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The Effects: How Did It Change My Life?

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

The statements listed below are typical of the experiences and feelings of survivors of abuse. Since abuse affects people in different ways, some of the statements will apply to you and others won't. Looking at your answers can show you the areas of your life that have been most strongly influenced by the abuse.

If you've been working on these issues for some time, you can use this assessment to identify the progress you've made. Statements you would have identified with in the past may seem irrelevant to you today. A sentence you would have ranked "usually" a year or two ago may now get a "rarely" rating. If you've been healing for a while, try to focus on the areas in which you've made gains. Let yourself feel proud of the ways your answers have changed. Then go back through your answers and take a look at the areas that still need healing at attention.

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Never

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. Sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. Sometimes

5. I feel powerless. Sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Usually

7. I want to die. Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. Rarely

9. I hate myself. Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Never

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Rarely

13. I'm often confused. Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Never

15. I'm scared of success. Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

Never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Usually

18. I'm a perfectionist. Never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Always

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Sometimes

7. I cry all the time. Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Always dvsres me

12. I get depressed a lot. Sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Always

14. I have panic attacks. Sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Always

16. I've been violent. Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

Sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Always

2. I frequently space out. Always

3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Rarely

6. I think my body is ugly. Sometimes

7. I hide my body. Never

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Never

10. I often eat compulsively. Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Not yet.  I have very strong urges to.

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Sometimes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Never

3. I don't have many friends. Never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Never

7. I don't know what love is. Never

8. I find it hard to trust people. Never

9. I think people are going to leave me. Sometimes

10. I test people a lot. Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Never

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Never

14. I have a hard time saying no.

Never

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

Never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

Sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Never

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. Never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. SOmetimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Never

12. I've sold myself for sex. Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Never

14. I need to control everything about sex. Never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Never

21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Never

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never

10. I have abused children. Ive wondered, but rarely

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Never

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never (now)

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Scared

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Self esteem and my feelings

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Parenting and Children

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were.....That I am so out of touch with my feelings.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... None

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...None

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... My feelings

8. I was surprised by... My self esteem

9. I learned... I need to work on things much more than I have been.

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(Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.  sometimes

4. I'm different from other people.  sometimes

5. I feel powerless.  sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  rarely

7. I want to die. rarely

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy. never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. sometimes

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. sometimes

15. I'm scared of success.  rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist. sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. rarely

12. I get depressed a lot. usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). usually

6. I think my body is ugly. usually

7. I hide my body. usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

rarely

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

rarely

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. usually

3. I don't have many friends. sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. rarely

7. I don't know what love is. someitmes

8. I find it hard to trust people. usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. sometimes

10. I test people a lot. rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. rarely

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometiems

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. one year

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. rarely

14. I need to control everything about sex. never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

never

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others.

never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. sometiems

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

8. I've successfully protected children.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

10. I have abused children.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. rarely

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. rarely

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. sometimes

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...surprised but informed.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... feelings, sex, and intimacy.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... self esteem, my body.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...related to sex.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... intimacy.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...i have hope for all changes.

8. I was surprised by... the affect on my relationships.

9. I learned... I am very disinterested in sex.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. often

4. I'm different from other people. usually

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. usually

7. I want to die. Rarely

8. I want to kill myself. sometimes

9. I hate myself. Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. often

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. often

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. often

15. I'm scared of success. sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist. rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely. rarely

7. I cry all the time. often

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. usually

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. always

12. I get depressed a lot. often

13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. often

16. I've been violent. Rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. rsometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out. often

3. My body often feels numb. often

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). often

6. I think my body is ugly. often

7. I hide my body. often

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. alcohol, sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. often

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. often

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. wont' go

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. sometimes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. rarely

3. I don't have many friends. sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. often

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. often

7. I don't know what love is. rarely

8. I find it hard to trust people. sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me. often

10. I test people a lot. sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. i haven't adapted well to being nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. with h/b - often.  With s/o - rarely

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. always I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. rarely

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. rarely

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex. rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. always

8. I've successfully protected children. yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... confused

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

feelings, self-esteem, family

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

sexuality, children & parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

family.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

honesty in friendships, self-worth, self-care

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

Being vulnerable to trust

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

Family, body image,

8. I was surprised by...

my ability to share these personal thoughts with others

9. I learned...

that trust can exist

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Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. --Always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. --Always

3. I feel ashamed. --Always

4. I'm different from other people. --Always

5. I feel powerless. --Usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.--Always

7. I want to die. --Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. --Rarely

9. I hate myself. --Usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.--Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. --Usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.--Usually

13. I'm often confused. --Sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. --Usually

15. I'm scared of success.--Usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. --Usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. --Never

18. I'm a perfectionist. --Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.--Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. --Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.--Rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. --Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. --Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. --Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. --Usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. --Sometimes

7. I cry all the time. --Usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. --Usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. --Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. --Rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. --Rarely

12. I get depressed a lot. --Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. --Sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. --Sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. --Sometimes

16. I've been violent. --Sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. --Rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. --Rarely

2. I frequently space out. --Rarely

3. My body often feels numb. --Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. --Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). --Usually

6. I think my body is ugly. --Always

7. I hide my body. --Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. --Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. --Rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. --Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. --Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) --Always

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. --Rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. --Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. --Sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. --Sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. --Usually

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. --Rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. --Rarely

3. I don't have many friends. --Sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. --Rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. --Usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. --Always

7. I don't know what love is. --Never

8. I find it hard to trust people. --Rarely

9. I think people are going to leave me. --Always

10. I test people a lot. --Usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. --Rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. --Rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.--Always

14. I have a hard time saying no. --Always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. --Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. --Sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. --Never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. --Usually

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. --Rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. --Never

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. --Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. --Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. --Sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. --Never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. --Sometimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. --Rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" --Rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. --Usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. --Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. --Sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. --Sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex. --Usually

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. --Usually

14. I need to control everything about sex. --Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. --Rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. --Rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. --Sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. --Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. --Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. --Sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. --Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. --Usually

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. --Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. --Sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. --Always

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. --Always

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. --Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. --Usually

8. I've successfully protected children. --Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. --Sometimes

10. I have abused children. --Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). --Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. --Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) --Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. --Usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. --Usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. --Usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. --Usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. --Sometimes

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. --Usually

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

like I have a LOT to work on.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

I think self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

I think sexuality

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

I don't know

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

I don't know

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

I don't know

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

Everything

8. I was surprised by...

the fact that I don't know much

9. I learned...

That I have a lot to learn.

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Alright, I've truthfully been avoiding this thread for quite awhile now, but I'm going to try it. (Deep breath)  I promised myself I'd answer honestly, so here goes nothing...

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. always

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. often

7. I want to die. rarely

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. rarely

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. usually

15. I'm scared of success. usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never

18. I'm a perfectionist.  usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Not in the last 5 years or so.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Eeeek, not since I was about 15.

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually - everywhere but here on the boards!

6. I have a hard time crying freely. usually - especially if I'm not alone

7. I cry all the time. rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. rarely

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. never

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. someteims

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). usually

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body. always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. often

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. usually

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. usually

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. always

3. I don't have many friends. Truly close ones?  Not many.

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. often

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. rarely

8. I find it hard to trust people. always

9. I think people are going to leave me. sometimes

10. I test people a lot. usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Usually - especially being nurtured.  Nurturing others is second nature to me.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Not lately.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. ALWAYS

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. Always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Yep.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. You've got to be kidding...

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. rarely

14. I need to control everything about sex. usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. usually

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. rarely

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. usually

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). often

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Mostly, yeah.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. rarely - in large part because I've given up.

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

Proud of how far I've come in the area of self-esteem (believe it or not, it used to be A LOT worse), but also overwhelmed at how much I still have to work through.  Seeing it in black and white like that is a little frightening!

