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The Effects: How Did It Change My Life?

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I'll give this a go, i can't sleep at all. have removed the kids section.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- nearly always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- yes

3. I feel ashamed. -- yes

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- sometimes

7. I want to die. -- feel like it but no, don't actually want to

8. I want to kill myself. -- no

9. I hate myself. -- often

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- yes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- often

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- often

13. I'm often confused. -- always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. -- no

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- no

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- yes

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- yes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- no but i worry i am a liar and don't realise it

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- very often

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- very often

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- yes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- yes, want to cry but can't, very numb

7. I cry all the time. -- no,all cried out it feels

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- yes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- often

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- very often angry

12. I get depressed a lot. -- yes, had severe depression for couple of years

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- very often

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- yes

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- very often

2. I frequently space out. -- nearly always

3. My body often feels numb. -- sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- yes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- yes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- don't think so

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- no, not had any

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- no

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- yes, don't go

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- often

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- yes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- no

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- often

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- no

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- yes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- often

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- no

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- no

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- no

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- don't have one

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- n/a

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- yes - got a boyfriend but not serious yet

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- yes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- only had sex once with the perpetrator and then raped next morning

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- often

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- no

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- no

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- no

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- no

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- no

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- no

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- no

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- no

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- no

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- no

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- yes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- yes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- no

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- n/a

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- no

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- no

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- not with parents but yes to all other members

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- yes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- yes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never -- it just won't happen

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- very sad, still very raw

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- body image - might seem odd but having hated my body all my life I like to think i can't have been looking too bad that night - sounds shallow but maybe thats a twisted positive..ughh am just clutching at straws, i sound pathetic

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- he had control of me

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... too early, only admitted to it in last 24 hours

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my feelings of being fundamentally different from other people - loneliness

8. I was surprised by... my honesty, am proud of that, think have demonstrated notable bravery today

9. I learned... that I am stronger than i thought possible :unsure:

:confused:

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This helped me.Goodnight x

Edited by SorchaLuna

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1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- Usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- Usually

4. I'm different from other people. -- sometimes

5. I feel powerless. -- sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- rarely

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- sometimes

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. -- Rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- sometimes - I dont feel my feelings are important or valid.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- usually - its better now then it was 2 months ago. Therapy :)

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- usually

7. I cry all the time. -- sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- sometimes

16. I've been violent. -- sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- sometimes

2. I frequently space out. -- usually

3. My body often feels numb. -- usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- sometimes

7. I hide my body. -- sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. -- always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- usually

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- rarely

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- never Im male

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- never

7. I don't know what love is. -- sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- Usually

10. I test people a lot. -- rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- Usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- usually

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- Sometimes - its been 6 months, thats a long time for me.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely - scary but not disgusting..

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- usually

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- Usually

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- usually

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- rarely

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- sometimes

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- usually

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- usually

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- never. Im not a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- Sometimes - I only speak to my sister I cut the rest off.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- rarely

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- sometimes

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- sometimes - it would be nice.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Nausious, but calmer then before I started the questons.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- changewise self esteem, being connected to my emotions and my body.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- family. I dont get on with family, that wont change.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- Sexuality, I miss the intimacy but Im very screwed up in that area... so no sex for me for a while.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... emotions, sexuality.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... emotions.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... shame.

8. I was surprised by... my progress in relation to my body and emotions, my lack of progress in sexuality.

9. I learned... that looking at issues rather then hiding from them can bring me a portion of peace when I feel conflicted, confused and numb.

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1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- usually

3. I feel ashamed. -- Usually

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- rarely

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- always

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- usually

13. I'm often confused. -- always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- usually

15. I'm scared of success. -- sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- always

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- rarely

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- always

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- always

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- rarely, tons of emotions.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- always

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- always

16. I've been violent. -- sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- usually

2. I frequently space out. -- usually

3. My body often feels numb. -- usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals -- somtimes

6. I think my body is ugly. -- usually

7. I hide my body. -- usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- usually

10. I often eat compulsively. -- always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- usually

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- never

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- Usually

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- sometimes, in the past.

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- usually

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- never

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- usually

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- sometimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- usually

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- sometimes

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- usually

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- rarely

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- never

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- always

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- sometimes

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- usually

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never, i'm not waiting for them anymore.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Sick, like a monster.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- most of it.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- my family, they're always going to be like that, they always have been.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- Parenting/Children

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... all of it, except family.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sexuality

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... the emotional part

8. I was surprised by... the detail of this exercise.

9. I learned... that there's too much of my crap piled up in this one post. It's like a concentrated version of my worst qualities.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- rarely

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- always

7. I want to die. -- sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. -- sometimes

9. I hate myself. -- sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- always

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- usually

13. I'm often confused. -- usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- usually

15. I'm scared of success. -- ALWAYS!

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- never

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- usually

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- a little bit

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think my feelings are important. In fact, sometimes I think I should be beyond them.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- used to. I've gotten a bit better at this, but my emotional range is still kinda low (well, the ones I can identify at least).

