Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

238 posts in this topic

Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. I've been struggling so much lately and it really helps to feel that I am not crazy or alone. It's so hard for me to feel justified in being angry or upset. I feel it was my fault because I didn't fight back-- I was silent-- I am so angry at myself.

Im just angry, confused, angry, confused...trying to rationalize these irrational feelings away. I just need to know that it is ok to be upset.

How do I know if it is?

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Pita, I am not quite sure how to say this, but I feel proud of you! It's so hard to come forth with truths that fall silent... It is wonderful that you have spoken up about what happened.

Hugs n 🌺💐

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Illyrias, as a fellow male survivor, I know just what you mean about the way society makes it all somehow our fault. At the same time though, I've reached a point where I see all of what society tells us as the load of crap it is. You totally deserve to be here - we both do - and I hope you get the support you need here.

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Hello all. My name is Maggie...My grandaughter was molested by her papaw. This just happened last month on the 11th. It has really tore the whole family apart. our grandaughter lives with us. Since all this came out he had to move! Now it is just she and I. It has been a rollercoaster ride ro say the least. She is getting theripy and doing well. Me on the other hand am losing my mind. i have gone from anger towards him, to blaming myself, to anger towards my grandaughter...shock, dis belief, denial. Uggggggg I am so upset and confused,,

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Hi Maggie, i'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I'm so proud of you for supporting your granddaughter, it must be so difficult to have been the spouse of the person who molested her. I really encourage you to seek therapy yourself. It's completely natural for you to be going through the phases of anger and denial that you're going through, and a therapist can help you make sense of it all so that you're not so hard on yourself and can heal more quickly, and in turn be there for your granddaughter, free of resentment. I wish all the best for you.

I also just wanted to respond to the original post. I deeply appreciate it because my biggest struggle has been doubting that my abuse was "bad enough" to warrant all my pain, but I just have one criticism. In the list you made of who deserves to be here, you clearly started with what's conventionally considered to be the "most severe" case of sexual violence and ended with what's conventionally considered the "least severe". I'm not sure if that was your intention, but it seems to undermine the point you're making by still creating a pecking order. If I had written this post, I would have intentionally mixed up the order to further make the point that we cannot compare pain. I don't mean to be nitpicky, it's just that as someone extremely sensitive to people minimizing what happened to me, your list took away from the truth of your beautiful message (which I do deeply appreciate).

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This is amazing, and what gave me courage to join this site. Thank you.

I am so confused about what happened to me and how I have twisted the events in my mind for the last 9 years since it happened. I have never told anyone and am so filled with shame. I want to learn to move beyond this, because stuffing it down isn't working anymore.

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Thank you so much for this thread.

I was assaulted at a friend's house and after, a lot of the people who knew him told me I could have stopped him, that it wasn't assault, that he thought I "wanted it", I could have stopped him if I tried harder, ect. Those people still hang out with him and I wonder if they actually believed me about what happened if they'd still talk to him. I was assaulted a few months ago but I'm ready to reach out now and try to heal.

The bottom line is that no one deserves to be touched if they do not want to be and it's horrible that our society doesn't see it like that.

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Thank you for this so much. I really needed to hear that! Intellectually I tell myself these things but its just so hard to "feel" that it's true yet, but I hope someday that gets better too. :yay:

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Hi

Thank you for all these posts and for creating this website. I admire how open and brave all these compassionate people are. I already feel better reading story after story. I only realized 2 days ago that I wasn't alone, and this reinforces that even more.

I'm totally new to this and am a little frightened but I know it's important. I remembered a year ago that I was sexually abused at least once by my camp counselor when I was about 6 or 7. I remember hazy things, like the look of the walls, and his figure, and so much loneliness and pain. I don't know where to begin with how to deal with it. I fought it for so long. My therapist said that I had cognitive dissonance, because I didn't understand the event and so created a whole belief system surrounding it, to compensate for the pain, leading myself to alienation and some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Mostly I just feel bewilderment and pain. I don't want to feel alone forever. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories; it means a lot to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people. And thank you for reading this post.

Louisa

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Thanks for posting this! Since I started talking about what happened to me 15 years ago, my mom's just been minimizing it, which has been very though for me. Fortunately my therapist understands me and takes me seriously.

