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Hey, I post these questions from time to time on ripplebacktome. They are just some questions I get from the books I have read.** I thought I would post them here too. I noticed that the courage to heal exercises get a lot of good feedback so maybe they can work here. I hope these help.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

5. How do you see yourself now?

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?


hope to hear from everyone!

Kellie


** I come up with my questions from the books "The Courage to Heal" and "The Wounded Heart" let me know if you have any questions about either book!

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Here are my answers! (I do them too!)


1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Well of course my first abuser did a lot. But I think that since he made me feel like it was "normal" I thought I was the weird one. Then when I got older and wanted to tell people I got the message "oh I don't want to think that happens" a lot.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Well my first abuser had 5 people helping him, all of which I thought were my friends. That is a pretty big blow to one's mindset. Then other then my couple other incidents. My best friend in high school who told me "oh Kellie you are just overreacting its just boys being boys!" um ok and then my ex who told me that I could have prevented my harassement had I not been so weak. Weak, insecure and stuck in the past I think were all of his points.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew. I stopped going outdoors, I stopped feeling, I just changed. When I got older and really started to deal with it I stopped eating, worked out constantly, became obsessed with learning about sexual assaults. I was just determined to figure out why this happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I picked this out of the book becuase I thought how true it is. I am instantly co-dependant in my relationships. I really dislike it because I feel used but I can't say anything. I feel I'm only good for abuse. (Long line of bad relationships to prove it!) I'm doing better though I am begininning to see a bad relationship before I am too involoved.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I'm so much better than I was even 6 months ago. But I tell you what I can't help but be amazed at how much I have grown in the past three years. I can actually see myself as strong, as brave, as the mature woman I have turned out to be.(despite my ex)

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes, I have told many people. My first public speaking was at a conference for crisis volunteers. It was kinda creepy all these people staring at me. But it was a learning experience. I have told a lot of people since. I don't share the details but thats my choice. So far my experiences have been mostly good, barring the occasional "you're overreacting".

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Beginning to. I think I will always have a problem. But my inherant mistrust of people is pretty deeply rooted. Could be why I don't share the details of my assault. No one I can trust with them. (Hmm just made that point for the first time.....) Anyway I'm trying. I guess I trust myself but then again I don't let myself get too involved to really allow myself to feel. I can't even tell my sister I was abused. I am ending now becuase I need to ponder this.

Kellie

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How? I was silenced by my father, he threatened to kill my mother if I told anyone

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) yes, my mother, she didn't believe me when I told her of the abuse

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
yes, withdrawing, perfectionism, depression, fear of men
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
yes, when you are hurt by someone you trust, how can you trust someone else
5. How do you see yourself now? as a survivor, still stuggling though

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
haven't told many in real life, fear of how they will react
7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I have a hard time trusting others, not such a hard time trusting self though

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Kellie,

Thanks for starting this thread. I enjoy them a lot!

Here are my answers:

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
 
Tried to be silenced by someone. My rapist's father told
me to forget about going to the authorities and just  
marry his son...what an #######. My abuse as a child, well, my grandfather used to pay me and buy me what I wanted in order to keep my mouth shut.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you?
(In relation to your abuse?)

My father and brother did not believe me. As a result,
I lost contact with them.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about  
your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing, etc).

I withdrew from people. I wanted to be alone, so I stayed
home all the time. Barely ate, barely went out (other
than going to work) and completely stopped calling
people.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that
relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor  
expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why
or why not?

Agreeing with skyler, I was hurt by someone I cared for,loved and trusted. It's hard to trust again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Strong and empowered. The abuse changed my life   completely.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What  
have your experiences been like?

I've only spoken about it with people whom I am close to.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I do not trust anyone anymore. However, I do trust
myself.


Little Sunshine

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I have been silenced by almost everyone that I have ever told about what happened.  My ex, and main abuser just engrained it in my head that no one cared and nothing I said was worth the breath I used to say it.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In
relation to your abuse?)
Yes.  My parents, my (Ex) boyfriend John, my abusers family with whom I was very close.  The list could go on to include most of the friends I have ever had, but I'll refrain.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words
about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I did drugs, lots and lots of drugs.  I clung to "safe friends" and slept with any guy who looked at me twice.  I think it was pretty obvious that something was wrong.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction
that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted,
nor expected to last" Do you agree with that
statement? Why or why not?