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- a lot

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- sometimes

16. I've been violent. -- a lot

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- N/A

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- sometimes

2. I frequently space out. -- I don't think there's ever been a time when I'm not spaced out.

3. My body often feels numb. -- a lot

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- No, unless autism counts. I'm not too sure about that one.

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- never

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- usually

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- true

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- never. On the contrary, I blindly trust and love everyone and then get really hurt and angry when they eventually betray that trust

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- a lot

10. I test people a lot. -- never

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- depends on the day, though I will always hate sleeping alone.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- not really... I'm generally the inaccessible one in the relationship, I'm told

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- N/A, I don't have one

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- usually, though I'm working on it

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- I've never had sex, so N/A

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarelyy

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- N/A

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- sometimes. Though it sometimes feels like the rest of the world is oversexed, not me.

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- never

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- definitely, I'm a dom :P

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- N/A

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- never

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- N/A

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- quite a bit, actually, though they're always ~consensual~ fantasies. Rape is not hot, man.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- never

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- sometimes, though I'm generally more comfortable with them than I am with adults

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- rarely

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- ALWAYS

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- N/A

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- always, because of the oh-so-fuckin' wonderful desi culture. Oh, and my mum. >.<

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- alwyas

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never -- it just won't happen

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- a bit nervous, actually.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- family and intimacy

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- sexuality. Brilliant. ^_^

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the ones about intimacy

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in my family. All I have to do is leave. I'm just biding my time.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sexuality and, would you believe it, emotions.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my self-esteem.

8. I was surprised by... none of them, really, I always knew I was a fuck up.

9. I learned... that I've got a lot of work to do.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- Always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- always

7. I want to die. -- always

8. I want to kill myself. -- always

9. I hate myself. -- always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- always

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- sometimes

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- always

15. I'm scared of success. -- ALWAYS!

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- always

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- never

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. --some

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never -- I'm usually swamped with emotions

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- never

7. I cry all the time. -- always

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- never

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- always

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- always

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- rarely

14. I have panic attacks. -- rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- sometimes

16. I've been violent. -- sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. – never –I have been volatile many times

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. – sometimes – it has gotten A LOT better

2. I frequently space out. -- sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. -- rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. -- always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) – not anymore!!

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- sometimes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- always

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. – always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- always

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. – rarely. I’m a little clingy to my husband, but no one else

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- always

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- rarely

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- usually

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. – my past sexual abuse always creates problems

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- rarely

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. --never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. – in the past a lot

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- sometimes

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. – almost always

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. --always

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- NA

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- NA

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- NA

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- NA

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- NA

8. I've successfully protected children. -- NA

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- always

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- NA

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. – always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -always - I made a boundary with my sister that I refuse to be a**sed by her (emotional, verbal a**se) and the rest of my family rejected me as a result.

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. – never, but we never talk about it. When we do, they make me feel worse.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. – always, but it will never happen

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... – self conscious, ashamed, depressed and like I'm 2inches tall and not deserving of happiness or normalcy.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... – relationships with everyone. I just cannot connect with others. I feel suicidal constantly and I’m extremely self conscious. I feel like I’m living every day vs living and enjoying life. My family have all abandoned me and I feel very alone. I fight with my husband a lot and I don’t feel that anyone cares that I was abused. I feel like I will never be “normal” and that everyone is always one rung above me. I will never succeed in life or reach my goals. I’m overweight and eat to feel better. I don’t have many friends and feel like no one wants to be around me. I feel really invisible.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... – I’ve been affected in all areas, so I can’t really answer this.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... – the areas where I’ve been most affected.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... I feel really hopeless right now.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... cutting, disassociation, suicidal behaviors, flashbacks, panic attacks, I’m less volatile, and I’m able to set boundaries with my family.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... suicidal ideation, relationships, accomplishing goals, and enjoying life.

8. I was surprised by... being less paranoid and scared.

9. I learned... that all these feelings are normal for survivors of sexual abuse.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- a lot

4. I'm different from other people. -- sometimes

5. I feel powerless. -- a lot

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- sometimes

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- almost always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- rarely

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- usually

15. I'm scared of success. -- always

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- rarely, but i'm so scared of failing I don't want to try

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- never

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- sometimes... I don't mine are as important as others

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- never

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- rarely

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- always

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- often

2. I frequently space out. -- always

3. My body often feels numb. -- sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- never

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never...not anymore

10. I often eat compulsively. -- sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- sometimes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- always

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes. I have a hard time being nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- sometimes. i refuse to be alone in crowds, especially parties

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- never

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- never. I have in the past

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- rarely (not so much anymore)

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- never

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- they dont know

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- okay, a little overwhelmed.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- my body image and self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- family. they don't know and probably never will, I'm too embarrassed to tell them

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the ones about my body image

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self esteem issues

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sexuality and confidence within a relationship, building trust

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... How I feel in a crowd, at a party, or around alcohol.

