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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

When it first happened I didn't tell anyone. He made me feel like a complete idiot.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My mom says i'm lucky. She always tells me it could have been worse. What could be worse then having everything taken away from you? What could possibly be worse than having no control over your body? I understand other people have worse stories then mine, but I can't imagine feeling any worse then I do.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't trust anyone. I don't open up anymore. I don't really have any friends anymore.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, I was betrayed by someone I thought I loved. I'm not sure if I am really capable of loving anyone anymore.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I feel like a liar. I have a new boyfriend and part of me thinks I am only with him because he has been there in the past. I know I can trust him and I know he loves me. He is a safe choice. I'm terrified. I feel as though if I don't stay with him I will be alone forever. Who really wants to be alone? I don't. I'm miserable a lot.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I started to tell my mom, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth. She knows it started to happen but I told her it didn't go all the way. Before now, I have never told anyone it actually happened.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust my boyfriend. I don't trust myself though. I don't think I love him I feel as though I am using him. I feel terrible because he doesn't deserve it. He is so good to me, I just don't feel like I deserve him. I don't want to hurt him. I'm not good for him though. I don't think that I am good for anyone anymore.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I would say that my desire to just let the court come to their verdict without further involvement by me was silenced. I was told by my partner and his parents that if I valued the relationship and if I loved my partner, I would show up in court and tell the magistrate that I want the Apprehended Violence Order revoked.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My partner's parents told me I could trust and rely on them, that they love me as their own family. To later be told that their son's choice of actions are my fault and that I was the one who caused all this trouble was to have my trust, love and respect betrayed.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew from a lot of things. I would decline invitations to go out with my girl friends, I preferred my drawing class above all else because it was the one class where I could be left alone and concentrate on creating something instead of reliving flashbacks. I became uninterested in my studies and unmotivated; I went from credit-average student to crappy bare passes.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Agree. Because I feel like an idiot for having opened up and given my trust, hope and love. All my life I never wore my heart on my sleeve until I met my partner.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I thought I was getting better, but I see myself at the moment as someone who is quick to anger and irritation now. Maybe it's because I still haven't been able to forgive myself for not fighting back hard enough to get him off me, but whenever I have flashbacks to those memories I imagine reacting violently enough in response so that at least in those memories he didn't get to hurt me.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Most of my friends and family can't believe that it happened. I've been told that I'm too soft-hearted, too patient and too trusting. And of course, from his parents it's been nothing short of a "this whole thing is all your fault".

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't have a problem trusting anyone except guys who are interested in me. I guess I'm afraid that it's all going to be just another manipulative rouse. I don't really trust me either.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I think I have silenced myself more than I have been silenced, I for a long time was my own worst enemy so to speak. My first abuser, didn't as much silence me as tell me that what was taking place was normal, therefore I believed there wasn't anything to be silenced. He also though wouldn't allow me to cry, even if I had just scrapped my knee or whatever else, so I supposed that could also be considered silenced.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Betrayed. Well besides the typical high school drama and back stabbing that I think every teenage girl goes through, probably the biggest betrayal has come from my mother, a few times..

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Oh gosh, if only I could have been my own friend or family member. I had red flags everywhere. With OCD, eating disorders, self mutilation, anxiety. I have been a mess.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Hmm wow, this is one that can be talked about for probably hours. I have come to expect the worst from people because of my past, however I also try to give everyone a chance and benefit of the doubt. What if its not that relationships in general fail, what if instead its the relationships we choose. Abuse is often a vicious cycle, and often our narrative and our feelings of ourselves dont allow us to enjoy a good relationship. I may have to talk about this one again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Honestly some days are much better than others, and some days I am just ridiculously proud of myself but than there are days that are awful. I think that comes with everything thats taken place. I think Im on the right road to starting actually liking myself again though.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have only told less than a handful of people, and the people I chose to tell were ones I knew would either say nothing at all or not judge, so I have sort of controlled the experience I would have. I have yet to tell my story on this site, but Im sure that will be a graceful experience.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I always thought I trusted myself, but there wasn't anything to trust if that makes sense, I didn't have anything that told me that there was something wrong with a relationship or that I was being treated badly, so now that Im actually starting to have that, I do find myself second guess myself just because its something new. As far as other people, I do believe there is good in every heart, but I do indeed have many deep seeded trust issues.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