I agree, basically because it has done that to me.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I am stronger than I have ever been, but still have soooooo far to go.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse?

Yes, so many people online.  I told my family about my last rape, but still haven't gotten the courage to tell them about the years of abuse that preceded it.

What have your experiences been like?

Terrible, my family has basically said that they think I'm lying, and my boyfriend chose to break up with me after five years.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

do I trust others?  most of the time oddly enough.  Do I trust myself? Absolutely


(((((hugs)))))

Laney

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Thanks Kellie for the exercise, for me it helps.....so thanks..(((hugs)))

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I was silenced by my best friend at the time. Everytime i wanted or needed to talk she told me to shut up and that she didnt want to hear it anymore. When i told her i didnt think my no was loud enough she automatically thought i was lying. In her eyes it was my fault...always will be sadly.


2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) Well we can go bac to #1..she was my very best friend, i dont understand it still so i have tried to stop understanding it. I dont have much choice. I have had my brother betray me and call me names, cause he knew it would hurt me. I have many a friend turn their back on me...

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) I told a few friends, some didnt catch on. One said "ph yeah" well that happends to everyone...hey it may but she wasnt open to it so i stopped. I told a friend to stay away from someone because i just knew...and i gave her my reason as to why she now looks at me differ. All my friends say that someone said i deserved it, they dont ever say hey dona no you didnt, that this girl is full of shit. That hurts...cause i am there for them and then some. Geez, another friend i told her about it and in many cases she has "told me" that those girls deserve it, maybe she doesnt recall i was raped too...

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?It depends on the betrayl, i will not ever be in the same room again with my rapist. He was a very good friend of mine that knew me quite well and as a child watched me grow up and mature. Still raped me.....i couldnt. Somethings i can forgive within ppl, if they hurt me but it takes time. Somethings just can not be forgiven..just me.

5. How do you see yourself now? I am stronger now, i have stood by myself completely. I used to fear that, but i did it and i am still here. Much stronger than ever. Though at times i feel and see myself as too strong to express my pain, so in someways that is bad. I protect ppl, i want to heal everyone,guess i should start with me first but i cant right yet.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? My experiences are up above...I told my bros exwife when they were married, got shitted on, i told my sisters husband but because of other instances we after almost 3 yrs have just begun speaking again. My brother has called me a sl*ut and other suggest names, the other 2 think i should be over it all by now, even if it was my first time and just ####. My sis speaks nothing of it she cant...my mom speaks toooooooo much of it and that hurts me badly, but she doesnt see that. My dad is just my buddy...he says nothing but yet understands. My friends around me do not and will not ever know. Im very afraid to tell anyone else...

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

It has taken me ions to trust. Some ppl earn it real fast while others i will give them years and i still dont think i can trust them completely.

Do i trust me...sometimes. Sometimes i fear me, with what goes and has gone through my head. Sometimes i am the only person i can trust and that is equally as scary.

Well i see i needed to say that stuff.....thanks again kellie for the exercise. ((((((many hugs to all))))))

Donna =)

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1. I am silenced by my abusers

2. only them , and people from a clinic i was in, who knew a little, and they were awfull towards me...they call themselves counselors..well the #### with them!

3. As a kid i was always angry towards others, even my family, no contact with others, withdrew, scratching myself, at the age of 10 i develloped an eating disorder, when i was 12/13 i got anorexia, when i was just 16 i ended up in hospital..by starvinfg myself, ended up on IC.
well, what else, psychiatric wards, clinics, trying to kill myself several times... and now i am here..19 yrs old.

4. I can never thrust people without being afraid..

5.The problem is, i don't see myself as anything..i hate myself..

6.People in the clinic knew few, and here online..

7.It is hard to thrust others, because people break it..i absolutely do not thrust myself..

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
 
Yes- by myself, by fear of him and by the sheame of what had happened.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My best friend knew what was happening, and did nothing to help me.  I don't know why, but I think she lead me into it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Withdrawing... Bulimia Atheletica, later cutting and inability to be intimate without seeing *his* face...

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Disagree- just because i was betrayed by one friend doesn't mean that another will.  One jerk shouldn't ruin the world for you.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Stronger, angrier, regretably violent at times.  Inside I feel like a shattered mirror.  I can see in the pieces who I was, but I'll never be able to put it back together completelly... something's always missing.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I began to talk about it 5 years after it happened.  I began to become "traditionally" bulimic soon thereafter.  It's a seance for a ghost that should have been left dead.  Once it spoke, it never stopped haunting me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?  