8. I was surprised by... some of my responses

9. I learned... that the more I deal with it rather than avoid it, the better I feel

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- never

3. I feel ashamed. -- rarely

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- rarely

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- never

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- never

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- never

15. I'm scared of success. -- never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- never

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- never

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- rarely

12. I get depressed a lot. -- never

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- rarely

14. I have panic attacks. -- never

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- never

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- never

2. I frequently space out. -- never

3. My body often feels numb. -- never

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- never

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- never

6. I think my body is ugly. -- rarely

7. I hide my body. -- sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- often

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- rarely--- I have a doc I REALLY trust

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- always

10. I test people a lot. -- rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- ALWAYS hard for me to be nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- never

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- never

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- never

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- current for me as my partner died

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- never

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. -- rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- never

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- never, I LOVE being with kids!

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. --

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- never

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- never

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never, they never have and never will

********************

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- mostly

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- no

3. I feel ashamed. -- mostly

4. I'm different from other people. -- always. ALWAYS.

5. I feel powerless. -- most of the time!

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- YES

7. I want to die. -- SOMETIMES

8. I want to kill myself. -- at times

9. I hate myself. -- I try not to.

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- ALWAYS

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- FALSE

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- NEVER

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- YES YES AND YES

15. I'm scared of success. -- Not sure

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- YES

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- MAYBE

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- MAYBE

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- NO

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- NEVER

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are -- ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never -- DEPENDS ON THE MOMENT

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- SOMEWHAT

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- YES

7. I cry all the time. -- I NEED TO CRY MUCH MORE

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- YES

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- yes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- kind of

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- maybe

12. I get depressed a lot. -- absolutely

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- no

14. I have panic attacks. -- no

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- don't trust myself

16. I've been violent. -- no

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- no!

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- yes

2. I frequently space out. -- yes

3. My body often feels numb. -- yes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- no

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- no

10. I often eat compulsively. -- no

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- I don't eat enough

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- nope

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- maybe

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- yes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- YES

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- not really

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- TRUE

3. I don't have many friends. -- TRUE

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- NO

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- Absolutely Not.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- Not true at ALL

7. I don't know what love is. -- Not true!!

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- Yes

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- Yes

10. I test people a lot. -- maybe...not sure.

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- Both are correct :(

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- I am not clingy enough

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- I wish people got closer.

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- No :)

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- I sniff out those types before they get a chance to.

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- No :)

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- Yes. Before I started healing.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- He broke up with me. Yes, we were struggling alot.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- Yes :((((((

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- YES, GODDAMNIT

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- Untrue.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- No.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- I think the very opposite

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- No.

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- Not at all

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- Perhaps

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- YES, always has.

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- No.

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- No

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- No

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- never have and never will.

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- Yes, unfortunately.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- Yes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- Yes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- No

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- No

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- NO

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- No

21. I've sexually abused others. -- No!

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- ALL THE FREAKING TIME :(

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- Yes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- No

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- Not sure. Not enough experience with kids.

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- n/a

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- n/a

8. I've successfully protected children. -- n/a

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- Sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- NO

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- Absolutely!

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- YES!!!

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- NO

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- YES :(((

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- ALWAYS

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- Always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- Yes, it is.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Yes, I am still hopeful.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- Very upset and stuck

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- Self-esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- Intimacy?

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- Relationship hardship truths

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... -- I don't know, frankly.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... -- I don't think I have.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... -- My self esteem.

8. I was surprised by... -- I'll come back to this in one year

9. I learned... -- That I am really upset.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- Hence my compulsion to bathe before and after all activities.

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- I think this is a natural response to living.

3. I feel ashamed. -- More often than not.

4. I'm different from other people. -- I often feel misunderstood but I realize that everyone feels this way.

5. I feel powerless. -- I feel like many things are out of my control.

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- I believe if I disclosed many of the thoughts I have about myself, my fears, and my sadness to it's true extent, even the people that love me would find it difficult and maybe impossible to be in my presence.

7. I want to die. -- When I'm at my worst and when I am most curious.

8. I want to kill myself. -- No.

9. I hate myself. -- This is a thought that crosses my mind frequently.

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- I rely heavily on my significant other. I am uncomfortable with this as this was never the case in previous romantic, or even familial relationships.

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- I try to make others happy.

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- I trust my intuition more than I trust my feelings.

13. I'm often confused. -- 75% of the the time I am oblivious to most realities.

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- I have difficulty saving money and completing ordinary chores.