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Self-esteem and sexuality, though I dare say all of these areas need a lot of work.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Children and parenting, I guess.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Self-esteeem, emotions and some of the sexuality.  Especially the questions about SI, ED's and suicide.  I hate admitting that I'm not in complete control.  I hate having to take my mask off and show what's really there.  My mask gets pretty cozy at times.  Hmmmm...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... My self-esteem.  As hard as it will be, I've actually made a lot of progress already.  I'm learning to honor that. If I've done this much, I can do the rest. :)

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

My self-esteem.  I used to completely hate myself, and I used to have a major death wish.  I don't drink anymore - at least, not to numb the pain.  Intimacy - I'm slowly learning to trust others. Emotions - I've allowed myself to cry a little bit, and I have an easier time expressing my emotions.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... Sexuality.  I have sooo much to work on, and don't feel as if I have a whole lot to work WITH.

8. I was surprised by... The fact that I acutally answered this honestly.  Now, if I leave it posted, that will be another surprise.

9. I learned... That I've made a lot of progress, even though I still have a lot to work on.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. All the time

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. All the time

3. I feel ashamed. All the time

4. I'm different from other people. All the time

5. I feel powerless. All the time

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. All the time

7. I want to die. Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. Sometimes

9. I hate myself. All the time

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. True

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. True

13. I'm often confused. Always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. Sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Always

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. True

18. I'm a perfectionist. VERY true

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. False

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. True

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Always

7. I cry all the time. Every now and then

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. True

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. True

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Yes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. False

12. I get depressed a lot. VERY true

13. I have a lot of nightmares. True

14. I have panic attacks. True

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. ABSOLUTELY true

16. I've been violent. Yes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. N/A

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. True

2. I frequently space out. True

3. My body often feels numb. True

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. True

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. VERY true

7. I hide my body. True

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. No

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. N/A

10. I often eat compulsively. Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. True

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. N/A

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. True

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. True

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. True

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. True

3. I don't have many friends. True

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. N/A

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. VERY True

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. VERY true

7. I don't know what love is. True

8. I find it hard to trust people. VERY true

9. I think people are going to leave me. VERY true

10. I test people a lot. Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. True

14. I have a hard time saying no. True

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Sometime

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. N/A

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. N/A

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. N/A

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. N/A

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. N/A

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. VERY VERY TRUE

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. N/A (never had sex)

3. I really think sex is disgusting. VERY VERY VERY TRUE

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. True

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. N/A

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. N/A

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" N/A

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. N/A

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. N/A

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. N/A

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. N/A

12. I've sold myself for sex. N/A

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. N/A

14. I need to control everything about sex. N/A

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. N/A

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. N/A

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. N/A

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Yes

21. I've sexually abused others.No

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Always

8. I've successfully protected children. True

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never

10. I have abused children. Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. No

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. No

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. True

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. True

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. True

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. No

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In light of someone's assertion I'm "not moving forward", I thought I'd stop avoiding this exercise and "move forward" with it now...

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.<i>sometimes</i>

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.<i>always</i>

3. I feel ashamed.<i>always</i>

4. I'm different from other people.<i>always</i>

5. I feel powerless. <i>sometimes</i>

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.<i>usually</i>

7. I want to die. <i>sometimes</i>

8. I want to kill myself. <i>sometimes</i>

9. I hate myself. <i>sometimes</i>

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. <i>sometimes</i>

11. I don't deserve to be happy.<i>sometime</i>

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. <i>usually</i>

13. I'm often confused.<i>usually</i>

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.<i>usually</i>

15. I'm scared of success.<i>rarely</i>

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. <i>usually</i>

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. <i>rarely</i>

18. I'm a perfectionist. <i>sometimes</i>

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. <i>rarely</i>

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. <i>never</i>

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. <i>rarely</i>

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. <i>usually</i>

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. <i>sometimes</i>

4. I only experience one or two emotions. <i>rarely</i>

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. <i>always</i>

6. I have a hard time crying freely. <i>sometimes</i>

7. I cry all the time. <i>rarely</i>

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.<i>rarely</i>

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. <i>never</i>

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. <i>never</i>

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. <i>always</i>

12. I get depressed a lot. <i>usually</i>

13. I have a lot of nightmares. <i>sometimes</i>

14. I have panic attacks. <i>rarely</i>

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. <i>usually</i>

16. I've been violent. <i>never</i>

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. <i>never</i>

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. <i>sometimes</i>

2. I frequently space out. <i>always</i>

3. My body often feels numb. <i>rarely</i>

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. <i>sometimes</i>

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). <i>sometimes</i>

6. I think my body is ugly. <i>usually</i>

7. I hide my body. <i>sometimes</i>

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. <i>never</i>

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. <i>sometimes</i>

10. I often eat compulsively. <i>sometimes</i>

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. <i>sometimes</i>

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) <i>sometimes</i>

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. <i>rarely</i>

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. <i>sometimes</i>

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. <i>sometimes</i>

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. <i>never</i>

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. <i>ALWAYS</i>

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. <i>sometimes</i>

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. <i>usually</i>

3. I don't have many friends. <i>usually</i>

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. <i>rarely</i>

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.<i>sometimes</i>

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. <i>usually</i>

7. I don't know what love is. <i>rarely</i>

8. I find it hard to trust people. <i>usually</i>

9. I think people are going to leave me. <i>usually</i>

10. I test people a lot. <i>sometimes</i>

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. <i>Okay - two parts - to be nurtured - always - to nurture - rarely</i>

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. <i>always</i>

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. <i>sometimes</i>

14. I have a hard time saying no. <i>sometimes</i>

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. <i>rarely</i>

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.<i>usually</i>

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. <i>sometimes</i>

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.<i>n/a</i>

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. <i>n/a</i>

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. <i>n/a</i>

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. <i>rarely</i>

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.<i>never</i>

3. I really think sex is disgusting. <i>sometimes</i>

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. <i>rarely</i>

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. <i>rarely</i>

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.<i>sometimes</i>

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"<i>sometimes</i>

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. <i>never</i>

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. <i>never</i>

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.<i>never</i>

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.<i>sometimes</i>

12. I've sold myself for sex. <i>never</i>

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.<i>sometimes</i>

14. I need to control everything about sex.<i>rarely</i>

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. <i>never</i>

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. <i>rarely</i>

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. <i>never</i>

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.<i>never</i>

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.<i>never</i>

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. <i>sometimes</i>

21. I've sexually abused others. <i>never</i>

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. <i>sometimes</i>

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. <i>never</i>

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. <i>rarely</i>

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. <i>sometimes</i>

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. <i>n/a</i>

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. <i>sometimes</i>

7. I tend to be overprotective. <i>always</i>

8. I've successfully protected children. <i>rarely - that I feel this way</i>

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. <i>rarely</i>

10. I have abused children. <i>never</i>

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).<i>n/a</i>

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. <i>always</i>

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) <i>always</i>

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. <i>always</i>

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.<i>always</i>

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.<i>usually</i>

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. <i>always</i>

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.<i>always</i>

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. <i>never</i>

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

<i>Both discouraged and encouraged. It's true, that in some areas, I guess I really haven't made any progress. But then, I haven't *started* working on them, I haven't been ready to. In others, I've made huge leaps and bounds.</i>

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

<i>My family. My self esteem. And intimacy.</i>

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

<i>Sexuality, but that's because I've worked hard on this. It was an area that was most affected.</i>

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

<i>That I'm afraid of someday becoming abusive - not physically or sexually, but emotionally, or mentally, when I become, if I become, a mom. And that I feel perhaps I'm meant to be alone forever - which would automatically cancel out that fear.</i>

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

<i>Self esteem, because that's where my current counselor is pounding at me.</i>

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

<i>Sex. I've waited and let my body tell me when it was ready, and that's really paid off. I have fears, but for the most part, I think I'm healing and feeling that my sexuality is a lot healthier than if I'd pushed myself.</i>

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

<i>My family - because my relationship with them is a two way street, and I can't change their attitudes and behaviours. Nor can I let in much more hurt from them, by opening myself up, being vulnerable, and accepting their shit again.</i>