Others?  some.  Myself?  who else can I trust?

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was silenced by him...he threatend to kill me, if I told.
One day when getting off the bus from school I was attacked by some of his friends as a reminder to keep quiet.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I was dating this guy a long while ago, who I had told of the rape and he began to try to manipulate our relationship...became rough in bed, possesive of me and where I was, who I was with...I got out of the relationship pretty quick after he changed.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I began partying heavily, drinking, drugs, staying out all night and not coming home, skipping school...until finally dropping out, running away...until, finally leaving home at 17.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I used to agree with that, until I met my current boyfriend (who I have been with for 8 years) and he taught me that he is NOT my rapist, that I CAN be loved and CAN love in return. That I CAN be trusted and CAN trust him. It's been VERY hard, but I have gotten there.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I am stronger than ever since facing the rape head on...through counseling, you guys, my family. I have finished school, am planning on going on to college...I'm going to BE somebody...I'm going to beat him at the haunting game he has been playing with me for the past 13 years.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Not who I want to tell...my Mom. I'm having such a hard time with that.
My boyfriend does know, my sister and a few very personal friends. As far as they are all concerened, they are nothing short of wonderful and supportive.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Yes, I am trusting more and more as time goes by.
Trust myself? That's about all I know I can.

Love~
Di

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Thanks for the questions....I needed to 'face' the answers

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I'm not sure that it was 'someone' in general,
but I know that the fear of rejection and of
being seen as 'bad' definitely kept me silenced
for years...sometimes it still does.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Family.  I was 'forced' to tell my parents when
I was in the hospital when I was 16, they cried,
told me that they knew my brother was capable
of it and then forgot about it....never mentioned
it again.  When I mentioned it over 10 years
later,they thought I was 'delirious' until they
went back to my 'medical notebook' and saw that
they wrote it down...." Oh, ok I guess it
happened, we wrote it down when you told us"
The time before that I had to mention it in a physical....when the question was asked my
Mom instantly answered "Never" for me and
when I said.."uh, yes I was" she asked by
who and then said....oh yeah.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I became dependent on others for validation,
went through  times with alcohol, drugs,
cutting myself, terrible relationships, sex
with anyone who 'told' me I was ok,the patterns
of failure, very dangerous situations, extreme
depression, hospitalizations....yep,
I was screaming to be heard.  

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I absolutely agree.  My life has been a series
of 'groups' I've hung around.  Here for a bit,
just until they get to know me a bit and then
time to bail.  I wanted to bail before they
could when they realized who I 'really' was.
When you bail enough you run out of places
to go.  I am working my butt off right now
to trust in a 'healthy' relationship....it's
the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  

5. How do you see yourself now?
Scared, but willing.  There's a lot of work
yet to be done, but I'm not cutting, drinking,
sexing etc.  I'm walking though...sometimes
like a child, sometimes with the grace of a woman.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
When I started telling people, I got various
reactions.  I began to be able to gauge how
others might react.  For a time I told anyone
who was willing to listen,so they could tell
me I was 'ok' but it was always
as if I was reading it from a book.  Now,
in the midst of pain I tell those
close enough to me to be affected by it.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
On a logical, intellectual level I can
discern and trust appropriately.  On an
emotional, gut level....again, it is the
hardest thing I've ever worked on.  There are times
when I'm like a child, trusting because I so
badly want them to be trustworthy or to validate me,
when anyone gets close enough though, it
becomes a fight within to trust.
Trusting myself....hmm...Yes, if I'm
walking in healing....no, if I'm trying
to 'avoid' it.

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Ok, I have been putting it off, but I need to face this.

    1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

           well, yes sort of.  my myself.  I was afraid of  my parents finding out that I had been "bad" .

     2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In  relation to your abuse?)

          not really.  

     3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words    about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

          yes perfectionism, withdrawing and suicide attempts

     4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

           Yes, but I believe that is is possible that there are people/ relationships that can be trusted.  my husband and I have been close for 8+ years, I trust him and I believe it will last, but I am afraid that I could mess things up and he will leave me.  I don't seem to keep friend very long nor make friends easily.  

    5. How do you see yourself now?

           Weak.  I was so strong when I was denying and supressing all of this.  Now I feel like I am about to break  into tiny pieces.  I think that I am close to the line of break through or break down.

