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Louise

"Get Over It"

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Hi, I'm new here.  I generally tell them to kiss the one square inch of my arse that is reserved for people whose opinions are not important.  Under the circumstances, it is the nicest reply I can think of.

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This is a great thread!  "get over it"...that's a rough and complex one.  It minimizes us at a vulnerable time of sharing something with another person. I think it's important for us to understand why this occurs:

1)  Sometimes it is too hard for the people who care about us to see us hurting - so it's easier for them to say "get over it"...but that's thier need for us to be happy or put on a mask.  Perhaps a response to those people would be some understanding in the sense that it might be too hard for them to see us hurt - and to ask them what they feel comfortable with so that we don't expect more than they can realistically give (e.g. I can't rant, cry etc with one particular friend because she just can't see me that vulnerable, but she's great at taking me out for dinner and making me laugh...so sometimes I won't even go into 'why' I need...just to let her know I need her for that).  Then the other person can still be allowed to care for us on thier terms...and we can get some much needed caring on our terms.

2)  Some people are uneducated on this issue.  It is safer for them to believe that abuse is something that happens to "a certain type of people" (i.e. not them) - they can keep this belief alive as long as they don't see it - so if you are brave enough to risk bringing it up, it becomes too close to home for them, so they tell you to "get over it".  It becomes about thier fear.  A response I've used in this situation has been something like - I know how my abuse has impacted me and I think it's important to understand that to know myself better - abuse in all forms impacts people, and I guess because I've expereinced it, I'm sensitive to seeing it in action and wish to discuss it to increase awareness.  If you can't talk about it, that's fine, but I'd appreciate it if you would not dismiss my expereince so quickly.

3)  Guilt, shame, fear - some people have perpetrated abuse, and/or been involved in keeping the abuse a 'family secret' - deep down they know this; but if they can continue to minimize, blame, stop the conversation by "get over it" type comments, then they can feel better about thier own guilt/shame etc by making it something wrong with you.  When someone is being just plain mean by doing these, I respond with (a) "the way this conversation is going is not acceptable for me" (and leave); or (b) I'm willing to help you understand my expereince if you are willing to listen and try to learn in a respectful way.  Being respectful includes trying to understand, and not judging me or belittling my feelings - you can disagree, as long as it's respectful and you can back it up with reasons why you feel that way (e.g. you wonder why I stayed in the abusive relationship for so long?  that's a fair question - but ask and be willing to accept my answer as my reality)

Wow...again, great thread...I may have to come back to it once I get some more thoughts organized (((hugs)))

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My best friend asked why do you hate them so much?

I said just to touch the surface they violated my space they pinned me onto the ground the did things that i did not want done to me .

People can be so dumb sometimes

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This was inspires by someone i cant name but i thought it was just so appropriate:
"When i think my life is any of your business i'll be sure and let you know.  In the meantime, go and f*ck off"

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Hi,  my brother came over today, due to the OD, on tuesday,  was furious with me, called me a stupid cow, that I was insane, that the Bloody thing is over and done with, our father is dead and buried, get it into your thick skull, once and for all.
I know he is dead, been dead 6-7yrs can't remember how many years, but I know it was June 13th.
But cant erase it, why is he so angry.

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((((((((Catherine))))))))))

Go up a couple of replies from your post and read through some of what sister said. I think she had some wonderful points, and it may answer a few of your questions.

Love,
Kristen

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this week at school one of the a$$h0le guys that used to bother me all the time last year (before he got expelled for the rest of the year for carrying advil liquagels on campus to try to sell as ecstacy) came up to me and goes 'are you over it yet or are you going to try and change your classes and get away from me  this year?' and i was kinda at a loss for some school aproperate words so lyndz piped up (you can always count on the girl wiht the big mouth as sweet as she is) 'shut up you a$$h0le' and that gave me enough courage to say 'walk a mile in my shoes you jerk' then he thretened to tell on us for using inaproperate language in school. and lyndz goes 'and you dont think that we are going to tell on you for harrasing her in school?' and he walked off all pissed at us.......gee lyndz and i make a pretty good team :)

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I was told to "get over it, what's the big deal...so some guy stuck his d**k in you when you didn't want him to. You're living in the past and letting it control your present and future." I tried to explain to him that saying get over it and doing it are two entirely different things but I fear that until or unless some guy sticks his d**k in him, he'll never truly understand.

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Wow. Hadn't seen this thread before.
Its an interesting read.

When someone told me I needed to "get over it" I just quietly said, "its not like that" but they didn't get it.
My mum constantly tells me to put it in the past and move on. But how can I do that when my past is in front of my every day?

I am going to try those responses next time I'm feeling sassy touhg.

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Although my family do not know the details of my abuse, they have on occasion chosen to ignore me and cut me off when I have broached the subject.

Recently, my sister tried this one on me:

"You don't have to talk about it anymore. That's the past and we're not going to talk about him anymore. Just move on."

(My reply was rather measly):

"Don't tell ME what I can and can't talk about."