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Hi everyone!

I'm copying Jes's original post here to use her wise words to underline the fact you are not alone and you do deserve to be here!

Posted 27 May 2006 - 04:58 PM This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted smile.gif

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it was your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend who raped you, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

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Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

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I am new to Pandy's and I am still a little apprehensive. But this post has really helped me. I just need to remember everyday that I deserve to heal. Thank you so much for posting this.

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We all deserve to heal from the abuse inflicted upon us. Stay strong! metoyou.gif

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Thank you for this post. It was one of the first I found when I stumbled upon your site and it made me rethink a little bit. I shouldn't feel ashamed that something that happened several years ago should still affect my life now. I have "gotten over it" to a point, but I obviously haven't because I haven't moved forward and had relationships.

I hate writing this out because it does make me feel...stupid, weak, insipid...but I know and understand that that is all part of it. We all have our hang-ups and there are specific forums for these things, so I will navigate to those. Just thought I would say thank you for this pinned post :)

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Hi MissE,

I'm glad you found us! You absolutely have nothing to be ashamed of! Healing takes as long as it takes. There's no way to fast forward - trust me, I would have been all over that! ;)

Be well,

Susan

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Haha, girl I hear you! It is a journey, and I am confident that it is making me a stronger person. I'm trying to use it as a strength, rather than a weakness, to help others that have experienced a similar situation. I have my down days, but I know it is still allowed to affect me because it is something that I have gone through, so long as I don't dwell on it and make myself sick over it!

Thanks again ;)

E

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Two nights ago a girlfriend of mind and I went over to our friends's house for drinks after the bar. I've know both these guys for a little over 8 years and considered them my friends. At the end of the night my friend that came with me went into one of the guy's rooms to sleep so I decided I'd sleep in the bed with my other guy friend. I've stayed with him a couple times before last night and he never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable and never even tried to make a move. I thought I was safe with him. At first, he just tried to kiss me, I kissed back at first, but then turned away. In the past he's dated a girl I used to be friends with and even though we aren't friends now I still didn't feel right doing anything sexual with him. I told him this. He continued to try. We have always had a joking, fun friendship so I just tried to make light of the situation, i thought he'd stop, but it got worse. After several times of trying to kiss me, he started to try and undress me. It was at the this point that I firmly said no and stop. He didn't. He instead grabbed me by my hair and throat and started choking me. While doing this he demanded that I take my clothes off. He was also touching me all over my body at this point. I tried to push him off, but he's a lot bigger than I am and I think I was in shock. At one point while choking me I actually couldn't breathe and it was at that moment I think my fight or flight kicked in and I was able to get out from underneath him. It was only for a second though and then he got me down again. I kept telling him no and to stop. He then tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. It was at this point that I started to cry and I think he realized what he was doing. He stopped. He stopped before actually raping me, but I still feel violated. I feel like it's my fault for going to bed with him, even though I know I shouldn't blame myself. I feel embarrassed. It was a stupid situation to put myself in. I'm not sure what to do now. I feel so violated and hurt. He keeps contacting my friend that was with me telling her to tell me he's sorry and that he wants to talk to me, but the thought of talking to him makes me sick. I'm very confused about how to feel about this, and I haven't told anyone the extent of what went on. Last night, I couldn't sleep so I started to look up information and came across this specific post. It reached out to me because I don't know if I belong here because he did stop. I kept telling myself that it wasn't a big deal, but I can't think about anything else, I feel disgusting, and violated. And I feel hurt because I trusted him. I have bruises and marks on my chest and throat and looking at them makes me sick, I just want it all to go away.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. It wasnt your fault. It wasn't your fault.

He physically and sexually assaulted you and I'm so sorry this happened. Even though he didn't actually manage to rape you, he still disregarded your 'no' and that has an effect on how you feel now.

You deserve to be here, although I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and hope you find some support here as you start to come to terms with what happened and decide what to do next. Please keep reaching out for help - some other forums such as 'my voice' have more 'traffic' on them, if you do not get many replies here and would like more.

On a practical level, can you take photographs of the bruising before it goes away? And would you feel comfortable calling a crisis line - there are different ones in different countries - to help you as you decide what to do?