The only person that silenced me was myself. I blocked out my memories of my abuse until I was in my 30's.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I think that every adult in my family betrayed me in some way, for standing by while a whole generation of girls were sexually abused by one pedophile and 2 male cousins. I especially feel my mother was not ever there for me and she abused me emotionally and physically.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yep, I was the model student and daughter. Then I would SI and drink.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I completely agree with this statement. I have no real relationships in my life, and I constantly struggle with this. I cannot make connections with people because I am so closed off. I am so afraid of intimacy, abandonment, and for someone to see the real (rotten) me I keep a protective wall around my heart.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I finally see that I need people, I need connections and I need people to see the real me. Before I just thought I didn't need anyone, that I could through my whole life without needing anyone.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The first person I told was my therapist, her reaction was perfect, I couldn't ask for a better reaction. I then told my cousin, my husband, and one friend. It was a mixed bag. My cousin was great, my husband...getting better. When I shared with my friend she just kind of walked away. That bothered me so after a bit I said that she hurt me with her silence, and I need her to be there for me. One year ago I would have just cut her out and never talked to her again. So that was a big step for me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

In general I do not trust anyone. I am learning to trust but very selectively. I am taking small steps. I am also working on trusting myself, by quitting drinking and SI'ing I have come a long way toward trusting myself.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My first attacker told me if I told anyone he would kill me. My second attacker told me he would "make it so I couldn't make the same mistake again". I have told a couple of my closest friends, and my current boyfriend, but no one else. This month is the 5 year anniversary and I always told myself I would tell my family when it had been 5 years, but I don't think I will be able to. I think my mother and sister know something happened, but don't know what exacly.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

On the 3 year anniversary of my second attack, I told one of my friends I was upset about it. She told me to get over it, because that kind of thing happens to people all the time and it was no big deal. I also quit talking to the other 2 people I told about it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I have withdrawn completely from my friends, and 5 years later it is still the same. Immediately after the attacks, I spent most of my time locked in my room and didn't talk to people, and quit eating. I dropped down to about 95 pounds, and am just now starting to get back to where I should be. I have tried stopping the withdrawing, but it is so hard to get back to the outgoing bubbly person I was before everything happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I used to believe that, I always assumed that every guy I dated wanted that same thing. It was only recently that I have realized not everyone is like that. I have been dating the same man for 2 and a half years now and it was within the last few months I began to accept he isn't out to hurt me that same way.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I am growing stronger every day, but I have noticed that every few months, it regresses and I fall into a deep depression and withdraw from everyone and everything. Someone told me that if you don't report the crime right away, you can still press charges up to 5 years later. July 1st was the 5 year mark for my first attack, and September 11th is the 5 year mark for the second attack. I feel like that will be a huge milestone, and I am afraid that if its not, I will be disappointed and fall into that depression again. I think I always looked at this year as being the time it would stop affecting me and I would be over it completely, and I'm starting to realize that most likely won't be the case.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I told 3 of my friends, but none of the details. My first attack was by the brother of one of those friends, we don't talk anymore; friend two was best friends with that friend, so I don't talk to her anymore. The second attack was the best friend of friend three. We don't talk anymore either. But I also told the man I am currently dating, and he has been completely supportive of it. I sometimes have night terrors, and will scream and cry in the middle of the night. Everytime I do, he will wake me up and hold me close and talk me through it. I haven't had an episode like that in over a year, thanks to him. He has been such a huge help in me getting through this.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I'm learning. I have realized I don't trust strangers, or other girls. I always assume girls are going to stir things up and start drama, as that's what the girls I told did. But I seem to trust men that I knew before the attacks more than anyone now. As for trusting myself, not at all. I am constantly wondering about ways to hurt myself. I have never acted on any of it, but that is where my mind usually is. I have also noticed I haven't been wanting to eat as much, and I'm afraid I am also falling back to my eating disorder.

I have a lot of work to do.

Answering these questions has helped a lot.

Thank you so much for posting them.

((hugs))

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

speech impediment took care of that.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

i don't want to blame the other victims, i dont know anyone else specifically but someone had to have suspected something

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

i had a lot of anger and withdrew a lot, one or two suicide attempts when i was younger

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

it's true for me, i can't connect with anybody deeply at any level

5. How do you see yourself now?

really hollow and empty,

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

only online a couple of times, no one i know in real life knows

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

i trust my self in certain aspects, i dont trust anyone

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was not specifically silenced by someone with regards to my abuse; I was silenced by my own sweet naïveté. I was silenced indirectly by the illusion that it was all a game, so I did not tell for games are surely not bad things.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No, unless you count my mother snooping trough my papers a couple months ago and discovering that I had been abused. I was not ready for that conversation.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Not at the time, being only around eight years old, but now my self-harm is a way of expressing that my life is not and never has been perfect. I try not to do it, but...