15. I'm scared of success. -- Most of my coworkers and bosses have found this utterly unwarranted but I am in constant fear of losing my job.

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- I am a perfectionist and this prevents me from meeting any expectations I have set for myself. Or perceive others to expect from me. They tend to be unrealistic. True to perfectionistic personalities, I fall short more often than I succeed.

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- I've worked two jobs since I graduated high school.

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- Yes.

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- I wish.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- When I was in high school. I needed clothes. This is probably the only law I've broken with good reason.

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I'm not a fan of my own personal feelings.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- This is accurate.

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- Sometimes.

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- I was this way until the age of 22.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- Surprisingly.

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- Not anymore.

7. I cry all the time. -- Pretty much.

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- If this happens, I'm not aware. I like to be happy. I try to be happy.

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- I like when things are relaxed and calm.

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- Not enraged. Frustrated is a better word. Usually with myself.

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- Anger confuses me.

12. I get depressed a lot. -- I am ashamed of this.

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- Yes.

14. I have panic attacks. -- More now than ever before.

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- If I could stop the world from turning for a brief moment in time to let myself go, without consequence and all alone - I'd most likely find it to be a long awaited breath of fresh air.

16. I've been violent. -- Yes.

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- This used to be true.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- This is true.

2. I frequently space out. -- Frequently.

3. My body often feels numb. -- My body usually hurts with no viable explanation.

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- For as long as I can remember.

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- I pay too much attention.

6. I think my body is ugly. -- Yes.

7. I hide my body. -- I feel terrible for my boyfriend. I change clothes in another room. I used to dance around in my underwear in his presence.

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- I only seem to concentrate at full capacity when I am painting. When all feelings/thoughts fall away. Painting enables me to be acutely present.

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- I have been guilty of the former but this is not true at this moment in time.

10. I often eat compulsively. -- As of late.

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- Not anymore.

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- Not anymore.

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- Yes. Unexplained bleeding during sex, and aches and pains.

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- Spontaneously for short periods of time.

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- During a d & c procedure.

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- I'm nervous about going to the dentist but it is a completely unrelated and typical fear.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- I haven't been since I was 18.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- Often.

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- I don't know.

3. I don't have many friends. -- I don't require many friends.

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- False.

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- This belief has always been present in the back of my mind. So much so that my best friend was floored when I told her I'd like to marry my current boyfriend. I fantasizes about being a single parent and moving to Paris with my fantastical daughter until I met him.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- This is true.

7. I don't know what love is. -- I know what love is now.

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- I'll tell a stranger all of my secrets.

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- This seems to be a reoccurring theme.

10. I test people a lot. -- No.

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- Being nurtured is more difficult for me than to nurture others. I believe I was born to nurture others.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- I'm not afraid to be alone.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- False.

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- Yes.

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- No.

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- I have done this.

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- No.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- He's amazing. My self esteem is why I struggle within the relationship. Worrying I am not as happy, attractive, talented, racy, or intelligent enough for him. I try my damnedest not to involve him in this negativity.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- Absolutely not.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- It has. Around the 9th anniversary, I became completely psychotic and delusional. Also partially due to a medication combination gone horrifically wrong. I attempted suicide. Now, I've scarred him in ways I'll regret for life. I've also been triggered during sex. I've cried, and I've bailed to hide in the kitchen on the floor because all I knew to do was to separate myself from the situation. I'm not available emotionally during sex. I never truly have been. Men I've been physically intimate have always been the ones to cry, or cuddle. Men's sexual propensity is most injurious, and distressing to me now that I am romantically invested. This is not his fault. He has a heart of gold. It's just that I've yet to find a way around the ache that manifests in my mind and literal physical body on the subject of man and his natural provocative inclination. I'm trying very hard to change this about myself.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- False.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- I've been celibate by choice a few times in order to recollect myself.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- The thought has crossed my mind.

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- False.

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- I prefer to make him happy but pleasure is not absent in the process.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- No.

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- No.

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- Completely. If that is not the motivation, it can be very confusing for me and I'm afraid my guy isn't satisfied.

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- No.

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- I have in the past.

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- I'm terrible at it.

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- Absolutely not.

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- Yes.

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- I don't know how to do that.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- Not numb, just concerned with how he's feeling.

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- I understand it to a certain degree but it can be terrifying personally.

17. I often have flashbacks of my assault while making love. -- Occasionally.

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- Absolutely not.

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- Sadistic behavior is not appealing whatsoever. However, as my first sexual encounter was violent - I associate sex with violence. As I explained in #16, this can be terrifying personally. I can also see how this could be perplexing to someone who wants to have sex with you to convey their love for you.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- I don't know.

21. I've sexually abused others. -- Never.

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- No.

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- Kids are the sweetest.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- No.

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- If you have a child, you have to take care of yourself in order to provide them with the environment, health, and love they deserve.