     6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse?  What have your experiences been like?

       I have only "told" my husband and my best friend.  I could not bring my self to say the words.  I wrote  them down  for my husband.  And my best friend "guessed" what I  was trying to say.

       My parents suspect what happened occured.  They found out during a group family counceling session while another victim was telling her story.  There were three of us cryng.  She, another and I.  I refused to say any thing they kept badgering me.  Why are you crying? what happened?  I ran out of the room to the bathroom and composed myself.  When I came back Mom was herassing the counciler on why she "had not pushed me for answers"

     7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

         I do not trust others and I do not trust myself.

                     

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
They threatened me to keep quite but I told on them the other one I didn't tell on was because I was scared of him I didn't know who he was or where he lived so telling wouldn't help me.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
yes at my old school when people found out I had been raped they spread false rumors about me and kids who I thought were my friends were the ones starting the rumors.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
first one I just stayed to myself hid my cuts and bruises and wrote about it in my diary. The others I reported right away.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
disagree because I have a b/f that knows what happend I trust him and he is very supportive :) infact other then my cousin he is the only one that supports me.

5. How do you see yourself now?
still have alot to deal with and don't always like myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have told people because I pressed charges I've had people call me a liar people who have been on myside.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I sometimes trust others it takes awhile for me to trust someone but I had trust issues long before I was ever raped so that may not be the result of being raped. I sometimes don't trust myself because I have tried to kill myself many times.

HollyAnn
[email=TigerCat016@aol.com]TigerCat016@aol.com[/email]

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Were you silenced by someone? how?  Over and over. I was silenced by my mother who told me not to discuss it, to get over it, to not bring shame on the family.  I was silenced by myself because I was ashamed.  I was silenced by the some neighborhood friends when word got round from my ex-bestfriend and they stopped hanging around. this confirmed for me the belief that others would see me as "dirty" and "less"

Have others besides the abuser betrayed you?  My mother betrayed me by telling me it was my own fault. A woman from my church and my ex-best friend betrayed me by telling the world without my permission. My mother betrayed me by telling the one person I asked her not to. The police betrayed me by acting as if things like that didn't happen in our nice neighborhood.  I was betrayed by someone i thought was a friend, but only felt sorry for me, and couldn't see my as a real person instead of just the victim.

Sorry, brings back some feelings...that's all i can do for now.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Well my brother was the one that did it to me. I must have been three, and I didn't know what was happening so I don't think he had to say anything to me (I just started remembering the abuse a month ago so I don't remember much about it).

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No, I've only told my best friend so far.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Last year I almost became anorexic. I couldn't figure out why I was becoming like that, I thought it was over this good guy friend who I thought was sexually harassing me. It turns out it was over the abuse. I only told my best friend.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I couldn't trust "John", a guy I've known since I was 9 (I'm 15, he's 18).
I would constantly push him away from me, when he could see I was hurting and was only trying to help. (I've pushed all other men away from me. I couldn't trust ANY men and I never knew why.)

I thought he was sexually harassing me. I talked to my youth pastor about it (We go to the same church) and he talked to John.
Well John flipped out because he said he hadn't done anything to me. I know now that he wasn't doing anything to me, he reminded me of my brother (The guy that did it to me) and in the back of my mind I was punishing him for what my brother did.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I see myself as I never wanted to; broken, and hardly making it. But I'm doing alot better now, even in a months time I can tell the difference. I don't even know how I've made it all these years being so hard...

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The one so far has been good. The next one I hope will go as well.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust women, and I'm starting to trust men. It's very hard to realize I was wrong all these years about... well ALOT.
I'm starting to find myself, or like Lifehouse says "I'm finding my way back to sanity again, though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there."

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How? Yes.  They told me not to tell -- begged me not to tell, not to get them in trouble.  One of them threatened to hurt me again if I told, and they said it was their word against mine.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) A teacher, whom I told as the abuse escalated.  He refused to do anything about it.  My mother, in a way.  I tried to tell her, but she just wouldn't hear me.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) First anorexia, then compulsive weight gain and gorging.  Also self injury (battering), lots of moodiness, and through stories and poetry.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? Absolutely.  It took years for me to be able to welcome interaction with anyone.  I was completely solitary, even within my marriage.