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Whose conviction is this? I do not agree with it, for I know of many families who are happy and whole and untouched and lasting and honest.

5. How do you see yourself now?

As a teenager questioning their gender, who constantly acts a part for the sake of others, even though with every passing day the lines become more complex, the play more intense, the meaning fades away.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

My mother knows about my abuse as she snooped through my things; as you can imagine, this is a very negative experience for me. I do not want her to know about what happened. And others? I think I would be comfortable telling a stranger, but not a friend, and I would not say that it was my brother who abused me. I have forgiven him, and don't want people to hold it against him (however, if he ever has children I like to think I would tell his partner about what he once did to me, in case there is a risk of more).

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust some, maybe even most, other people, with the exception of my mother. I trust my stepfamily and my siblings and my family at church. I trust them more than I trust myself.

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After you guys were sexually assaulted did anyone repress the memory? I did that and I know that it happens, but I don't get why I did it. I know obviously I wanted it to have not happened. IT was a guy I was dating and I kept seeing him and I couldn't figure out why I was so angry and hated him even touching my foot. He disgusted me and annoyed me. It wasn't until my mom asked me why I was so angry that it all came back to me. I was just wondering if anyone else experienced the same thing??

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My husband is a wonderful man but hes very sexual it is nice he wants me but annoying as hell when he grabs me. I told him I cant stand it when he grabs me or pinches my lower butt area. I cringe everytime. He thinks its because I dont want him. I feel like crap having to explain it has nothing to do with him. I cant stand it when people talk sexually all the time or have references all the time. The other day I was sleeping and evidently my husband was frisky but I was asleep. I didnt realize it until next day. I started to yell at him and was almost hitting him for touching me. I thought it was a dream and I was protecting myself. How do we get passed this so our loved ones dont suffer? I feel broken and damaged because intimacy is hard for me even though its been since 2004. Its embarrasing. I used to be care free and fun. Now im a shell compared to my old me.

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1. Yes and no. My drink was spiked by a guy I had stopped seeing at our work Christmas party and he intended to rape me but by a fluke, someone else, a coworker, did. I didn't realize until about a week later exactly what happened. The guy I had been seeing texted me days later asking what happened and how I felt the next day. It was weird. When I did after two more texts from him tell him my drink was spiked, he made it sound like he didn't believe it happened. The next day he wouldn't stop texting me, basically asking to hookup. I clearly told him I was not interested and that unrelated, something bad happened to me that night and I wouldn't be seeing anyone. He didn't care. Instead he kept texting me and stood outside my apartment for at least 10 minutes. At first, I just thought he didn't believe me and then I realized he probably did it. But I still question it and think that maybe he didn't do it and that I'm just crazy. Other than that my roommate heard me throwing up and having sex with the guy who raped me. I don't think she believes me and I don't feel like I can say much around her. But I think it's because she doesn't want to think she heard what happened and didn't do anything. Not that she could have known. But all my friends I have told have believed me and been supportive.

2. Again, yes and no. I had been seeing this older guy for a few months. Then about a month before it all happened, I decided I wasn't interested. I just didn't like him anymore and all he wanted was sex. I think because he wasn't okay with me being done with him, he spiked my drink and intended to take advantage. He might have at the bar but I'm not sure. Then, like I said, by a fluke I took this other coworker home. I don't really recall at all. So he probably didn't know my drink was spiked and I had no idea what was going on. Either he was too drunk to realize I wasn't able to consent or he knew and didn't care. I'm not sure which it was.

3. Yes. I used to deal with things by numbing myself so I didn't feel anything. I also used to cut. I know I shouldn't do those things and I have not. But it has made it difficult to know what to do and I have tried my best not to hide my feelings because I feel like it will only hurt me more. So I haven't been myself at work. I have been quiet and I don't want to talk to anyone. (Thankfully, I had left that job right before the party and am no longer working there. So my current job is different but I had been doing both jobs for about 1 1/2months.)

