeling - what's it like, if it made a noise what noise would it make etc. That really helps me.

I do little symbolic rituals, like lighting a candle for myself when I'm overcome with sadness.
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I cope by exercising it really helps the harder the better

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What bad feelings do you experience?  Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression?  Can you say why?

Right now it's like all these old feelings are leaking out of me. Anger, sadness, grief, frustration, feelings I couldn't feel at the time, trickling out bit by bit. I feel really hopeless and miserable at times, but it has to come out.

More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience?  Are you a good communicator?  Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions?  Can you ask for help when you need it?

Carrying on even when it's hard. I'm some kind of trooper or something. I think I'm kind, too, and I ask for help sometimes from my closest friends, and I offer help as well. When I'm feeling low, sometimes I reach out to my friends, ask how they are, and remind myself that I'm not just a pointless, useless nothing but I actually mean something to people.

In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions?  Do you paint, draw, write or talk?

I write and play guitar. I also use a lot of distraction, like Sudoku which is great for occupying the mind, and I read a lot. I do Zumba, and I also like to play music loudly and sing along while washing up, cheers me up no end for some reason. My cat helps as well, it's very therapeutic sitting stroking him and the pure, innocent joy of watching a kitten chase a ribbon is really something.

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I try n take one day at a time. I also look for opportunities to "speak up" n write letters to companies when I c they advertise women as sex objects. To try n bring awareness of the negative affects it brings in a society. It helps me hv a sense of purpose n also helps me feel like I'm doing something to help make this a better world to live in since things seem to just get worse when nobody speaks up.

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What bad feelings do you experience? Are you dealing with anger, sadness, depression? Can you say why?

I've improved a lot in the past year. I've definitely struggled with anger and frustration, with other people for not understanding, with the people who hurt me, and with myself for not dealing with the situation better. Sometimes I feel inert and hopeless because I feel there is no way forward. I feel very scared of the future.

More importantly, what positive attributes and strengths do you bring with you as you cope with your experience? Are you a good communicator? Are you able to simply sit and feel your emotions? Can you ask for help when you need it?

I don't usually bottle things up. Being too open about my problems can be a strain on my relationships and can even lead to further frustration. However, in the long run, I think it's for the best. I'm trying to learn how to not dump all my issues on other people but still know when to talk when I need to. I do generally ask for help when I need it. In that way, I am a survivor. I've had moments where I want to give up, but I'm the type of person who tends to form plans. These are plans to crawl out of whatever hole I'm in. Sometimes I go around in circles feeling confused and uncertain, but the desire to get better is a strength.

In what positive ways do you deal with your emotions? Do you paint, draw, write or talk?

It's really good to remind myself how far I've come. I like to listen to music. I colored in coloring books a lot, especially a few months after I was abused. I write in my journal. And I feel as though I've talked about things too much, though it has helped. I've written here and on tumblr, I've talked with friends and therapists.

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