5. How do you see yourself now? As someone who is healing.  I'm still tender, but I'm getting better.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? I told my hubby, my sister and my friend.  For the most part, it has gone well.  My husband doesn't want to get involved with my healing and that hurts.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
More now than before.  There are some people I trust completely, and others I'm just opening up to.  I've always had trouble trusting because the abusers were my friends.

Thanks Kellie -- I think I've gained some insight here.
Amy

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1.Were you silenced by someone? How?  

I never believed that anyone would believe.  HE always got mad when I didn’t do what he wanted and would make life harder.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  

I had the most important (at the time) person in my life tell me he didn’t think it was rape BECAUSE I didn’t tell him anything besides that I was raped...that’s so nuts...like he really wanted to hear the details

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)  

I can’t stand to do something...I was really good at avoiding triggering things even before I started remembering the rape.  I also don’t worry about my weight...I think I look pretty good but I could loose some of it but it keeps away the creeps so why bother

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?  

No one sticks forever....people come and people go.  Sometimes they really think they care but when the chips are down I can only count on me.  I can’t trust that others will be there.  I went into and came out of surgery by myself 2 months ago...the only person that would have been able to have been there was my verbally abusive father and that wouldn’t have helped.  I just wanted one good friend to be there to hug me and let me cry but none of them could make it happen.  That’s the way people are...when it really counts your on your own.

5. How do you see yourself now?  

Alone.  A warrior in a war no one else is fighting.  But I will continue to fight even with no one at my side I refuse to be kept silent

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  

A good friend (female) first after she asked what HE did to me...it went ok.  My b-friend (during the time the memories came back)...it went not so good as in answer to question 2.  Another good friend(female)...she’s so cool, I can talk to her about it with out things getting strange.  Female cop (also co-worker)...she’s been great, too late to report it but its good to know a cop agrees that it was rape.  My mother...not good, first thing she said ‘was it someone you knew?’ Only told her because I’m starting to speak out and thought it best she heard it from me.  Old high school friend(male-have had sexual relationship with)...really well, he knows I’m the same person and treats me like it.  On April 16th I will be telling 2 classes of Freshmen at the high school about rape...education is the only way to stop it:)

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust some I know well not to hurt me physically but I don’t think I trust anyone emotionally.  The guy that raped me used the L word to control me, then had a relationship go down the tubes in part because of the rape.  I just don’t trust people to really care about me...so far they have all walked away with out a fight when things get hard. I trust myself:)

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1.Were you silenced by someone? How?
Yes, but not verbally, I just knew that I wasn’t to tell. Think it was the way he looked at me. When I grew older I knew it would destroy my Mum so I still kept it a secret.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Yes, my husband, although he believed me said he had no strong feelings about the abuse and when he eventually left me he went to stay with my Dad!
A cousin who I told last year in confidence then went on to tell other members of the family.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
Looking back yes, I was incredibly withdrawn, I do remember pretending to be sick at school quite a lot so I could sit in the sick room, think that was a cry for help too. As I grew older I slept with anyone who smiled at me!

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
Yes, unfortunately abuse changes your attitude to life, in particular close relationships. I have found trust to be the biggest hurdle to get over, but I’m getting there slowly.

5. How do you see yourself now?
Amazing!
In five years, from having no education, I now work in a primary school teaching IT, and I have just begun a psychology degree.
I really can’t believe that I have grown into the woman I am today.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I firstly told a couple of close friends, this was a very positive experience as they have been very supportive and continue to be so.
I spoke to an auntie last week, my Dad’s sister, she found out through the cousin who blabbed!  She was abused by her father, my Grandfather. We stayed up all night talking, laughing and drinking far too much!
I have found out through her that the rest of her siblings (eleven of them) don’t believe her or think that it should have been left in the past!
Needless to say I won’t be talking to them!

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I find it very difficult to trust, I am beginning to trust some people, but not all the time, if you get me?
But I most definitely trust myself!