8. I was surprised by...

<i>Hmmm... </i>

9. I learned...

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. all the time

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. all the time

4. I'm different from other people.  all the time

5. I feel powerless. all the time

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. never

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. sometimes

9. I hate myself. all the time

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. all the time

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. never

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never

18. I'm a perfectionist. never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. ya

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. No

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Never

4. I only experience one or two emotions. no

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. no

6. I have a hard time crying freely. no

7. I cry all the time. all the time

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. ya

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. ya

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. no

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. yes

12. I get depressed a lot. yes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. yes

14. I have panic attacks. yes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. yes

16. I've been violent. no

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. no

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. true

2. I frequently space out. yes

3. My body often feels numb. yes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

yes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). yes

6. I think my body is ugly.

yes

7. I hide my body. yes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. no

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. yes

10. I often eat compulsively. yes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. no

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. no

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. no

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. yes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. yes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. yes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. yes

3. I don't have many friends. true

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. no

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. yes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. yes

7. I don't know what love is. no

8. I find it hard to trust people. yes

9. I think people are going to leave me. yes

10. I test people a lot. yes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. yes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. yes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. yes

14. I have a hard time saying no. no

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. yes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. yes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. yes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. no

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. no

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. no

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. yes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

3. I really think sex is disgusting. no

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. yes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. yes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. no

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" no

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. no

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. no

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. no

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. no

12. I've sold myself for sex. no

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. no

14. I need to control everything about sex. no

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. yes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

yes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

yes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. no

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. no

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. no

21. I've sexually abused others. no

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. no

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

8. I've successfully protected children.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

10. I have abused children.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. yes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)no

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. yes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. no

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. yes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. yes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. no

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. no

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... scared

anyone who can help please email me

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This is a post I am so excited about!  I have had my Courage to Heal workbook out lately for the first time in, I guess, about two and a half years, reading through everything I wrote in it two and a half years ago.  I did these exercises from this thread in my book, and I wanted to post my responses to these same questions now.  The difference in my answers is so exciting for me to realize, and I can really mark the progress of my healing journey.

It is so wonderful now to think of the "dark days" when I first started out on my healing journey and realize that healing really does happen.  If anyone is reading this who feels like they are drowning in memories, flashbacks and triggers and that they can't do this anymore, I hope so much that you can take hope that there really is healing and it really does get better.  My triggers and memories and nightmares and flashbacks and bad feelings and all of it....it's all so much less now.  So many of my triggers no longer even bother me now...I've been able to come to terms with so many things and view them as they truly are, not as I was "wired" to feel about them.  The abuse doesn't have the hold on me it once did.  I am not overwhelmed with depression...I have down days, but nothing at all like the depression I once struggled with.  I don't think about the abuse every day now...and when it does cross my mind, it's just a little "blip" on the radar and then gone.  It is no longer on the front burner of my life.  I feel like a healthy, whole woman.  It is still a part of me and always will be, but now I have a happy, peaceful life with healthy and well-rounded relationships.  I am still learning and growing.  When I look back now at how I felt two and half or so years ago, I am so amazed at the healing that's taken place, and how differently I feel now.  It's amazing.  Back then, I NEVER thought that I really would heal, honestly.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  

But enough blabbering!!!  I will first post my original questions and answers from then, when I really was in my crisis stage of healing and did these exercises.  Afterwards, I'll put my responses from today, 2004.

------------------------------------------------------------

2002

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  rarely

3. I feel ashamed.  always

4. I'm different from other people. always

5. I feel powerless. usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  sometimes

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself.  sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  usually

13. I'm often confused.  sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  usually

15. I'm scared of success.  sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.  never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. always

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  always

7. I cry all the time. rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.  usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  usually

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  usually

3. My body often feels numb. usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body.  always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  never

10. I often eat compulsively.  always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  sometimes

3. I don't have many friends.  rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  usually

7. I don't know what love is.  never

8. I find it hard to trust people.  always

9. I think people are going to leave me.  always

10. I test people a lot.  usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no.  usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  always

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  I'm married...

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  usually

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  rarely, unless it's my preferred SI method at the time

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  usually

14. I need to control everything about sex.  rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  always

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. usually

8. I've successfully protected children. sometimes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... ashamed, disgusted, saddened...also relieved that as a survivor, there is a process and I'm not alone.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... my ability to express emotions like a normal person.  my ability to stand up for myself.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...I don't know.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...how screwed up I am emotionally and sexually.   How screwed up my family is.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my emotional capability, my ability and willingness to trust.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...trusting, letting go, speaking about the abuse.  facing it.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my issues with my family.  The way my mom views everything.

8. I was surprised by...n/a

9. I learned...n/a

------------------------------------------------------------

2004

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  Rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.   Never

3. I feel ashamed.   Rarely

4. I'm different from other people.   Sometimes

5. I feel powerless.   Rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  Rarely

7. I want to die.   Never

8. I want to kill myself.   Never

9. I hate myself.   Rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.   Never

11. I don't deserve to be happy.   Never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.   Rarely

13. I'm often confused.   Rarely

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.   Rarely

15. I'm scared of success.   Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  Rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.   Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.  Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.   Never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  Rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.   Rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.   Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  Sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  Sometimes

7. I cry all the time.  Rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  Never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  Never

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  Rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.  Rarely

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  Rarely

14. I have panic attacks.  Rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  Never

16. I've been violent.  Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  Never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.   Rarely

2. I frequently space out.   Rarely

3. My body often feels numb.  Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.   Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).   Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.  Sometimes

7. I hide my body.   Sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.   Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  Never

10. I often eat compulsively.  Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  Rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  Never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  Sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  Rarely

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.   Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  Always - ok, this one isn't likely to ever change!  :P

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  Rarely

3. I don't have many friends.  Rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  Rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  Never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  Rarely

7. I don't know what love is.  Never

8. I find it hard to trust people.  Sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me.  Sometimes

10. I test people a lot.  Rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  Rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  Never

14. I have a hard time saying no.  Sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  Sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  Rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  Rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  Rarely

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

Rarely

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  Rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  Rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  Never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  Never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  Never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  Rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  Rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex.  Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  Never (now)

14. I need to control everything about sex.  Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  Never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  Never

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  Rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  Never

21. I've sexually abused others.  Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  Rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  Sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  Never

7. I tend to be overprotective.  Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.  Usually

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  Never

10. I have abused children.  Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  Sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  Rarely

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  Never - now I know it's them Bahahaha

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  Sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  Always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.  Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... at peace and happy with the healing that has taken place in my life.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...relationships and my own feelings about myself..coming to terms with those relationships and turning my feelings of self=hatred into something healthy...seeing the truth of who and what I am.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...parenting.  I've always had it together with my own children, (other than the same problems/struggles all parents face) and that's the greatest victory.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...that I did allow myself to be abused as an adult and did allow my children to be mistreated when I was too weak to stand up and make needed changes.  However, I have to move past those times and realize I have made changes and grown and things are different now.  I am now able to think of myself in healthier ways and treat myself with respect, and protect myself from abuse as I never could before.  I allow myself healthy boundaries now, and limits.  It's so much better for me and for my children.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my body image and my physical health...getting stronger.  Continuing to work on areas in my self-esteem and believing in myself and my abilities to succeed.  Learning how to balance!  Having healthy relationships!  I feel hopeful about continuing to learn that it's okay to reach out for help when I need it...that can still be a hard one for me, but I'm working on it.  I have all the tools now and I know I can only keep growing in these areas.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...relationships!  Healthy thinking about myself and those I have relationships with.  Codependency...(lol...I have a friend here who knows a bit about this area in my life.)  ;)  I have made major strides in learning that I am not responsible for everyone else, only for myself.  I've learned that other people's actions are not my fault and that I don't have to take on that responsibility.  I've learned that I can set limits and boundaries and healthy people respect that, and that the people who DON'T respect it have their own problems to work on, and that's not my burden to carry either.  Major, major strides here.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...I don't feel too hopeless now about anything.  Some things are harder than others, but nothing feels "hopeless" now.  It's never going to be perfect and I accept that, but I believe there is always hope for growth and healing and things to get better.

