Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

238 posts in this topic

I consider what happened to me, with the most recent guy and one in college, to be borderline sexual abuse. But thank you for also listing sexual harassment. Because the guy in college definitely did threaten and sexually harass me. However, the school considered it not to be egregious (in spite of telling him he could have gone to jail for what he'd done) if sexual harassment at all. Many women reported this man, but they just told him to leave the women alone, because that always works. -_-

I didn't consider the other stuff he did to be technically assault, but I *felt* like it was. I felt scared, terrorized, trapped. I'd gone into fight or flight response. He had physically hurt me multiple times, but none of it so blatant. But I never said no, I never said let me go. A part of it was because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of begging or to give him plausible deniability. But it was also because I was scared--scared that if I said stop, he wouldn't. Scared that it would then "really" count as assault. Scared that it would escalate the situation. I either stayed silent or tried to reason with him.

Recently, I also realized what happened to me was abuse or borderline abuse. I also couldn't call it rape or sexual assault. But I noticed that websites for victims of sexual abuse and trauma, like Pandys and Rape Crisis Scotland, were some of the most helpful things I could read. I feel as though I can't post in "my story" because it's all so minor. But I have been finding it helpful to post elsewhere.

This thread is a really good reminder that it is never "too late" or "too soon" to get help, and there is no violation "too little" or "too big" to get help for.

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Oh how I needed this today. As more memories begin to surface and I struggle to accept what happened I tried to confide in my husband. I explained that for the first time ever in my life, all of the detached memories, emotions, and fears were beginning to make sense. His reply made me think I was delusional. He said he knows it never happened to me. I couldn't say anything else. I already struggle to accept my experiences and it did not help to realize the person I needed to understand the most could not comprehend my struggle.

So, although the original post is old, I am thankful for it. It has taken me years to reach the point where I can begin to accept as much as I can remember. His response thrust me backwards to where I want to disbelieve myself that much more. I want to move forward to where I can feel more whole and confident in myself. Maybe it would be different if my memories were complete and had never been hidden. I don't know. I just know I have been having more triggers and my lows are lower then before. But thankfully I have a good therapist who is helping me to pull out faster and to navigate through this journey.

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I'm becoming used to this "imaging things" response from people. I finally got up the nerve to report my ex for his abuse of me. The police spoke with him to set up an interview and the very next day he had filed for and been granted emergency custody of our 9 year old daughter who is also a victim. I am dealing with everyone saying that I imagined it, asked for it, deserved it, wanted and enjoyed it.... it's just so frustrating and scary.

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I've been in a very similar situation except when I left I didn't report it bc I thought the things that were happening even though some were deplorable were my duties. Also, my child was never harmed and we now have joint custody. I want to leave the state and start over but wo being able to take my daughter I am having trouble deciding what to do, as I am in a new relationship yet her father tries to control and manipulate me, in every aspect of my life... The sexual abuse has stopped but I'm still being beaten mentally.

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I agree and thanks for the post. It isn't the victims fault bc we were in the wrong place at the wrong time or bc we were unable to attain help or tell anyone at the time this is very common among us, the survivors of this type of abuse. Thank you all for sharing.

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Great response Shannon and so true... Therapist can sometimes fall short of their obligations but reluctantly we move forward.

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Molestation, date rape, marital rape, incest has all played a factor for me. I really got slot from this post. Thx

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Alot of what happened to me I never considered sa until recently. I never Knew that being forced to be uncomfortable in sexual Actaeon a marriage constitutes sexual assault, but it does. Great post very true...

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I need to be healed. I always put what happened to me on the back burner, but it's time to start healing so I can live a wonderful life with my amazing boyfriend

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I am new to this site and to this issue. I will begin exploring the threads, but I will ask that anyone who reads this - if you have suggestions for threads, resources, support groups, books etc - I welcome them.
I am in my 50s and newly married and have come to suspect that my husband was sexually abused as a child. I want to tread carefully as I provide a safe place for him and us to face this. This revelation just came today, so obviously I am pretty much completely ignorant. Thank you for allowing me to join. Peace and love to all.

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Glad to read this again today. Thanks, Jes.

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Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

I must admit, though, that I have a lot of concerns with what your therapist said, based on your post here.

We make hundreds of choices each day. Some are clearly good (wearing our seatbelt) and some are clearly bad (eating potato chips for lunch instead of an apple). But some choices we make end up being bad only because of an intervening factor. For instance, one day last summer I parked in the surface lot instead of a covered garage, on a day that happened to bring a huge hailstorm, and my car sustained $2,000 in damages. "How stupid," I thought. "If only I had parked in the garage."

But how was I to know that we'd get the worst hailstorm of the decade?

For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there.

While not all choices are "good" we have the right to make bad choices without anticipating someone else will take advantage of us and rape us. We have the right to have a drink or go on a walk through a park. But NO ONE has the right to rape us, ever, no matter what we say or do.

Princess, I don't know the full story. But in my book, someone using extortion to get sex sounds like rape to me. Would it survive legal muster? I don't know, that depends on the statute and definition of duress. But it seems to me like this guy saw that you were vulnerable and took horrible advantage of you.

Were there choices you could have made that would have protected you? Of course. You could have not gotten out of bed that day. You could have not moved to that town in the first place. You can spend an eternity making a list of the choices that would have saved you from being raped.

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

Thanks I needed this today

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Even if i tried not to post on this forum for a period of time , this post really hit me in the heart and i knew i just couldn't let it without write i want.

Everything i read was true, all these questions about "why didn't fight harder?" "why they did that to you? you were only a kid?" "it's time to forget it and move on" were all phrases for friends , family and T's. The same questions for something who yes, it happened almost eleven years ago, but i still feel scared , vulnerable, angry, in pain , more than ever. Yes, many yeara passed and perhaps i had to be okay by now and living my life but it's not that easy and saying something like that cause they have no idea about this thing or even worse minimizing your feelings and thoughts ... it's just awful.

I can understand someone who have no idea or don't want to hear about these things - it's not easy i know - but they can tell you from the beginning about how uncomfortable they feel instead of causing you mre pain, anxiety, disbelief. for something no one of us choose. I certainly didn;t choose to get raped at 6. God , i am so angry cause even if i don't care about others opinions , right now i have to take some huge desicions and i feel overhelmed by emotions cause i have to deal with these attitudes and questions everyday.

Ugh, sorry for my ranting here.

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