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The Effects: How Did It Change My Life?

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Hi everyone,

  Here is another exercise from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060964375/o/qid%3D989471318/sr%3D8-1/ref%3Daps%5Fsr%5Fb%5F1%5F1/002-4054049-8392020">The Courage to Heal Workbook</a> by Laura Davis. This exercise is called "Assessing the Damage" and helps you identify the ways the abuse has affected your life. If you don't want to fill it out in a post to the board, I have created a <a href="http://www.escapinghades.com/tcth.html" target="_blank">printer friendly page</a>, so that you can fill it out by hand if you want. Please be safe when doing exercises like these, because they can be triggering.

Lis

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

The statements listed below are typical of the experiences and feelings of survivors of abuse. Since abuse affects people in different ways, some of the statements will apply to you and others won't. Looking at your answers can show you the areas of your life that have been most strongly influenced by the abuse.

If you've been working on these issues for some time, you can use this assessment to identify the progress you've made. Statements you would have identified with in the past may seem irrelevant to you today. A sentence you would have ranked "usually" a year or two ago may now get a "rarely" rating. If you've been healing for a while, try to focus on the areas in which you've made gains. Let yourself feel proud of the ways your answers have changed. Then go back through your answers and take a look at the areas that still need healing at attention.

Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

3. I feel ashamed.

4. I'm different from other people.

5. I feel powerless.

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.

7. I want to die.

8. I want to kill myself.

9. I hate myself.

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

11. I don't deserve to be happy.

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.

13. I'm often confused.

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.

15. I'm scared of success.

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

18. I'm a perfectionist.

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

7. I cry all the time.

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

12. I get depressed a lot.

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

14. I have panic attacks.

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

16. I've been violent.

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

2. I frequently space out.

3. My body often feels numb.

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

6. I think my body is ugly.

7. I hide my body.

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

10. I often eat compulsively.

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

3. I don't have many friends.

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

7. I don't know what love is.

8. I find it hard to trust people.

9. I think people are going to leave me.

10. I test people a lot.

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

14. I have a hard time saying no.

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

12. I've sold myself for sex.

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

14. I need to control everything about sex.

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

21. I've sexually abused others.

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

8. I've successfully protected children.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

10. I have abused children.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned...

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Hi --

Thanks again to Lis for posting these exercises.  A year or two ago I'd have answered these very differently.  I'm pleased at how far I've come.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- rarely

4. I'm different from other people. -- always

5. I feel powerless. -- sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- rarely

7. I want to die. -- never

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- rarely

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- usually

15. I'm scared of success. -- ALWAYS!

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- unfortunately, usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- never

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. -- usually, but I don't tell them

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are -- sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never -- I'm usually swamped with emotions

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- always

7. I cry all the time. -- never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes (waiting for the bomb to drop)

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- never

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- sometimes

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- sometimes

2. I frequently space out. -- rarely

3. My body often feels numb. -- sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- never

10. I often eat compulsively. -- always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- never (now)

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- usually, but I go anyway

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- rarely

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- always

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- sometimes

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes.  I nurture fine, but I can't let myself be nurtured.  Ugh.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- always (with hubby)  I like being alone, but it scares me, too.

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- always (in the past)

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- never

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- rarely

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- never (now)

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- usually

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- rarely

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- never

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- sometimes.  Less so now that I have kids of my own.  Six years ago, I didn't like being around children at all.

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- sometimes.  Less now than when I started parenting

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- ALWAYS

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- sometimes

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- always, but only I know they're strained.

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- alwyas

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. -- never -- it just won't happen

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- okay -- When I think what my answers would have been a year ago, and then five years ago, I can see how far I've actually come, and I feel good about that.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- my body image and self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... -- family.  My family loves me, but then they don't know the real me.  They'd still love me but they'd be horribly uncomfortable around me if they knew.  Catch 22...

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... -- the ones about my body image

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self esteem issues

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... sexuality, confidence in ability, relationships with my husband, controlling flashbacks.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... the way I view my body -- as this extraneous thing that tags along with me.

8. I was surprised by... the ways I've come to deal with memories and flashbacks.  They don't control my life anymore.  

9. I learned... that I've come really far in the last year.  Mostly due to this place, and to reaching out and breaking the silence, I think.

Shaina

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Thanks Lis for posting this. It reminded me how far I have come.

