Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

253 posts in this topic

Hey carot,

If someone had sex with you - with penetration or not - and you did not consent you are not being overdramatic. You've been sexually assaulted. I think you already know this and that's why you joined. I look forward to seeing you around the board. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan 

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I don't know if I "deserve" to be here - I was not physically sexually assaulted by my abuser.  We did have physical contact on 3 occasions.  He was my psychiatrist for 2 years.  He violated me in so many ways it is hard to describe, primarily it was psychologically, but much of the psychological abuse was sexual in nature.  We talked about rape and I wrote down degrading "fantasies" for him to review.  He told me it was healing when I imagined him raping me and then comforting me afterward.  The story of 2 years is much too long to describe.  What I struggle with now, more than in the past - when I thought of degrading fantasies that brought me erotic pleasure, is that now I have erotic pleasure in hurting him.  I have tried to become asexual in order to avoid thinking of him at all, but he permeated my sexual thoughts for almost 2 years.  My last "fantasy" of him involved asphyxiating him while I orgasmed; at the end I was not sure if he was dead, but his eyes were closed and his head dropped softly to his chest.  It sounds utterly bizarre, so I don't know if other survivors have experienced this - I am pretty much a "vanilla" sort of person, married for 12 years with 2 kids & love my husband to pieces because he is my rock & knows & accepts all 'dark' parts of me and does not in any way blame me for the abuse by my doctor.  But my sexual thoughts turn very dark, and vicious.  I understand it can be sexually arousing to feel victimized, and I have, many times, imagining him victimizing me in so many ways, because in real life, he was doing that, in insidious and psychological and gaslighting ways with a very sexual undertone.  But now I victimize him in my fantasies, and I don't wish to be a harmful, violent person.  My therapist who specializes in trauma thought my fantasy about asphyxiating him was something that didn't even make her "bat an eye" because "he asphyxiated you psychologically for 2 years."  Thoughts are welcome.  Thanks.

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Hi. I am waiting for validation of my account. I have mixed feelings. While I feel some hope because I am not the only one out there, I feel sad that so many others have gotten hurt too. The original post makes me feel like I am in the right place. I wish no one had to deal with the things we deal with. I feel so sad and depressed today.

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