Edited by Susanna

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Thank you for responding so quickly, Susanna. It sounds ridiculous, but I needed someone to confirm that it was physical and sexual assault. Just to hear someone else say it helps me. Thank you for the advice on the forums. There is so much on this site, I wasn't sure where to start. I just needed to get it all out. I will take pictures of the marks and bruises , I'm not sure what I want to do about this yet, but just incase I will keep that evidence. I'm not sure about the crisis line yet, but I will look into it. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I think it's wonderful what this site provides.

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Pandys is very special - it will be there no matter what, whatever you decide to do now or in the future.

It's sometimes very hard to believe that 'it was SA' - it's common to many, no matter the circumstances, to feel that 'it didn't count'.

:metoyou:

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Thank you for this post. It was difficult for me to accept my PTSD diagnosis. I thought it was for'real victims' not someone like me.

I can't tell you what this post means to me - to know that someone else thought PTSD was only for 'real victims'. I have argued and got upset with my T since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel such a fraud but this makes me feel better. I still think more people deserve the diagnosis than I do but - thanks - from the bottom of my heart thumbup.gif

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Thank you for this. This makes me feel a little bit better :)

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I've been reading all the posts on this thread up to page nine and had to stop here.

My stomach hurts and I'm all tense..

and I've been raped in my life more times to count.

and I think it started with my father. And I've never said anything to anyone. ever. maybe it didn't happen and I'm making it all up in my head, that part.

And maybe my exhusband didn't really tie me to the bed and have other men come in and rape me.

only one of my rapists in my life has ever faced any kind of justice. I was hitchhiking with friends and drinking and they got dropped off first then he drove to the hills and raped me. I went home and told my mom and the police were called. I was "lucky". After a preliminary trial, during which I got hysterical after my testimony I guess they thought I wouldn't be a good witness and pleaded him out from kidnapping, rape, assault, and sodomy, to statutory rape. He did 2/12 yrs of a five year sentence.

I might have been raped over a hundred times.

I have also prostituted myself, and that began after my exhusband pimped me out, but even after I left him, when I was smoking crack, would go out and have sex with men for drugs or money.

I have wanted to die more times than I can count, but never had the guts to actually try to kill myself. On the tv show Family Guy, I remember once Peter Griffin making a joke to the effect that it's okay to kill hookers or strippers because they are already dead inside. I wish I had felt dead inside..then I wouldn't have felt the pain I felt and still feel to this day.

I'm nothing but a crack whore slut, but I haven't used in over five years. And haven't been raped in about as long too...near to the last time I smoked, I was sodomized again.

Today I am trying like hell to learn to like myself. But I couldn't even finish reading this thread all the way through, my face is all flushed, my pulse is racing, my heart is pounding, and I just got done screaming at my poor dog because he wanted to go outside and I was having a panic attack and when he wouldn't go right away, I practically dragged him back inside, and then screamed at him when I got back inside, and now he is laying down behind the easy chair and I feet like refried shit on a shingle.

Edited by jessme

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I needed this. For such a long time I've struggled with believing whether I "qualified" to heal or not because I didn't think my experience was as bad as others'. Now I know I was minimizing my hurt. I am new here, i joined a few days ago and this is the first message board I join. I have only told 2 people, my longtime best friend and boyfriend. My now boyfriend was the first to find out. We weren't dating at the time, since I had just recently broken up with my ex-fiancé (the perpetrator) weeks after the rape (I still have trouble calling it that.) That was a year and 5 months ago. My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive throughout. I still have flashbacks and vivid nightmares. I haven't told anyone (not even my boyfriend) everything that I went through in my previous relationship. I know there are things I pushed back into the back of my mind and part of me is terrified to tell anyone while the other part of me is desperate to tell. Does anyone else ever feel this way? It's overwhelming sometimes. :( I've also considered seeing a counselor but something is holding me back. I don't know what it is.....other than that I've gotten a lot better with time; I've been slowly refocusing on my classes and staying away from unhealthy coping mechanisms (I have a long history of self-harm). Thanks everyone, your posts are very helpful. Now I don't feel so alone. :)

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