Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

238 posts in this topic

Reading that, I figured out that I had been so guilty of downplaying the situation. I told myself, "You're pathetic for being so affected by it, because compared to everyone else, really it was nothing at all." I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. Thank you.

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:rolleyes: this post is truely uplifiting for me. I constantly have those people who discredit me or make me feel like what happened to me was not a big deal and they are my friends, i didnt tell my family. Reading the words, i deserve to heal makes me feel better. Now i just have to believe that it and let myself. Its hard when i always think its my fault.

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I was violently raped nearly 40 years ago, when I was 16. (I am new here and don't know if that statement is a "trigger" or not. Please forgive me if it is.) I never told anyone until a few weeks ago. I keep thinking that because I am very good at blocking it out, that I have healed. I have come to the point where I realize that denial does not equal healing. I have some very self-defeating and people-distancing behaviors that I have never been able to change or get past, and I think it is the toxins from the not healing that are seeping out into my life in other ways.

I have often felt like I had waited too long to try to work on healing. But I have come to see that if I don't start healing, I will never be able to overcome the self-defeating behaviors that I have.

Thank you for telling me I deserve to heal, even though it has been 40 years. Even though I never told anyone when I should have. Even though I let the creep get by with it. Even though I have terrible shame about it. Even though, even though, even though . . .

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Even though..... You belong here! :) I am so sorry for what happened to you 40 yrs. ago..... No one deserves what happened to you and I am so glad you found us here and we all are here for you as you begin the long journey to healing. Thank you for sharing with us.

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Thanks for posting this - I needed to be reminded.

-mockingbird

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Thank you so much for posting this. I honestly felt stupid for being on here because it happened so long ago and there was nothing I could do but that made me feel so much better

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Hello Jes,Found this site by accident yesterday, and still trying to find my way around. Your post was so touching it made me cry. I have tried for 40 years to minimise and block out feelings and try to be the strong person I'm sure I am underneath all the hurt. Reading the stories on your boards is truly heart breaking, and has triggeredsome very buried emotions. I believe I've found the place I've been needing to start to deal with and rebuild my life. Thank you for for voicing what I have been thinking for years, and not been able to put into words.

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Yes,

Thanks for reposting Jes.

J

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Jes-

Thank you soo much for that. It pretty much was the epitome of how I felt...and somehow the words coming from you is making me actually start to believe them.

*hugs* if ok

<3 Hannah

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Ok so this is my first post.

I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to heal and for that reason, not quite sure if I deserve to be here as my actions disgust me. It happened 3 years ago and I wouldn't let meself belive it as I was intoxicated at the time and sort of blacked out, although now I beleive that its a mental block but I told myself it never happen. That night I had my innocence stolen from me. My way of dealing with it was to prove to myself I was strong by letting men use me. Therefore the reason I'm disgusted in myself. I want to heal and have never seaked help before I found this website whilst reasing 'diva' magazine and the only person I have confided in is my current partner who I dont think beleives me. My only way of coping so far has been self harm which I never want to turn to again. Do I deserve to be here?

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Thank you so much for posting this, Jes. It really makes me feel reassured.

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Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

...For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there...

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

I included the parts of this quote that meant a great deal to me. I am experiencing traumatic flashbacks from a rape that happened when I was 19 over 40 years ago. I completely blocked the experience and it is coming back now. It feels as if the rape just happened. The man used a knife and I got severely injured in the melee. I am kicking myself for going out with him to an isolated place. He was a handsome and charming man who proposed beer, a picnic and a swim at a lake. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I loved to swim and loved the woods. I was an athletic and active kid. I did not realize how dangerous this could be. When we got there I found myself in an isolated wooded area miles from no where. I wished that rapist had made a different decision and offered me beer, a lot of laughs and fun in the water. Instead he made a very different decision -- the one I am trying to get through now.

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Thank you, I very much needed to read this tonight.

I do think my abuse "wasnt as bad as others" and I do think "it has been 30 years aog I should be over it"

I have doubted my memories, but having attended my 30th grade school reunion recently, I was reminded by two close friends that I even tried to tell them after my mom would ot help me, but we were oly 12 so none if us knew what to do. I WAS ONLY TWELVE!!!!!!! No 30 something year old man should ever have been touching a TWELVE YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!

