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Who Deserves to Be Here?


Jes

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Thank you for this post. It was one of the first I found when I stumbled upon your site and it made me rethink a little bit. I shouldn't feel ashamed that something that happened several years ago should still affect my life now. I have "gotten over it" to a point, but I obviously haven't because I haven't moved forward and had relationships.

I hate writing this out because it does make me feel...stupid, weak, insipid...but I know and understand that that is all part of it. We all have our hang-ups and there are specific forums for these things, so I will navigate to those. Just thought I would say thank you for this pinned post :)

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Hi MissE,

I'm glad you found us! You absolutely have nothing to be ashamed of! Healing takes as long as it takes. There's no way to fast forward - trust me, I would have been all over that! ;)

Be well,

Susan

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Haha, girl I hear you! It is a journey, and I am confident that it is making me a stronger person. I'm trying to use it as a strength, rather than a weakness, to help others that have experienced a similar situation. I have my down days, but I know it is still allowed to affect me because it is something that I have gone through, so long as I don't dwell on it and make myself sick over it!

Thanks again ;)

E

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Two nights ago a girlfriend of mind and I went over to our friends's house for drinks after the bar. I've know both these guys for a little over 8 years and considered them my friends. At the end of the night my friend that came with me went into one of the guy's rooms to sleep so I decided I'd sleep in the bed with my other guy friend. I've stayed with him a couple times before last night and he never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable and never even tried to make a move. I thought I was safe with him. At first, he just tried to kiss me, I kissed back at first, but then turned away. In the past he's dated a girl I used to be friends with and even though we aren't friends now I still didn't feel right doing anything sexual with him. I told him this. He continued to try. We have always had a joking, fun friendship so I just tried to make light of the situation, i thought he'd stop, but it got worse. After several times of trying to kiss me, he started to try and undress me. It was at the this point that I firmly said no and stop. He didn't. He instead grabbed me by my hair and throat and started choking me. While doing this he demanded that I take my clothes off. He was also touching me all over my body at this point. I tried to push him off, but he's a lot bigger than I am and I think I was in shock. At one point while choking me I actually couldn't breathe and it was at that moment I think my fight or flight kicked in and I was able to get out from underneath him. It was only for a second though and then he got me down again. I kept telling him no and to stop. He then tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. It was at this point that I started to cry and I think he realized what he was doing. He stopped. He stopped before actually raping me, but I still feel violated. I feel like it's my fault for going to bed with him, even though I know I shouldn't blame myself. I feel embarrassed. It was a stupid situation to put myself in. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel so violated and hurt. He keeps contacting my friend that was with me telling her to tell me he's sorry and that he wants to talk to me, but the thought of talking to him makes me sick. I'm very confused about how to feel about this, and I haven't told anyone the extent of what went on. Last night, I couldn't sleep so I started to look up information and came across this specific post. It reached out to me because I don't know if I belong here because he did stop. I kept telling myself that it wasn't a big deal, but I can't think about anything else, I feel disgusting, and violated. And I feel hurt because I trusted him. I have bruises and marks on my chest and throat and looking at them makes me sick, I just want it all to go away.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. It wasnt your fault. It wasn't your fault.

He physically and sexually assaulted you and I'm so sorry this happened. Even though he didn't actually manage to rape you, he still disregarded your 'no' and that has an effect on how you feel now.

You deserve to be here, although I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and hope you find some support here as you start to come to terms with what happened and decide what to do next. Please keep reaching out for help - some other forums such as 'my voice' have more 'traffic' on them, if you do not get many replies here and would like more.

On a practical level, can you take photographs of the bruising before it goes away? And would you feel comfortable calling a crisis line - there are different ones in different countries - to help you as you decide what to do?