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- I'm not a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- No way.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- This is true.

8. I've successfully protected children. -- I protected my brother throughout our childhood.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- Never.

10. I have abused children. -- NO.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- I don't have kids.

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- Yes.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- Yes.

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- Sometimes.

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- It's happened.

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- I can be a real jerk sometimes.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- Honest is all we are.

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- My family is aware.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- I'm very lucky to have a supportive family in this manner.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- I'm not sure.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- Intimacy and self esteem.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- My family/children/parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- Intimacy and self esteem.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... -- I have no idea.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... -- Intimacy.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... -- Self esteem.

8. I was surprised by... -- Just how intertwined violence and my sexuality are.

9. I learned... -- I have a lot to work on.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- Hence my compulsion to bathe before and after all activities.

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- I think this is a natural response to living.

3. I feel ashamed. -- More often than not.

4. I'm different from other people. -- I often feel misunderstood but I realize that everyone feels this way.

5. I feel powerless. -- I feel like many things are out of my control.

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- I believe if I disclosed many of the thoughts I have about myself, my fears, and my sadness to it's true extent, even the people that love me would find it difficult and maybe impossible to be in my presence.

7. I want to die. -- When I'm at my worst and when I am most curious.

8. I want to kill myself. -- No.

9. I hate myself. -- This is a thought that crosses my mind frequently.

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- I rely heavily on my significant other. I am uncomfortable with this as this was never the case in previous romantic, or even familial relationships.

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- I try to make others happy.

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- I trust my intuition more than I trust my feelings.

13. I'm often confused. -- 75% of the the time I am oblivious to most realities.

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- I have difficulty saving money and completing ordinary chores.

15. I'm scared of success. -- Most of my coworkers and bosses have found this utterly unwarranted but I am in constant fear of losing my job.

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- I am a perfectionist and this prevents me from meeting any expectations I have set for myself. Or perceive others to expect from me. They tend to be unrealistic. True to perfectionistic personalities, I fall short more often than I succeed.

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- I've worked two jobs since I graduated high school.

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- Yes.

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- I wish.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- When I was in high school. I needed clothes. This is probably the only law I've broken with good reason.

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I'm not a fan of my own personal feelings.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- This is accurate.

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- Sometimes.

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- I was this way until the age of 22.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- Surprisingly.

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- Not anymore.

7. I cry all the time. -- Pretty much.

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- If this happens, I'm not aware. I like to be happy. I try to be happy.

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- I like when things are relaxed and calm.

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- Not enraged. Frustrated is a better word. Usually with myself.

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- Anger confuses me.

12. I get depressed a lot. -- I am ashamed of this.

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- Yes.

14. I have panic attacks. -- More now than ever before.

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- If I could stop the world from turning for a brief moment in time to let myself go, without consequence and all alone - I'd most likely find it to be a long awaited breath of fresh air.

16. I've been violent. -- Yes.

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- This used to be true.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- This is true.

2. I frequently space out. -- Frequently.

3. My body often feels numb. -- My body usually hurts with no viable explanation.

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- For as long as I can remember.

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- I pay too much attention.

6. I think my body is ugly. -- Yes.

7. I hide my body. -- I feel terrible for my boyfriend. I change clothes in another room. I used to dance around in my underwear in his presence.

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- I only seem to concentrate at full capacity when I am painting. When all feelings/thoughts fall away. Painting enables me to be acutely present.

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- I have been guilty of the former but this is not true at this moment in time.

10. I often eat compulsively. -- As of late.

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- Not anymore.

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- Not anymore.

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- Yes. Unexplained bleeding during sex, and aches and pains.

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- Spontaneously for short periods of time.

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- During a d & c procedure.

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- I'm nervous about going to the dentist but it is a completely unrelated and typical fear.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- I haven't been since I was 18.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- Often.

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- I don't know.

3. I don't have many friends. -- I don't require many friends.

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- False.

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- This belief has always been present in the back of my mind. So much so that my best friend was floored when I told her I'd like to marry my current boyfriend. I fantasizes about being a single parent and moving to Paris with my fantastical daughter until I met him.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- This is true.

7. I don't know what love is. -- I know what love is now.

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- I'll tell a stranger all of my secrets.

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- This seems to be a reoccurring theme.

10. I test people a lot. -- No.

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- Being nurtured is more difficult for me than to nurture others. I believe I was born to nurture others.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- I'm not afraid to be alone.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- False.

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- Yes.

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- No.

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- I have done this.

