Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

238 posts in this topic

Thank you for this post. My experience happened in December 2008, and it's only in the last few weeks that I've admitted that it was rape, that I am a victim. I feel like the last year of my life didn't happen... I was such a mess. But I still have a hard time taking it seriously and allowing myself room to heal. I walked right into the situation. I saw it coming, but I didn't stop it.

I'm rambling... this is my first post. I agree whole-heartedly with what so many others have said. This post made me feel welcome, and like I am allowed to be here. Thank you.

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[quote name='Kira45' date='25 January 2010 - 10:48 PM' timestamp='1264481295' post='1121955']
Thank you for this post. My experience happened in December 2008, and it's only in the last few weeks that I've admitted that it was rape, that I am a victim. I feel like the last year of my life didn't happen... I was such a mess. But I still have a hard time taking it seriously and allowing myself room to heal. I walked right into the situation. I saw it coming, but I didn't stop it.

I'm rambling... this is my first post. I agree whole-heartedly with what so many others have said. This post made me feel welcome, and like I am allowed to be here. Thank you.
[/quote]

I am currently in the legal process due to an incident that happened on 29th December. I was out drinking with friends - a female friend 's' and her gay male friend 'd'. we had been drinking quite heavily. they were sharing a house together. i went back with them. s went to bed i stayed up talking with d. at 5am ish i asked to be shown a room as i needed to sleep. d showed me. the last thing i remember is falling into bed fully clothed. the next thing i remember d is in the room, he had removed my trousers and knickers and was giving me oral sex. he is gay. he aroused me in my sleep. it was like a dream, i wasn't fully conscious of what was happening and didn't fight or say no. i let him carry on even though if i had not been so intoxicated i would never have let this happen. he totally abused my trust.

i woke up in the morning and left. i found out two days later he is hiv +. he was arrested and put in remand on a charge of grievous bodily harm with intent. it went to the cps but they discontinued due to lack of evidence despite the fact he admitted having sex with me knowing he is hiv+. i am currently on anti-hiv drugs and waiting to see if he has passed on his death sentence to me.

they originally said they would not bring a charge of rape because he is saying it was consensual. at what point was it consensual? i have spoken to the police since. they are now deciding to go ahead with a rape charge.

the thing that is hurting me at the moment is someone who i considered to be a closest friend believes it wasn't rape and that it is just a bit weird that this man did what he did.

i am here because i crave support and understanding. due to my friend's lack of compassion and understanding i find i am doubting myself.

it doesn't go to court until i find out with i am hiv+ or hiv-. i never expected or bargained for this to happen in a million years. i thought i was just going to a friend's for a few drinks. my new year has not been a happy one. i don't want to tell my family as it will worry them no end. i live alone and have to endure an endless preoccupation with what happened and will may happen.

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I don't know if I belong on this message board because I don't know what happened to me. I am a college sophomore and three days ago I went out with my friends. We were all drinking and I admit I did get rather intoxicated. I remember dancing with a boy at a frat and he offered to walk me home. However, he took me to his dorm. I was so confused as to why we were in a different dorm. He led me into his bedroom and turned the music on very loudly. His roommates were in his common room and my head was spinning. He got on top of me and I felt my body go limp with alcohol-induced fatigue. I remember saying "no" to him when he took my pants off. He told me it was OK but he didn't stop. My memory of the evening is so hazy but the next thing I remember was him having sex with me. He finished and I put my pants back on and ran back to my own dorm, crying. I don't know if this is rape or not because I don't remember everything I said and I don't remember everything he said. It is 100% my fault for getting so intoxicated and every time I think about it my heart races and I feel like I can't breathe. I'm too afraid to tell anyone because I know they will say I should not have drank so much and that I was just a dumb girl making a stupid decision.

I felt guilty even registering for this site because you are all strong amazing people who did experience horrific acts of sexual violence. I, however, got myself too drunk and allowed myself to be vulnerable and out of control.

Am I a survivor or am I just a girl who got drunk at a frat? I blame myself for drinking but I'm finding it hard to believe I would eventually give this boy permission to have sex with me. I don't even know his last name. I can't sleep and I feel so alone with a secret that is killing me. I feel like a dirty slut and a drunk idiot.

