"Get Over It"

[Louise]

Hey family

The question of what to say to people who cheapen your journey by making comments like "isn't it time you just got over it" is coming up a lot these days. This is a secondary wound, and nobody has the right to foist such ignorance on you. But it is something many survivors can feel belittled by.

I propose we have a thread of how we have responded to such comments in the past (or how we would like to respond to them). Responses can be cranky, potty, humourous, serious, whatever.

It can then be shifted to wonderful threads and hopefully do some good for others.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Lou xxxxxx

[Guest]

((((((((LOU)))))))))))

Funny you started this thread because i was just planning to write about what happened to me today.

I was talking to someone who had looked at my website today. They told me they were proud of me etc and then said " Dont you think you should have forgotten about it now". What the fuck is that? I must admit it took alot of self control not to just punch the silly cow (no im not bitter!). After composing myself i said " Look why dont you look at this way, if you had lost someone you loved could you forget? Could you get over that loss? When i was abused, when he raped me part of me died. I cant get over that, I cant forget, its not possible. Yes I have learnt to live without that part of me. I have evolved into someone different, someone stronger but that part of me is still gone."

She shut up fairly quickly after that

Love

Mel xxxx    

[Laney]

When told to get over it, I've told people to get hit by a mack truck, lose a limb and "get over it".  

Really I'd like to tell them to burn in f*cking ####.

Whoever these numbnuts who say this are, I feel like giving them a medal to pin on their chests, because in a brief conversation, they seem to know how to fix it all.  "well just get over it"  Thank you, you f*cking genious.

my two cents

Laney

[Louise]

Ignoramus: Isn't it time you put away all this sexual abuse stuff and got on with your life?

Me: Oh, but I am getting on with my life. Healing is an integral part of that. But unless you are interested in hearing about the process of rape survivorship, I have nothing more to say to you.

Also, some dolphin-spanker mailed me some time back to tell me to stop sitting on my fat middle ass class whining and to move on. Shit-for-brains was told to go fuck himself. That works too.

L XXXXXX

[Guest Em]

How on earth did you become so arrogant that you presume to know, without benefit of studying psychology or life experience, what a rape survivor needs to do to heal? Perhaps when you've finished reprimanding me for the choices *I* as an expert have chosen to make regarding my life, we could discuss your incipient megolomania? Or are you too busy drafting a letter to NASA telling them how they're making their spaceships wrongly?

[Louise]

Good on you, Mell and Laney! Em, you of course are brilliant.

How about "you get over your cluelessness, dickface.

Word of advice to readers: Never, ever feel called upon to justify yourselves. I recall times when I've felt very red-faced and falteringly tried to explain. But generally the "get over it" brigade aren't very interested in listening to anything except their own flatulent stupidity.

[Guest]

What i would have said if Id lost my rag:

What the fuck has my life got to do with you anyway. Look if you can not try to understand that i have made the choices in my life that are good for me then FUCK YOU. I dont give a shit what you think because I know I am a Survivor not a victim. Its your problem not mine if you choose not to see it like that.

Then id punch them

(Edited by mellstew at 11:06 pm on June 27, 2002)

[Guest Amy]

I once told someone -- an online person who asked my why I didn't just stop whining and forget about it, and get on with my life -- if she'd have told an amputee to forget about her missing limb.  When I was assaulted, a huge chunk of me was taken away.  Anyone insensitive enough these days to ask me why I dwell on it, why I don't just get over it, (my husband, for one) gets the standard, "Kiss my ass, you fucking bastard."

If I was in a situation where I couldn't say that, I'd probably say, "when you've lived through what I've lived through, you may come back and ask me that again."

Amy

[Louise]

What really gets up my nose is that every year, we have war casualty remembrance days. Soldiers are shown on TV crying as they remember events which happened fifty years ago.

NOBODY questions their right to do that, or gives them that worthless piece of three-word shit advice. Imagine the fuckin' outcry if one of these brave heroes was told to stop whining! They wouldn't tolerate it and neither should we.

[Jes]

Louise,

I used to respond angrily.  How dare someone tell me to get over it, when they have no clue how it feels to be raped?

But I have come to think that that is not the best way.  I now assume that the reason that they are talking that way is because they have no clue...and I try to educate them.  They are part of the problem, but with information, it's possible to make people like that a part of the solution and I do try.