8. I was surprised by...the fact that I really did heal and the awful feelings aren't so awful now.  How I have turned a page in my life and the abuse is not so prevalent now.  How I go days without thinking of it, and when I do it's not such a gut-wrenching slam as it used to be.  I'm not sidelined by it like I used to be.  

9. I learned...that I can be and that I am a healthy, whole woman.  That I can heal, and I have.  That life can be good and if things are bad, I have the tools and the power to make the needed changes in my life, no matter how hard it seems...one step at a time.  That I can feel at peace and have joy in my life and when there is sadness and pain, I can get through that, too.  Life isn't perfect but it's wonderful.  I'm so glad to be 33 and where I am now, and I have really learned that now I look forward to my future and every day ahead of me.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.  usually

4. I'm different from other people.  always

5. I feel powerless.  usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  usually

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  usually

13. I'm often confused.  always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  always

15. I'm scared of success.  usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never

18. I'm a perfectionist. never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  usually

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  usually

7. I cry all the time.  rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  rarely

12. I get depressed a lot.  always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  always

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  always

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  always

3. My body often feels numb.  sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  rarely

6. I think my body is ugly.  sometimes

7. I hide my body.  sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  always

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  usually

10. I often eat compulsively.  never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  always

3. I don't have many friends. always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  always

7. I don't know what love is.  always

8. I find it hard to trust people.  always

9. I think people are going to leave me.  always

10. I test people a lot.  usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  sometimes  

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  always

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  never (don't have a partner)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  never  (no partner)

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.  never (no partner

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"   never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.   never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.  usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. rarely

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. usually

21. I've sexually abused others.  never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. n/a

7. I tend to be overprotective.  n/a

8. I've successfully protected children. n/a

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. n/a

10. I have abused children. n/a

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. usually

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.  always

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel like I have a lot of work still to do.  Frustrated and scared that I still have so much to work on.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of intimacy and sexuality.

3. I was least affected in the areas of feelings.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were the statements about sexuality and intimacy.  Specifically that I've had sex with someone who didn't respect me.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in family of origin.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...no areas so far...hoping that will change.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing sexuality/intimacy.

8. I was surprised by how much this hurt.

9. I learned that I have a long way to go.

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Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. always

4. I'm different from other people. sometimes

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. always

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. usually

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. rarely

15. I'm scared of success. rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. always

18. I'm a perfectionist. always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. others are, mine sometimes aren't

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. usually

14. I have panic attacks. sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. rarely

3. My body often feels numb. sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body. always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) haven't in almost a year

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. yes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. no

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. yes, always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. usually

3. I don't have many friends. rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. always

7. I don't know what love is. usually

8. I find it hard to trust people. always

9. I think people are going to leave me.always

10. I test people a lot. always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. usually, but easier to nurture than be nurtured

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. well we just broke up

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. it did

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. yup

3. I really think sex is disgusting. always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. always

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. always

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). na

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. rarely

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... like I still have a lot of healing to do

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... intimacy, sexuality, family

3. I was least affected in the areas of... children

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... the ones related to my intimacy and sexuality

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... hopefully my intimacy and my feelings

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... my body

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

my family and my sexuality

8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned... that I have some areas to work on, but that I have made progress.

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Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.

always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

usually

3. I feel ashamed.

usually

4. I'm different from other people.

always

5. I feel powerless.

sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.

usually

7. I want to die.

usually

8. I want to kill myself.

sometimes

9. I hate myself.

usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.

usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.

rarely (I usually do trust my feelings, I rely on them more than I should.)

13. I'm often confused.

sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.

usually

15. I'm scared of success.

usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.

never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.

never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

sometimes

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.

never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

rarely

7. I cry all the time.

usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.

usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.

sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.

sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.

always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

always

14. I have panic attacks.

sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

sometimes

16. I've been violent.

rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

usually

2. I frequently space out.

always

3. My body often feels numb.

sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.

usually

7. I hide my body.

sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

rarely

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

I don't know if it's more than I think I should, I drink and smoke pot and ocassionally do other drugs, but not enough to worry myself.

10. I often eat compulsively.

rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

usually

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

I guess

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

not physically capable

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

usually

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

usually

3. I don't have many friends.

rarely/sometimes?  

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

definately don't deserve to be loved.

7. I don't know what love is.

"I know what love is."

8. I find it hard to trust people.

always

9. I think people are going to leave me.

always

10. I test people a lot.

usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

rarely

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no.

sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

always

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

just broke up.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

no, unfortunately, I still do it even when I don't want to

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

with men, always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

rarely, sometimes, confused, don't know

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

usually

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

lately always

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.

not literally, never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

usually

14. I need to control everything about sex.

usually

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

sometimes, usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

usually

21. I've sexually abused others.

never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

usually

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

I don't know, I don't have kids

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

apparently, since I was raped in front of the last kids I took care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.

in the distant past.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

rarely

10. I have abused children.

never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

usuallyy

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

never, I keep them as limited and far away as possible

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

I hide everything from them

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

family abuse is known, but never talked about, my other rapes are only known between my sisters and me.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

ha, ya right

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

sick, worried, sad

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

everything

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

abusing others

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

hating sex so much

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

my self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

my self esteem

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

my sexuality and relationships/ trust issues

8. I was surprised by...

nothing

9. I learned...

hope?

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Self-Esteem

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  usually

3. I feel ashamed.  sometimes

4. I'm different from other people.  usually

5. I feel powerless.  sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  sometimes

7. I want to die.  rarely

8. I want to kill myself.  never

9. I hate myself.  rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  sometimes

13. I'm often confused.  true

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  usually

15. I'm scared of success.  sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  never

18. I'm a perfectionist.  never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  nope

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  never

7. I cry all the time.  usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  usually

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  never

12. I get depressed a lot.  sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  always

14. I have panic attacks.  sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.   often

16. I've been violent.  never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  sometimes

2. I frequently space out.  sometimes

3. My body often feels numb.  sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  --hmmm, sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.  --never...wait, sometimes

7. I hide my body.  rarely

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  --never (i think i should use them quite often)

10. I often eat compulsively.  usually

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  --huh, yes.

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  -yes!  

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  --always...not the abuse, though, i have tmj.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  --terrified.  haven't in 2 years.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  rarely

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  never

3. I don't have many friends.  never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  --i think i've worked it out now...

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  --never...i demand it.

7. I don't know what love is.  --nah.

8. I find it hard to trust people.  -always.

9. I think people are going to leave me.  -usually

10. I test people a lot.  -always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.  sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  -um, used to.. rarely now.

14. I have a hard time saying no.  -yeah.

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  -a little

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  -i'd rather gouge out my right eye.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. --nope

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.  -alsolutely never.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- no... diffculties, hurdles, yes... problems, no.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  -heh, never.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  nope

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  nope.  

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  -nope

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  - nnnnnoooooo......

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.   -um, maybe...

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  -yeah

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.  -sexual 'aggression' is quite a turn-on...

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  -never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  never

12. I've sold myself for sex.  never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  -yes, long ago...

14. I need to control everything about sex.  -nnnoooo...

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. - never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  -rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  -very rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  hhmmm...no

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  never

21. I've sexually abused others.  no

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  never

7. I tend to be overprotective.  a bit

8. I've successfully protected children.  yes

 

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  never

10. I have abused children.  never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  yes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  no

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  yes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  no

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  never

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  -it's just not their business...i was an adult

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.    see above

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -tired

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -self-esteemand body issues, i guess

3. I was least affected in the areas of... parenting, which makes since, cos i was an adult

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... about my body, that i use sex to meet too many of my needs

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my body.  lol, not the way i feel about it, IT.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sex issues

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... body issues

8. I was surprised by... i was cocky about the sex thing... as i answered more questions i realise that i'm pretty f*cked up about it.

