Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

248 posts in this topic

I consider what happened to me, with the most recent guy and one in college, to be borderline sexual abuse. But thank you for also listing sexual harassment. Because the guy in college definitely did threaten and sexually harass me. However, the school considered it not to be egregious (in spite of telling him he could have gone to jail for what he'd done) if sexual harassment at all. Many women reported this man, but they just told him to leave the women alone, because that always works. -_-

I didn't consider the other stuff he did to be technically assault, but I *felt* like it was. I felt scared, terrorized, trapped. I'd gone into fight or flight response. He had physically hurt me multiple times, but none of it so blatant. But I never said no, I never said let me go. A part of it was because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of begging or to give him plausible deniability. But it was also because I was scared--scared that if I said stop, he wouldn't. Scared that it would then "really" count as assault. Scared that it would escalate the situation. I either stayed silent or tried to reason with him.

Recently, I also realized what happened to me was abuse or borderline abuse. I also couldn't call it rape or sexual assault. But I noticed that websites for victims of sexual abuse and trauma, like Pandys and Rape Crisis Scotland, were some of the most helpful things I could read. I feel as though I can't post in "my story" because it's all so minor. But I have been finding it helpful to post elsewhere.

This thread is a really good reminder that it is never "too late" or "too soon" to get help, and there is no violation "too little" or "too big" to get help for.

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Oh how I needed this today. As more memories begin to surface and I struggle to accept what happened I tried to confide in my husband. I explained that for the first time ever in my life, all of the detached memories, emotions, and fears were beginning to make sense. His reply made me think I was delusional. He said he knows it never happened to me. I couldn't say anything else. I already struggle to accept my experiences and it did not help to realize the person I needed to understand the most could not comprehend my struggle.

So, although the original post is old, I am thankful for it. It has taken me years to reach the point where I can begin to accept as much as I can remember. His response thrust me backwards to where I want to disbelieve myself that much more. I want to move forward to where I can feel more whole and confident in myself. Maybe it would be different if my memories were complete and had never been hidden. I don't know. I just know I have been having more triggers and my lows are lower then before. But thankfully I have a good therapist who is helping me to pull out faster and to navigate through this journey.

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I'm becoming used to this "imaging things" response from people. I finally got up the nerve to report my ex for his abuse of me. The police spoke with him to set up an interview and the very next day he had filed for and been granted emergency custody of our 9 year old daughter who is also a victim. I am dealing with everyone saying that I imagined it, asked for it, deserved it, wanted and enjoyed it.... it's just so frustrating and scary.

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I've been in a very similar situation except when I left I didn't report it bc I thought the things that were happening even though some were deplorable were my duties. Also, my child was never harmed and we now have joint custody. I want to leave the state and start over but wo being able to take my daughter I am having trouble deciding what to do, as I am in a new relationship yet her father tries to control and manipulate me, in every aspect of my life... The sexual abuse has stopped but I'm still being beaten mentally.

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I agree and thanks for the post. It isn't the victims fault bc we were in the wrong place at the wrong time or bc we were unable to attain help or tell anyone at the time this is very common among us, the survivors of this type of abuse. Thank you all for sharing.

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Great response Shannon and so true... Therapist can sometimes fall short of their obligations but reluctantly we move forward.

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Molestation, date rape, marital rape, incest has all played a factor for me. I really got slot from this post. Thx

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Alot of what happened to me I never considered sa until recently. I never Knew that being forced to be uncomfortable in sexual Actaeon a marriage constitutes sexual assault, but it does. Great post very true...

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I need to be healed. I always put what happened to me on the back burner, but it's time to start healing so I can live a wonderful life with my amazing boyfriend

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I am new to this site and to this issue. I will begin exploring the threads, but I will ask that anyone who reads this - if you have suggestions for threads, resources, support groups, books etc - I welcome them.
I am in my 50s and newly married and have come to suspect that my husband was sexually abused as a child. I want to tread carefully as I provide a safe place for him and us to face this. This revelation just came today, so obviously I am pretty much completely ignorant. Thank you for allowing me to join. Peace and love to all.

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Glad to read this again today. Thanks, Jes.

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Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

I must admit, though, that I have a lot of concerns with what your therapist said, based on your post here.

