Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

238 posts in this topic

this post actually made me cry. I am so hard on myself, sometimes thinking I don't deserve to heal because I didn't fight back with my father. I let him buy me things, I let him buy my silence. Maybe I do deserve to heal. Thank you for this post.

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This is a great post...I read it again. I need the reminder that I deserve to be here no matter what happened... :hug:

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Wow, that is so powerful and I found it very comforting. I just got here and am new to the site and I already feel at home.

I am sure all of you know how it feels when someone tells you to "just get over it and move on". I do know that this comment comes from those who have no idea what we all have been through in our lives....The person in my life that says it over and over is my own Mother.....I don't get angry anymore when she says it but I do feel pity for her because she has her own Hell that she has lived through. My own mother decided to stay with the man who molested me for 6 years instead of telling him to leave the home.....I have my own love hate relationship with my mother.

I do know that I am worth as much in this world as the next person but this has taken years to achieve. I look forward to being on the site and glad I found it. And, I am glad I had this message to read as one of the first.....

Pam

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Welcome to Pandy's, Pam :)

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Thank you I needed that so much today. I just joined today and told my story to my fiance this weekend, the first time I had told anyone. We're having a hard time getting through it.

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Good for you for breaking your silence!

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It's good to read everyone else's experiences. It makes me feel a little less vulnerable about posting mine.

Mine is... well, how do I describe it? When I think about it I feel sick, stupid, & ashamed. I feel like I should have done something or said something to keep it from happening. I feel like it isn't as "valid" as other people's b/c some people haven't believed me.

When I was younger, my older sister would sexually molest my little sister & I. It wasn't a sexual thing, I know that. She liked having us under her control. She'd randomly come up to us & grab our breasts calling it "squeekaing our boobies". She'd brainwash us one after the other into holding the other down so she could do whatever she wanted. She'd persuade one of us to hold the other down so she could try to shove her fingers inside of us, saying things she thought was funny such as "in goes the choo choo". Then she'd play us off the other & get the other one of us to hold the other one down another day (it could be a few months later or a few days later) or tie the other person up. When I think of the times she manipulated me into doing that to my sister, it makes me physically ill. For a while I deteriorated into self harm b/c I feel like that is what I deserve for not standing up to her & refusing to do help her, but God help me... at the time I was just so grateful that it wasn't me she was doing it to. I've talked to my little sister about it & she's forgiven me for it her reasoning was the same as mine. She did it so it wouldn't be her that time.

When she wasn't abusing us sexually, it was emotional abuse (sometimes physical). She'd sometimes take a swing at us or call us names. She loved getting other people to do her work for her, since that was she could stand back & claim that it wasn't her fault. I remember that she loved to take what few friends I did have & turn them against me as well. I also remember how she'd get her friends to stand around & taunt me, only to make some half-assed rescue later so she could feel superior. At first I thought it was her finally acting like a sister, until I came up behind her one day as she was cruelly mocking me to her friends. Even so, half of the things they said in public weren't nearly as bad as what she'd say at home. Her favorite story was that my parents picked me up out of a pigpen & that my mother was a sow. I remember her getting my little sister to join in & circle around me yelling "Sow, sow, you mother was a sow!" My dad & stepmom both worked, so they were never at home for this. My mom was in California & my grandparents were in another city.

As for anyone believing me, at that point my older sister knew how to work the system. She was little miss good grades & band camp. I'd fallen into such deep depression that I just gave up on everything & spent all my time in my room. You would have thought that my dad or stepmom would have picked up on that, but every time I tried to complain, my sis turned it around to where it was my fault & that I was just trying to cause problems. I could never win an argument. Eventually I just learned to deal with it by denying it. If I pretended like yesterday afternoon didn't happen, eventually I would forget it. It almost worked. Finally, my dad asked me if my older sister had molested my sister & I... and I was so thorougly brainwashed that I said no.

Now I'm 28 & I haven't had a successful relationship ever. I can't have sex without freaking out, so I'm still a virgin. It's so bad that it's to the point that I SPOILER, highlight to show content

can't even masturbate without having a panic attack. I'm hiding that part b/c I know that some people might get offended by that. I'm finally getting to the point when I'm admitting that I need therapy, but I still feel ashamed. Part of me tells myself that I don't deserve treatment & that I'm just "looking for attention". Even as I type this, I feel like I should delete this since the whole thing is "me, me, me" & that the only person who deserves to write anything is my little sister. I look at other people's posts & I don't feel like I have the right to post anything.

I don't know anymore.

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I just joined tonight. I wasnt sure that I belonged here, but after reading this, I feel a lot better about being here. thank you

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Here goes my first post.

For me, negative and unsupportive reactions from friends and loved ones was an experience I was not prepared for.

I feel silenced. My fear of being minimized and silenced is driving me crazy.

My boyfriend appears to lately come around though. I has been seven months since I first got flashbacks of an assault which happened to me three years earlier. I had blocked out the memory of it. I have been very frustrated by his lack of initiative to educate himself on how to be supportive of me. He finally is reading books I gave him and seems to become more sensitive to my needs. I realize I still feel a lot of anger towards him, for what I perceived as his minimizing of my experience. hmm, I didn't mean to get distracted by talking about him right now, though.

