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Who Deserves to Be Here?


Jes

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((((((((((((shannon))))))))))))))

you have no idea how much i needed to read that today. while your words weren't directed at me, they apply to everyone. everyone blames themselves at some point, everyone feels they should have/ could have prevented.

but what your wrote is so true, the only person responsible is the rapist... isn't it weird how i can believe it coming from you, but not from myself?

I have never posted on here until today..so bear with me I am replying to this because i felt a kinship with the whole , " what did i do to deserve this?" It seems that even therapists won't call it rape.. that concerns me too, ;I have been through a lot and got the gunption to press charges only afte the whole restraining order that i havd hoped would help fell through , when we returned to court and it was supposed to go to permanent.I have now gone and it is under investigation, for sexual assault. I hope thtait goes to criminal as there is a warrant , and it is listed under felnny so.. I hope that the prosecuting attorney will uphold a protection order .I think the worst hurt is thE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF SELF DOUBT ..wHAT COULD i HAVE DONE TO STOP THIS ? I know I did not fight at first because i was completely asleep.I have rheumatoid arthritis and so i am fatigued and weaker to begin with from it .The person who attacked me and sexually assaulted me and hurt me (torn or strained right rotator cuff) knew about the RA which makes it , looking back even meaner on his part . It was an ex boyfriend ..but it was nt consenting sex or romantic , or a mistake ..he did it on purpose .. That is what's hard to figure..why could n't I seethat??frustrating would not be the word for it tornangel

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This makes me feel better about speaking out and talking about my rape. I have a hard time talking about it with people mostly because I feel like they will blame me. Like I shouldn't have been there, or I should have been more aware, or I should have fought back. Maybe they are right but no one asks for this. I deserve to heal. Rape is rape no matter how, where, or when it happens. Thank you so much.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've only known for a little while that I do deserve to heal and I will try to continue by honoring the process, as you say. Thank you so much for this post.

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Thankyou. It was.. reassuring :). And I really needed to read that.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you. My feelings were blown off by the first person I told (my boyfriend at the time). He also happened to be a friend of the person who raped me. I guess he chose him over me. Reading this reassures me that my ex boyfriend was wrong, and it makes me feel better about our recent break up. I don't need someone who doesn't understand me and will continue to hang out with the person who raped me and pretend like it's nothing. I have better people in my life that validate my feelings just as this post has, so thank you again.

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dixiediamond

Thank you; I know when I talked about the most recent abuse I went through with my girlfriend, she didn't see it as a rape...because she knew the person who did it and we were drunk...and so I just sorta felt it was my fault and that I'm just over playing it.

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I want to say that it meant a lot to read this.

I tend to downplay what happened to me a lot because it seems like nothing in comparison to what a lot of others have been through. I wasn't raped, it wasn't violent. I didn't say no - he coerced me, took advantage of my naivety. He barely touched me, I barely remember it, and for a long time, I think I barely cared. I would read web-pages about child sexual abuse, and they all seemed to talk about "without consent" and "negative emotional impact", and I could only think that what happened to me must not have been sexual assault, because I did consent. I was a child and I didn't understand, but I still consented. Everywhere talked about adults, but he wasn't an adult, he was a teenager, under sixteen. What if we were just kids fooling around? And I don't remember being upset with what he did when it happened, or even for a long time after, so maybe I wanted it. If it was sexual assault, I would have been upset.

Then I think once I accepted it was sexual assault, it got even harder. I try not to think this way, but I always compare what I went through to what others have gone through, because what happened to me is nothing in comparison, nothing at all. Every single time I think about it I wonder why it has the power to make me cry, why I just can't move on, why I'm so upset over something so small.

So thank you for this thread. It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted :)

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

Thank you so much for that post.

I've been forcing myself to stuff what little i remember away for so long, i only have images and feelings left. I havent been able to or am not willing to work through them, nor can i get rid of them. i dont live either. I exist for others but barely have the energy to do so anymore, so there are very few in my life. Thats ok... since i dont have me. Maybe one day ill have the strength to say what i do remember and acknowledge that it did happen. Thanks to all for sharing your stories. You share your strength, compassion, empathy and a myriad of other gifts by doing so.

im very greatful.

Graymalkin

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for the posting of this. It seems small, but it is felt oh so big. We need to be constantly reminded that it wasn't our fault, it DID matter, and we all deserve to be healed. May these words you've shared continue to be heard over and over by those who need them.

Karen

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After reading this I knew that I should join this site. I struggle with blame and feeling that everything was my fault because I made a choice to drink excessively. I also compare my event to those that are extremely violent and terrifying and much worse than what I feel I experienced. There are times when I told myself I didn't deserve to heal because I was to blame and what I deserved was to be punished. I am married now and I also struggle with feeling as bad as someone who committed an infidelity because we were together. I cried when I read this, reading things that connected to my situation so much made me feel like there was a weight being lifted off my shoulder. It feels amazing to know that there are many people out there who understand my feelings. I wish that no one would ever have to go through this kind of hurt. I do believe that everyone deserves to heal, and I am finally realizing that I deserve that to.