We make hundreds of choices each day. Some are clearly good (wearing our seatbelt) and some are clearly bad (eating potato chips for lunch instead of an apple). But some choices we make end up being bad only because of an intervening factor. For instance, one day last summer I parked in the surface lot instead of a covered garage, on a day that happened to bring a huge hailstorm, and my car sustained $2,000 in damages. "How stupid," I thought. "If only I had parked in the garage."

But how was I to know that we'd get the worst hailstorm of the decade?

For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there.

While not all choices are "good" we have the right to make bad choices without anticipating someone else will take advantage of us and rape us. We have the right to have a drink or go on a walk through a park. But NO ONE has the right to rape us, ever, no matter what we say or do.

Princess, I don't know the full story. But in my book, someone using extortion to get sex sounds like rape to me. Would it survive legal muster? I don't know, that depends on the statute and definition of duress. But it seems to me like this guy saw that you were vulnerable and took horrible advantage of you.

Were there choices you could have made that would have protected you? Of course. You could have not gotten out of bed that day. You could have not moved to that town in the first place. You can spend an eternity making a list of the choices that would have saved you from being raped.

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

Thanks I needed this today

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Even if i tried not to post on this forum for a period of time , this post really hit me in the heart and i knew i just couldn't let it without write i want.

Everything i read was true, all these questions about "why didn't fight harder?" "why they did that to you? you were only a kid?" "it's time to forget it and move on" were all phrases for friends , family and T's. The same questions for something who yes, it happened almost eleven years ago, but i still feel scared , vulnerable, angry, in pain , more than ever. Yes, many yeara passed and perhaps i had to be okay by now and living my life but it's not that easy and saying something like that cause they have no idea about this thing or even worse minimizing your feelings and thoughts ... it's just awful.

I can understand someone who have no idea or don't want to hear about these things - it's not easy i know - but they can tell you from the beginning about how uncomfortable they feel instead of causing you mre pain, anxiety, disbelief. for something no one of us choose. I certainly didn;t choose to get raped at 6. God , i am so angry cause even if i don't care about others opinions , right now i have to take some huge desicions and i feel overhelmed by emotions cause i have to deal with these attitudes and questions everyday.

Ugh, sorry for my ranting here.

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I'm not even sure if I'm using this appropriately but I'm still waiting for my account to be approved and I feel really alone. I cried when I read this because I felt guilty using a site full of people I'm sure have been through far more terrible things but I felt like maybe this is where I can get some kind of useful input. I've been up all night. It happened 15 years ago and I tried to tell my friends and was mostly met with silence so I stopped talking about it. I stayed with him for too long. He was my first real boyfriend. He pressured me and called me names and pulled my hair while I was saying no and trying to get away. It was a long time ago. The nightmares started two weeks ago but when they started to get better the counselor I consulted with thought it might be better to not talk about it since things were getting better. They're not better. 

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On 2017-5-30 at 5:48 AM, Guest Shesellsseashells said:

I'm not even sure if I'm using this appropriately but I'm still waiting for my account to be approved and I feel really alone. I cried when I read this because I felt guilty using a site full of people I'm sure have been through far more terrible things but I felt like maybe this is where I can get some kind of useful input. I've been up all night. It happened 15 years ago and I tried to tell my friends and was mostly met with silence so I stopped talking about it. I stayed with him for too long. He was my first real boyfriend. He pressured me and called me names and pulled my hair while I was saying no and trying to get away. It was a long time ago. The nightmares started two weeks ago but when they started to get better the counselor I consulted with thought it might be better to not talk about it since things were getting better. They're not better. 

Shesellsseashells, 

I just found out about this forum, and I see that your message is already old, so maybe this won't help you but I wanted to say something: I'm sorry for what happened to you, I've not been raped, so I can't imagine what must be but I'm sure is not something easy to live with. I'm sorry that you feel so alone, please reach to me through a personal message if you need to talk.

No matter how long ago it happen it can still hurt, if you need to talk is never good to not talk about it, my personal advice would be to try to find a different counselor, probably one specialized in this matter, also try to reach for local support groups with persons that went through the same, the little that I know meet with someone that went through the same can be very good.

