Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

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Ok well I would also like to say thank u for this thread. I am really new to this web sight and have not had a lot of time to look around. I am trying more to read stories and try and share mine as I am remembering them. I read what u posted amount who deserves to be here and as far as I can see or think of it covers me as well. I have just started dealing with my abuse issue and believe me it is not easy. Java I wanted to say I think therapy is the best thing. If u want someone to talk I will be willing too. I read that u r saying not my fault but in my heart I still think there is something I could gave done to prevent it. Mine happened over 30 years ago and I am Just now dealing with it. Does it get any easier ????

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I just have evidence that I was molested. I don't have specific memories. although, I do see the covert incest in my life and the neglect from when I was a child. I have struggled with accepting the horror of what happened to me. I have thought that my life was such a mess because there was something wrong with me and I have had to learn to get angry to those who have abused me. I relate to what was said about others not taking me seriously and I am reluctant to even talking to others who are not survivors because of this.

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I just have evidence that I was molested. I don't have specific memories. although, I do see the covert incest in my life and the neglect from when I was a child. I have struggled with accepting the horror of what happened to me. I have thought that my life was such a mess because there was something wrong with me and I have had to learn to get angry to those who have abused me. I relate to what was said about others not taking me seriously and I am reluctant to even talking to others who are not survivors because of this.

Hi Achestobewell. Glad you found Pandy's and that you feel comfortable enough to post on this thread. There is nothing wrong with you - the blame lays solely with your abuser(s). Everyone here is so caring and supportive. Sending safe hugs if that's okay.

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I would sum it up by saying everyone who is a survivor, no matter the circumstances and also any secondaries.

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I keep coming back to this thread to validate that I belong here. It is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I am even allowed here - much less belong. I have nothing to complain about and yet I feel as if that is all I do these days. I feel as if the last 6 years of my life were the worst - not the singular week when I was a kid. I don't even know how or where to talk about the recent things...but I keep trying to tell myself that I am allowed to come in here and post and chat with people.

Anyway, I'm sorry - just needed to let that out.

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this is my first time here or on any forum. i was abused by my cousin when i was 8 years old for a couple of years, i can't remember all the details. i told my parents eventually and some time after that he was sent away from our house, again i can't remember the time frames. since then i have been managing okay and i almost "forgot" it happened to me.

more recently, my husband and i adopted an 8 year old girl. and all of a sudden i was experiencing severe anxiety and intense feelings. and then i was feeling guilty about those feelings because i couldn't figure out why i felt that way. i started to uncover the link between my early abuse and my feelings that have surfaced now that we've adopted.

i'm working diligently with my therapist. i'm working through PTSD workbooks. i'm doing everything i can think of ..... at the same time, i realize how distrusting i am of my husband, i am afraid of being abandoned although there are no facts to support these feelings. the facts are actually show his support. i'm not able to connect with our adopted daughter at all. i'm afraid that if i can't figure it out i'll lose my husband, wrecked a young girl's life, and dismantled my own.

i feel intensely lonely.

i have spoken to many friends and while their heart is in the right place, it is all about what my progress is and if i'm better yet and if all the complexities around the adoption have settled down and i don't feel like i can talk to them beyond what i've already shared.

thank you for being here. i appreciate the posts and the kindness in this forum.

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Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

I can't tell you what this post means to me - to know that someone else thought PTSD was only for 'real victims'. I have argued and got upset with my T since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel such a fraud but this makes me feel better. I still think more people deserve the diagnosis than I do but - thanks - from the bottom of my heart thumbup.gif

Thanks for this. Truly.

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I love this. I've been sexually abused for 3 years from age 10-13 with my friend by her grandfather, and another occasion at 14-15 by a friends step dad, she recently reached out to me after 10+ years to help her in her case of abuse by him also.

I was in an abusive relationship with my now ex, and sons dad, we would have a few drinks go to bed, and then I would wake up to him having sex with me. I never actually realized this was still considered rape. That's hard to wrap my head around cause it happened multiple times, and lastly, when my son was 8months I visited home , and for the first time I went downtown and was drinking. And decided to walk home ( I grew up in a small town, and didn't live more than a 10min walk) and I was followed by a strange man and then he raped me in the dirt.

I will never forgot any of the abuse. No one experience has had a greater or lesser impact on me. Being raped by my sons father who I knew and slept beside at night was just as bad as being raped on the ground by a stranger who forced himself on me. It isn't about the act of abuse. It isn't about the penetration. It's about the trust you have on people, the innocence you have in you, the will to live , all of that leaves you the moment you are violated. I will never get that back.

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I'm still new to this. And getting use to how to use everything.

How do you cope with everything if you've had multiple sexual abuses. I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend (2yrs) I love him but it's almost like I don't want to be in a relationship with him, like it's hard for me to express how I feel, I can't call him babe, I can't just say I love you all the time, (only when we end a phone call or say goodbye) , but at the same time I would be lost without him. It's not even that I don't want him, it's that I can't express my feelings without feeling weird about it. It's like all my abuse has made me feel ashamed to feel good because of a guy, I can't accept compliments or flowers from him gracefully , Ughh my mind seems to be wired to hate guys.