4. I disagree. It is exceedingly hard for me to believe that romantic relationships can last or that I will find someone who actually loves and cares about me. I am 23 and have never had a boyfriend. Not one. My first negative experience was when I was 15 and a trusted family friend who was like my brother became interested in me inappropriately. He didn't molest or rape me but things were getting close. That and lesser experiences made me reluctant to be in a relationship. I was not in a relationship with the guy I was seeing, the one who spiked my drink, but it was the closest I have been to that. Before all this happened and I was done with being with him, I felt I learned a lot. I learned what I wanted and what I didn't and also about things I needed to deal with to be able to be in a healthy and happy relationship. And those things still stand. Everything that occurred happened about two weeks ago. Last week I went out on a date with someone I met before this. He's nice and funny. I have to stop seeing him because I know I'm not okay and that it isn't fair to him and I don't want to set myself back but I know he is a good guy. Once I have dealt with what happened to me, I do believe I will be with someone and it will be positive. But I understand the feeling that you have that you are only good for abuse. I'm familiar with it. I have had other things happen and they happen over and over again or so it seems. I feel sometimes that it must be something that I am doing. I don't know. There are a lot of horrible people but there are good ones too.

5. This is a tricky question. Everything happened less than two weeks ago. I don't know. I'm not me. Sometimes I'm fine and happy and other times all I want to do is cry or sleep. It confuses me but I'm pretty sure it's normal. I guess I haven't really accepted it. In bad moments, I see myself as a victim and I blame myself. I think my reactions are crazy and that I just need to deal and move on. In good, I see that this is really recent and that I'm a "survivor" and I have to give myself time. In those moments, I also see how it can and will make me stronger.

6. Yes, I have. I used to, with other things, bottle things up inside and pretend I was okay by numbing myself. I know that is a bad coping mechanism and I also know that in this case, it would eat me up inside. The day I woke up next to the coworker who raped me, I was confused, delusional, and disoriented so I did what I would do, I went to work. I had lunch plans with a coworker and I was not okay. I ended up telling her. She was supportive but she doesn't quite get it or know how to respond and we're not super close. Then that night I had to tell a friend. I got a hold of two. One, my best friend since I was nine, has been very supportive and really wants to be there. The other is very supportive as well but doesn't quite get it. I feel like I have to make sure she is okay. And she says things like telling me to watch how much I'm drinking, which really isn't helpful. I didn't drink too much. I was drugged. Then I told two other close friends because I needed to before I saw them. They both reacted wonderfully. They are so supportive. Both wanted to immediately come see me. I only saw one because today I was too tired and not up to seeing the other. I do worry about telling my sisters. I think it'll be fine though. I know I won't tell my parents. They would believe me but they didn't believe my sister. But as far as the trust issues that you mention, I used to have a lot of trust issues. It isn't as much about not trusting other people, it's more about about not trusting yourself or it was in my case. I'm really lucky because I have wonderful friends who want nothing more than to be there. But I'm not sure how easy it is going to be for me to trust men. I think that is something that I'm can't judge yet.

7. Another tricky question. In bad moments, I don't trust myself at all. I think that it is my fault that I have had so many horrible experiences. I feel that I must be doing something wrong for everything to happen and that I'm lucky that this is the first (maybe second since I don't recall) time I was raped. In good moments, I know that I am usually a good judge of character and no one is perfect and I'll be better next time. As far as other people, I trust my friends. I do still trust people I think. I'm not sure what I feel about trusting men. I know some can be trusted but I think it's too early for me to completely know.

Edited by Brie

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Kellie,

Thanks for starting this thread. I enjoy them a lot!

Here are my answers:

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was a little girl when I was raped, by my stepbrother he said I would get in trouble if I told. I didn't talk about it for 10 years...

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you?

(In relation to your abuse?)

I didn't tell anyone for 10 years.. Not really people jus don't understand

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about

your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing, etc).

I had terrible depression, anxiety, binge eating.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that

relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor

expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why

or why not?

Kind of, it's jus hard to trust people and feel comfortable in a realtionship.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Confused, full of anxiety

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What

have your experiences been like?

Yes I have told a few people which felt good so people can actually understand why I'm so depressed and I can actually tell then about how I feel

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Not really

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Kellie,

Thanks for starting this thread. I enjoy them a lot!

Here are my answers:

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was a little girl when I was raped, by my stepbrother he said I would get in trouble if I told. I didn't talk about it for 10 years...

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you?

(In relation to your abuse?)

I didn't tell anyone for 10 years.. Not really people jus don't understand

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about

your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing, etc).

I had terrible depression, anxiety, binge eating.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that

relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor

expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why

or why not?

Kind of, it's jus hard to trust people and feel comfortable in a realtionship.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Confused, full of anxiety

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What

have your experiences been like?

Yes I have told a few people which felt good so people can actually understand why I'm so depressed and I can actually tell then about how I feel

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Not really

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