Kind Words

[Shannon]

This is a mirror thread of one in a private forum, but we had a suggestion to make a public version so here goes.

Oftentimes people say things that hurt us. Why not honor the things our friends, family, and fellow survivors have said that has HELPED us heal?

What kind and supportive words have been validating? What anger expressed on our behalf has made us feel valued?

Share 'em here!

[blooregardqkazoo]

"You are a gem among coal, DeLani" ~ my friend, Marie

"I'll give you my hand, ear or shoulder to cry...but I'll never ever leave you...never once will I," -- Kendra (my BFF), reciting a poem we made our "friendship poem" in grade school...

"There's too much good and there's too much love inside of you for something like this to be even remotely right," - J.W. (abbreviation for my favorite teacher)

"You must have joy inside of you, because it seeps to the outside" - my friend Cavan.

Edited August 16, 2007 by blooregardqkazoo

[Guest]

Just the fact that someone was angry for me. Wanted to smash his face in for what he did. That someone was actually angry for me....that I was worth that... That they keep repeating that I didn't deserve it and it wasn't my fault no matter what circumstances or reasons I gave that I thought it was.

Is more but that was what I thought of straight away when I read this... maybe I'll come back to this and add stuff later.

[Lassie]

My memory isn't all that good, but just the other day someone said something that just went to the core of me. We were talking about how confused I was that people seemed to really like being around me, and she said

"It's because you are Kind. You don't find that very often."

I immediately changed the subject, but I have been thinking about it ever since. And what she said would make me bawl if I wasn't on Paxil, because I have NEVER wanted to be like my second step-mother, all hard and cruel and such. Her telling me I am kind was like her telling me "You are nothing like your second step-mother", and I've never had anyone say that to me before.

Edited August 6, 2007 by RoughCollieGirl

[Sadie]

Bad things happen to good people.

I'm glad that you survived.

I love you baby, I love you unconditionally and we'll get through this.

It happened to me too, you're not alone. <---this especially helped me.

[blondie2002]

"You're awesome"! That's what my friend that encouraged me to tell my mom told me! blondie24

Edited November 2, 2007 by blondie24

[starry]

You've been through a lot.

You're real brave.

You're a strong person.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Ayanna]

These are all from one of my friends:

Do you need a hug? (When I told her I was upset by stuff my ex was doing, the night before I split up with him)

Of course you did! You're only human! (The same night, when I got all upset telling her I got aroused from the often-unwanted touching)

What he did was vey wrong. (Last month when I emailed her after I had a hellish post-traumatic nightmare and I was close to the end of my rope)

You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. (After I told her he sexually assaulted me last year)

I suppose as I start sharing more I'll have more to add, but those are all I have right now.

Anna

[JustaMelody]

"Our pasts do not define who we are." <<<From my favorite teacher. I found out just before he made that statement..

*T* warning, maybe

that he was physically abused for years as a child. He made it out of that nightmare though, and that really amazes me.

[blooregardqkazoo]

"Don't be afraid to make mistakes! But, be afraid of your mistakes making YOU," -- J.W. (abbreviation for my favorite teacher)

[confusedbee]

my bf is the absolute best at saying the sweetest things ever, pretty much everyime we are together he says something absolutley adorable

sometimes him telling me that i am beautiful or adorable makes me feel so much better, just knowing someone thinks i am. he has said so many awesome things to me and right now the only one i can remember is from the time i told him i was a survivor and he said "i'll always be here for you" and it was like the best thing anyone had ever said to me. and of course tehre is my cousin who has pretty much stood up for me and made me feel like i wasnt alone and has helped me so much, just her beingthere is like a thousand kind words.

[Faith1987]

My friend said something beautiful to me once. I can't remember the exact words, but it was along the lines of:

'You can always tell me anything, because I'll always want to listen. I know you think that it hurts me but it doesn't, I want to take the pain away from you and then maybe together we can let it go for good.'

It just made me feel so much less alone in that moment.

xFaithx

[Guest lrc7535]

"You're the only one who can forgive yourself." (my best friend)

"Thank you for your story. I think you are safe now, wherever there is water." --(this was a note given to me at the end of a conference...the person who wrote it had sat with me on a ledge overlooking a river, and I told her what happened. She listened, she really listened. And then at the end of the week she put this note in my hand before I left, along with a smooth stone that I still hold onto when I'm scared)

A biographer once told me, when I asked if she learned anything from the mistakes of the people she wrote about: "There are no cautionary tales."

"It's not your fault."

Edited August 26, 2007 by lrc7535

[Cran11]

After screaming at this friend for the millionth time (and for no fault of his own), just before I storm off like usual...

"I can't understand what you're going through, I can't even imagine it, but know that no matter how many times you yell, cry, and walk away, I will be waiting right here for when you're ready and need a hug"

"You're not difficult. You're not a burden. You're in pain and it's understandable. Do what you need to do for yourself."

"Don't worry if sometimes you can't hang out with people. Don't worry if they get mad, that's their problem and they'll get over it."

"It's okay to eat if you're hungry. You are beautiful, you will always be beautiful."

[l*j*h]

You are so so special and loved and cherished. What happened was not personal and you are safe now. (mum)

You are such a long way away... I just want to give you a big hug. Be strong - I'm always here for you. (dad)

It is not your fault some scumbag took advantage of you.