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i just want to take a knife and stab it right through my heart, my experiance happened on friday just gone.

my step father was tickling me on my bed then undid my bra without me realising and place his hand up my bra i know it dosent seem as bad as everyone elses i just dont know what to do. i rung the police but i am now dropping the charges because everybody hates me everyone thinks im lying. i have lost my whole second family who i was close to because they are obviously going to chose their father over me. im not even sure my mother belives me and i feel so alone right now i really dont know what to do. im only 15 im just asking for guideance from someone who has beenn through the same experiance it will be greatly appricated x

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i really appreciate that we all deserve to heal. because most times it's easier to keep hurting
and blaming oneself, and flooding with anger to lash out at others... at others because they ignore
or deny, or say you are lying when you tell someone for the first time, or when friends brush it off
as if some random update on your life they were willing to listen to for a few secs...

i always feel crazy
and irritable
and nothing is ever right or comfortable enough
i hate having sex most of the time even though my husband is an angelic dream
i'm exhausted
no one understands
or people thing i just want attention
and don't forgive me for being a wild teenager
because i didn't know it happened back then...

when i turned 25, i remembered all kinds of strange secretive molestations
and violent tortures that happened when i was 3,4,5,6,7, and 9. by an uncle.
and my whole family kept it a secret, and still act like nothing happened.
i hate that.

but i want to heal.

and gardening and pets really help that.

To Everyone on here, i completely understand your stories, where you're coming from,
the pain, confusion, anger, etc, and i thank you all, for i feel understood and
accepted for the first time.

thank you

susan blue

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[size="3"][font="Georgia"]I don't quite know where to start with my story. I guess it started when I was around seven. With my cousins from my mom and dad's side of the family. I was molested by my older cousin who is three years older than me. He would first do little things like show me his private area or touch my butt. I usually just ignored the stuff like that. He started to get more physical with me. He would trap me in corners and rub on my private area, or would kiss my neck and would encourage me to play "house" with him. Since I was little I loved to play house. But he was always the daddy, and I was always the mommy. It got to the point where I started being afraid to be left alone with him. Then it was my very older cousin. I always want to believe that everything he has done to me that I remember is just part of my imagination. Since it happened so long ago. He would actually pull my pants down along with his and rub his private area on mine. I don't think that's qualified as rape, so I've never been raped. But I have been molested, and it still goes on. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. The last time I was molested was two weeks ago. I spent the night over my cousin's house and as I was sleeping her brother would lay on top of me and feel me up and down. I pretended to stay asleep, but what if something like this happens again? I don't think I can take anymore. I thought this would pass and I would continue just living my life, but everything haunts me. Only two people that I personally know actually know my story. I tried to tell my cousin, but she didn't believe a word I was saying. I told her when I was about 10 or 11. I couldn't dare tell my parents. I cry in private all the time. I'm having family issues because my dad's idea of going somewhere to hang out is going over his friend's house while he smokes and gets drunk and I'm just there. So please tell me, is what I'm feeling weird in my situation? I'm so confused on what I need to do. Sorry I am bothering you with my problems, but this has been bothering me and I've been searching everywhere to find someone to listen.

This is my first post on here. Thanks SO SO SO much for listening. I deeply appreciate it.

With Love,[/font][/size]
[font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"]Marii P[/size][/font]

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Sometimes I feel like my rape wasn't real "rape". I was 16, I'm about to be 17 now, ina bout a week. It happened 2 days before Thanksgiving, so thats about a little over 2 months since it happened. He was 18, and I'd been dating him for only 3 weeks when it happened. I didn't press charges because I felt that I wouldn't be believed, everyone thinks hes such a great guy. Plus, his friends and my friends had seen us together and we seemed happy, like there was nothing wrong with our relationship. Looking back, I realize that it was abusive from the beginning, before the rape. He was controllying. Always pressuring me. Sometimes I hate mysel ffor not seeing the signs. I didn't tell anyone what had happened until a week after it, if I could do it over, I would have pressed charges. I would have went to the hospital that very night. But I was scared and didn't know exactly what had happened. I wasn't beaten, there wasn't a eapon, so I thought "how could it have been rape?". I ralize now that it was. I still can't say it outloud. I can type it and I can think it but I can't say "I was raped." outloud. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to say those words. I'm new to this site btw, this is only my second post.