I don't know how to explain it? Does this make any sense? Also He doesn't know about my 4x abuse

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I don't understand what I'm supposed to do to be able to talk to people. I'm just starting to wonder what may or may not have happened, although, due to individual, unrelated memories, and other related, or unrelated issues, personal and otherwise, I...Okay, I have no idea. I'm 45, and I know for a fact that I was physically and mentally abused, mostly by my mother, but occasionally by my father, when she would verbally attack his manhood..."If you were a man, you wouldn't let her say that!" "If you had any balls, you wouldn't let her talk to me that way!!" I have occasional pictures in my head, and when I was 10 to 12, I did things that I've not heard of kids that age doing. I'm thinking that even if I'm mistaken about the sexual abuse, I need to find a way to get help for the mental and physical abuse, because even though I feel like, personally, I'm surviving...I have a 7 yr old who, I'm sure, is feeling the brunt of my withdrawal, no matter how much I try to be here for her. And, lately, I'm feeling more detached. That's not cool.

Edited by ggnat4
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I've always felt ashamed because I let myself get hurt.

I was molested for a year (age 9),

molested again several years later(age 13).

Stalked/harrassed/personal space was violated(age 18).

A man (when I was 20) tried to force me to perform oral sex on him, but I fought him off.

A friends boyfriend tried to have sex with me when I was too drunk to consent(I was 21).

A hispanic middle aged man tried dragging me to his motel room and growped and kissed my face while doing so(same night the friends boyfriend tried to take advangage of me).

At 23 I was date raped.The only reason why I know it was rape was because I told him to stop, I said no, I pushed on him, and his responce was "Shut up, I'm already in, I'm going to finish." I feel guilty for letting him climb BACK on top of me after the rape, but he wasn't going to leave even after raping me. So I gave in.

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Thank you for this thread. I thought perhaps I wasn't "enough" of a survivor to be here. Which is silly, but the sort of trick that our brains are so very good at I think. So thank you for this message- It happened almost 20 years ago, I was touched inappropriately, I didn't fight back, I "let" him do it, and I deserve healing.

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I really am not sure that what I originally posted here was clearly sexual abuse and I thank this website for acknowledging my pain anyway. I have realized that there is a lot more I need to say now about situations that more clearly fit the bill.

If I had not been accepted in the beginning I may not have had the chance to heal even more.

I am grateful for the understanding I find here.

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Thank you for this thread. I thought perhaps I wasn't "enough" of a survivor to be here. Which is silly, but the sort of trick that our brains are so very good at I think. So thank you for this message- It happened almost 20 years ago, I was touched inappropriately, I ... I deserve healing.

hi5.gif

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I remember a few things growing up that were bad and felt terrible. My family's invalidation was to physically abuse me when a bad sexual experience happened to me. My mother responded by allowing my brother to beat me. I never said I had been sexually abused. All they did was respond to a counselor who wanted to talk to them about why I was self harming.

I do think I was sexually assaulted prior to the assault by my family. It has taken me a long time to even say that.

I have significant anger at them and my extended family because most of them stuck their head in the sand. They would never in a million years want this to happen to them or their daughters. I am sure my aunt wouldn't want her son to beat her daughter, to teach her a lesson about sex, and choice, as mine did.

Yet they willfully stuff their head in the sand, and seem to think it's easy to ignore it if it's me. I hate them for that. People don't like the word hate but for the longest time I felt sort of like a non essentiate family member who people let to gatherings because you're family. My abusers got to identify as people. Meanwhile the moment my mother cried that I victimized her they would support her, no matter how made up it was, and no matter how awful a situation she put me in.

Just so much stuff as been said to invalidate my experiences in my family and beyond that I just feel not willing to take it anymore.

I had been told I was not raped/ sexually abused even though I think I was. Yet even without the sexual abuse, my family's attitude towards me was almost sexually abusive because the punishment was to terrorize you for being sexual, or a slut.

Funny how they need to label people sluts to justify their own abusive behavior.

Edited by Ludditesunited
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Ludditesunited, it makes me feel sad that your family was so mean and cruel to you, and that the invalidated you and punished you in so many ways.

I didn't get anything as bad, but I relate to this;

but for the longest time I felt sort of like a non essentiate family member who people let to gatherings because you're family

sad.png

Yeah, they use labels to justify their behaviour. You're dead on right there. We're not labels, we're people mad.gif

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Hi everyone,

I'm new to pandys, and I'm so glad to have found a place like this. I thought I was coping up until now but I realise that all I've been doing is blocking out my emotions in order to cope. My assault happened 10 months ago but I was only in court a week ago, so you could say it's fresh for me.