Brianna

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@ Brianna

Way to go! You can do it! You are absolutely right... You deserve to heal! It wasn't your fault. You may need to hear that a hundred times before you go from knowing it to feeling it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is my first post, and I really feel like crying. My rapes occurred 44 years ago. I was attacked by 3 men & raped by 2 of them. I was only 14 years old. I never told my parents..........it happened in 1966....my parents were old-fashioned, and I thought I was protecting them from the embarrassment & horror. And you are right......no one really understands, and I feel that people think I should "just get over it." How do you ever do that?

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is my first post, and I'm not going to lie, I'm extremelly nervous about this. It happened just over three years ago. I'm seventeen. I've only spoken about it all to one person. I figured It was about time I began to search for another support system. To try and find another way to work through everything I'm still feeling. "Who Deserves to be Here?" makes me feel a lot better about this first attempt to face this finally. So thank you for helping me know that I found a safe place.

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dear jes

your story touched my heart,I thought I was the only one out there feeling like others have gone threw much worse than I,so why am I crying everyday,why am I not back at work yet,why has life closed in on me.No-one really sees the pain or understands why you can not just shake it off and get over it. I feel like putting a bandage around my head, so people could understand and see that Iam still hurting and not healed

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest zammus

10/06/2010

Hello to you all~

I just caught myself doing something that I have done all of my life. Avoidance. Avoiding whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable rather that allowing myself to internalize and process. I am guessing this is why I am so far behind in the way of "healing", in despite all my years of "recovery". My childhood was a living nightmare in all ways a horrible childhood could be, (and I am not exaggerating). I have heard many people laugh and comment, "nobody had a great childhood."

I read the poem above and so quickly distracted myself by reading the first reply, then by writing here that I am not sure that I will remember how it made me feel. I will try to. I also would like to add that I caught myself "avoiding" and stopped myself after reading only one reply. That is progress for the Queen of Avoidance!

This is what I remember feeling; validated, teary eyed, lump in throat, boulder in gut, sense of happiness, sadness, fear, amazed(that I know I didn't write this but felt like it), weak, thrilled, pensive, *sigh*, wow!, Such a wide range of emotions and thoughts that I have a right to "feel". Proof that I can "feel" through this cast-iron suit that spent 45 years to build.

For the first time ever in all my years I feel as though I am in the right place. Following thought is: "I hope I won't be let down~(more fear!). (Man, my thoughts are all followed with negativity that I hope to change!).

Thank you all for finally being a part of my life. You are needed and important to me. ~Stacia

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Guest zammus

Hi, I am new here, (as of yesterday). I just read this wonderful posting and then replied pouring my heart out openly and honestly. It was difficult for me to expose my vulnerability and then BOOM! I got kicked off the internet and lost all that I had to say.

In brief, I finally feel after all these years that I am in the right place. Despite all the "recovery work", battles, money, nightmares, anger, and there were a lot of good times too... etc, I still need help. I have heard many people comment that "Nobody had the perfect childhood". I had the most horrific upbringing in every living nightmare imaginable and I am not exaggerating.

This poem really moved me> I had a wide range of emotions but as "The Queen of Avoidance" inside of this cast iron suit that took 45 years to build, I am not in touch with how I feel at the moment. I do remember being wowed, sad, scared, validated, happy, comforted, weak, vulnerable, fearful as I read it.

Thank you for being a part of my life finally. I appreciate you all and I feel safe. Amazing!! ~Stacia

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Guest zammus

HA! Check it out. My first response did post after all! It must have been meant to be! I was just sick when I saw it vanish and tried to re-feel all that I felt so easily the first time around. Haha, I love it. Looking forward to meeting you all!

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know how to start this. I covered up and didn't tell anyone what happened to me for 9 years and then something similar happened again a month ago. I finally broke my silence. I suppose I realized that I did deserve to heal. Everything from 9 years ago seems so fresh, a wound reopened. I guess you can never have too much help in getting better and hopefully I can get even more support here. I'm done covering this up and being ashamed, I'm ready to heal.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I need to ask this. I've thought it over what seems to be a million times. Should I be here? I agreed to the encounter. I thought it would be like the previous times. It wasn't. He got rougher and continued until I was physically injured, even though I told him to stop, he was hurting me. I told him numerous times, and he didn't. The physical injuries required medical care, almost to the point of hospitalization. But, I agreed to the encounter. I remember telling him over and over to stop. His eyes were kind of glazed over and looked angry. There was a half hearted, sorry afterwards, one that he couldn't look me in the face. He blamed my injuries on several things, other than what he did. Should I be here?

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  • 2 months later...

I need this thread. I'm still unsure whether I have any right to put myself in the group of sexual abuse survivor. What did I survive? A pushy high school guy with a way with words. A guy I obviously had a crush on. I wanted it to happen the first time. I let him continue to do it, never once told him to stop, even though I could have. I let it continue for years, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. He never physically hurt me, never showed any signs that he would. I agreed to be the 'other woman' by never saying I didn't agree. I remember knowing he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I didn't give him that. I shouldn't have been so insecure that I relied on him so much. I could have just said no, let him go, and never done it again. He still tells me I was an equal partner in those years, that it was as much me as it was him. How does that give me a right to be here?

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