9. I learned... i have a lot more work to do than i thought.  when i forced myself to look at some things... behind the confidence, behind the hard-assed bitch... i'm a blubbering baby who hates her body and is using sex to numb the pain of that.  whew.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.   Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.   Usually

3. I feel ashamed.   Usually

4. I'm different from other people.   Always

5. I feel powerless.   Sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  Always

7. I want to die.  Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself.  Sometimes

9. I hate myself.  Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.   Sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.   Usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  Usually

13. I'm often confused.  Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  Usually

15. I'm scared of success.  Rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  Sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  Usually

18. I'm a perfectionist.   Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.   Always

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  Rarely

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.   Rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.   Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.   Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.   Sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.   Always

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  Always

7. I cry all the time.   Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  Always

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.   Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.   Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.   Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.   Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares.   Usually

14. I have panic attacks.   Usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.   Always

16. I've been violent.   Rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.   Rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.   Usually

2. I frequently space out.   Usually

3. My body often feels numb.   Usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.   Sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).   Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly.   Always

7. I hide my body.   Always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.   Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.   Usually to Always, it depends on the triggers around me

10. I often eat compulsively.  Never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.   Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)   Sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.   Always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.   Rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.   Rarely, haven’t seen a doctor in a really long time though

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.   Always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.   Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  Always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  Always

3. I don't have many friends.   Always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.   Not sure, I am not in a relationship

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  Always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.   Always

7. I don't know what love is.   Always

8. I find it hard to trust people.   Always

9. I think people are going to leave me.   Always

10. I test people a lot.   Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.   I can nurture, but I can’t accept nurturing

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.   Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.   Always

14. I have a hard time saying no.   Always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.   Usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.   Always

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.   Sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.   I don’t have one so I am not sure

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.   I don’t have one so I am not sure

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.   I don’t have one so I am not sure

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.   Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.   Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.   Sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.   Rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.   Usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.   Rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"   Usually

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.   Always  

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.   Always

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.   Usually

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.   Sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.   Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.   Usually

14. I need to control everything about sex.   Rarely, although I think I would feel safer if I did

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.   Usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  Usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.   Always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.   Never, not aroused, but I am interested

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.   Sometimes

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.   Usually

21. I've sexually abused others.   Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.   Sometimes, with kids I do not know

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.   Sometimes, but not with my own daughter

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.   Rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.   Sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.   Sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.   Rarely

7. I tend to be overprotective.  Usually

8. I've successfully protected children.   Sometimes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.   Rarely

10. I have abused children.   Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  Never, thank god

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.   Always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)   Always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.   Usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.   Usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.   Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.   Always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  Always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.   Always

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. But the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...   overwhelmed, like there is little hope for me at this point, like there is so much I need to do to make myself better and I will never accomplish it all.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... I think sexuality and my body issues are the ones that bother me the most, but I think that the family issues are the root of my hurt but I am still not ready to really acknowledge that.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... eating habits, I think for the most part I have maintained healthy eating habits with only short terms of starvation and dieting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... about my sexuality, I am so ashamed of everything connected to m y sexuality

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... I am not sure

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned...

I couldn't finsh the last few statements, I could not think of one truthful thing to say.

Kolee

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.   *usually*

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  *always*

3. I feel ashamed.  *usually*

4. I'm different from other people.  *always*

5. I feel powerless.  *usually*

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.  *sometimes*

7. I want to die.  *sometimes*

8. I want to kill myself.  *sometimes*

9. I hate myself.  *usually*

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.  *always*

11. I don't deserve to be happy.  *sometimes*

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.  *sometimes*

13. I'm often confused.  *usually*

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.  *always*

15. I'm scared of success.  *rarely*

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.  *always*

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.  *never*

18. I'm a perfectionist.  *sometimes*

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.  *rarely*

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.  *never*

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  *never*

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  *sometimes*

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.  *rarely*

4. I only experience one or two emotions.  *never*

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.  *usually*

6. I have a hard time crying freely.  *sometimes*

7. I cry all the time.  *sometimes*

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.  *never*

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.  *never*

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  *sometimes*

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.  *usually*

12. I get depressed a lot.  *always*

13. I have a lot of nightmares.  *always*

14. I have panic attacks.  *sometimes*

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.  *always*

16. I've been violent.  *rarely*

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.  *sometimes*

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.  *rarely*

2. I frequently space out.  *sometimes*

3. My body often feels numb.  *rarely*

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.  *sometimes*

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).  *sometimes*

6. I think my body is ugly.  *sometimes*

7. I hide my body.  *sometimes*

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.  *never*

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.  *rarely*

10. I often eat compulsively.  *never*

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.  *sometimes*

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)  *usually*

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.  *always*

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.  *never*

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.  *usually*

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.  *always*

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.   *always*

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.  *always*

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.  *sometimes*

3. I don't have many friends.  *always*

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.  *always*

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.  *usually*

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.  *always*

7. I don't know what love is.  *usually*

8. I find it hard to trust people.  *usually*

9. I think people are going to leave me.  *rarely*

10. I test people a lot.  *rarely*

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.  *usually*

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.   *usually*

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.  *rarely*

14. I have a hard time saying no.  *usually*

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.  *sometimes*

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  *always*

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.  *N/A*

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  *N/A*

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.   *N/A, but I think I would if I was in a relationship*

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.  *N/A, but I think it would, if I was in a relationship*

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.  *usually*

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  *always*

3. I really think sex is disgusting.  *sometimes*

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  *rarely*

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  *usually*

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.  *never*

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"  *never*

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.   *sometimes*

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.  *sometimes*

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.  *rarely*

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.  *never*

12. I've sold myself for sex.  *never*

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.  *never*

14. I need to control everything about sex.  *never*

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  *N/A, but I think it would be this way*

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.  *rarely*

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.  *sometimes*

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.  *sometimes*

21. I've sexually abused others.  *never*

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.  *usually*

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.  *never*

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.  *never*

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.  *never*

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.  *N/A*

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.  *N/A*

7. I tend to be overprotective.  *always*

8. I've successfully protected children.  *always*

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.  *always*

10. I have abused children.  *rarely or never: i don’t know if it counts if i was 6 years old and verbally abusing my little sister the way our parents verbally abused just me*

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).  *N/A*

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.  *always*

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)  *sometimes*

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.  *always*

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.  *usually*

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.  *usually*

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.  *always*

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.  *usually*

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. *never*

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... seriously damaged.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...  the way i view myself and the world.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... what i do, actions i perform.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... the chance that i could hurt someone else.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... none of it, really.  no hope right now.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... learning to validate myself and my feelings.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...  my feelings about relationships, and trust issues.

8. I was surprised by... how familiar most of these statements seem.

9. I learned...  the effects are proof that i was hurt, no matter how other people may try to minimize it.

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I just became a member today and was thinking that maybe I would find some answers.  

After reading your posting, I realized that I answered too many yes's to those questions.  However, I've been in therapy for almost 20 years, so why should I still feel like my life is this unbearable?

Were do I go with these questions?

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Posted (edited)

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me- Rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy- Sometimes

3. I feel ashamed- Of the incident? Never (though I used to)

4. I'm different from other people- Usually

5. I feel powerless- Sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave- Rarely

7. I want to die- Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself- Sometimes

9. I hate myself- Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself- Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy- Rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings- When it comes to people. I basically don't trust anyone that I trust. It's very confusing.

13. I'm often confused- Often

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them- Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success- Sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job- Sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside- Rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist- Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life- Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting- Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important- Just mine sometimes, but I'm working on that

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling- Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another- Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions- Never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings- Rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely- Often

7. I cry all the time- Rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy- When it involves other people, yes.

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm- Rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time- Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me- sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot- Sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares- Sometimes

14. I have panic attacks- Rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control- Often

16. I've been violent- Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be- Only in self defense.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time- Sometimes

2. I frequently space out- Often

3. My body often feels numb- Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me- Rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)- Rarely (yoga helps with that)

6. I think my body is ugly- Never

7. I hide my body- Rarely

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up- Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should- Never

10. I often eat compulsively- Never (I am hypoglycemic and very careful about what I eat and how much)

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up- Never, though under stress I sometimes neglect to eat.