I might say something, like, "Unfortunately, rape is so common that one would think that it is easy to get over.  But when someone violates you and essentially ignores your personhood, it is very hard to reclaim that."  Or "My rape was so absolutely terrifying and in one moment, every belief I'd had in the order of the world was devastating.  It takes a lot to reorganize those beliefs in order to accomodate the rape and a world where rapists aren't just the bad guys on TV."

If that fails, I usually try to say something that I think my hero, Lis, would say.  "It is always a good idea to discuss issues about which you have no knowledge or personal experience with someone who does.  You get an A+ for being a moron."

xxxooo

Jes

[Tamitink]

I had a *cough* 'good' friend who told me that in the grand scheme of things, my rape didn't really matter.  That his life was obviously much worse than mine (he was working a medial job at the time) and that I needed to just get over it.  I told him that everyone has events happen to them in their lives that they react to differently than others might in the same situation, gave him the benefit of the doubt that were HE ever raped he might be able to just 'get over it', then reminded him that since he HADN'T ever had the joy of the experience, he was just a clueless bastard who had no right telling me how to deal with a problem that is souly mine.  I haven't spoken to him since.

Tami

[linnea]

This is sort of related to the "get over it" line...

My husband used to whine that it wasn't fair that he had to deal with the repercussions of my past.

"It's not fair to you," I said.  "If you want to talk about not fair in life - I was molested as a child, started learning about sexuality at age SIX, became the caretaker in my family, lost my childhood, was RAPED by a therapist when I sought to get help for the nightmares and flashbacks that come with post traumatic stress disorder, got pregnant by the bastard, became a birthmother because I chose adoption, listened to who call the whole things an AFFAIR for YEARS, despite the fact that we weren't even DATING at the time, have dealt with a life of depression and ptsd AND I have to put up with YOU."

"You want to talk about NOT FAIR?  I WIN!  EVERYTIME!  HANDS DOWN!  Don't ever talk to me about not fair."

Fair is now the "F" word at our house and even my children will tell you not so say it around me...

[nature_mommy]

well a few people have asked me why i dont just get over it, i get real mad, and i try to keep myself calm try to stop myself from shaking with anger.

and i ask them if they have ever been raped have they ever been sexually abused when you were 4 yrs old, and when they say no, i tell them then that they dont know what its like and how it can ruin a person's life how a child grows up "strange" to the world and all that.

so shut the #### up!!!

then i storm off and wait for an apology.

but of course the one time my ex said that to me, he had said it so many times before and the last time he said it to me, i just told him to not even go there and thats all i said. and why oh why did he flip out on me then??!!! he threw a fit, told me he was taking me home (which i was happily thrilled about, this was last year before we split) wait a minute!!!!! i almost said that he said he was sorry!! thats not true at all, he told me to say i was sorry!! and i didn't do a thing, oh my blood is boling now how could i have twisted that around in my head??

but i laughed at him when he said this to me and i told him i didn't have to apologize for anything, he took me home, called me from a pay phone then said he was sorry and of course asked me if i wanted to come stay with him, and i said no.

that was the beginning of the end.

and i have begun to ramble, stop me now! lol

and i just now wonder what other things has he done that i've twisted around in my head t o not seem bad?

i think i got into the habit of pretending like he was okay and good to my family when i was with him, now im still doing it, and i am...

gotta stop that, cause he was no good for nothing, mean, lying, stupid who thought the world was his and all his.

no good.

okay im gonna shut up now!!!

too much coffee not enough sleep

[Guest]

My sister saidyou need to get over it and for get about it. I wish i could get over it but i can't. What is it with people these days said get over it. I wish people would understand that is not that easy to get over it.

(Edited by ANIMALBEARS at 5:14 am on June 28, 2002)

[Guest SK Redmond]

"Get over it."

hmmm...such an unfair demand to make of a survivor of any kinds isn't it?