IM OK - HE IS THE CRAZY ONE !!! IM GOING TO BE OK !!!!

For so many years, I pushed it off thinking I was crazy to let it bother me, but that idiot hurt me and its OK that I HURT! It is NORMAL that I HURT!

AND ITS OK THAT I AM MAD AT MY MOM FOR NOT HELPING ME!! IM OK - IM THE NORMAL ONE!

Dealing with this is harder than I thought it would be. I pray a lot these days and listen to Joyce Meyers talk. It keeps me from wanting to end my life. It gets so tiring sometimes, but I am going to keep going and I am going to be BETTER some day !!!

My alcoholic husband one time forced himself on me. Yes, I am still married to him. I went to a counselor once who told me that "I should be able to get over the fact that he only forced himself on me once" Well you know what??? IM REALLY NOT OVER THAT EITHER !!!!! and I dont think I need to be!!!!! Its ok and good to forgive(maybe) and move on, but its also ok that I HURT because of his cruel actions when intoxicated !!!

I am not sure where I will be q year from now, but I know that starting to deal with this, means I am on the road to recovery and feelign better about myself.

I will pray for everyone out there hurting !!

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Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!! I still struggle with the abuse and because I haven't really, honestly confronted the issue...it still is a big part of my life! I was abused as a child and it still hurts. I still blame myself! However, I know I wasn't the blame and no one deserves to be abused!!

This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted :)

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

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This made me cry because I finally realized that I didn't deserve what happened to me, thank you.

I deserve to heal.

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Its my first time on Pandy and I was just reading alot of enteries. I have known all this time thats its not ony me that it has happened to but I was always comparing my assult to others saying mine was that bad, well really it was. I definately did tell them to stop but I never put up a fight I was scared to think what they might do if I hit them and started screaming and kicking. They didnt stop till I started crying and started to get more agressive in my tone. Beacause of my parents not knowing what had gone on that were very mad at me screming, yelling everything that you could imagine of cause they stopped that when I could to tell them the truth. But on the other hand I didnt know who my friends were some of them went all weird cuz one of the guys went to the same school as all of us and some abused me and others stuck beside me and wanted to help and and the rest of them only stayed beside me so I would tell them everything then they would turn the story around and tell the hole school. I didnt know what they were doing until I would walk through a corridor one day and everyone would stare at me, point the fingure and call me awful names, till I actually realized what my so called FRIENDS were up to... Now I really have only got three close friends but really thats all I need they love me, support me, care for me and do everything to make me happy and I really dont need anymore than that. I was raped by two guys september 5th 2008, it has taken over a year to get to a trial and one of them got let off. I was so pertrified of going to court it was making me feel sick, I had to make a big decision and I had to choose what was best for me, for my health (depression and anxiety). So I chose to put it off. I want to move on with my life I didnt want another month to decide I wanted it to end all now cuz I could have already started on with my new life in that month! I had to toss up if I was going to regreat not going in the future or regreat going and I said to myself Id rather regreat not goin then regreated putting myself in that poition and putting my health at risk!! Im so happy now that I have got everything off my shouders for this Christmas Im gonna make the most of my time with my special family and Boyfriend and spend christmas like I used to when I was little!

Regards

~e.rikayla~

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I've told other people this... but it's hard to listen to the advice when it's just coming from yourself. Thanks for telling me.

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Wow, Thank you so much for this post. Whilst I often felt like I had been raped I repeatedly debated with myself whether or not it actually was rape because I kissed him first and things went downhill from there. Finally thanks to your post I know it really was rape as I had always felt.

Thank you

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Thank you for this i quite often think to myself it was my fault even though all the time people tell me the only person who is to blame is the man who did this to for for 3 months. i sometimes still think that i could of stopped it but the fact that he had me under his control n made out i couldnt survive without him made it hard for me to say anything. To join this forum is great because now i can see things from other peoples experiences and realise i am not alone Thanks :)

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I am very thankful to you as well for this. You have made me feel welcome here already.

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Thank you for the wonderful words. I was doubtful if this was the right place to be or not. Registered and looked around but didn't feel like I should be here. These words have made me feel welcome. I do deserve to be here, and I do deserve to heal.

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