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)- Never anymore, though I did a few times the year of the incident.

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse- Sometimes (mainly fevers and malaise)

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim- I do exercise, but usually not with that motivation.

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures- Never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth- Never (I spent much of my pre-teens having mouth surgery, so I'm pretty jaded)

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist- Never

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet- Usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work- Usually

3. I don't have many friends- Always (though I'd like to change that)

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover- Rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone- Sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved- Rarely

7. I don't know what love is- Rarely

8. I find it hard to trust people- Usually

9. I think people are going to leave me- What people?

10. I test people a lot- Often

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else- It is my nature to be nurturing, but I am wary of people (esp. men) who seem to want to nurture me.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone- Rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic- Usually

14. I have a hard time saying no- Rarely

15. People take advantage of me in relationships- Often

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible- Rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser- Never, though they sometimes end up reminding me later

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner- Often

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser- Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship- If this question refers to sexual abuse in one's present relationship, then no.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again- Rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years- Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting- Never (as long as it is consensual)

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it- Never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy- Rarely

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs- Never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed."- Rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me- Rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying- Rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want- Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at- Rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex- Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me- Rarely

14. I need to control everything about sex- Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love- Rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand- Rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love- Not in a long time.

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse- Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on- Never (unless you count light BDSM)

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality- Never

21. I've sexually abused others- Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children- Rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids- Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids- n/a

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own- I don't have kids

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent- n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of- Never

7. I tend to be overprotective- Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children- Yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive- Never

10. I have abused children- Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else)- n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family- Always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)- n/a

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family- Always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences- Often

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family- Sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family- Usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family- They don't know.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me- I would like that someday.

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... lucky that I do not seem to harbor shame over my body and sexuality, but sad about my inability to trust and connect with people.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Intimacy, Feelings.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Body, Family

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Intimacy.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... Self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... Self esteem, sexuality

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... I don't really want to admit hopelessness about anything right now. I'm trying very hard to be hopeful.

8. I was surprised by... Well, pleasantly surprised at how separate sex and sexual abuse are in my mind, and that I actually seem to be taking good care of myself overall.

9. I learned... that I have healed and grown in almost every way, but am seriously deteriorating as a social creature and hope I can turn it around, because I still have a lot of love to give.

Edited by Atargatis

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Posted (edited)

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Always

3. I feel ashamed. Usually

4. I'm different from other people. Always

5. I feel powerless. Rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.Usually

7. I want to die.Rarely

8. I want to kill myself. Rarely

9. I hate myself.Usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.Usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy.Usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.Usually

13. I'm often confused.Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success.Sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.Sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.Usually

18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.Sometimes

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.Sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.Usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Usually

7. I cry all the time. Never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.Sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. Sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Rarely

14. I have panic attacks. Rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Sometimes

16. I've been violent. Sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.Sometimes

2. I frequently space out. Sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.Usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. Sometimes

7. I hide my body. Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. Rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Usually

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.Always

3. I don't have many friends. Usually

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Usually

7. I don't know what love is. Usually

8. I find it hard to trust people.Sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me. Usually

10. I test people a lot. Rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.Usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.Never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Never

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.Always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.Always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Always

3. I really think sex is disgusting. Always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Always

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.Never

12. I've sold myself for sex. Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Always

21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Usually

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Sometimes

10. I have abused children. Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)Usually

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.Usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Always

5. I feel razy when I'm around my family. Always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Never

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...confused

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...intimacy, family, self esteem,relationships

3. I was least affected in the areas of...kids

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...don't know

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...kids, family

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...relationships, intimacy

8. I was surprised by...don't know

9. I learned...don't know

Edited by guest567

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Thank you for this. My feelings are a result of a date rape 5 months ago so I was affected in different ways from violent rape. But this exercise was really helpful.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. rarely

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. Always

5. I feel powerless. usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.Usually

7. I want to die. Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. Sometimes

9. I hate myself.Usually/always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Sometimes

13. I'm often confused.always

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success.Sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Usually

18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.Rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Rarely

7. I cry all the time. Usually

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.Rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Rarely (only one or two that were related to the event)

14. I have panic attacks. Always

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. YES

16. I've been violent. Rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually (it's been worse now, 5 months after it happened)

2. I frequently space out. Sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. Sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.Usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. rarely

7. I hide my body. Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Usually

10. I often eat compulsively. Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. At first

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Never

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.Always

3. I don't have many friends. Usually

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. ALWAYS

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Always - seriously. All. the. time.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Always

7. I don't know what love is. Usually

8. I find it hard to trust people. Usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. Always

10. I test people a lot. Sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.Sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no. Sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Always

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. ALWAYS

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Was struggling, yes.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.Apparently

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. usually (It's something I want, like any human being, but it's tied in with so many weird and painful feelings for me that usually happen after I have sex)

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. No

3. I really think sex is disgusting. Never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Sometimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Usually

12. I've sold myself for sex. Never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Always

14. I need to control everything about sex. Rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Never

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Never

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Never

21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. Always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never

10. I have abused children. Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Rarely

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)Never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.Never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Sometimes

5. I feel razy when I'm around my family.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Never

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Confused

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...Romantic Relationships, my self-esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of...kids/family

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...How I feel about sex. I just don't know how i feel.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my family

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...family, kids

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...relationships, self-esteem, sex

8. I was surprised by...How much i don't understand sex

9. I learned... that I'm messed up - self-esteem wise

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- often

3. I feel ashamed. -- always

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- often

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- often

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- often

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- I don't know, really...

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- often

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- sometimes

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- rarely

15. I'm scared of success. -- never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- often/always

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometiems

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are -- usually

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- I honestly don't know

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- usually

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- usually

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- always

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- usually

2. I frequently space out. -- always

3. My body often feels numb. -- I wish :tear:

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- I really want it to be

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- Mostly just pain

6. I think my body is ugly. -- usually, and I feel vain when i don't

7. I hide my body. -- usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- sometimes/usually

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- haven't had any relationships

3. I don't have many friends. -- close friends anyway...

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- i don't know...

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- unfortunately, usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- always

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- sometimes... (i tend to be TOO trusting)

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- sometimes

10. I test people a lot. -- rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- I'm clingy with my BFF. Always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- always (not the the commitment, tho)

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- never

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- no relationships

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- no relationships

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- no relationships

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- no relationship

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- no relationship (this isn't helping my self-esteem...)

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- I don't know...

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- I wish :cry:

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- I don't know...

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- no sex!

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- idk..

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- no sex

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- if the rape counts, then probably...

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- no sex

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- no sex

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- no sex

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- no sex

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- always

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- always :cry:

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- never

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- no children

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- not a parent :tear:

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. --

7. I tend to be overprotective. --

8. I've successfully protected children. --

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- usually

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). --

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- with my extended family

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- usually/always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- rarely

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- Kind of (my mom knows I was abused... just not about the rapes and... torture)

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- rarely

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- A little guilty

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- most everything

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- parenting. I'm not a parent, though if I didn't have a miscarriage, I would have been, so it still affects me some :tear:

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the body image/intimacy/sexual life/self-esteem

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... -- I don't know

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... -- intimacy, maybe...?

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... -- everything, i guess...