Suzy X

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I AM GOING TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THESE.  IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO BE HONEST BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY AND THOUGHTS THAT I FIND SHAMEFUL. PLEASE DON'T HATE ME IF YOU READ THIS, ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK ANYONE REALLY WILL READ IT SINCE IT'S SO FAR DOWN ON THE POST LIST.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How? I DON'T REALLY THINK I WAS EVER SILENCED BY ANYONE.  MY DAD DID THOSE THINGS TO ME UNDER THE GUISE OF 'GETTING ME CLEAN' AFTER MY BATH.  AT 7 YRS OLD I FELT REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT BEING TOUCHED LIKE THAT BY MY DAD 'DOWN THERE', BUT I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT, I THINK MAINLY BECAUSE I WAS A REALLY HAPPY KID, BUT SOMETIMES TENDED TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT IMPORTANT THINGS. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) YES. MY BOYFRIEND HAD SEX WITH ME THE OTHER NIGHT AFTER I WENT TO HIS HOUSE SPECIFICALLY TO GIVE HIM A BIT OF MY CSA BACKGROUND.  HE TOTALLY DISREGARDED MY FEELINGS THAT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, AND TALKING ABOUT THE SEXUAL ABUSE HAD LEFT ME FEELING VERY 'MEMORY-ISH' AND CRAPPY. BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY. WHAT A PR*CK.

Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) YEAH, I TURNED TO CUTTING.  NOT BAD TO WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WOULD NOTICE, BUT SOMETIMES I WISHED THEY WOULD.  AND PANIC ATTACKS, HOPING SOMEONE WOULD NOTICE HOW UNHAPPY AND SCREWED UP I WAS.  THAT WAS MY JUNIOR AND SENIOR YRS. IN HIGH SCHOOL. I REMEMBER BEING CALLED TO THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE BY MISTAKE, THEY WERE LOOKING FOR A HEATHER MITCHELL INSTEAD OF A HEATHER MICHELE (ME), AND I REMEMBER THINKING, I CAME SO CLOSE TO A FRIENDLY CONFIDANTE! PLEASE OH PLEASE ASK ME WHAT IS WRONG. PLEASE SEE IT IN MY FACE THAT I'M HURTING, PLEASE BE A MIND-READER!  I LEFT THE OFFICE WITHOUT SAYING A WORD ABOUT IT.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? YES.  I HAVE EVIDENCE OF THIS FROM TWO NIGHTS AGO.  HOW DEPRESSING, HUH?

5. How do you see yourself now? AS A PERSON WHO IS FLIGHTY AND SOMETIMES IMPULSIVE SOMETIMES NOT. AS A PERSON WHO IS IN NEED OF SOMEONE SYMPATHIZING WITH ME, FOR SOME REASON MAYBE BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THAT ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE SQUIRT! HE HE..

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  YES.  I'VE TOLD MANY PEOPLE LATELY.  MY COUNSELOR IS OK WITH ME TALKING ABOUT IT.  UM..I REALLY HAVE TO RESIST THE URGE TO MAKE MY SITUATION SEEM MORE DRAMATIC THAN IT IS, SIMPLY BECAUSE I FEEL THAT MY ABUSE IS NOT SEVERE ENOUGH TO WARRANT ME BEING SO UPSET AND PSYCHO ABOUT IT.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?  I'M WEIRD.  I KNOW OTHERS WILL PROBABLY LET ME DOWN, BUT I TRUST THEM THINGS LIKE MY MONEY, MY TIME, RELYING ON THEM TO WAKE ME UP FOR CLASS SOMETIMES.  WHEN THEY FAIL TO BE THERE FOR ME, I BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT BEING LESS TRUSTING.  HUMAN BEINGS ARE FALLIBLE, THEY WILL LET YOU DOWN, ONLY GOD CAN BE TRUSTED, EVEN THOUGH IT'S USUALLY VERY HARD TO TRUST HIM EITHER.  I HAVE TO HAVE FAITH HERE.

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1.Were you silenced by someone? How?  

I tried to talk about it I think 2x. But the other person didn't respond well,or didn't understand/ want to hear it.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  

I don't think so.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)  

Eating problems I hid, but once my mom told me she thought I had been bulimic in the past. I always wondered why, if she cared, she didn't confront me about it when she thought it was happening.

Hitting myself. I told five people about it. A large part of me doing it (when it was at its worse)was to get attention/ get someone to help me. No one ever did anything about it or tried to help me in any way.

Depression/withdrawn/control/perfectionism


4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?  

Wow, yeah I guess I do. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, to believe in the relationship. I guess I expect to lose most relationships at some point. When someone betrays me that I have trusted I get revengeful. And I shun them/ do not allow them back in my life.