A year ago I had major problems in ALL of the areas. Now, with a lot of work and a lot of support from Pat (bless you my darling xxx) I feel I've made great progress in sexuality, self-esteem, feelings, family and children. Now I just have to keep working on my body image, and some more work on my self-esteem. But it's good to remember how far I've come, and to pat myself on the back!

Bright Blessings to all,

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Hello, Lis. Yes, thank you so much for continuing to post these exercises here. I know that if they were not available to me here, that I am far too embarassed to go and purchase the book for myself. Also the fact remains that I have found that I will be more truthful in my answers by doing them here than if I were to do them alone at home.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.--sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.--sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.--sometimes

4. I'm different from other people.--always

5. I feel powerless.--sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.--sometimes

7. I want to die.--sometimes

8. I want to kill myself.--sometimes

9. I hate myself.--usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.--sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.--sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feeling.--sometimes

13. I'm often confused.--sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals or follow through on them.--usually

15. I'm scared of success.--sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.--sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.--never

18. I'm a perfectionist.--sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.--sometimes (but only in my head, and it's only ones where my life is better)

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.--never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.--sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I am feeling.--sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.--rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.--never (i am always overcome by many at a time)

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.--usually (except my anger..I have no problem expressing that!)

6. I have a hard time crying freely.--sometimes

7. I cry all the time.--sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel to happy.--sometimes (usually because I know something bad is coming my way)

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.--always

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.--always

11. I'm rarely angry. Angers scares me.--never (i have a big problem with anger right now)

12. I get depressed a lot.--usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares.--usually

14. I have panic attacks.--sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.--usually

16. I've been violent.--rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I am worried I might be.--never (i already said that i have been)

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" alot of the time.--sometimes

2. I frequently space out.--rarely

3. My body often feels numb.--sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is seperate from the rest of me.--sometimes

5. I don't pay much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).--usually

6. I think my body is ugly.--always (it's the scars)

7. I hide my body.--always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.--never

9. I use drugs and alcohol more than I should.--sometimes (alcohol: alot....drugs: only by prescription)

10. I often eat compulsively.--never (in fact, I never eat)

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.--always

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, injure myself).--always

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.--never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.--never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.--sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.--always

17. (for women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist--always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.--sometimes

2. Most of my relationships don't work.--always (what relationships?)

3. I don't have many friends.--never (i have made many just from barbados alone..thank god for every one of you!)

4. I'm ok with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.--always

5. I think I am meant to be alone.--always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.--always!

7. I don't know what love is.--rarely (i know what it means to love my friends...but that's it)

8. I find it hard to trust people.--sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me.--always

10. I test people alot.--sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.--sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I am close to. I'm afraid to be alone.--always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get to close, I panic.--rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no.--sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.--sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.--sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.--never (i guess that's because I haven't had any relationships since then)

18. I'm struggling alot with my partner.--never (it might be different if i had one)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.--never

20. Sexual abuse is really causing a problem in my relationship.--never (can't cause a problem in something that does not exist)

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.--usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't sex in years.--never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.--rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there is basically something wrong with it.--never

5. Sex isn't pleasureable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.--never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.--never

7. It really feels like I am "over-sexed".--never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.--usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.--rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.--never

11. Sex is the thing I am best at.--sometimes

12. I've sold myself for sex.--never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.--sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.--sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb alot during lovemakeing.--never (although i am sure i would be if i was having sex at all)

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feeling I don't understand.--never (i have those anyway)

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.--never (like i said, i am sure that i would though)

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.--never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.--never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.--sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others.--never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.--never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.--never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.--never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.--never

5. (for parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.--N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care.--never

7. I tend to be overprotective.--sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children.--always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.--never

10. I have abused children.--never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).--N/A

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.--always (although i am the only one who knows they are strained)

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa).--never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.--sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.--always

5. I feel crazy when I am around my family.--sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.--usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.--ALWAYS

8. I'm still waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me.--Never (because it won't ever happen)

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...like I am reading someone elses responses. I don't feel quite like myself. But I know that some of the responses would have been different had I done this a couple of months ago, as a few more will be different a few months from now.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...My self-esteem, my body image, and sexuality.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...family origin. The reason is simple...My family loves the person they think I am. They have never seen the true me, and they never will. I have to say that I doubt if they would still love me if they knew the real me. So I will never show that to them.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...theone about my self-esteem and body image. I have a real problem with both of them, as I am sure I will for a long time.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...my self-esteem issues. I believe that somewhere down the road I will be able to overcome some, if not all, of them.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...none of them. I seem to be stuck right now. I don't feel like I am going anywhere.