I would never think of you as any different from when I first met you, which is a very lovely, confident, smart, fun loving young woman and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. (my exes mum)

You can't blame yourself. You can't be to blame for some sick person's actions. (my ex)

Poor girl, it shouldnt have happened to you. You were so innocent and just you. This shouldnt happen to anyone but mostly it shouldnt happen to you.

It helps to read these back to myself in those lowest of moments which I still have!

And it helps to read everyone elses comments too.

[twisted]

"Don't hide from me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were innocent. No one protected you. I just want to wipe any feelings of shame away from you. It is inexcusable and unforgiveable."

And then he cried with me & for me.

[Hales]

Your not alone anymore, I'm always here for you to talk or listen if you need me

[sarah86]

Just the fact that someone was angry for me. Wanted to smash his face in for what he did. That someone was actually angry for me....that I was worth that... That they keep repeating that I didn't deserve it and it wasn't my fault no matter what circumstances or reasons I gave that I thought it was.

I agree. I have someone in my life that is angry for me, and that's so comforting to know someone is angry because I'm not. I don't know why, but I'm not angry. I don't think I'm there yet.

Also, I read on someone's status that read "I am not what happened to me". That's so profound, and I think about that quote a lot. It really helps.

I've also been told I'm courageous. Not sure about that one, but it made me feel like I was stronger than I think I am.

[BlueBoystears]

"You are a gem among coal, DeLani" ~ my friend, Marie

I said something very simular to my friend. I said to her "You are a diamond among rocks. They just want to take away your beauty." - Danny. *me*

Edited February 28, 2008 by BlueBoystears

[seekingfreedom]

My friends were all very mad at my dad once they found out. They were saying things like, "I hate him" and "I wish he was dead." I didn't like hearing that, because I was struggling with the issue of him being a loving father and an abuser at different times. He was still my dad, and no matter what he did, I couldn't hate him. My counselor said to me, "I don't hate him. I hate what he did to you." That was very helpful. She also said, "I don't wish he was dead. If there was no him, there would've been no you!"

A good friend promised she would never leave me. (and she didn't )

I liked it when people asked me questions, and didn't just pretend it didn't happen.

I liked it when people hugged me or held me (and especially when they asked if it was ok first)

[Jules]

I believe the most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me is:

'I understand' or 'you're not alone'

[lostwaif]

Kind words:

My cousin (and only support in my family): "I`m so sorry that this (the abuse) happened. If I ever saw him I`d shoot the b*gger. I love you and I believe you. You have the strength to overcome this - I believe in you".

My friend at uni: He won`t come back, I promise you. If I ever saw him again I`d fell him. You have no need to feel ashamed - he`s the disgusting one".

My 3 fave words: "I BELIEVE YOU".

[shadow25]

My personal favourite - "Are you okay?" If anyone sees that I'm upset and thinks that I'm worth bothering about...wow. It really makes my day

"There is nothing you could say that would make me think any less of you"

"Is there any chance I could track him down and kick his a**?"

"You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but I'm just letting you know that it would break my heart if you were to walk away from me in this much pain"

"There are so many people that love you. And we will always love you, no matter what"

"It's okay for you to cry, it doesn't make you weak to feel like a little kid. It feels like there's a little 11 year old girl inside of you, and there's nothing wrong with taking care of her cos she's scared too"

"I was r**** too, by my cousin, I know it can be hard. You're so brave for being able to tell me"

"Are you seriously okay after what happened today?" A text I got from a friend after having a panic attack at uni. I didn't tell him any details, but the fact that he talked to me afterwards, just to check I was alright

"Come talk to me. Please, I want to help you"

A text I got from a friend when I asked him what if, hypothetically, I were to tell him I'd been r*ped - "Not sure if there is much I could do other than detest them or run them down in my car if I ever see them." I cried after reading that, to think that someone would be so angry for me.

Any hugs, someone holding my hand, an arm around the shoulder, a pat on the back...after I tell people this, a lot of them are scared to touch me, but when they do comfort me...That's all I really need.

Edited June 14, 2008 by shadow25

[juno]

It's not your fault

You are a good person

He is an asshole

You did nothing wrong

We worry when you cut yourself, don't do it anymore

I love you but I don't like it when you cut, but I try to understand

Mummy, if I put some cream on your face will you feel better?

Mum, thank you for spending time with me today

Love you, see you in the morning

I love you sweetness, don't do anything silly

[suzystillindarkness]

My best friend told me that she would totally understand if I killed my abuser, and she would stand by me if it came to that. She also said that she fantasizes telling him off and/or killing him herself. She has also said that at my funeral, if I haven't yet found the courage to expose him, that she would, loud and clear.

Another good friend has told me that I can call her anytime if I ever need to talk. And she means it. I think she knows how close I've come to going postal. She has also told me how much she admires me, what a wonderful person I am to her, and how much she values our friendship. Example: I was staying over at her house recently and she was explaining that she had a lot of computer equipment in her living room and to be careful. I assumed she was worried about me damaging her equipment, but she said, "I have have lots of equipment but only one Susan." Wow. She was worried about ME.