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- No.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- He's amazing. My self esteem is why I struggle within the relationship. Worrying I am not as happy, attractive, talented, racy, or intelligent enough for him. I try my damnedest not to involve him in this negativity.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- Absolutely not.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- It has. Around the 9th anniversary, I became completely psychotic and delusional. Also partially due to a medication combination gone horrifically wrong. I attempted suicide. Now, I've scarred him in ways I'll regret for life. I've also been triggered during sex. I've cried, and I've bailed to hide in the kitchen on the floor because all I knew to do was to separate myself from the situation. I'm not available emotionally during sex. I never truly have been. Men I've been physically intimate have always been the ones to cry, or cuddle. Men's sexual propensity is most injurious, and distressing to me now that I am romantically invested. This is not his fault. He has a heart of gold. It's just that I've yet to find a way around the ache that manifests in my mind and literal physical body on the subject of man and his natural provocative inclination. I'm trying very hard to change this about myself.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- False.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- I've been celibate by choice a few times in order to recollect myself.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- The thought has crossed my mind.

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- False.

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- I prefer to make him happy but pleasure is not absent in the process.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- No.

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- No.

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- Completely. If that is not the motivation, it can be very confusing for me and I'm afraid my guy isn't satisfied.

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- No.

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- I have in the past.

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- I'm terrible at it.

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- Absolutely not.

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- Yes.

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- I don't know how to do that.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- Not numb, just concerned with how he's feeling.

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- I understand it to a certain degree but it can be terrifying personally.

17. I often have flashbacks of my assault while making love. -- Occasionally.

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- Absolutely not.

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- Sadistic behavior is not appealing whatsoever. However, as my first sexual encounter was violent - I associate sex with violence. As I explained in #16, this can be terrifying personally. I can also see how this could be perplexing to someone who wants to have sex with you to convey their love for you.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- I don't know.

21. I've sexually abused others. -- Never.

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- No.

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- Kids are the sweetest.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- No.

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- If you have a child, you have to take care of yourself in order to provide them with the environment, health, and love they deserve.

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- I'm not a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- No way.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- This is true.

8. I've successfully protected children. -- I protected my brother throughout our childhood.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- Never.

10. I have abused children. -- NO.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- I don't have kids.

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- Yes.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- Yes.

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- Sometimes.

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- It's happened.

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- I can be a real jerk sometimes.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- Honest is all we are.

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- My family is aware.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- I'm very lucky to have a supportive family in this manner.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- I'm not sure.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- Intimacy and self esteem.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- My family/children/parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- Intimacy and self esteem.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... -- I have no idea.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... -- Intimacy.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... -- Self esteem.

8. I was surprised by... -- Just how intertwined violence and my sexuality are.

9. I learned... -- I have a lot to work on.

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ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Never

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Seldom

3. I feel ashamed. Never

4. I'm different from other people. Often

5. I feel powerless. Often

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Never

7. I want to die. Seldom

8. I want to kill myself. Seldom

9. I hate myself. Never

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Seldom

13. I'm often confused. Sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Rarely

15. I'm scared of success. Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. Always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Maybe? Consciously no

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Never

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Never

7. I cry all the time. Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. Often

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Often

14. I have panic attacks. Controlled with meds-- used to

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Often

16. I've been violent. Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Rarely

2. I frequently space out. Sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. Never

7. I hide my body. Not purposefully

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. No

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. Rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) I'll take my finger nail and force it into my wrist till it hurts sometimes...Not sure if thats self harm.

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Yes, somatic disorder, PTSD, anxiety

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Not for that reaso

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. No

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. No

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Little anxious

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Often

3. I don't have many friends. False

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Eh

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. No

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. No

7. I don't know what love is. I do

8. I find it hard to trust people. Often

9. I think people are going to leave me. Often

10. I test people a lot. Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. No

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Often

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. Often

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. No

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. No

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. No

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Currently single

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. No

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. Past secual abuse possibly

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. No

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. No

3. I really think sex is disgusting. No

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. No

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. No

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed". No

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. No

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. No

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. No

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. No

12. I've sold myself for sex. no

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. no

14. I need to control everything about sex. no

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. No

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. No

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. No

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. No

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. S&M light, nothing extreme or violent

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Used to be

21. I've sexually abused others. No

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. No

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. No

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. No

7. I tend to be overprotective. Yes

8. I've successfully protected children. Yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Sometimes

10. I have abused children. No

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. No

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) no

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. No

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. No

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. No

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. No

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today

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Hello. I am new on this Forum. I wish I had found it ages ago! :( I think it could have helped with a lot of things that I still continue to have problems with. Now that I have found it, I would like to work my way through the posts/threads to see what I can learn from, help myself further on.

This one seemed like a really good place to start!