7. I feel th most hopeless about changing...my body image and also the family thing. The family issues will never change because they will never know what has happened to me. The body image issues...well, they have some hope somewhere, but not anytime soon.

8. I was surprised by...the many ways I have been able to break the silence about things I never thought I would.

9. I learned...that I've really come far in the last 5 months. A lot of it is due to the wonderful people that I have met here, and the influence of this place. Reaching out has never been easy, but after having done it, I see it isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love all of you.

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I printed this out and will read thru it and answer them here at home...I'm interested to see "how I am"...how I am really handeling things...

Thanks...I think to I will get the book...I've heard good things about it...

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ASSESSING THE DAMAGE

Always usually sometimes rarely never

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me - usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy-sometimes

3. I feel ashamed-always

4. I'm different from other people-usually

5. I feel powerless-always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave-sometimes

7. I want to die-sometimes

8. I want to kill myself-sometimes

9. I hate myself-sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself-usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy-rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings-usually

13. I'm often confused-usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them-rarely

15. I'm scared of success-sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job-usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside-usually

18. I'm a perfectionist-always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life-I honestly don't know. Some of the time I think I made up the a*use. Apart from that I'm genuinely not sure. Large chunks of childhood seem to be missing. I've always had an overdeveloped fantasy life in that for most of my life instead of thinking about real life I've thought in the abstract or occupied a space where I was a completely different person in totally different circumstances. I find it hard to think about ME, and who I really am).

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting-never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important-never. But I don't know how to get in touch with mine.

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling-always.

3. I can't tell one feeling from another-always.

4. I only experience one or two emotions-always.

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings-always.

6. I have a hard time crying freely-always.

7. I cry all the time-never.

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy-usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm-sometimes.

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time-rarely.

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me-usually

12. I get depressed a lot-always.

13. I have a lot of nightmares-always.

14. I have panic attacks-sometimes.

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control-always.

16. I've been violent-never.

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be-sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time-usually

2. I frequently space out-sometimes

3. My body often feels numb-usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me-always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)-sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly-always

7. I hide my body-always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up-never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should-Again I genuinely don't know. I do drink, but I don't know if it's too much. I don't think it is - I never drink alone but I do drink for the express reason of being able to communicate with people.

10. I often eat compulsively-always

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up-sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)-sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse-I don't know

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim-never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures-never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth-always. I have kicked my dentist, on occasion.

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist-always, but I do go, and completely space out, become ultra-calm while I'm there.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet-usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work-rarely

3. I don't have many friends-never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover-never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone-never. I'm afraid of being alone, always surround myself with people.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved-sometimes.

7. I don't know what love is-never

8. I find it hard to trust people-always

9. I think people are going to leave me-always

10. I test people a lot-usually

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else-usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone-usually

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic-sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no-sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships-have in the past, now I'm hyper cynical and afraid.

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible-sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser-sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner-never

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser-rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship-never  

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again-never

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years-never

3. I really think sex is disgusting-never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it-never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy-never never ever

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs-never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"-never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me-never never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying-never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want-never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at-umm. I don't really know how to answer this. I believe I satisfy my husband but I don't know if it's the thing I'm best at.

12. I've sold myself for sex-never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me-never

14. I need to control everything about sex-rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking-rarely, although used to be

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand-rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse-never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on-never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality-never

21. I've sexually abused others-never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children-sometimes, seeing men touch children makes me very uncomfortable. Being with them myself, occasionally.

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids-usually

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids-sometimes. I end up being too distant (I think)

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. n/a

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of-never

7. I tend to be overprotective-sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children-always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive-never

10. I have abused children-never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family-occasionally

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)-never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family-never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences-rarely

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family-rarely

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family-sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family-always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me-never

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...almost nothing, but relieved in that I am affected so I have another piece of evidence that the a*use must have happened..I'm not a liar.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

Body and feelings

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

Sexuality. I was very much affected but that has been the most prominent issue that I have worked through with my husband over the space of years.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

What I do with my friends.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

friendship areas.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

Sexuality. Eating.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

Nothing!!! I'm in a very optimistic mood today. Hardest will be feelings I think.

8. I was surprised by...

the level and amount of mind games I play with my friends, I thought I had good relationships with them.