5. How do you see yourself now?  

Trapped in thought. Alone. Have to be in control of everything I do.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  

I have posted it in My Story and My Voice. I am still very nervous about talking about it on-line. I can't reread what I have written. But it was positive in that I got feedback from others telling me things like it's not my fault...
I have never talked about it off-line.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

That is a great question. Because maybe I don't trust myself. Maybe that;s why I feel so strongly that I must be in control of myself. I don't let myself drink much, I've never done drugs, I don't let myself get too crazy, or do anything wild...If I let myself get out of control something bad will happen.

samantha

(Edited by samantha at 2:25 pm on Aug. 16, 2002)

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

(1)Yes, it was a simple "be quiet" because I was so scared, that I didn't know what to do but do what he told me to do.
(2)Yes, I didn't tell anyone about it, because he told me I wasn't supposted to.
(3)I never thought anyone would ever beleive me... and that also kept my silent. Because, even thought I thought it was wrong, I was told that he could do anything he wanted (by him, of cource)... and I thought he was right. So I hid everything with a smile and a lot of energy.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

(1)Emotionaly, yes... lots of times.
(2)Physicaly, kinda, yes, no... -A boyfriend of mine, who knew that I didn't like to have my neck kissed, kissed my neck constantly. -I had a mildly abusive boyfriend, but he never left any kind of bruises or anything like that.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

(1) -(younger years)- I was diagnosed with having depression when I was in the 3rd grade.
(2) -(teen years)- No one ever noticed.... even when I gave strong hints.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

(1)No, some people can be so in love with they're abuser that they can still enjoy the relaitionship (on good times), trust the person, and expect it to last.
(2)Yes, an abusive relaitionship should not last, and most people who understand that it's wrong, and are not too intent on staying with that person, will end it, and get help.

5. How do you see yourself now?

(1) -(normal day)- Slut, bitch, dirty, stupid
(2) -(really good day)- creative, happy
(3) I try not to be nagitive, that way no one notices - When I'm happy (usualy falsly), I don't think too bad of myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

(1) I havn't told too many people, but I've started to be a little more open, though it's still really hard to tell.
(2) My experiences have been usualy, very kind... but a few people have turned cold.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

(1) -(myself)- I don't trust myself, I hurt myself, I'm mean and see myself as a little slut. I don't trust myself to keep myself out of those possitions, or to keep myself safe... considering i'm usualy in bad situaitions anyway. (grr, I just don't learn)
(2) -(others)- it depends on the people. My best friend, I would trust to throw me off a clif... but stangers, I always watch, because I don't trust them worth sh*t. I always don't trust most men, even if they're good friends or not.

-Tears

(Edited by BleedingTears at 11:01 pm on May 29, 2002)

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I realize this is kind of a cold topic as of late, but I think I might have something to gain for myself by answering them (and being honest).  Thank you for posting these.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was silenced constantly by my father and his hatred and anger towards me.  I was so scared, he didn't have to say a word and I just stayed quiet.  I still am silenced by him if I am being completely honest with myself.  And I have been silenced by the man who raped me as an adult, fear of him has kept me quiet (everywhere but here)

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No I have only told a select few and they have been as supportive as they know how to be.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I tried to kill myself at 13, but my father stayed right next to my hospitol bed so I was never able to tell anyone the real reason I had done it.  I was also diagnosed with an ulcer at 12, I don't remember anyone asking me why I was so nervous and worried.  Now I don't eat, but no one seems to notice that either really.  I really think there has been a difference in my attitude the past 4 months since my recent rape, but no one has seemed to notice that either.  I think in a way I want people to notice, I want someone to help.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I think that until you can heal and love yourself, relationships are going to be extremely difficult to sustain and enjoy.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Anger and resentful, confused by unclear memories.  Sad, scared and desperate most days.  Sometimes I have a moment or two where I know that I will get through this all, these are the moments that keep me going.
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust others or myself.  I am afraid of men, very afraid, I hate being alone with them, even just in an office at work I get freaked out inside.  I try to trust myself, but I often don't trust my feelings of others, I have judged people very wrong in the past and now it is so hard to trust my gut feelings anymore.

-Kolee

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[i] 1. Were you silenced by someone? How?[/i]  Yes, by the perp's abuse making it appear that he actually cared for me (the only attention I received); by my mum and family not fostering a loving nurturing environment where I felt safe to tell; and by myself--I knew there was no love, nurture, and no support for me and I knew I would be blamed instead of the perp if I told.