Edited by Susanna
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Thank you for responding so quickly, Susanna. It sounds ridiculous, but I needed someone to confirm that it was physical and sexual assault. Just to hear someone else say it helps me. Thank you for the advice on the forums. There is so much on this site, I wasn't sure where to start. I just needed to get it all out. I will take pictures of the marks and bruises , I'm not sure what I want to do about this yet, but just incase I will keep that evidence. I'm not sure about the crisis line yet, but I will look into it. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I think it's wonderful what this site provides.

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Pandys is very special - it will be there no matter what, whatever you decide to do now or in the future.

It's sometimes very hard to believe that 'it was SA' - it's common to many, no matter the circumstances, to feel that 'it didn't count'.

:metoyou:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

I can't tell you what this post means to me - to know that someone else thought PTSD was only for 'real victims'. I have argued and got upset with my T since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel such a fraud but this makes me feel better. I still think more people deserve the diagnosis than I do but - thanks - from the bottom of my heart thumbup.gif

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  • 1 month later...

I've been reading all the posts on this thread up to page nine and had to stop here.

My stomach hurts and I'm all tense..

and I've been raped in my life more times to count.

and I think it started with my father. And I've never said anything to anyone. ever. maybe it didn't happen and I'm making it all up in my head, that part.

And maybe my exhusband didn't really tie me to the bed and have other men come in and rape me.

only one of my rapists in my life has ever faced any kind of justice. I was hitchhiking with friends and drinking and they got dropped off first then he drove to the hills and raped me. I went home and told my mom and the police were called. I was "lucky". After a preliminary trial, during which I got hysterical after my testimony I guess they thought I wouldn't be a good witness and pleaded him out from kidnapping, rape, assault, and sodomy, to statutory rape. He did 2/12 yrs of a five year sentence.

I might have been raped over a hundred times.

I have also prostituted myself, and that began after my exhusband pimped me out, but even after I left him, when I was smoking crack, would go out and have sex with men for drugs or money.

I have wanted to die more times than I can count, but never had the guts to actually try to kill myself. On the tv show Family Guy, I remember once Peter Griffin making a joke to the effect that it's okay to kill hookers or strippers because they are already dead inside. I wish I had felt dead inside..then I wouldn't have felt the pain I felt and still feel to this day.

I'm nothing but a crack whore slut, but I haven't used in over five years. And haven't been raped in about as long too...near to the last time I smoked, I was sodomized again.

Today I am trying like hell to learn to like myself. But I couldn't even finish reading this thread all the way through, my face is all flushed, my pulse is racing, my heart is pounding, and I just got done screaming at my poor dog because he wanted to go outside and I was having a panic attack and when he wouldn't go right away, I practically dragged him back inside, and then screamed at him when I got back inside, and now he is laying down behind the easy chair and I feet like refried shit on a shingle.

Edited by jessme
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  • 2 weeks later...

I needed this. For such a long time I've struggled with believing whether I "qualified" to heal or not because I didn't think my experience was as bad as others'. Now I know I was minimizing my hurt. I am new here, i joined a few days ago and this is the first message board I join. I have only told 2 people, my longtime best friend and boyfriend. My now boyfriend was the first to find out. We weren't dating at the time, since I had just recently broken up with my ex-fiancé (the perpetrator) weeks after the rape (I still have trouble calling it that.) That was a year and 5 months ago. My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive throughout. I still have flashbacks and vivid nightmares. I haven't told anyone (not even my boyfriend) everything that I went through in my previous relationship. I know there are things I pushed back into the back of my mind and part of me is terrified to tell anyone while the other part of me is desperate to tell. Does anyone else ever feel this way? It's overwhelming sometimes. :( I've also considered seeing a counselor but something is holding me back. I don't know what it is.....other than that I've gotten a lot better with time; I've been slowly refocusing on my classes and staying away from unhealthy coping mechanisms (I have a long history of self-harm). Thanks everyone, your posts are very helpful. Now I don't feel so alone. :)

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  • 1 month later...