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i just wanted to pop in and say i'm sorry to everyone who's been told these stupid and ridiculous things. i rarely share my story because i'd rather not hear them.... i suppose the silence is just as bad, isn't it.....

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funny how life unfolds, isn't it. just after i say that i rarely hear shit about my rapes and my past....

i've been thinking about getting a tattoo to commemorate 1) a year of not smoking and 2) another step in my healing
so i asked some friends to look at some pictures of lotus flowers to help me choose which one to use as a tattoo - after looking at the site AfterSilence and seeing the words about lotus flowers.... anyway
i said if i had a lotus flower i could explain to people why i have it because people ask and i think my past is a huge part of who i am
my friend tells me "are you sure that's a good idea? you might one day not want to tell people you're a survivor and be 'normal' "
:tear:

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This is so weird...me and my girlfriend had a fight about this a couple of months ago. She herself is a survivor...she has chosen to just put it all behind her. Thankfully she doesn't suffer from PTSD or flashbacks like I do.

However this is what happened:
She said, "It happened a while ago. I don't know why you can't just move on."
I said, "I'm sorry I'm not you."
She said, "I never said you were. I'm just tired of sharing you with your past."
I said, "Listen I'm glad for you that you are not affected with it as much as I am...but you have to understand that I just can't forget about it and move on...because if I could...don't you think I would have by now?? Plus my past is a part of me...so if you want to be with me than you are going to have to accept all of me...or just leave...it's your choice."

Needless to say she shut up real fast and has never brought up the subject again.

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I think the closest I had someone say "get over it" was when my ex-MIL said, "Nobody really wants to hear your story anyway."

If her intent was to shut me up, she did a good job for a while. I didn't talk about being SA'd again until after I divorced her son... and yes I do partially blame her for the breakup of our marriage.

Last summer she said something to the extent of "You're not the only one things have happened to." It was like she still had to get her screws in - I wanted to say to her, "Why don't YOU get over whatever YOUR thing is with me already?"

Even my ex has a better attitude towards me these days... he also is more on my side about protecting our daughter from my family of origin, though he's still kind of spineless about it. When I asked him if they treated him and my daughter okay at Christmas he began running down who was there and who wasn't... I was like okay, enough. I should have told him you know, they aren't my family anymore, and I don't care who's there or not. I only care that you guys aren't being treated like crap when you escort our daughter to visits with them.

Fortunately I've had my husband there to provide some leverage in the whole thing. He's validated everything I've done to stand up for myself and the pain I'm going through... yesterday I told him I wish I was more healed and that this was all more behind me and I'm sorry I'm so broken, and he said you know what? I knew about all this when I married you and I chose you anyway, and I still love you.

Makes me ALMOST not care about having to clean up after him or how bad he is with money...

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I get frustrated when people say, "aren't you over that now?...you're over that now right?"..it's mostly been guys.

they dont understand............
me or other survivors.

they don't realize that I (or most survivors) develop PTSD!!! It took me a long time to realize that I have this....I remember being diagnosed with PTSD right after my r***, but later on thought it just went away.....when in reality it definitely didn't. I was going through life not even realizing that I STILL HAD ptsd! I just felt very abnormal and I still do.

I try to explain to these guys and people that what happened to me I will never ever get completely over...that there will ALWAYS be some amount/degree of pain...that what happened to me permanently changed me as a person...that I lost a part of myself that I will never get back...

following my assault i began to slowly piece my life back together......only to realize 4 years later that there will always be pieces of myself still missing....that i will never be able to find or get back ever again.

that i will always live with some degree of guilty, shame, pain, sense of betrayal, lack of self-confidence, humility, and distrust....i feel HE took some of my happiness and joy, as well...i dont seem to smile or laugh as much i used to...

i have to explain to these "get over it" guys/people that it will always come back to me, sometimes when i least expect it......sure maybe i feel a little better, but at other times i dont.......being removed from the situation makes the pain fade more, but often the PTSD makes it come right back, just when u Did indeed think you were all better........


at one point, i did try to put everything behind me...thats called blocking it out...and as most survivors know, it usually comes back to haunt you when u least expect it, and blocking it out is probably your mind protecting yourself until you are ready to begin the journey of healing, and it might even be something that causes u not to heal..........

just a vent
starry Edited by starry

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Ill tell you what makes me even more mad...I tell myself all the time to just get over and get on. So, I can hardly blame other people who may not understand this kind of mixed-up humiliation that we feel.

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Something that struck me so much when I read it a year ago that I wrote it down:


" 'Snap out of it', 'put it behind you', 'forget about it' -- words of advice I heard many times from those closest to me -- hardly seem reasonable requests. Indeed, these pleas are especially painful because they come with love. [b]To a rape survivor, nothing is more desired or more impossible than forgetting[/b]." -- Nancy Venable Raine, from “After Silence: Rape & My Journey Back”

(Bold is mine. A sentence that I have used as a response in the past to someone telling me to "just get over it".)

survivor Edited by survivor

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"Get Over It" those 3 words make me sick. My ex-husband used to say it all the time. If people only knew the how traumatizing being sexually abused is. I used to tell him that when he knew exactly what I was going through (literally) then I would take his words into consideration.