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Thank you soo much for putting that up Jes, I really needed to read that today :down:

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Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel more acceptable here.

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This is an awesome post. It's reassuring - especially to someone new who may be lurking around, wondering if they really belong here or not, trying to get up the nerve to post something, anything, somewhere.

Thank you.

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Helpful words!

It was a weird day. I had a dream last night that I saw the guy (steven) who took advantage of me (hard to say "raped"...) and I talked to him, although the whole time I didn't want to talk to him. I was attracted to him in the dream and we made plans to hang out, even though I didn't actually want to. I woke up feeling weird, and glad that I was next to my partner, not steven. I didn't say anything to my boyfriend until I was on my way to work, when it started to really bother me. I called him and we talked a little. When I got off the phone, the program on the radio was focusing on sexual assault issues, and there were a lot of stories that sparked painful & productive thoughts.

I try to just not think about that night that happened 4 months ago, but I think about it usually once a day or so. I was new in town and at a bar. I ended up getting really wasted, and a few guys were following me around. I liked the attention, and I went to an after party with some of my new friends, but I didn't pay attention (I couldn't) how to get home. I vaguely remember making out with this guy while other people were there. My memory lapses for a bit, then I remember everyone being gone. I remember him taking my clothes off. I remember having fun making out, and I remember telling him not to have sex with me. He stuck his dick in and I pushed him off. He did it again a bit later, and said "is that wrong?" then did it at least another time. I blacked out until morning, when I woke up to him touching me and telling me I'm beautiful. I didn't really fight it that time. He took me home a little later (I had no idea where I was). I had an incredible hangover. I laughed it off for a while.

I talk to my boyfriend about it, but honestly he doesn't have the answers for me. How could he? This is my job to figure this out. I don't know what to do with those memories. I don't want to feel victimized, that's a gross feeling (I'm sure most everyone on this forum knows what I mean). I don't know if talking about it really helps. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I don't want to make her sad, and furthermore I kind of doubt that she would do much else than ask me why I got drunk and tell me that having sex is a sin if you are not married to the person you're doing it with.

Does anyone have any advice on how to file this away in my brain? How do you deal with your memories?

Thanks,
Lindsey

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I really needed to read this today. Thanks so much. I'm learning I have downplayed my story/history tremendously. So hearing that I deserve to heal and be able to move on was gratifying. :)

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I am still not sure if I belong here or not. You see I was not raped while walking through the park or at a party, I am not even sure what I have been through counts as rape. I have been married for almost seven years now, and over the years there are several times when I have been woken up out of a dead sleep and forced to give my husband what he wants if I didn't he pulled my hair pushed me into him and held me down. Right now I am planning on leaving him. I am tired of the I am sorry it wont happen again, I was half asleep and did not know what I was doing... But it has also happened randomly during the day he has rarely left bruises but it still hurt and I love him he is the father of my children but I can't stand for him to touch me anymore. Anyways idk if I was supposed to reveal this much right off but I need help, I need to know I am making the right decision by not giving him yet another chance.There is a lot more to this story but I think I may have said to much already. Thanks again for letting me join.
Kirsten