SELF ESTEEM
1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- Sometimes.
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- Yes.
3. I feel ashamed. -- I used to a lot, now it's just a bit.
4. I'm different from other people. -- I feel different, I can't communicate properly anymore, think I come across to other people sometimes as a little bit 'odd'.
5. I feel powerless. -- Sometimes.
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- I think that sometimes.
7. I want to die. -- I used to a lot, now I know it's not what I want, but when it's a really really bad day.
8. I want to kill myself. -- No.
9. I hate myself. -- Often.
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- Often. I have been trying to make much more of an effort with this though lately.
11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- I think that I do.
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- I don't know what to trust any more. Sometimes I feel numb, other times I feel everything, everything's very confused.
13. I'm often confused. -- See 12 above!
14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- I am now very pessimistic. I have goals but don't know how to achieve them. I have to be very methodical in my approach with things.
15. I'm scared of success. -- I don't like to be made the centre of attention.
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- I doubt myself a lot, what I am capable of.
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- I busy myself with work so I don't have to sit still or try to relax or think.
18. I'm a perfectionist. -- I wouldn't say I was a perfectionist but I do have values, morals, ethics, I strive to do the best that I can do.
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- No.
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- No

MY FEELINGS - TO FOLLOW - I've ran out of time (in my lunch hour!)




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ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Seldom

3. I feel ashamed. Often

4. I'm different from other people. Sometimes

5. I feel powerless. Often

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Yep

7. I want to die. Often

8. I want to kill myself. Often

9. I hate myself. Often

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Often

13. I'm often confused. Often

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. Sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. Always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Sadly, yes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Often

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Often

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Often

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Never

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Always

7. I cry all the time. Never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Always

12. I get depressed a lot. Often

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. Sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Often

16. I've been violent. Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Often

2. I frequently space out. Often

3. My body often feels numb. Often

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Always

6. I think my body is ugly. ????? Wouldn't know, it's a stranger

7. I hide my body. ?????

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. No

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. Never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Often

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Yes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Maybe

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Yes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Never go

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Often

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. True

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. ?????

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Yep

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Yes

7. I don't know what love is. False

8. I find it hard to trust people. Often

9. I think people are going to leave me. I wish...

10. I test people a lot. Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Yes, be nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Never

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. Often

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. No

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Yes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Yes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Very much

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Yes

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. Yes, nightmare

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. No

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. No

3. I really think sex is disgusting. No

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. No

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Yes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. No

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed". No

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Yes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. No

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Yes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. No

12. I've sold myself for sex. no

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Yes

14. I need to control everything about sex. Yes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Yes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Yes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Yes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. No

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Yes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Ish

21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. No

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. No

5. (For parents) -----

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Yes

8. I've successfully protected children. Yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never

10. I have abused children. No

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Very

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). Yes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Yes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Often

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Yes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Ish

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Given up

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today

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Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes, my medications help a lot

3. I feel ashamed. Only during flashbacks

4. I'm different from other people. It changes people, no one can truely understand until it happens to them, or so I've found at least.

5. I feel powerless. Fairly often

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. No, my friends and relatives know me very well. I've made some mistakes, but people love me still

7. I want to die. Used to be frequently, but now 5 months after my end assault, I'm actually doing ok. Again, my meds are helping me a lot smile.png

8. I want to kill myself. See #7

9. I hate myself. Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Depends on the day

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Occasionally I feel this way

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. I always 2nd guess my judgements

13. I'm often confused.

During my low swings and flashbacks, I can't always tell where I am

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Used to be a problem, but I'm getting better at it with treatment smile.png

15. I'm scared of success. Nope

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Often, but meds and a low stress lifestyle have helped

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Nope

18. I'm a perfectionist. Yepp

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. A few, mostly to cover shameful things

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Nope, they're very important

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

Often. I feel a weird mix of indistinguishable emotions

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

Rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

No, but it has beel limited

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Strangely, no

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Some days

7. I cry all the time.

It used to be every day, but my current treatment has helped me accept what happened.

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. No

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Often

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Every other day

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

No, but it does scare me

12. I get depressed a lot.

Yes

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

No

14. I have panic attacks.

Often

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

Without meds, very out of control

16. I've been violent.

Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

Sometimes it feels that way, but I have more than enough control to keep myself stable

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

Not most of the time, but it happens every couple days

2. I frequently space out.

Yes

3. My body often feels numb.

Often

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

Sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

Yepp

6. I think my body is ugly.

1/2 the time

7. I hide my body. Sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

No

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

I used to, but I've had a couple wake up calls that made me cut out drugs and limit my drinking considerably

10. I often eat compulsively.

No

11. I keep myself from eating or binge/purge.

No

12. I hurt myself on purpose

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

No physical illnesses

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

Some

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

No, but my yearly physical is coming up, and inevitably my genitals will have to be looked at, which might be a problem.

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

No

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

N/A

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

Yes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

Haven't had one since

3. I don't have many friends.

No

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

N/A

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

No, but I'd be ok with it.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

No

7. I don't know what love is.

No, because it has been shown to me unconditionally since my abuse. Plus, I know what it's not.

8. I find it hard to trust people.

Sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me.