I wrote an article about my experience of being a sexual assault survivor. I finally feel it is "good enough" to put it out in the world. And, I'm experiencing dread at the thought of publishing it somewhere online, or mailing it out to the social circles of the perpetrator. I have emailed it to friends and acquintances. I had positive and not so positive remarks about it.

I'm worried about chickening out.

It was very helpful to me to read some books about secondary victimization: specifically "the second rape" and the "second assault" can't give names of authors right now, since I lent the books to my boyfriend to read at the moment.

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Welcome to the board nowIunderstand, I am so glad you have found us here :)

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I agree with you all, EVERYONE has the right to be here. Each of us in our own way, need to heal. It is hard for everyone. I am just a supporter, but rape has affected our family. I think the hardest part for me is seeing what is going on. We have alot of pain in our family, but in different ways. I don't know what to do. My mom tries to help and be their for my step-sister, but she shuts my mom out. Then at school, she tells lies about what is really happening. Things that are serious, but she acts like it's no big deal. They are not thing to lie about or joke about because they are so serious. I mean like telling people she doesn't eat. We come home and she eats twice as much as everyone else does. Is this even healthy? or is it because she wants attention? I am so sorry for what happened, and we are there for her, but she acts fine at home and shuts us out. Then i heard one day her telling a teacher her mom don't care about her and blames her for it, which is a BIG LIE. This hurts my mom because she really wants to help her, bu :( t she is making it very difficult. These are just some things thats going on and I don't know what to do.

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:D Thank You So Much For That!

Its So Nice To Join Somewhere, Where People Understand What Your Going Through!

I Always Think To Myself...Eeee Was It My Fault, But Reading That Has Helped Me Alot :)

Everyone Take Care

xxx

(((Hannah)))

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:yay:hello thanx alot for that!!i desperately needed to hear that.as a child sexual abuse survivor it feels really good to know that what am feeling.the self-doubt is all to real and that i do deserve to be here.thanx again!!!! :yay::yay:

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Thank you so much. I was sexually molested by my cousin for about 6 months when I was in the 10th grade. I'll go more into that in a separate thread about my story. Just a few days ago I was raped by a guy that I didn't really know... I have so many mixed feelings about it and didn't know where to turn... so I turned here.

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Hello everybody..

I am new to this site and would just like to say that I am here literally for some support regarding my issues. I don't feel completely confident in discussing this completely just yet, but I can say that I am a victim, in need of healing. I have suffered from sexual abuse since the age of 11 and have suffered multiple rapes (one with two guys only 2 months ago) and sexual/physical abuse. I am finding it extremely difficult to piece a couple of these incidents together in my mind so have decided to join this site. Thank you for giving us a safe haven to share our thoughts.

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Thanks, Jes. Just beginning to realize that I deserve to heal and that I can heal!

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That was a great post , i joined up so i can help someone ive really cared about for a long time . She is to afraid to deal with counceling right now and i know you cant force anyone to do anything . So i been searching for other alternatives that might be easier , so she can start healing from this . I think this site might really help her if she decides to check it out , it seems to be helping a lot of people on here , including myself to understand better . You guys and girls are all very brave , and there is nothing stronger then the human spirit . I wish everyone the best , and all the love and support they need .

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Thank you for this. I hesitated in joining at first because as you say my abuse was not severe--I was young, yes, but both times it was nonopenetrative. Thank you, for making me realize I deserve to be here too.

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thank you so much.. after reading this i felt a lot better.. i've been putting the blame of what happened on me.. and i felt like why should i be upset when i did this to myself (when i was r*ped i was either extremely intoxicated because i blacked out completely or i was drugged because the guy who did it was the one pouring me drinks.. i don't know yet because it happened a month ago and the test results from when i went to the hospital aren't back) but i just felt like i let myself get into the situation for going to the party and all of that and after reading that it helped me so much because i deserve to heal.. what happened sucked and i shouldn't let it control my life.. its a bit early to even think of being recovered fully.. its only been a month.. but i know one day i will and just reading that and reaffirming in my mind that i am allowed to heal and to have feelings and emotions about what happened help.. so thank you.

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Thank you very much for posting this

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just a quick note to say THANKS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH i have been struggling recently and need a boost so came back to pandy's to find the support i needed and as ever found something that helped

it never ceases to amaze me how what i need to get me back on track and healing i find here

thanks again

jo

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Thanks for posting this. It's amazing how you hit so many things that I needed to hear specifically. I have had people tell me that I made the choice to be raped because I was walking alone, on my college campus, at night. While I know it's not true, I had heard those words and said, "Maybe their right, I was wrong. And if that's the case, I don't deserve to heal. I should deal with this for the rest of my life." I see now how wrong that thinking is. I did nothing to deserve to be raped - and I do deserve healing and I do deserve to be supported. Thanks so much! I hope I can offer support as much as I've already received it here. :)

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What if you are still being raped? Do I still deserve to heal? (I don't think so)

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yes Reese if you are still being raped you deserve to be here and to heal. i'm glad that you had the courage to join. You deserve as much support as anyone else.

love

Sasha

:hug: :hug: :hug:

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