9. I learned...

That I've come a long way with regard to sex, and saw how disassociated I am from my emotions.

Thanks Lis..This was so revealing. I have the book, but I haven't got up to this section yet. I'm taking it way slow.

Keep safe

Crying Angel

(Edited by crying angel at 2:12 pm on May 20, 2001)

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. always

5. I feel powerless. rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. rarely

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. sometimes

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. never

15. I'm scared of success. never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely. sometimes

7. I cry all the time. sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually

12. I get depressed a lot. usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. never

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. often

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). often

6. I think my body is ugly. often

7. I hide my body. often

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. rarely

3. I don't have many friends. rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. rarely

7. I don't know what love is. sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. rarely

10. I test people a lot. sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. rarely

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. sometimes

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. sometimes

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. I used to.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. rarely

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. hahsakjhdkjhas

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex. sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. na

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. yes, once

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. nope.

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. sometimes

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

like i have come a long way. I wish I had done this exercise two years ago to compare the answers. I have done a lot of healing in terms of my relationships with other people and my emotions. I can see where I am working right now: my body, my sexuality, my family.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

all these areas have been affected. probably emotions and self-esteem the most

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

children and parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

sexuality. self-esteem. i dont like to feel or come across like i have failed, or am not 100% strong, so acknowledging these things to myself is hard, but actually posting them where others can see them is even harder.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

my body. i am working at staying "present" more, taking care of my body again, or at least not hating it. i am feeling better already.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

my feelings. i actually feel emotions again, and they feel under control. depression is lessened, i can feel happy again. anger is still hard, but it is better. i was doing an evaluation with my boss this year and she said she has seen me become a very emotive person over the last two years, once who can express her emotion in a controlled and effective manner. I agree with her. I have come far in that area.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

sexuality. ugh.

8. I was surprised by...

doing this exercise in the first place, and deciding i can post it, even if it might make me vulnerable (i hate that fact that family/friends could read this cause they know about my site). i guess i dont care.

9. I learned...

that i have come a long way. that i am working in the right areas.

thanks Lis

Shannon

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Lis, thanks for this exercise....

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. usually

5. I feel powerless. rarely

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. sometimes

7. I want to die. Rarely

8. I want to kill myself.Rarely

9. I hate myself. Rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Rarely

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Rarely

13. I'm often confused. Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Never

15. I'm scared of success. Rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. Usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Usually

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Usually

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Never

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Rarely

7. I cry all the time. Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.  Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Always

14. I have panic attacks. Always

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Sometimes

16. I've been violent. Never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. Rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually

2. I frequently space out. Sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. Usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Usually

6. I think my body is ugly. Sometimes

7. I hide my body. Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Never

10. I often eat compulsively. Rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) Never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Usually

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. Rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Usually

7. I don't know what love is. Never

8. I find it hard to trust people. Always

9. I think people are going to leave me. Usually

10. I test people a lot. Rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Usually

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. Always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Always

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.  Usually

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.  Always

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.Rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.  Usually

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.  Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. Usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.  Usually

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.  Usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Always

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Usually

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex. Rarely

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.  Sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.  Always

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. Usually

21. I've sexually abused others.  Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Usually

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. Never

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Sometimes

8. I've successfully protected children. I hope so

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Never

10. I have abused children. Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). Never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Usually

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) Usually

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Not knowingly

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Yes, completely

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. Nope

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...surprised at how strongly I reacted to some of the questions

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Children and Parenting, it surprised me

3. I was least affected in the areas of... My family of origin, I never told them what was happening, so those were easy to answer

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... sex isn’t pleasurable ever

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my feelings about my body

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... my self-esteem

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my sexuality (cringing)

8. I was surprised by... with my self esteem there were so few always or nevers

9. I learned... I need to learn to trust, myself and others around me.

This was a tiring experience... I think I'll try again in a month or so, I have a feeling that it may be too soon after my last attack to be lasting answers.

((hugs))

Melanie

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Well. I wasnt readdy to do this one befor, so I will give it a try...

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. I dont know...

