Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

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After reading this I knew that I should join this site. I struggle with blame and feeling that everything was my fault because I made a choice to drink excessively. I also compare my event to those that are extremely violent and terrifying and much worse than what I feel I experienced. There are times when I told myself I didn't deserve to heal because I was to blame and what I deserved was to be punished. I am married now and I also struggle with feeling as bad as someone who committed an infidelity because we were together. I cried when I read this, reading things that connected to my situation so much made me feel like there was a weight being lifted off my shoulder. It feels amazing to know that there are many people out there who understand my feelings. I wish that no one would ever have to go through this kind of hurt. I do believe that everyone deserves to heal, and I am finally realizing that I deserve that to.

Brianna

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@ Brianna

Way to go! You can do it! You are absolutely right... You deserve to heal! It wasn't your fault. You may need to hear that a hundred times before you go from knowing it to feeling it.

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This is my first post, and I really feel like crying. My rapes occurred 44 years ago. I was attacked by 3 men & raped by 2 of them. I was only 14 years old. I never told my parents..........it happened in 1966....my parents were old-fashioned, and I thought I was protecting them from the embarrassment & horror. And you are right......no one really understands, and I feel that people think I should "just get over it." How do you ever do that?

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Thank you for the post "Who Deserves to Be Here?" It was just what I needed to encourage me to join.

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This is my first post, and I'm not going to lie, I'm extremelly nervous about this. It happened just over three years ago. I'm seventeen. I've only spoken about it all to one person. I figured It was about time I began to search for another support system. To try and find another way to work through everything I'm still feeling. "Who Deserves to be Here?" makes me feel a lot better about this first attempt to face this finally. So thank you for helping me know that I found a safe place.

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dear jes

your story touched my heart,I thought I was the only one out there feeling like others have gone threw much worse than I,so why am I crying everyday,why am I not back at work yet,why has life closed in on me.No-one really sees the pain or understands why you can not just shake it off and get over it. I feel like putting a bandage around my head, so people could understand and see that Iam still hurting and not healed

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10/06/2010

Hello to you all~

I just caught myself doing something that I have done all of my life. Avoidance. Avoiding whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable rather that allowing myself to internalize and process. I am guessing this is why I am so far behind in the way of "healing", in despite all my years of "recovery". My childhood was a living nightmare in all ways a horrible childhood could be, (and I am not exaggerating). I have heard many people laugh and comment, "nobody had a great childhood."

I read the poem above and so quickly distracted myself by reading the first reply, then by writing here that I am not sure that I will remember how it made me feel. I will try to. I also would like to add that I caught myself "avoiding" and stopped myself after reading only one reply. That is progress for the Queen of Avoidance!

This is what I remember feeling; validated, teary eyed, lump in throat, boulder in gut, sense of happiness, sadness, fear, amazed(that I know I didn't write this but felt like it), weak, thrilled, pensive, *sigh*, wow!, Such a wide range of emotions and thoughts that I have a right to "feel". Proof that I can "feel" through this cast-iron suit that spent 45 years to build.

For the first time ever in all my years I feel as though I am in the right place. Following thought is: "I hope I won't be let down~(more fear!). (Man, my thoughts are all followed with negativity that I hope to change!).

Thank you all for finally being a part of my life. You are needed and important to me. ~Stacia

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Hi, I am new here, (as of yesterday). I just read this wonderful posting and then replied pouring my heart out openly and honestly. It was difficult for me to expose my vulnerability and then BOOM! I got kicked off the internet and lost all that I had to say.

In brief, I finally feel after all these years that I am in the right place. Despite all the "recovery work", battles, money, nightmares, anger, and there were a lot of good times too... etc, I still need help. I have heard many people comment that "Nobody had the perfect childhood". I had the most horrific upbringing in every living nightmare imaginable and I am not exaggerating.

This poem really moved me> I had a wide range of emotions but as "The Queen of Avoidance" inside of this cast iron suit that took 45 years to build, I am not in touch with how I feel at the moment. I do remember being wowed, sad, scared, validated, happy, comforted, weak, vulnerable, fearful as I read it.