[i]2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)[/i]  My mum and father for not loving and nurturing me, my 1st husband who was physically abusive to me, countless past bf's who were only interested in their own needs and could have cared less about me, and friends who cannot hear the truth who are no longer friends.  

[i]3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)[/i]  Withdrawing, drugs and alcohol, and uncontrollable emotions.

[i]4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?[/i]  No, I do not agree with that statement because it is not true.  My current relationship with my husband is enjoyable, trustworthy, and will last.  Our love has only deepened by going through this healing together.  We are more open and honest with one another; we no longer have unrealistic expectations of one another; and we have learned how to love and respect one another's differences as well as embracing the areas of common ground.

[i]5. How do you see yourself now?[/i]  I see myself as a worthy, loving, giving, caring, kind, intelligent and beautiful woman who deserves to heal and to live her own life on her own terms.

[i]6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?[/i]  I told others that had not earned my trust or others who had no understanding because they had not been traumatized.  All of those failed miserably.  Now with my wisdom learned through healing, I choose to tell others only when they have earned my trust and if I feel that is something that I want to share with them.

[i]7. Do you trust others?[/i] Blindly, no.  [i] Do you trust yourself?[/i] Yes

Love, Liz

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How?  Yes, my family. My father separated me from the rest and lied to them. I was a small child, they just believed him. Then he and my grandparents would not allow me near my mother. They kept making up stories of why I needed to be in my room, or away from her. Later, she would not allow me near others who may have helped me, since she did not trust anyone herself.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  Yes, with each abuse act, it confirms that people cannot be trusted with someone else's life. And no one cares about what happens to another, just themselves and their selfish wants.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? I withdrew. I became very sick. I could not poop, and had constant infections. I was almost put in braces cause I guess my little bones were "moved about" from the weight of full grown men - yes more than one. I had scarlet fever, then rheumatic arthritis. My family ignored all of these. I could not walk, and they did nothing until school repeatedly called. School knew, some teachers knew. Then I was brought to the hospital, and then shortly after, we'd move again. But nothing was done about the abuse.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? I don't know if this is true. My abuse happened so young. I just found out that I have never trusted or loved anyone. And that my capacity to feel loved is very much less than others. I thought everyone was like that.

5. How do you see yourself now?  Broken, maybe beyond repair. I am 43 now. I have just had another flashback. I am sickened by what I've seen. I am all split up inside. People are so very cruel. I used to see the beauty in everything and everyone. I had amnesia. Now I find that I have a split personality and that was one split and the rest of me is a mess. I hate myself and want to die most of the time. I cry in the morning because I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my own father would hate me so much and oh forget it.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  I was lucky that I had amnesia for a while because I found a friend who doesn't seem to think I am bad no matter what has been coming out of me recently. All these terrible visions and feelings. I am cross every day. And still my friend is here. I don't know why. I've told a few, and they feel so bad (I didn't even tell them details), that they are pained to speak to me - these were freinds. My family is so spaced out I can't tell if they are even on this planet. My father is dead.

7. Do you trust others?  Do you trust yourself? No. I recently found some very mean parts that hurt me. Not physically, but I just hate myself.

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1. Were you silenced by someone? How? -Yes. My attacker told me that nobody would believe me. Also, it's been a very hush-hush thing with most of my family. The media and its portrayal of rape and its victims has done nothing to make me vocal about my abuse.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) -I have been snapped at by my father to "get over it," and had to play "my past is worse than your past" with him. I've been made to feel mixed-up and still troubled by not wanting to see my cousin, who was my attacker, and that it's an inconveinience to keep him away from me.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) -Yes. I ran away from home before anyone found out (was taken back home by the cops after only eight hours, thank Goddess), there was withdrawal, and I did/do have eating problems, among other things, but those are the three ways I "told" before I used words.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? -Yes, I agree, because betrayal strips you of the most needed emotion and ability to have a relationship -trust.

5. How do you see yourself now? -I see myself as in the middle, going between victim and survivor.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? -Yes. There have been good experiences and bad ones- with my family, there was a lot of anger towards my attacker and support for me, but it also became very taboo and hush-hush -it's not talked about unless absolutely necessary, with the exception of my mother, really. With other people, I've had people harass me, but all in all I've found a lot of support.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? -I don't trust anyone, with the exception of my mother. Do I trust myself. . .? On the biggest issues, I do.

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