5. I feel powerless. Sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. never

7. I want to die. not anymore

8. I want to kill myself. not anymore

9. I hate myself. not anymore

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. never

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Sometimes

13. I'm often confused. Sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. never

18. I'm a perfectionist. always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Rarely

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.  never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.  never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. nope

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. nope

6. I have a hard time crying freely. sometimes

7. I cry all the time. sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. usually

12. I get depressed a lot. in waves..sometimes yes, and other times no

13. I have a lot of nightmares. sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. never

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. not as much any more

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. not any more

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). a lot

6. I think my body is ugly. depends on my mood

7. I hide my body. depends on my mood

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. yepp

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. never

10. I often eat compulsively. Never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) used to, but not any more, so: never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Always

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. never

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. usually

3. I don't have many friends. never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Always

7. I don't know what love is. I dont know

8. I find it hard to trust people. Always

9. I think people are going to leave me. Always

10. I test people a lot. never

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. never

14. I have a hard time saying no. Always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. I need a dictionary for this one...

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. usually

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Always

2. I am celibate. never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Always

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. most of the time

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "over sexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. nope

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. nope

14. I need to control everything about sex. Never

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. yepp, all the time

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. sometimes a lot

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. Never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. never

21. I've sexually abused others. Never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Not sure what that means

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. never

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Always

8. I've successfully protected children. I sure hope so

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. Never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never (I would kill that person)

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. a little

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) never

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. never

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. never

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... tired

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Intimacy  and self esteem

3. I was least affected in the areas of... family

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... I dont know...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... intimicy

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... intimicy (got a long way to go)

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my self esteem

8. I was surprised by... nothing really

9. I learned... I have a long way to go.

wow...now Im tired. This was really healthy.

Juli

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Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. usually

4. I'm different from other people. usually

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. sometimes

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. sometimes

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy. rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. rarely

15. I'm scared of success. rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

usually

18. I'm a perfectionist. usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. rarely

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. sometimes

7. I cry all the time. sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. always

14. I have panic attacks. sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. rarely

16. I've been violent. rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

rarely

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

rarely

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. usually

7. I hide my body. sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. never

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. rarely (once)

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. rarely

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

Always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. usually

7. I don't know what love is. sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me. usually

10. I test people a lot. sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. rarely

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. sometimes  

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. always (not counting the rape)

3. I really think sex is disgusting. always

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. usually

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. never

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. rarely

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. never

14. I need to control everything about sex. sometimes (if I ever got brave enough to have a sexual relationship, I'd like to feel some control over the situation)

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. never

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. never (I'm not sexual)

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

never (though this is a fear of mine if I ever have sex)

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

rarely

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. rarely

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. sometimes (I'm not a parent, but I do take care of a child full-time)

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never (I'm overprotective)

7. I tend to be overprotective. always

8. I've successfully protected children. usually

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. sometimes

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). Yes (the one I take care of)

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

Usually

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

sometimes (I let them take advantage of me)

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. usually

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. rarely

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... proud that I've come far, but disappointed that I've made no progress in some areas.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

Sexuality...I'm completely messed up there.

3. I was least affected in the areas of...my family. they weren't supportive (the few who know) but they weren't before that with other things.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

sex and that I'm afraid I'll abuse my children (physically not sexually)...I'd never hurt my kids but the fear that it really is a cycle is always present.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my sexuality. My boyfriend is extremely patient and has been around for years. He's helping regain my trust in him and myself slowly.

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

Self-esteem. Not major strides but definant improvement. I remember hating myself more than anything and just wanting to die. It isn't like that as much anymore.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my family.

8. I was surprised by... the fact that I actually filled this out and posted it. It's not like me to be vulnerable.

9. I learned... that I really am a survivor. I've really come far, but I still have a long way to go.

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(((((HUGS))))) Ok thought id try this little exercise...*smile*

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.rarely

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. sometimes

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. rarely

7. I want to die. rarely

8. I want to kill myself. used to...rarely

9. I hate myself. rarely

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Never

11. I don't deserve to be happy. rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. sometimes

13. I'm often confused. usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. usually

4. I only experience one or two emotions. sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. never

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. always

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. rarely

14. I have panic attacks. usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. sometimes

16. I've been violent. sometimes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. rarely

2. I frequently space out. always

3. My body often feels numb. usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). always

6. I think my body is ugly. usually

7. I hide my body. sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. always

10. I often eat compulsively. sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. rarely

7. I don't know what love is. usually

8. I find it hard to trust people. always

9. I think people are going to leave me. always

10. I test people a lot. always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. usually

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. usually

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. always

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. usually

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. rarely

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. rarely

3. I really think sex is disgusting. usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. always

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. always

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" always

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. always

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. always

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. usually

14. I need to control everything about sex. rarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. always

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. rarely

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. rarely

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. always

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. usually

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. sometimes

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. rarely

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

8. I've successfully protected children.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

10. I have abused children.

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. never

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... overwelmed by how many i answered, always and usually.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Sex and my body seems to be my big issues...

