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Louise

"Get Over It"

92 posts in this topic

3 Days ago I finally told my mom, who is the most understanding amazing women, what had happened to me. My husband has known for the last 3 years of our 4 year relationship and knew that I was notready to talk to about it.

My husband works out of town and today, we were talking on the phone and I've been quite emotional since telling my mom, actually asked me if " I was PMSing"?

Is there anyway to explain it so that they realise how trying this is?

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[u]A Response[/u]

A short play (not strictly 'get over it', but similar idiocy).



INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Are you still upset about that? You should have gotten over it by now. Besides, lots of people have it worse than you do.

LILITH's eyes narrow. LILITH pinches INSENSITIVE FRIEND very hard.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Ow!

LILITH: Shut up. Lots of people have it worse than you.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Yeah, but it still hurts.

LILITH grins.

LILITH: Checkmate, motherf-cker.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND is speechless while LILITH goes to find someone more worth her time.

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get over it usually elicits the one digit salute and a "fuck you" unless i am feeling particularly eloquent that day then it's fuck you asshole. i make no apologies, that response is insensitive and deserves insensitivity in return

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My "friend" tried to "help" me get over rape by physically hurting me and trying to rape me. He only made things worse

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I once said, "If you think it's stupid that I'm still upset about it, or you don't want to hear about it, then I suggest that you kill yourself. Then you wouldn't have to listen to me complain anymore. Because you'd be dead. So that would definitely be my recommendation."

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(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs to you all)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It amazes me how insensitive people can be, especially to their loved ones. If 'getting over it' was sooooooooo easy.... you would have done that already. You would not expect someone who has say, lost a leg, to 'just get over it!!!!!!!!!!!'
Ohhhhhh it makes me mad to read the terrible thisngs that have been said to you all. grrrrrrrrrr.

Take care everyone

Honey

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Those three words hurt me so much that I respond to it as cruelly as I can. Anything that has been confided in me I bring it up and throw into their face to show how much it hurts.

ex: "I'll get over this when you get over being dumped by a married man who never wanted you."

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survivors: sharp when provoked

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[quote name='gospel of lilith' post='618786' date='Dec 29 2007, 06:33 PM']survivors: sharp when provoked[/quote]
Ha! :D

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For me I was actually told by my abuser that "it happened a long time ago" and I should just "get over it." And my mom was no help either. She basically said the same thing. I never really responded with anything other than a gaping open mouthed shock. But what I really wanted to say was that you can't just "get over" something that effects every relationship you have with a man, sexually and emotionally. You can't just forget something that changes your perspective on the world and at the same time makes some part of you die, and makes you constantly feel like you don't belong anywhere. It just makes me so ANGRY. God! :angry:

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[quote name='gospel of lilith' post='611210' date='Dec 18 2007, 12:17 AM'][u]A Response[/u]

A short play (not strictly 'get over it', but similar idiocy).



INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Are you still upset about that? You should have gotten over it by now. Besides, lots of people have it worse than you do.

LILITH's eyes narrow. LILITH pinches INSENSITIVE FRIEND very hard.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Ow!

LILITH: Shut up. Lots of people have it worse than you.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND: Yeah, but it still hurts.

LILITH grins.

LILITH: Checkmate, motherf-cker.

INSENSITIVE FRIEND is speechless while LILITH goes to find someone more worth her time.[/quote]
Brilliant!!! I totally want to use this next time someone tells me that others have it worse. May I?

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I'll never really be "over" what I went through with **,W or B ::)barf: :bawling:

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a week after i was r*ped.. my best guy friend said something to me that just blew me away.. and i know that he was trying to make me feel better and he told me not to take it the wrong way and wanted me to just look on the bright side of things.. but i was honestly shocked when it came out of his mouth.. but he told me that it could have been a lot worse.. that it could've been some stranger that i didn't know (the guy who did it was someone that i went to school with and was friends with who moved away and was in town visiting), that i could've been awake for it (i was blacked out and i woke up for only a moment to feel him on me and tell him to get off of me before i blacked out again), and that i could've been physically hurt more than i was... and i know he was just trying to say that because i leave for college soon and he wants me to have fun and not let it ruin something that is supposed to be an amazing time of my life... but its just like.. WTF?! like seriosuly? and i think it is a guy thing.. because i dont think they understand what it is like to feel violated like that.. i mean yeah it could've been worse but who's to say what is worse and what isn't.. he will never know what it is like and i just wanted to slap him..eventually i will get over it.. maybe not completely but to the point that it won't effect my everyday life.. but its just like something people wil never understand and i love him to death he's been my best friend forever but i think sometime teenage guys are just stupid idiots who really will just never get it.. maybe one day..

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and i think it is a guy thing.. because i dont think they understand what it is like to feel violated like that..

I have seen this kind of remark before. I don't know what I should learn from it. As a guy, I might be a failed specimen. I must be oversensitive. Every time I come across something like this, it feels like I get slapped in the face.

I am well aware that on most forums about SA males are a minority. Even without these remarks I sometimes feel intimidated by women and cast out, just because they might think I am intimidating, just because I am a man. I know it is silly most of the time, yet I simply can't ignore the feeling and I am always on the alert because of it. I never want to intrude where I do not belong.