Fairly often

10. I test people a lot.

No.No, only rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

No

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

A bit

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

No

14. I have a hard time saying no.

Yes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

Yes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

No

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

N/A

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

N/A, but it worries me, even if my partner ends up being a woman (I'm bi)

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

N/A

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

No, but I do feel this way sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

No

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

Sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

Sometimes, and it worries me

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

Always has been this way, even before the abuse.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

No

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

No

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

Half the time

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

No, I find it to be much more satisfying than sex. Cuddling and holding hands make me feel amazing smile.png

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

Yes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

No, but I'm damn good at it.

12. I've sold myself for sex.

The First time I was abused, I tried to, but I couldn't consent and I was drugged on top of it. I'm not proud of it :%

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

No

14. I need to control everything about sex.

Yes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

Yes, always have though.

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

Sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

No

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

Sometimes

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

Yes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

Sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others.

God no! Sexual abuse is something no one should ever have to go through.

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

No

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

No, I have a great relationship with my younger cousins, and they mean the world to me. I feel an obligation to help them make better decisions than I have, and They look at me as a role model.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

No

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

No, but I also don't have any of my own

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

N/A

7. I tend to be overprotective.

N/a

8. I've successfully protected children.

N/a

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

Very rarely

10. I have abused children.

No!

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

N/A

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

No

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

No, they're very loving loving, for which I am incredibly grateful

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

No

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

Not at all

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

No

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

No

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

Better now that I've put them in an organized fashion, and I've realized that I'm dealing with both my experiences better than I thought I was.

2. I have been most strongly affected in the areas of...

Feelings, esteem, and body

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

Familt

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

My propensity for dominance and control in sexual situations

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

My self esyeem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

Sexuality & trust

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

Esteem and feelings of safety

8. I was surprised by...

My need and acceptance of physical intimacy

9. I learned...

How I was affected in specific ways, rather than just the General categories that I had been thinking on, and now I feel that I have a better grasp on how to deal with this.

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

Always usually sometimes rarely never

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me - Always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy-Sometimes

3. I feel ashamed-Always

4. I'm different from other people-Always

5. I feel powerless-Usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave-Always

7. I want to die-Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself-Never

9. I hate myself-Always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself-Always

11. I don't deserve to be happy-Always

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings-Never

13. I'm often confused-Never

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them-Rarely

15. I'm scared of success-Always

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job-Always

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside-Always

18. I'm a perfectionist-Always if I get less than an 100% on a test in school (beauty school) I get really panicked

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life-Never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting-Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important-Always

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling-Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another-Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions-Always

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings-Always

6. I have a hard time crying freely-Sometimes

7. I cry all the time-Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy-Always

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm-Always

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time-Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me-Never

12. I get depressed a lot-Always

13. I have a lot of nightmares-Always

14. I have panic attacks-Always

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control-Always

16. I've been violent-Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be-Sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time-Usually

2. I frequently space out-Usually

3. My body often feels numb-Always

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me-Always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)-Always

6. I think my body is ugly-Always, honestly I don't know how my husband can stand to look at me or want to intimate with me. Because honestly if I was him I would not give me a second look

7. I hide my body-Always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up-Never, I have a genius level IQ and it was very alienating, and still is now that I am attending school again

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should-Never

10. I often eat compulsively-Never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up-Usually

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)-Never, but would if my husband was not so observant

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse-Unsure

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim-Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures-Always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth-always. I have kicked my dentist, on occasion.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist-Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet-Always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work-Always, I feel like it is only a matter of time before my husband abandons me

3. I don't have many friends-Always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover-Never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone-Always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved-Always

7. I don't know what love is-Always

8. I find it hard to trust people-Always

9. I think people are going to leave me-Always

10. I test people a lot-Always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else-Always

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone-Always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic-Sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no-Sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships-Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible-Never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser-Never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner-Sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser-Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship-Sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again-Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years-Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting-Rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it-Rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy-Rarely

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs-Rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"-Never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me-Sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying-Sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want-Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at-Sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex-Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me-Sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex-Never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking-Sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand-Sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love-Sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse-Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on-Sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality-Rarely

21. I've sexually abused others-Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children-Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids-Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids-Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own-n/a

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of-Never

7. I tend to be overprotective-Always

8. I've successfully protected children-Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive-Never

10. I have abused children-Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else)-n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family-Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)-Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family-Sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences-Sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family-Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family-Rarely

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family-Always, I rather family not know how abusive my ex's were

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me-Always

Overview

1. When I look over my responses, I feel.sad and really heart broken

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of. all the above

3. I was least affected in the areas of...unsure

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...all

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... unsure

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... honestly I don't feel like I have

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing..Self esteem and my body

8. I was surprised by..how bad it effected everything

9. I learned...It is going to take time to heal

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I appreciate this thread, and all your brave, honest responses. Thanks for inspiring me on my journey.

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