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Children

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... Sex

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... I dont even know where to begin

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... relationships, im trying to get better at trusting ppl i care about and not testing ppl so much.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... the issues on sex

8. I was surprised by... that i finished this little exercise with out a trigger..=)

9. I learned... a TON about myself..best i can say

Donna =)

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Whoopsie i missed like 6 questions(embaressed):

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. NEVER

7. I tend to be overprotective. ALWAYS

8. I've successfully protected children. ALWAYS

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. NEVER

10. I have abused children. NEVER!

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). N/A

there we go =)

donna =)

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. sometimes

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. rarely

7. I want to die. sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. never

15. I'm scared of success. never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. always

18. I'm a perfectionist. always

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. always

12. I get depressed a lot. usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. usually

14. I have panic attacks. rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. sometimes

16. I've been violent. never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. often

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). often

6. I think my body is ugly. often

7. I hide my body. often

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. alcohol, yes

10. I often eat compulsively. rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. maybe?

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. always

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. usually

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. rarely

3. I don't have many friends. never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. rarely

10. I test people a lot. sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. always (for me) rarely (for others)

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. never

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. n/a

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. n/a

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. it would be if I was in one

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. sometimes

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. always I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely (just something wrong with me)

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. I used to.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. always

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. rarely

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. yup

14. I need to control everything about sex. sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. always

8. I've successfully protected children. yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. no

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. won't happen

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... okay

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

sexuality, feelings, self-esteem, intimacy, family

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

children and parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

sexuality.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

self-esteem, feelings, trusting people

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

I have FULLY recovered from anorexia/bulimia

I’m not as depressed

Learning to trust

Opening up

I feel like I am taking control of my life

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

sexuality, body image, family.

8. I was surprised by...

the fact that I am about to post this.

9. I learned...

that i am moving in the right direction.  

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I haven't picked up the Courage to Heal yet but I think I just might go out tonight and get it.

Here I go on the exercise anyway...

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. - sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. - sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.-usually

4. I'm different from other people.- usually

5. I feel powerless. usually

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -always

7. I want to die. - sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. - sometimes

9. I hate myself. - usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.- usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy. - always

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. - usually

13. I'm often confused. - usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. - always

15. I'm scared of success. - always

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. - usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.- nenvr

18. I'm a perfectionist. - rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. - rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. - rarely

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.- sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. - usually

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. - sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. - sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. - always

6. I have a hard time crying freely. - sometimes

7. I cry all the time. sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. - always

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. - sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. - usually

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. - sometimes

12. I get depressed a lot. sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. - sometimes

14. I have panic attacks. - sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. - usually

16. I've been violent.- sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. - rarely

2. I frequently space out. - sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. - sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals - usually (hunger, tiredness, pain).

6. I think my body is ugly. - always

7. I hide my body. - always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. - never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. - sometimes

10. I often eat compulsively. -sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. - never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)-sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. - rarely

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. - never

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. - never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. - always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. - always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. - always

3. I don't have many friends. - always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. - usually

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. - always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. - always

7. I don't know what love is. - always

8. I find it hard to trust people. - always

9. I think people are going to leave me. - always

10. I test people a lot. - rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. - usually

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. - always

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. - sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. - always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. - sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. - sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. - sometimes

3. I really think sex is disgusting. never

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. - never

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. - rarely

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.- never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" - what?

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. never

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. - sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. - sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. - rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. rarely

14. I need to control everything about sex. - nrarely

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. - sometimes

16. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. - rarely

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. - sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. - rarely

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. - never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. - never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. - sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. - never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. - usually

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)- sometimes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. - usually

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. - usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. - always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. - sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. - always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. - never

hugs and more hugs,

Joelle

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. usually

3. I feel ashamed. sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. sometimes

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. rarely

7. I want to die. Rarely

8. I want to kill myself. rarely

9. I hate myself. Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. rarely

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. rarely

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. rarely

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. always

7. I cry all the time. never

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. rarely

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. never

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. always

12. I get depressed a lot. Sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. usually

14. I have panic attacks. rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. sometimes

16. I've been violent. Rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. sometimes

2. I frequently space out. sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. Rarely

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. R

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). usually

6. I think my body is ugly. Usually

7. I hide my body. Usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. alcohol, No

10. I often eat compulsively. Sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. maybe?

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Always

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Yeah it really freaked me out last time

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. (Oh crap dont remind me)

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. rarely

3. I don't have many friends. never

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people. usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. Someimtes

10. I test people a lot. sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. always (for me) rarely (for others

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. never

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. usually

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. n/a

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. n/a

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. it would be if I was in one

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. sometimes

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. always I think there's something basically wrong with it. rarely (just something wrong with me)

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. I used to.