Ok well I would also like to say thank u for this thread. I am really new to this web sight and have not had a lot of time to look around. I am trying more to read stories and try and share mine as I am remembering them. I read what u posted amount who deserves to be here and as far as I can see or think of it covers me as well. I have just started dealing with my abuse issue and believe me it is not easy. Java I wanted to say I think therapy is the best thing. If u want someone to talk I will be willing too. I read that u r saying not my fault but in my heart I still think there is something I could gave done to prevent it. Mine happened over 30 years ago and I am Just now dealing with it. Does it get any easier ????

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  • 2 months later...
achestobewell

I just have evidence that I was molested. I don't have specific memories. although, I do see the covert incest in my life and the neglect from when I was a child. I have struggled with accepting the horror of what happened to me. I have thought that my life was such a mess because there was something wrong with me and I have had to learn to get angry to those who have abused me. I relate to what was said about others not taking me seriously and I am reluctant to even talking to others who are not survivors because of this.

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I just have evidence that I was molested. I don't have specific memories. although, I do see the covert incest in my life and the neglect from when I was a child. I have struggled with accepting the horror of what happened to me. I have thought that my life was such a mess because there was something wrong with me and I have had to learn to get angry to those who have abused me. I relate to what was said about others not taking me seriously and I am reluctant to even talking to others who are not survivors because of this.

Hi Achestobewell. Glad you found Pandy's and that you feel comfortable enough to post on this thread. There is nothing wrong with you - the blame lays solely with your abuser(s). Everyone here is so caring and supportive. Sending safe hugs if that's okay.

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I would sum it up by saying everyone who is a survivor, no matter the circumstances and also any secondaries.

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I keep coming back to this thread to validate that I belong here. It is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I am even allowed here - much less belong. I have nothing to complain about and yet I feel as if that is all I do these days. I feel as if the last 6 years of my life were the worst - not the singular week when I was a kid. I don't even know how or where to talk about the recent things...but I keep trying to tell myself that I am allowed to come in here and post and chat with people.

Anyway, I'm sorry - just needed to let that out.

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  • 3 weeks later...

this is my first time here or on any forum. i was abused by my cousin when i was 8 years old for a couple of years, i can't remember all the details. i told my parents eventually and some time after that he was sent away from our house, again i can't remember the time frames. since then i have been managing okay and i almost "forgot" it happened to me.

more recently, my husband and i adopted an 8 year old girl. and all of a sudden i was experiencing severe anxiety and intense feelings. and then i was feeling guilty about those feelings because i couldn't figure out why i felt that way. i started to uncover the link between my early abuse and my feelings that have surfaced now that we've adopted.

i'm working diligently with my therapist. i'm working through PTSD workbooks. i'm doing everything i can think of ..... at the same time, i realize how distrusting i am of my husband, i am afraid of being abandoned although there are no facts to support these feelings. the facts are actually show his support. i'm not able to connect with our adopted daughter at all. i'm afraid that if i can't figure it out i'll lose my husband, wrecked a young girl's life, and dismantled my own.

i feel intensely lonely.

i have spoken to many friends and while their heart is in the right place, it is all about what my progress is and if i'm better yet and if all the complexities around the adoption have settled down and i don't feel like i can talk to them beyond what i've already shared.

thank you for being here. i appreciate the posts and the kindness in this forum.

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Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

I can't tell you what this post means to me - to know that someone else thought PTSD was only for 'real victims'. I have argued and got upset with my T since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel such a fraud but this makes me feel better. I still think more people deserve the diagnosis than I do but - thanks - from the bottom of my heart thumbup.gif

Thanks for this. Truly.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I love this. I've been sexually abused for 3 years from age 10-13 with my friend by her grandfather, and another occasion at 14-15 by a friends step dad, she recently reached out to me after 10+ years to help her in her case of abuse by him also.