Thank you for being a part of my life finally. I appreciate you all and I feel safe. Amazing!! ~Stacia

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HA! Check it out. My first response did post after all! It must have been meant to be! I was just sick when I saw it vanish and tried to re-feel all that I felt so easily the first time around. Haha, I love it. Looking forward to meeting you all!

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Good luck, Zammus. *Hugs if okay*

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I don't know how to start this. I covered up and didn't tell anyone what happened to me for 9 years and then something similar happened again a month ago. I finally broke my silence. I suppose I realized that I did deserve to heal. Everything from 9 years ago seems so fresh, a wound reopened. I guess you can never have too much help in getting better and hopefully I can get even more support here. I'm done covering this up and being ashamed, I'm ready to heal.

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I need to ask this. I've thought it over what seems to be a million times. Should I be here? I agreed to the encounter. I thought it would be like the previous times. It wasn't. He got rougher and continued until I was physically injured, even though I told him to stop, he was hurting me. I told him numerous times, and he didn't. The physical injuries required medical care, almost to the point of hospitalization. But, I agreed to the encounter. I remember telling him over and over to stop. His eyes were kind of glazed over and looked angry. There was a half hearted, sorry afterwards, one that he couldn't look me in the face. He blamed my injuries on several things, other than what he did. Should I be here?

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I need this thread. I'm still unsure whether I have any right to put myself in the group of sexual abuse survivor. What did I survive? A pushy high school guy with a way with words. A guy I obviously had a crush on. I wanted it to happen the first time. I let him continue to do it, never once told him to stop, even though I could have. I let it continue for years, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. He never physically hurt me, never showed any signs that he would. I agreed to be the 'other woman' by never saying I didn't agree. I remember knowing he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't give him that. I shouldn't have been so insecure that I relied on him so much. I could have just said no, let him go, and never done it again. He still tells me I was an equal partner in those years, that it was as much me as it was him. How does that give me a right to be here?

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I need this thread. I'm still unsure whether I have any right to put myself in the group of sexual abuse survivor. What did I survive? A pushy high school guy with a way with words. A guy I obviously had a crush on. I wanted it to happen the first time. I let him continue to do it, never once told him to stop, even though I could have. I let it continue for years, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. He never physically hurt me, never showed any signs that he would. I agreed to be the 'other woman' by never saying I didn't agree. I remember knowing he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't give him that. I shouldn't have been so insecure that I relied on him so much. I could have just said no, let him go, and never done it again. He still tells me I was an equal partner in those years, that it was as much me as it was him. How does that give me a right to be here?

Not sure, but it sounds like there is more to your story. Emotional abuse is sometimes hard to pick up on, especially if you have been abused before. You say he still tells you that you were an equal partner, so you are still in contact with him? The way he makes the statement sounds like he is avoiding his part in it, or at least focusing more on your part in it to justify what he did. Abusers do what ever they can to take the attention away from their behavior. It's how they keep the abuse going. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you should be here.

Edited by msbella

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I was sitting in my livingroom early this morning after reading a morning meditation regarding shame! In the quietness, I asked my loving God to help me heal this brokenness of shame which clings to my bones. Seven hours later I decide to dive into the internet world searching rape/shame articles. The book, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back discusses the difference between guilt and shame..The following words sunk into my heart like someone stabbed me..."The feeling of shame is so intense for rape victims that many never tell anyone what happened to them. Shame silences because it encloses the entire self." My shame has controlled my life entirely in all areas of my life. The struggles with intimacy have consumed my thoughts, extreme protection, never feeling safe, never feeling loveable, and always feeling dirty. I have no clue how I got to the website Pandora Aquarium. I want to believe it was a Divine Act! This is a huge step for me to even acknowledge to a publc forum I am a survivor of rape...feeling a little anxiety with extreme caution not to disclose anymore information. My protection value within my soul flashes red alert signals stop disclosing. I want to believe this is the first baby step toward liberation, I think?