 

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On 5/27/2006 at 4:58 PM, Jes said:

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

Thank you so much for listing sexual harassment as a form of abuse. I have never been physically sexually assaulted, but from the time I was just starting to see myself as a sexual being, my sexuality was under attack. I was too ugly to even have any sexuality; I was shallow for my taste in guys, etc. One kid even told me I was too ugly to be raped. As a result, I have a tremendous amount of guilt and inhibitions around sex. I'm trying to claim my sexuality and be able to like who/what I like without judgment, but it's so difficult, and most people don't understand that. I get scolded for caring about other people's opinions too much. :(

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I was 8 years old and was playing in a park and wandered with my brother and a friend to an abandoned factory. My parents were busy playing tennis and did not pay attention that we were out of sight. We were playing and a man came to us and told us he wanted to take our pictures. He had us pull our clothes down and he took pictures. He had me open my legs and he took pictures. He then opened his pants and told us to touch him, and he ejaculated. I remember it all so clearly, and I still feel resposible for complying and I am 59 years old.  I went back to my parents who very calmly took me home and called the police. My mother started smoking again and never quit after that and she died of lung cancer.  There were other instances as I grew older of being targeted-once by a creepy nurse at summer camp who insisted on taking my temperature anally when I was 12 years old as she sat next to me and stroked my bottom, yuck. Later by perverted men.  I became promiscuous and had many partners, and some very terrible and disturbing things happened. I drank too much and engaged in some dangerous and self destructive behaviors.  I am strong and am fairly successful and am married to a gentle good man but in my heart feel deeply flawed and gross about my past and these events. My memories are still with me and have reared their ugly head lately. I saw a film on child abuse and it opened a whole can of worms for me. Do I belong on this forum?

 

Molly

 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you so much for this thread. I was drugged and raped when I was 22. I am now 48 and I have only just admitted to this myself and the only other person I have told it my boyfriend of 13 years who has been very supportive. I thought for all these years that it was my fault, because I was drunk. I met this guy at a bar, he gave me a pill to take which I had not idea what it was and I was a bit of a party girl back in the day. Any how I vaguely remember him coming back with me and some friends to my friends house, the next thing I know this guy is banging away on top of me and I have no control over what is happening, I remember I started praying. He left I could hear him laughing and that was it. I have tried to block it out from my mind over the years, but I have had recurring nightmares about it. I have finally admitted to myself that I was raped and will now seek the healing and support that I so desperately need. thank you for being here xx

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I've been told to move on with my life because if it happened and there is nothing to do about it now. I was drugged and raped a year and a half ago and as much as I try to buried it in my past it still haunts me at night when I sleep. I still have flashbacks of it happening, snippets I would say but those are enough to make me feel empty inside. I was a virgin, so you can imagine the fear that went through me when I woke up and saw blood on the sheets. I told no one about it in fear that no one would actually believe me since it was my word against a US solider no one would believe me. I was 19 when it happened. Does the feeling of emptiness ever go away? I feel like a part of me was taken that night, and I'm never going to get that back. I now have a loving boyfriend who doesn't know the truth even though he makes me feel safe there is still that sense of shame I feel, I don't know how he will react if I tell him I don't even know if I want him to know. it's not his fault I feel this sense of numbness inside but I'm also holding back from the relationship. Have any of you felt that sense of numbness at one point? 

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I am new to talking about abuse with anyone other than my therapist. I am waiting for my account to be validated, but wanted to just try getting started. My abuse was throughout my childhood. I've been "healing" for years, but was mostly dealing with triggers. Now, I am facing the memories of what made me have triggers in the first place. I am shocked to discover a place to talk with survivors. I really appreciate reading that there are safe and healthy guidelines for posting, etc. Thank you all for your courage. I admire your strength and hope to gain more myself.

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I deserve to be here.  I deserve to heal. I deserve to heal and love myself.

My story.  I know that even though I told this story many years ago, it is time to

re-visit it and tell it again.  It is in the telling of the story that our truth and pain

is laid out on the table. ...AND thank you all who are taking the time to read

this.  It is in your reading this and receiving this, my "people" - my friends, that

the further process of healing can take place.

p.s. I hope to God that my landlord, with whom I share the internet can

not see this but I am in such pain that I have to give this fear up and write.