I was in an abusive relationship with my now ex, and sons dad, we would have a few drinks go to bed, and then I would wake up to him having sex with me. I never actually realized this was still considered rape. That's hard to wrap my head around cause it happened multiple times, and lastly, when my son was 8months I visited home , and for the first time I went downtown and was drinking. And decided to walk home ( I grew up in a small town, and didn't live more than a 10min walk) and I was followed by a strange man and then he raped me in the dirt.

I will never forgot any of the abuse. No one experience has had a greater or lesser impact on me. Being raped by my sons father who I knew and slept beside at night was just as bad as being raped on the ground by a stranger who forced himself on me. It isn't about the act of abuse. It isn't about the penetration. It's about the trust you have on people, the innocence you have in you, the will to live , all of that leaves you the moment you are violated. I will never get that back.

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I'm still new to this. And getting use to how to use everything.

How do you cope with everything if you've had multiple sexual abuses. I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend (2yrs) I love him but it's almost like I don't want to be in a relationship with him, like it's hard for me to express how I feel, I can't call him babe, I can't just say I love you all the time, (only when we end a phone call or say goodbye) , but at the same time I would be lost without him. It's not even that I don't want him, it's that I can't express my feelings without feeling weird about it. It's like all my abuse has made me feel ashamed to feel good because of a guy, I can't accept compliments or flowers from him gracefully , Ughh my mind seems to be wired to hate guys.

I don't know how to explain it? Does this make any sense? Also He doesn't know about my 4x abuse

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I don't understand what I'm supposed to do to be able to talk to people. I'm just starting to wonder what may or may not have happened, although, due to individual, unrelated memories, and other related, or unrelated issues, personal and otherwise, I...Okay, I have no idea. I'm 45, and I know for a fact that I was physically and mentally abused, mostly by my mother, but occasionally by my father, when she would verbally attack his manhood..."If you were a man, you wouldn't let her say that!" "If you had any balls, you wouldn't let her talk to me that way!!" I have occasional pictures in my head, and when I was 10 to 12, I did things that I've not heard of kids that age doing. I'm thinking that even if I'm mistaken about the sexual abuse, I need to find a way to get help for the mental and physical abuse, because even though I feel like, personally, I'm surviving...I have a 7 yr old who, I'm sure, is feeling the brunt of my withdrawal, no matter how much I try to be here for her. And, lately, I'm feeling more detached. That's not cool.

Edited by ggnat4
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I've always felt ashamed because I let myself get hurt.

I was molested for a year (age 9),

molested again several years later(age 13).

Stalked/harrassed/personal space was violated(age 18).

A man (when I was 20) tried to force me to perform oral sex on him, but I fought him off.

A friends boyfriend tried to have sex with me when I was too drunk to consent(I was 21).

A hispanic middle aged man tried dragging me to his motel room and growped and kissed my face while doing so(same night the friends boyfriend tried to take advangage of me).

At 23 I was date raped.The only reason why I know it was rape was because I told him to stop, I said no, I pushed on him, and his responce was "Shut up, I'm already in, I'm going to finish." I feel guilty for letting him climb BACK on top of me after the rape, but he wasn't going to leave even after raping me. So I gave in.

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halfdreaming

Thank you for this thread. I thought perhaps I wasn't "enough" of a survivor to be here. Which is silly, but the sort of trick that our brains are so very good at I think. So thank you for this message- It happened almost 20 years ago, I was touched inappropriately, I didn't fight back, I "let" him do it, and I deserve healing.

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I really am not sure that what I originally posted here was clearly sexual abuse and I thank this website for acknowledging my pain anyway. I have realized that there is a lot more I need to say now about situations that more clearly fit the bill.

If I had not been accepted in the beginning I may not have had the chance to heal even more.

I am grateful for the understanding I find here.

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Thank you for this thread. I thought perhaps I wasn't "enough" of a survivor to be here. Which is silly, but the sort of trick that our brains are so very good at I think. So thank you for this message- It happened almost 20 years ago, I was touched inappropriately, I ... I deserve healing.

hi5.gif

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