How I respond to this really depends on the person standing in front of me.  If it is someone who truly doesn't get it, and does not mean to be invalidating me then I try and shed some light on it for them.  "The symptoms many people suffer after rape differ very little from war veterans.  There is no effective way to minimize and get past what has happened to me.  Believe me I have tried, and just putting it behind me doesn't work.  Did you know that they recent research has shown that childhood sexual abuse actually changes the developing brain, and that these changes can be permanent?  Sexual violence has the potential to change the most basic things about you; how you view the world, how you view yourself, and even how you think and react.  I don't think it's possible to get over that."  Then maybe, if they still are not convinced with a bit of sarcasm in my voice, "but thanks for the obviously well thought out advice.  Get over it!  Wow!  Why didn't I think of that?  You just cured me...if only you'd come along sooner I wouldn't have spent all that money on therapy.  What exactly to you think I've been trying to do?"

No matter what I respond, because sometimes in all honesty I'll just shake my head and walk away, I think what is most important is to remember that statement comes from their ignorance and inadequacies and not mine.  It point to a fault in them and not in me.

((Hugs))

Shannon  

[Guest]

I am so angry right now!!!!!!!1  Once my BEST *cough* friend said to me why don't you just pretend like it never happened.  I said nothing.  What I should have said was "Don't you think I would forget it if I could?" and "Obvously you care so little for me that you didn't even try to come up something remotely, carefully helpful or compassionate!"

Ok I feel better now.

DOnna

[Guest]

My answer, whenever someone says "get over it!" or "shouldn't you just let it go?"?

<b>Sure. No problem. How do I do it?</b>

The one thing that people never seem torealize is that it's not as if we <u>choose</u> to feel this way and to go on remembering. Do they think if we had a choice we'd choose to carry all the baggage around?

[Guest Em]

A further response and clarification Lou asked me to add on her behalf :

[linnea]

Hey Louise, I thought you Aussies flew in flocks of three...

just checking my cultural information.  

:biggrin:

[Guest]

I thought that my mom was one of the only ones who said stuff like that.  I try to talk to her about things, when suddenly it feels like it is coming back, and I'm feeling sad.  But then she says, it's been 3 years, can't you just get on with your life?

I don't say anything, it's usually time for me to take a walk when she says that.

Angela

[Guest]

Here's what happened to me five months ago with my former psychologist (this is only part of why I left and went elsewhere)

Psych:  I think its time that you get over this.

Me:  (stunned silence for a minute) Well have you ever been in this situation

Psych:  Thankfully no

Me:  Then you can't go around telling me to get over it because there's no way in #### that you know the pain and torment that I'm in.  

Needless to say, I only stayed one more week and that was because my mother forced me to go back.

[Guest]

I posted this in 'my voice' a few weeks ago, but since the "get over it" thread is in here, too, I wanted to make sure that such a beautiful, heart-healing response sticks around.

Safe hugs,

Trish

--------------------------

I absolutely adore my obstetrician.  When I first told him last summer about my assault/rape (which happened 13 years ago), I was 6 months pregnant.  I said that I just didn't want either of us to be ambushed by memories/flashbacks.  

Anyway, I called him last week to ask for a referral to a therapist to talk to.  I told him that my most important criterion, really, was to find someone who will NOT say "isn't it time to get over it?"  In true beloved form, my OB said, "Well, #1 that's never going to happen because it's impossible to just 'get over it;' #2 THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF HEALING; and #3 anybody who ever says that to a survivor needs to grow a heart."

So many of us have heard that horridly insensitive response, so I just thought I'd post this heart-warming, simple response.

Trisha

[carebear07]

When someone says "get over it" or "just stop thinking about it" my response is : OH, right! I forgot I had a magical button on my forehead and when I press it I magically stop thinking about it and get over it. Thanks for reminding me, dumbass.

[Guest]

I was beaten badly and r*ped several years ago and I thought I was "over it" but had some health problems last year and had to go through several medical tests and the whole thing was really triggering, it brought up a lot of buried bad memories of the r*pe and I started having nightmares again.  I don't think you ever really "get over it".

[Guest]

Gosh, this is a good one -- And people don't realize it, but aside from making themselves look like the ignorant beings that they obviously are, they are denying our reality; saying, in effect, you are being pretentious or just trying to get attention.

I feel like saying to someone who tries to deny the reality of what happened to me or who tries to minimize my pain, "If you had just been raped, or been in a major car accident or plane crash, I wouldn't try to minimize your pain, so why are you doing that to me?  I mean, this isn't something you can just do talk to the supervisor about and make it all better."