I have an amazing support group around me which I'm so grateful for, but I feel as if they're all telling me how I should react and what I should be doing to cope. It's like they all just say what they think will help, which is a lot of the "You'll get through this" and "Be strong" but I don't think I can physically/mentally take it anymore. I'm 18 and I can't even go out drinking because I'm scared of it happening again

I've recently set up a twitter account in which I'm posting my thoughts and emotions to help me and hopefully others, and that seems to be working out okay.

I feel so down that I can't even bring myself to be proud of the fact that I stood up in court and faced it all again, which was a horrible ordeal in itself. I realised I really needed help this evening when I found myself sat on my bed, shaking, actually contemplating whether to swallow a packet of painkillers.

I just wanted to know I'm not alone, because you all seem like wonderful people to me.

Thankyou so much

Fx

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assaulted and attempted rape at 16

raped at 16

assaulted at a concert at 17

assaulted by my boyfriend at 19

exposure to constant sexual harassment that seems to be pervasive in all public and social spaces

also, possible early childhood stuff :/

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Hey Forgetti T, I'm L.E.E 83. I am not feeling good today but i am sorry about what happened to you. I was forced to have sex with my sister by my father. From a young age, all the way up to my junior year. Things can get confusing at times and I do have weird dreams. I have discovered on thing, I can use that negativeity and anger s a weapon to try to do as much good as I can by helping somebody, and that's about it. I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well and I wish you the very best. L.E.E 83

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First post ever. Awaiting counselling 1 on 1, but have been having awful flashbacks of all the rapes & sexual assaults.

It's like the floodgates have opened and everything is spilling out of pandoras box at once. Must cling on to hope.

I have lost count of all the assaults and rapes because remembering is so painful.

Until recently I haven't admitted to myself in years that my son was/is the product of rape...He's a lovely full grown man now, but can't understand why I feel such bitterness towards his father. It's the constant reminder having a son who looks so like my rapist. We were in a longterm relationship that I have only recently accepted was grooming.

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Its been a long time since I have been on this site but I must say its been a hard journey for me since then. I got my associates degree in 2012 and also I lost my mom in 2012 and I started having flash backs of how she knew that my older brother was sexually abusing me when I was a little girl and she didn't do much about it. It was my grandma who stopped the abuse when she caught him by accident. My younger brother used to have nightmares about what happened to me. After suffering from depression for many years, running away from home, suicide attemps, going in and out hospitals I finally decided to get the help that I need and went and got a psychiatrist that I see regularly. I was having anxiety and panic attacks from time to time because of the abuse and flash backs of repressed memories of my abuse. My psychiatrist even reffered me to a group therapy of women who were also abused. In group we don't discuss what happened but we discuss how to heal. I ended up have a baby boy this past October and I am extremely happy about him however now that I have 2 wonderful boys I am even more determined than ever to continue my therapy to be strong for them. My 13 year old tells me all the time how he wants me to be happy because he doesn't like to see me sad. My children are keeping me strong. So with that said as survivors and victims we all deserve to be here.

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It's nice to know that I can be accepted here regardless of what happened to me. I'm still hurt and trying to cope with what happened to me. I've been told so many times that its all behind me and I got out of that relationship, but it's not behind me. Things are better now, but there's still a lot of pieces I need to pick up and I've been doing so much of it on my own.

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Hi, I deserve to heal. Even I wasn't raped but sometimes I keep asking is it better to be raped once or to be molested for years? Is it better if it was a stranger or your own mother? Does it matter? Feelings are the same after all. Panic and anxiety are the same! obviously I was molested for years by my mom. And what a horrible questions your therapist would ask daubting ur story: how long was it? did she touch herself while touching u? Do u think it was cuddle?

who cares if she touched her self or not! the important thing that she touched me. Who cares how long was the duration of molesting? The important thing that it happened daily for me for almost 15 years. And if cuddling your child means that you kiss your daughter breast naked more than once daily and pinch and touch and tickle her private parts daily, then cuddling should be prohibited by law I guess. That is only 1 part of the abuse and I can add the physical and verbal abuse. not all the ppl have the chance to say no. Sometimes we say no only to get hit physically then get molesteD by force. I suffer from obesity since I was a child and it is on going problem. Do I hate my mother? Not every day! Did I knew I was molested? I was convinced that it was normal. Did my body responded to the abuse? Yes it was out of my hand as it was the normal respond to what was happening to me. I felt weird my whole life and I thought I was abnormal. I thought I was born like that only by age of 28 I knew that nothing was my fault. I donnow if I will ever forgive but for sure I will never forget. I'm still searching for help and I Deserve to Heal!

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I think this is absolutely amazing I am jail facing up to all my problems and getting out there

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I really think what Shannon posted to Princess was excellent. That it matters not what we did or didnt do as rape survivors. What matters is that another human raped us. That's where our focus ought to be. If the focus gets shifted onto to us, the picture gets fuzzy.

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