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i've heard the get over it but in i guess different context my mother says its not that important and i shouldn't talk about it to other family members because i wouldn't want to take away any support that my bro in law needs right now because he is sick would i?

i have tried to get over it, to forget to stuff it away but its like this to me if someone said that directly, would be saying oh sure i'll be glad to get over it, what a unique and challenging point of view i mean gosh i've never thought of that before wow! i'm cured thank you so much. now i'd like to offer a piece of advice to you, see that woodchipper over there go run your soul through that and get over it!

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Some of us think this way on our own. Not everyone has a group of people out there telling them to get over it - it's not always them against us. Sometimes we ourselves say It's time to get over this and mvoe on. Isn't that part of this "Healing" everyone keeps talking about?

I don't talk about it out in the world so that no one knows and can bring it up. I don't talk about it online because I don't want to get trapped in a cycle of poor me. So I guess I tell myself on a daily basis, just get over it. And sometimes it works. And sometimes . . . it doesn't.

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Most of the people (friends and family) that have told me that I need to "get over it" :blink: have never dealt with this kind of thing before. Last week when I was talking with my mom, I "finally" told her exactly what happened that night I was *****! :tear: Edited by blondie24

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I would get over it if I hadn't suffered from an obvious mental illness after "it" happened. I do get over it- just I am at different phases in healing- I don't always talk about it.

It just seems to me my experience of rape, and my unfortunate experiences in physical abuse (from family) right after rape will always stay with me in some way. My experience of "get over it" was just as harsh as the rape itself.

Years later I can remember being told by my mother that "people who suffer from depression after rape are just weak." I grew up in that family and just being exposed to that kind of message is a sort of psychological abuse that affects you to the bone, as does experiencing rape.

L

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[b]"Leave it in the past...it's over. Move on"[/b]-various people

response: yes the worst is over...but it is still affecting my life. And to move on I have to heal and yes that does involve thinking about it you (insert choice 4 letter word here)...*sarcastic grin again!*

These people need to get over the fact that I'm [i]not[/i] over it!!!!!!!!!! Edited by Catherine37

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I think the hardest part of hearing "just get over it" is that I would like nothing better. Hearing the words and realizing that I can't just makes me feel worse about myself. It's like saying that I'm flawed somehow because this still affects me. The same thing for "you are not the only one who things have happened to".

These comments just reinforce to me that my feelings are not important. It not only minimizes what happened, it also minimizes me, which is something the abuse did as well. People don't realize that the refusal to deal with it and confront it just encourage the continuance of pain, both inside of us and in the world as well. As long as people continue to want to sweep it under the rug, there will be people who will treat others with such disregard and cruelty.

Every time someone minimizes one of us, they minimize all of us. Every time someone is deliberately cruel to one of us, the world is less of a safe place for all of us. But in the same vein, every time someone is caring and supportive to one of us, the world gets a little better for all of us. The more we can feel safe in sharing who we are and how we feel, the more loving the world will become.

When people make comments like that they think they are being helpful but it is more about how they feel. It is upsetting to them to deal with issues of abuse and assault because they don't want to be reminded that it could happen to them. The best thing we can do is to educate them about how this affects us all.

Susan

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[quote name='Precious_Angel' post='498074' date='Jun 24 2007, 11:10 AM']Some of us think this way on our own.[/quote]

Yeah, I was handicapped in my healing for a long time because I believed I [i]should[/i] "get over it" and tried to force myself to do so. But "get over it" is another way of saying "just drop it" or "don't deal with it", and not dealing with it is not going to lead to healing.

[quote name='SurvivingTheStorm' post='501249' date='Jun 29 2007, 03:19 PM']These people need to get over the fact that I'm [i]not[/i] over it!!!!!!!!!![/quote]

:goodjob:

I think they need to "get over" [i]themselves[/i]. :P



[quote name='WCSusan' post='507768' date='Jul 10 2007, 02:36 PM']As long as people continue to want to sweep it under the rug, there will be people who will treat others with such disregard and cruelty.

Every time someone minimizes one of us, they minimize all of us. Every time someone is deliberately cruel to one of us, the world is less of a safe place for all of us. But in the same vein, every time someone is caring and supportive to one of us, the world gets a little better for all of us. The more we can feel safe in sharing who we are and how we feel, the more loving the world will become.[/quote]

Exactly. The whole "get over it" thing ends up empowering the abusers. :angry: It's a very short-sighted and selfish approach - truly, it's usually a self-[i]protective[/i] approach, used by people who are trying to avoid recognizing other people's pain for whatever reason; because they want to believe they could "get over it" in our place, because they don't want to recognize the pain they may have caused by acting like our abusers; because they don't want to recognize how dangerous the world they live in can be; whatever. I tend to just avoid those with the "get over it" mentality instead of challenging it, though, which can be a type of cowardice in itself. :blush: Sometimes people who use "get over it" respond pretty well if you challenge them - those are usually the ones who use that response "on automatic", because it's the common cultural attitude, rather than people who are deliberately trying to dodge pain or responsibility with it.

Sheryl

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