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[quote name='Lara' date='16 March 2007 - 04:02 PM' timestamp='1174078971' post='434730']
((((((((((((shannon))))))))))))))
you have no idea how much i needed to read that today. while your words weren't directed at me, they apply to everyone. everyone blames themselves at some point, everyone feels they should have/ could have prevented.
but what your wrote is so true, the only person responsible is the rapist... isn't it weird how i can believe it coming from you, but not from myself?
[/quote]
I have never posted on here until today..so bear with me I am replying to this because i felt a kinship with the whole , " what did i do to deserve this?" It seems that even therapists won't call it rape.. that concerns me too, ;I have been through a lot and got the gunption to press charges only afte the whole restraining order that i havd hoped would help fell through , when we returned to court and it was supposed to go to permanent.I have now gone and it is under investigation, for sexual assault. I hope thtait goes to criminal as there is a warrant , and it is listed under felnny so.. I hope that the prosecuting attorney will uphold a protection order .I think the worst hurt is thE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF SELF DOUBT ..wHAT COULD i HAVE DONE TO STOP THIS ? I know I did not fight at first because i was completely asleep.I have rheumatoid arthritis and so i am fatigued and weaker to begin with from it .The person who attacked me and sexually assaulted me and hurt me (torn or strained right rotator cuff) knew about the RA which makes it , looking back even meaner on his part . It was an ex boyfriend ..but it was nt consenting sex or romantic , or a mistake ..he did it on purpose .. That is what's hard to figure..why could n't I seethat??frustrating would not be the word for it tornangel

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[font="Verdana"]This makes me feel better about speaking out and talking about my rape. I have a hard time talking about it with people mostly because I feel like they will blame me. Like I shouldn't have been there, or I should have been more aware, or I should have fought back. Maybe they are right but no one asks for this. I deserve to heal. Rape is rape no matter how, where, or when it happens. Thank you so much.[/font]

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I've only known for a little while that I do deserve to heal and I will try to continue by honoring the process, as you say. Thank you so much for this post.

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Thankyou. It was.. reassuring :). And I really needed to read that.

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Thank you. My feelings were blown off by the first person I told (my boyfriend at the time). He also happened to be a friend of the person who raped me. I guess he chose him over me. Reading this reassures me that my ex boyfriend was wrong, and it makes me feel better about our recent break up. I don't need someone who doesn't understand me and will continue to hang out with the person who raped me and pretend like it's nothing. I have better people in my life that validate my feelings just as this post has, so thank you again.

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Thank you; I know when I talked about the most recent abuse I went through with my girlfriend, she didn't see it as a rape...because she knew the person who did it and we were drunk...and so I just sorta felt it was my fault and that I'm just over playing it.

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I want to say that it meant a lot to read this.

I tend to downplay what happened to me a lot because it seems like nothing in comparison to what a lot of others have been through. I wasn't raped, it wasn't violent. I didn't say no - he coerced me, took advantage of my naivety. He barely touched me, I barely remember it, and for a long time, I think I barely cared. I would read web-pages about child sexual abuse, and they all seemed to talk about "without consent" and "negative emotional impact", and I could only think that what happened to me must not have been sexual assault, because I [i]did[/i] consent. I was a child and I didn't understand, but I still consented. Everywhere talked about adults, but he wasn't an adult, he was a teenager, under sixteen. What if we were just kids fooling around? And I don't remember being upset with what he did when it happened, or even for a long time after, so maybe I wanted it. If it was sexual assault, I would have been upset.

Then I think once I accepted it was sexual assault, it got even harder. I try not to think this way, but I always compare what I went through to what others have gone through, because what happened to me is [i]nothing[/i] in comparison, nothing at all. Every single time I think about it I wonder why it has the power to make me cry, why I just can't move on, why I'm so upset over something so small.

So thank you for this thread. It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this.

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[quote name='Jes' date='27 May 2006 - 01:58 PM' timestamp='1148763491' post='290616']
This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted :)

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.
[/quote]

Thank you so much for that post.

I've been forcing myself to stuff what little i remember away for so long, i only have images and feelings left. I havent been able to or am not willing to work through them, nor can i get rid of them. i dont live either. I exist for others but barely have the energy to do so anymore, so there are very few in my life. Thats ok... since i dont have me. Maybe one day ill have the strength to say what i do remember and acknowledge that it did happen. Thanks to all for sharing your stories. You share your strength, compassion, empathy and a myriad of other gifts by doing so.
im very greatful.

Graymalkin

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Thank you for the posting of this. It seems small, but it is felt oh so big. We need to be constantly reminded that it wasn't our fault, it DID matter, and we all deserve to be healed. May these words you've shared continue to be heard over and over by those who need them.

Karen

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