8. I was surprised by... -- nothing really

9. I learned... -- not much

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

Always usually sometimes rarely never

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me - always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy - rarely

3. I feel ashamed-always

4. I'm different from other people- always

5. I feel powerless- rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave- never

7. I want to die- sometimes

8. I want to kill myself-sometimes

9. I hate myself-usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself-sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy-never

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings-usually

13. I'm often confused-someties

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them-sometimes

15. I'm scared of success-rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job-sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside-usually

18. I'm a perfectionist-never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life-sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting-never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important-never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling-rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another-sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions-always

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings-rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely-always

7. I cry all the time-never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy-always

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm-sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time-rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me-usually

12. I get depressed a lot-usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares-rarely

14. I have panic attacks-rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control-sometimes

16. I've been violent-never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be-never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time-sometimes

2. I frequently space out-sometimes

3. My body often feels numb-never

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me-rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)-sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly-sometimes

7. I hide my body-sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up-never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should-rarely

10. I often eat compulsively-rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up-never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)-never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse-psychological maybe

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim-never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures-never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth-never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet-always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work-rarely

3. I don't have many friends-usually

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover-never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone-

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved-sometimes.

7. I don't know what love is-never

8. I find it hard to trust people-sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me-rarely

10. I test people a lot-rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else-usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone-sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic-rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no-usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships-rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible-never

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser-never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner-sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser-never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship-sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again-rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years-never

3. I really think sex is disgusting-sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it-never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy-never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs-never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"-never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me-never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying-never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want-never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at-never

12. I've sold myself for sex-never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me-never

14. I need to control everything about sex-never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking-never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand-usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.-sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse-never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on-never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality-never

21. I've sexually abused others-never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children-rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids-sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. n/a

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of-n/a

7. I tend to be overprotective-sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children-n/a

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive-never

10. I have abused children-never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else)n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family-never

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)-never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family-never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences-never

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family-sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family-always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family-always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me-never

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... the same.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... SELF ESTEEM

3. I was least affected in the areas of...Sexuality

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...I want to die/kill myself

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...n/a

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... what I think about myself

8. I was surprised by...how not far I've come.

9. I learned...

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- it's possible, but I try to keep myself surrounded by those who would accept me for me, not leave becuase of what was done to me.

7. I want to die. -- sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- sometimes

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. -- ALWAYS!

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- NEVER

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I think they are I just have a hard time expressing them, except to my children. For some reason it is so easy to show them how I feel about them. The love just seems to flow.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- Sadly, almost always

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- sometimes then other times I am filled with emotions and don't know how to express them.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- Almost always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- sometimes

7. I cry all the time. -- it seems like to norm lately

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes (waiting for the bomb to drop)

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- I try not to get angry.

12. I get depressed a lot. -- not so much

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- more often than not

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- sometimes

2. I frequently space out. -- sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. -- sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- hardly ever

6. I think my body is ugly. -- sometimes

7. I hide my body. -- sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- when I was younger, not so much now

10. I often eat compulsively. -- never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- no

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- when i was younger, i would go on runs or walks to get away and to stop thinking about what happened, now when i exercise it's like those memories come back to me.

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- no

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- I know i love my family dearly and would do anything for them and they would do the same for me.

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- sometimes

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes. I nurture fine for the most part, but I can't let myself be nurtured.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- always (with hubby) I like being alone, but it scares me, too.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never, thankfully!

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- sometimes I think it is

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- sometimes, but I am working on that feeling

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- never (now)

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- no

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- i the past, yes

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- sometimes, but working on that

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- often

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- no

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- sometimes.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- ALWAYS

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- I pray they haven't

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- always, but only I know they're strained.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- never

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never -- it just won't happen

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- okay -- When I think what my answers would have been a year ago, and then five years ago, I can see how far I've actually come, and I feel good about that.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- my body image and self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- family. My family loves me, but then they don't know the real me. They'd still love me but they'd be horribly uncomfortable around me if they knew.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the ones about my body image

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self esteem issues

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sexuality, relationships with my husband.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... the way I view my body -- as this extraneous thing that tags along with me.

8. I was surprised by... the fact that I was able to honestly answer the questions.

9. I learned... that I've come really far and still have a long road ahead of me. Mostly due to reaching out and breaking the silence, I think.

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

Always usually sometimes rarely never

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me - Always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy - sometimes

3. I feel ashamed - always

4. I'm different from other people - always

5. I feel powerless - always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave - always

7. I want to die - sometimes

8. I want to kill myself - sometimes

9. I hate myself - always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself - usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy - always

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings - sometimes

13. I'm often confused - usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them - always

15. I'm scared of success - sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. - always

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside - rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist - usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life - rarely. Large chunks of childhood seem to be missing.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting - never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important - always

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling - always

3. I can't tell one feeling from another - usually

4. I only experience one or two emotions - sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings - usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely - always

7. I cry all the time - rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy - usually (That is when I actually do feel happy which is quite infrequent.

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm - sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time - rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. - sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot - always

13. I have a lot of nightmares - always

14. I have panic attacks - sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control - usually

16. I've been violent - never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be - sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time - usually

2. I frequently space out - sometimes

3. My body often feels numb - usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me - usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain) - usually

6. I think my body is ugly - always

7. I hide my body - always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up - sometimes

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should - Never

10. I often eat compulsively - always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up - rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) - Never at least not physically

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse - Always (I Have been diagnosed with PTSD and Fibromyalgia and I also deal with depression, OCD, and major anxiety.)

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim - rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures - never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth-always. - Always (I have to be sedated for any dental work and I totally go bonkers even for a simple cleaning.)

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist - always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet - always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work - always (With the exception of my Husband)

3. I don't have many friends - always (The only "friend" I currently have is my husband)

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover - rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone - never. I'm afraid of being alone, my husband is my security blanket. I never go anywhere without him. He is always there when I am out of the house or I just stay inside.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved - always

7. I don't know what love is - usually

8. I find it hard to trust people - always

9. I think people are going to leave me - always (This scares me to death. My greatest fear in life is that my husband will leave me or get taken from me.)

10. I test people a lot - always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else - usually (But I ache inside when I don't get enough nurturing. Then I feel guilty when I am.)

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone - always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic - usually

14. I have a hard time saying no - always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships - usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible - rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser - rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner - usually (Mostly because I don't feel worthy of his love and because the pain has almost completely paralyzed me.)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser - Never (My husband couldn't harm a fly.)

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship - usually (I have intimacy issues even with my husband.)

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. - sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years - never

3. I really think sex is disgusting - sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it - sometimes (I don't think there is anything wrong with sex but I have lost a lot of my desire due to self loathing and not being comfortable in my own skin.)

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy - Usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs - never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" - rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me - rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. - never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want - never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at - Rarely. Although I don't think my hubby would say I am bad at it.

12. I've sold myself for sex - never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me - sometimes My husband is the only sexual partner I have had that truly respected me. So in other words 3 out of my 4 partners (including my rapist and the other one that took advantage of me) just saw me as a piece of meat.

14. I need to control everything about sex - sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking - usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand - sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love - very rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse - never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on - never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality - sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others - never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children - rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids - sometimes - but this is most true of my son for some reason. I'm not saying that I am not affectionate with him, it is just hard sometimes. I grew up with a mother that rarely ever hugged or kissed me so I have a hard time showing that type of affection even with my husband at times.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids - sometimes. I end up being too distant or at times to soft. I have a hard time disciplining my son because sometimes it causes flashbacks to my childhood when my father would beat my brother or me.

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. - sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. - usually

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of - never

7. I tend to be overprotective - always (I shelter my son quite a bit.)

8. I've successfully protected children - always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive - rarely

10. I have abused children - never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). - Never!!!

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family - always with my immediate family and extended family. However, I actually get along well with my in-laws.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) - usually

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family - always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences - always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family - usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family - always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family - usually, there are a few family members that know about it.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me - always, but I don't old my breath that it will ever happen.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...like i am finally being honest with myself after 7 years.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...All of them really. But probably self esteem and intimacy are the worst.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

raising my child.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

The ones dealing with intimacy in relation to my husband. I hadn't realized how much I have shut down in that area and it simply isn't fair to him.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

all of the areas.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

None. I am still in the acceptance stage.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

I think given enough time I will be able to work through all of these areas. The hardest will be being able to feel emotions again.