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed." never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. always

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. rarely

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. rarely

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. yup

14. I need to control everything about sex. sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. rarely

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. always

8. I've successfully protected children. yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa). always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Yes

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. won't happen

---

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... okay

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

sexuality, feelings, self-esteem, intimacy, family

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

children and parenting.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

sexuality.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

self-esteem, feelings, trusting people

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

I’m not as depressed

Learning to trust

Opening up

I feel like I am taking control of my life

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

sexuality, body image, family.

8. I was surprised by...

the fact that I am about to post this.

9. I learned...

that i am moving in the right direction.  

-----

And

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SELF ESTEEM

i feel dirty, like theres something wrong with me-sometimes

sometimes i think im crazy-rarely

i feel ashamed-sometimes

i'm different from other people-sometimes

i feel powerless-sometimes

if people really knew me, they'd leave-sometimes

i want to die-never

i want to kill myself-never

i hate myself-sometimes

i have a hard time taking care of myslef-always

i dont deserve to be happy-usually

i dont trust my intution or my feelings-rarely

im often confused-sometimes

i dont know how to set goals and follow through on them-always

i'm scared of success-never

im a failure.  i dont feel capable of doing a good job-usually

i use work to make up for empty feelings inside-sometimes

im a perfectionist-usually

ive made up a lot of storieds about my life- never

i've done a lot of shoplifting-never

MY FEELINGS

i dont think feelings are very important-never

i usually dont know what im feeling-sometimes

i cant tell one feeling from another-sometimes

i only experience one or two emotions-never

i have a hard time expressing my feelings-sometimes

i have a hard time crying freely-never

i cry all the time-usually

i get uncomfortable when i feel too happy-never

i get nervous when things are relaxed and calm-never

i feel enraged a lot of the time-sometimes

im rarely angry. anger scares me-sometimes

i get depressed a lot-usually

i have a lot of nightmares-always

i have panic attacks-usually

if i really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control-sometimes

i've been violent-sometimes

i havent been violent yet, but im worried i might be-sometimes

MY BODY

im not "in my body" a lot of the time-rarely

i frequently space out- sometimes

my body often feels numb-rarely

i feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me- sometimes

i dont pay too much attention to my bodys signals (hunger, tiredness, pain)-never

i think my body is ugly-usually

i hide my body-usually

im dyslexis.  i had learning disabilities growing up-never

i use drugs or alchol more than i think i should- never

i often eat compulsively-usually

i keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up-never

i hurt myself on purpose-never

i have illnesses i think are related to my abuse-usually

ive worked out to make my body strong to i wouldnt feel like a victim-never

ive had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures-always

im scared to go to the dentist.  i hate the feeling of things in my mouth-never

im scared to go to the gynecologist-always

INTIMACY

i often feel alienated from other people, as if im from another planet-sometimes

most of my relationships just dont work-usually

i dont have many friends-sometimes

im okay with my friends, but i just cant work things out with a lover-usually

i think im really meant to be alone-never

im not sure i deserve to be loved-sometimes

i dont know what love is-rarely

i find i hard to trust people-always

i think people are going to leave me-usually

i test people a lot-always

its hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else-usually

im clingy with people im close to.  im afraid to be alone-always

im scared of making commitment.  when people get too close,i panic-usually

i have a hard time saying no-never

people take advantage of me in relationships-never

i get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible-rarely

ive had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser-rarely

im struggling alot with my partner-rarely

sometimes i think my partner is my abuser-rarely

sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship-rarely

SEXUALITY

i avoid sex. deep down, i wish i never had to deal with sex again-always

i am celibate.  i havent had sex in years-never

i really think sex is disgusting-always

i dont feel sexual desire.  i think theres something basically wrong withit-always

sex isnt pleasurable for me.  i usually have sex to make the other person happy- always

i try to use sex to meet most of my needs-rarely

it really feels like im oversexed-???