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msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

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msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

I appreciate your kind words. I have quite a few friends, but often feel like the odd person out, regardless. My rapist/abuser is no longer in my life, hasn't been for a long time, but the psychological abuse still goes on from time to time, yet I question my right to be here. I'm tired of being followed. After 2-1/2 years it gets really tiring. Thanks so much for your kindness.

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Thank you Jes, for saying what I've been feeling-

Anytime I've mentioned being raped by my father to anyone, I get a response as if I said I had broken my arm or something similarly insignificant. For the amount of pain and horror that i went through, and am still going through, i hear things like: well that was a long time ago, or you need to move forward and focus on what you are doing now. To my recent therapist, I told her I would have rather been through the holocaust than grown up in my family, and her only response is to tell me that there are plenty of people who have been through just as bad or worse, which is (doubtful for one), and not to mention I need this pain to be acknowledged and dealt with, not minimized. It was as if the the sky turned black and the ground opened up to the fiery pits of hell and this evil monster is there and has total control over me. Its not even human. Its the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine, and it took me thirty years to even acknowledge it as real. And i desperately need someone to understand. I need a therapist who specializes in this kind of stuff, not someone who says that there are plenty of people who have had it just as bad or worse. That's not a helpful comment at all. I have no idea why people have this compelling urge to minimize this kind of thing, as if it can be healed by being ignored, but I ignored it for decades. I built walls around it so I would never know the truth, I numbed the pain with heroin for years. And I so desperately need some real help from someone who knows the truth of how painful this stuff really is. But I cant seem to find that person anywhere, and I dont want to burden friends with my problems. Most of them cant relate anyway. I feel so completely alone in this incredibly painful dungeon of emptiness. I really need a good therapist, and I dont have one. I really want to get over this but I cant do it all on my own. If anyone knows a good therapist near albany new york, please let me know.

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msbella, yes, you belong here. It is as clear as day to me. You were hurt very badly. For me there were no physical signs that I was hurt, nor any physical threat, and I was still traumatized. I belong here, and you do too. I am sorry for what was done to you.

I can tell by your name "Untangling It All" that you have been in the same hell I was. Just because there were no physical signs, that doesn't make it any less painful. I've always said, it was easier for me to take the punches than the mind games that were played during the molestation. I am sorry for what you have went through. Don't minimize what happened to you. Just because there are no bruises doesn't mean your weren't hurt to the core of your soul. I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced.

I appreciate your kind words. I have quite a few friends, but often feel like the odd person out, regardless. My rapist/abuser is no longer in my life, hasn't been for a long time, but the psychological abuse still goes on from time to time, yet I question my right to be here. I'm tired of being followed. After 2-1/2 years it gets really tiring. Thanks so much for your kindness.

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msbella thank you. Emotional pain can be just as bad as physical pain. You are right, I was hurt to the very core of my soul, as all of us here have been. You don't have to question your right to be here, but that too is part of the healing process, these doubts and questioning. When I first joined here I for the longest time didn't believe I should be here, I felt like a fraud and an intruder. But over time I have come to understand that I am neither of those. You will too. Stay strong, you are not alone.

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Thank you for posting this it is nice to be reminded sometimes

Lucy

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I was molested when I was a child, I am now 42. My abuser was my brother who died in January. I always knew what happened but never dealt with it.....not when it happened, not in my teens, 20's or 30's. Two months before he died (it was an unexpected death) I had began to see a counselor......marital issues brought me there but I knew what was at the core. I went to her twice, then he died. I've been in such a tailspin of depression, rage & a whole spectrum of intense emotions. Though my family had always known it was never discussed & I've been assaulted with "you need to forgive" "its in the past you need to move on" "he woulldnt have hurt you unless he had been hurt himself" etc etc. Each comment was like a brick wall falling on me.

I began googling the topic & found Pandoras, I feel like I found "my" people.

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