8. I was surprised by...

The amount of isolation I create around myself.

9. I learned..

That I simply have to start dealing with all of the pain and start loving myself again.

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I haven't faced my abuse for along time, like 25 years but in the meantime I know I've overcome some of the issues.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -always

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -rarely

3. I feel ashamed. -always

4. I'm different from other people. -rarely

5. I feel powerless. -rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -rarely

7. I want to die. -sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. -rarely

9. I hate myself. -always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -usually

13. I'm often confused. -never

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -never

15. I'm scared of success. -usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -always

18. I'm a perfectionist. -past

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. - a little exageration

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -past

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -always

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -always

7. I cry all the time. -never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -always

12. I get depressed a lot. -rarely

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -never

14. I have panic attacks. -never

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -usually

16. I've been violent. -never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -never

2. I frequently space out. -never

3. My body often feels numb. -never

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -never

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. -always

7. I hide my body. -always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -past

10. I often eat compulsively. -sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -never

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -past

3. I don't have many friends. -past

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. -sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. -usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. -never

10. I test people a lot. -past

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -always

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -always

14. I have a hard time saying no. -past

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -past

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -never

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -usually

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -usually, for 6 years

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -always

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -never

14. I need to control everything about sex. -never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -never

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -never

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -past

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -always

21. I've sexually abused others. -never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -never

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -never

7. I tend to be overprotective. -never

8. I've successfully protected children. -never

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -past

10. I have abused children. -never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -never

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -never

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I dont feel depressed as I used to feel

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of self esteem, my feelings, intimacy, sexuality

3. I was least affected in the areas of children and parenting

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge that I have problems in intimacy and sexuality.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in sexuality and my body

6. I already made major strides in the following areas intimacy and self esteem

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing family

8. I was surprised by the courage I have to do this exercise. I was so afraid to feel pain again.

9. I learned to trust other people.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.--sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.--sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.--always

4. I'm different from other people.--always

5. I feel powerless.--usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.--usually

7. I want to die.--sometimes

8. I want to kill myself.--sometimes

9. I hate myself.--sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.--rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy.--rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feeling.--rarely

13. I'm often confused.--usually

14. I don't know how to set goals or follow through on them.--rarely

15. I'm scared of success.--rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.--rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.--sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.--usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.--usually I don't tell stories b/c I don't get close.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.--Mostly just food b/c I'm poor

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.--never

2. I usually don't know what I am feeling.--rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.--rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.--never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.--rarely; usually I just wish someone could listen forever

6. I have a hard time crying freely.--sometimes

7. I cry all the time.--rarely

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel to happy.--sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.--usually

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.--sometimes (mostly when I don't work out)

11. I'm rarely angry. Angers scares me.--sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot.--sometimes (it's way better than a year ago).

13. I have a lot of nightmares.--rarely (thank God they have stopped)

14. I have panic attacks.--sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.--usually

16. I've been violent.--in the past I use to throw and kick things when no one was there...I guess that's kind of violent. Or more violent for me at least.

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I am worried I might be.--I worry about being violent in the future a little, but I think if I take care of myself I won't be.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" alot of the time.--it's more my body when I work out

2. I frequently space out.--sometimes

3. My body often feels numb.--sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is seperate from the rest of me.--this is getting a lot better, but I need to go back to the gym. Finals really took me out of my routine.

5. I don't pay much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).--rarely

6. I think my body is ugly.--I mostly like it. I think most bodies are beautiful.

7. I hide my body.--rarely

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.--always. But was just assaulted recently. Does anyone know more about the connection between these two things? I looked this up and it says dyslexia can be related to childhood trauma. I hope I haven't forgotten anything.

9. I use drugs and alcohol more than I should.--never.

10. I often eat compulsively.--rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.--never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, injure myself).--never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.--?

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.--always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.--always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.--always...(still need to try going back to the dentist :/)

17. (for women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist--always, but I go.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.--usually...I don't really like new people...and stopped talking to most of my old friends.

2. Most of my relationships don't work.--the romantic ones do...I have a harder time with friends...guess I need a lot of closeness before I can trust.

3. I don't have many friends.--usually...I used to be an extravert and now I'm an intravert

4. I'm ok with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.--never

5. I think I am meant to be alone.--never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.--never!

7. I don't know what love is.--never! ( I have a great partner)

8. I find it hard to trust people.--usually...especially new people

9. I think people are going to leave me.--usually

10. I test people alot.--always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.--sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I am close to. I'm afraid to be alone.--always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get to close, I panic.--with friends yes

14. I have a hard time saying no.--rarely (sex is a little different)

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.--rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.--rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.--never

18. I'm struggling alot with my partner.--rarely (the last few months of couples therapy have helped a lot...I recommend this for even just a short time for anyone struggling with a partner.)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.--rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really causing a problem in my relationship.--rarely

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.--sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't sex in years.--never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.--rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there is basically something wrong with it.--never

5. Sex isn't pleasureable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.--sometimes (sometimes, I try to see it will make me happy, I feel guilty about this, anyone else?)

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.--kind of. I test sex out again to see if I really like. Sometimes I don't think I should be allowed to like sex. Or that liking sex too much before this is how I ended up being assulted. Sex is confusing right now. (plan on writing other post in more detail.)

7. It really feels like I am "over-sexed".--usually

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.--this is complicated. I was exploring more aggressive kinds of sex before my assault. This question feels very complicated to me.

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.--sometimes...but this is really changing.

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.--never

11. Sex is the thing I am best at.--rarely...but I don't think I'm bad at sex...um just a little confused. I want to feel in more control of my sexuality.

12. I've sold myself for sex.--never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.--never

14. I need to control everything about sex.--not sure????

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb alot during lovemakeing.--sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feeling I don't understand.--sometimes (I think it's guilt)

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.--rarely now

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.--sometiems

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.--I'm interested in BDSM, but I don't consider that violent.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.--um more like I feel guilty about my sexuality. I think this is a little different. ? ? ?

21. I've sexually abused others.--never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.--never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.--never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.--never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.--never

5. (for parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.--N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care.--never

7. I tend to be overprotective.--sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.--always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.--rarely

10. I have abused children.--never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).--N/A

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.--sometimes.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa).--sometimes they just ignore what I'm going through.

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.--rarely...I wish they would cross a few more boundaries it might do them some good.

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.--usually I don't tell them a lot b/c they are distant.

5. I feel crazy when I am around my family.--sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.--usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.--um...we don't really talk about it...so basically yea. But they do drive me to therapy every week so they must know that stuffs going on.

8. I'm still waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me.--sometimes

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I realize I have learned a lot in the last year and half. I feel more at home in my body now. I think in the long run my assault has made me more aware of my body...this has mostly turned out to be a good thing. I also feel I'm am very confused about sex still and am begging to wonder how helpful my therapy has been in clarifying this confusion. I feel worse about my sexuality now than I did in the months right after my assault. I really need a lot more clarification about this part of me. I want it to feel like a celebration again. But wanting to celebrate my sexuality feels criminal. (my therapist says I'm too explicit about sex, this doesn't help.) Hope I can figure this out soon. I miss my sexuality :(

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of....sexuality...and Friendship

3. I was least affected in the areas of...Parenting/Kids

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...things about my sexuality. I still need to clarify this part of myself.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...maybe most determined to make changes about my sexuality. I used to love sex, and feel really good about it (I think sex can be artistic.) but now I feel confused and guilt. This is very linked to my own self blame.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...My body and my self esteem.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...my relationships with friends and new people. I really am scared of trusting. I feel like I can't have friends because they won't accept or understand how much of my life my recovery takes up. If people want to know what I have been up to lately I just give some stock answers, but the truth is recovery.

8. I was surprised by... that I was this candid here. And that I am posting this at all.

9. I learned...this is a good website...and that my sexuality is a really pressing issues at the moment.

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