                                      MY STORY

Years ago...I was  6 years of age and teenage boys used me for their

sexual gratification.  Eventually, I was placed in a great foster home

& experienced love and safety.  But then I was adopted into a house

where the adopted mother was a severely disturbed mentally ill woman and 

practicing alcoholic.  Catholic family - so Dad was in denial and that

was sad- I loved my Dad.  Fast forward and I went into therapy at the age

of 19.  The 1st therapist was excellent .  I revisited the event and passed out.

Then the next 2 weeks I would burst out crying with no warning. ANd often

it would be in a public place, like a supermarket.  Full out sobbing as if my best friend

had just died.  Grief blurting out.  The therapist was not entirely equipped to

work with trauma as I clearly remember she admonished me & said, "You have

the control to wait to cry until you get home."  But hey, I am forever grateful that she

unearthed this trauma so I could see it in the harsh light of high noon.  Horrific and

still so oppressive and belittling.  So here it is ...to be used like that. Such a

war crime really.  Raped as a child. And no one was there to hear or heed my

screams for help.  

 

I am older now.  This trauma has been eating me away again.  So, it is time to get

help.  Thanks for listening.

On the healing path again,   Joan

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I don't know if I deserve to be here, I know I do but don't really feel like I should. It's just that I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my sisters and they helped but not anymore. Most likely because my brother is involved. It happened last October one night when he said he wanted to talk. I figured it's just be like the old days when we would talk about growing, but he started asking me inappropriate questions about me sexual activity, things I thought no brother would ever want to know about his little sister. He asked about me weight, bra size, whether or not I masturbate or watch porn. He had his hand on my lower back and move it up and down as if in support. Mostly because my answers were no, I hadn't done anything sexual with anyone and I'm 21. He then asked if I would practice on someone I know, I said no. He kept asking me and I kept saying no. That's around the time when I think I felt his erection against my leg. I froze up saying no and nothing else, I think I tried changing the subject but I can't recall, I remember saying I was tired and went to my room. Not long after he tried accusing me of being a lesbian and I felt enraged. I still do. Especially when my parents continue to spoil him, but they can't ever know. My dad is a mentally unstable alcoholic and it would break my mom cause she was once a victim of incest. I've dreamed of leaving and joing the air force but I don't want to leave under these circumstances, I want my bachelor's degree and that's going to take more years of being here. I have no one to talk to and it's just not getting any easier. It sounds minor but it turns my stomach and waters my eyes to write this. I just want to know if I'm over reacting, if I somehow someway could have read the situation wrong, and just hear that someone knows what happened and acknowledges it. Thank you for letting me share.

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Hi everyone,

I've never posted before and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I've decided to do it now.  I feel like I'm just not coping well anymore and I've reached the point when I can't live like this anymore.  I need to move on somehow.

I have been speaking with different support workers on and off since disclosing a couple of years after the first time I was raped (17 years ago when I was 13).  I've felt guilty for putting myself in that position since that day (I understand blame only lies with the rapist, but believing it is something else entirely).  I walked home, bathed and went to school the next day, and went about my normal activities as if nothing happened.  He left to go to university not long after the assault and after disclosing to a school nurse a couple of years later, I kind of moved on, as much as possible.  

I was doing ok until this time, 4 years ago when he moved back to the area, into the town where I now live. Since moving back to the area, he assaulted me again and has made so many vile comments to me that I have lost count.  I never reported either assault to the police ...I have my reasons for this and I still think it was the best option/decision for me.  However, I have spoken with the police, after being encouraged to by a previous support worker, and managed to have a special address marker put on my house (not that I've ever chosen to use it). 

I suppose I'm here for a few reasons...mainly I need to talk and I need to deal with how I'm feeling.  The support worker I now work with is absolutely amazing.  I've only been working with her a couple of months, but feel our discussions are very helpful. Unfortunately though, I live in a fairly remote area and all contact with her is over the phone, and I feel like I need more support right now.  I've disclosed to very few people, I don't really talk about what actually happened to me, and I feel like I'm ready to do that-I just don't really know how to talk about it? 

I hope what I've shared so far is ok, I just felt like I needed to explain a little bit about why I'm here, and also I'm hoping some of you may have moved on from the point that I'm at right now.  I need to know it's possible, because I so desperately want to have a normal life again. 

S x

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