So yes, this hurts, but it does not make me angry. Yet it shows clearly how easy it is to say something hurtful without ever intending it. I think it must be unavoidable, but that does not mean it shouldn’t be mentioned, I guess. Ohterwise we never learn.

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^^ whilst i don't think that remark was intended to hurt, i do tend to agree with you on some level. I think what the remark was meant to say was that men who experience sexual violence experience it in a different way to what women do. Not that it's inconsequential for a man and doesn't matter. of course it does.

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Hi SweetSangria

First I wanted to PM you, but I do think it is important to say this in public. I really want to understand your comment correctly because my post was really heartfelt and I sincerely do not know what to make of your comment. What do you mean exactly by saying that men who experience sexual violence experience it in a different way to what women do? Do you mean they experience it as less or more intrusive, or altogether different? I am just wondering :eyebrow: .

I myself do not see much of a difference here. Yet I am not a woman, so I can never be sure of course. What I did learn from internet and literature as I was searching for help, is that for men it is usually regarded as harder to get to terms with the fact that they were violated. This is because of the cultural notion that men should be able to defend themselves and may not show weakness. Moreover they are a minority and there are far fewer facilities for violated men than there are for women. This tends to make them feel alone and thus the notion is born that “real” men can’t be violated. As a result, men tend to tell themselves “to stop whining and get over it”. Therefore it is regarded to be more difficult for men to speak about and deal with their experiences. So according to what I learned, there might be a difference in dealing with it, but not so much in the experience.

Personally I was thinking Sch3645 meant to speak of men in general, and maybe only of men who were never violated. Yet in my experience these unthoughtful comments she is referring to are spoken by men and women alike because of ingnorance. I think it is best to not make a gender issue out of that :wink: .

Best wishes,

Onno

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Whenever someone asks me " When are you going to get over it?" I want to respond with "When are you going to stop being an insensitive jerk?" Like being SA isn't like having a cold, you don't just get over it.

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Like being SA isn't like having a cold, you don't just get over it.

Exactly. :(

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Hi SweetSangria

First I wanted to PM you, but I do think it is important to say this in public. I really want to understand your comment correctly because my post was really heartfelt and I sincerely do not know what to make of your comment. What do you mean exactly by saying that men who experience sexual violence experience it in a different way to what women do? Do you mean they experience it as less or more intrusive, or altogether different? I am just wondering :eyebrow: .

I myself do not see much of a difference here. Yet I am not a woman, so I can never be sure of course. What I did learn from internet and literature as I was searching for help, is that for men it is usually regarded as harder to get to terms with the fact that they were violated. This is because of the cultural notion that men should be able to defend themselves and may not show weakness. Moreover they are a minority and there are far fewer facilities for violated men than there are for women. This tends to make them feel alone and thus the notion is born that “real” men can’t be violated. As a result, men tend to tell themselves “to stop whining and get over it”. Therefore it is regarded to be more difficult for men to speak about and deal with their experiences. So according to what I learned, there might be a difference in dealing with it, but not so much in the experience.

Personally I was thinking Sch3645 meant to speak of men in general, and maybe only of men who were never violated. Yet in my experience these unthoughtful comments she is referring to are spoken by men and women alike because of ingnorance. I think it is best to not make a gender issue out of that :wink: .

Best wishes,

Onno

i think your post articulated why men experience sexual assault differently and that's entirely what i meant. the shame that they are not "real men" because of the stereotypes surrounding masculinity or sexuality (if you are a man who is raped by a man then you are often thought of as gay even if you are not)

the way many male survivors feel that because they are a minority they don't have to deal with things or perhaps shouldn't. The lack of services for men

I wasn't trying to make a "gender issue" out of anything. I am not intending to minimize male experience, it is horrific no matter what gender it is experiencing it. It is in no way less intrusive or a different emotional experience.

I think you misinterpreted me or i didn't make myself clear but that's ok.

Mel

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To the bitch who told me that losing my child, conceived in rape, was a blessing from god, and that I should accept this gift from him rather than be sad, "How dare you? She was MY child, a living being whom I LOVED. Your son was born with a handicap. Would it have been a blessing from God if he had died years ago??? No? And what's so different about my daughter? What makes you so fucking special that obviously no one on this planet can love their child without the express written consent of you and your 'god'?? But, wait, I remember, you were sad yesterday that your new shoes got wet in that puddle, so obviously the sadness of a dead baby just CANT compare. PS. F-U-C-K Y-O-U"

Wow. I don't usually let myself get angry, but that felt really, really good.

Val

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I am LOVING this thread! I'm sharing some of the best ones with my husband (my biggest supporter, who never invalidates or minimizes my pain), and he piped in, "why don't you got outside and play a nice game of hide and go fuck yourself?"

I do love that man. :wub:

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i'll get over being abused when you get over being a total jerkoff

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My mom told me that I should think that CSA is a big deal because "it happens to a lot of women. It happened to me, to X, to Y, to Z...."

The fact that the inc*st survivor club has a lot of members is supposed to make me feel better. It's not a club that anyone want to join.

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thats exactly right... you dont want to be a proud member of that club

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