sex and aggression are really connected for me-never

i find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways.  its just not satisfying-never

i frequently go after sex i really dont want-never

sex is the thing im best at-never

ive sold myself for sex-never

ive had sex with people who dont respect me-rarely

i need to control everything about sex-always

i have a hard time staying present when I make love.  in numb a lot during lovemaking-usually

when i am sexual, ihave terrifying scary feelings i dont understand-always

i often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love-always

i get sexually aroused when i read or talk about sexual desire-NEVER

violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on-NEVER

im ashamed of my sexuality-rarely

ive sexually abused others-never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

i feel awkard and uncomfortable around children-never

i have a hard time being affectionate with kids-rarely

i have a hard tiem setting boundaries with kids-never

i have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own-never

i feel inadequate as a parent-usually

i have trouble protecting children i take care of-never

i tend to be overprotective-always

ive successfully protected children-always

im scared ill be abusive-rarely

i have abused children-never

my kids have been abused (by someone else)-never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

i have strained relationships with my family-sometimes

members of my family have rejected me or vice versa-rarely

i have a hard time setting limits with my family-never

people in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences-never

i feel crazy when im around my family-never

i cant be honest with people in my family-usually

my abuse is still a secret in my family-always

im waiting for people in my family to come around and support me-never

when i overlook my responses i feel like ive come a lot farther than where i was a while ago.

i've been most strong affected in the areas of sexuality and intimacy.

i was least affected in the areas of my family.

the hardest statment for me to acknowledge was that i think sex is disgusting, and that i can definatly live witout it.

i feel the most hopeful about making changes in my relationship and how my abuse affects me.

i already made strides in the following areas: family and relationship

i feel the most hopeless about changing my desire for sex.

i was surprised by...nothing really.

i learned that i still have alot of work to do within myself and the way i treat others

this was a very good and useful exercise.  thank you for the opportunity.  im exhausted now..but thank you.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.

usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.

always

4. I'm different from other people.

sometimes

5. I feel powerless.

sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.

always

7. I want to die.

sometimes

8. I want to kill myself.

sometimes

9. I hate myself.

sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.

sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.

always

13. I'm often confused.

sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.

rarely

15. I'm scared of success.

sometimes

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist.

never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.

rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.

never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

never

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

sometimes

7. I cry all the time.

sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.

sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.

sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.

rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

always

12. I get depressed a lot.

always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

sometimes

14. I have panic attacks.

rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

always

16. I've been violent.

never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

always

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

always

2. I frequently space out.

always

3. My body often feels numb.

always

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

always

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

always

6. I think my body is ugly.

sometimes

7. I hide my body.

sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

always

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

always

10. I often eat compulsively.

never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

sometimes

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

yes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

yup

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

no

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

yup

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

sometimes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

always!!!!

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

always

3. I don't have many friends.

sometimes

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

always

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

always

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

always

7. I don't know what love is.

sometimes

8. I find it hard to trust people.

always

9. I think people are going to leave me.

always

10. I test people a lot.

always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

always

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

alway

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

always

14. I have a hard time saying no.

ALWAYS

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

always

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

always

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

always

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

yup

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

always

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

yup

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

yup

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

yup

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

used to

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

nope

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

yup

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

used to

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

used to

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

used to

12. I've sold myself for sex.

nope

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

yup

14. I need to control everything about sex.

yup

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

yup

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

no

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

yup

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

yup

21. I've sexually abused others.

i dont know. i might have as a child/

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

sometimes

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

yup

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

no

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

no

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

7. I tend to be overprotective.

8. I've successfully protected children.

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

no

10. I have abused children.

no

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

no

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

yup

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

sort of

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

sometimes

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

unsure. i feel as though i'm controlling.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

sex

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

kids

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

controlling in sex

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

my self esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

i havent

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

everything. esp family

8. I was surprised by...

how i responded to sex

9. I learned...

that i am controlling. that i used sex in a controlling manor.

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.

>usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

>usually

3. I feel ashamed.

>usually

4. I'm different from other people.

>always

5. I feel powerless.

>always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.

>always

7. I want to die.

>sometimes

8. I want to kill myself.

>sometimes

9. I hate myself.

>usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

>usually

11. I don't deserve to be happy.

>usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.

>sometimes

13. I'm often confused.

usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. always

>always

15. I'm scared of success. Yes

>usually

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

>usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

>sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. Nope

>never

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.

>used to

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

>used to

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.

>nope

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

>yup

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

>yup

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

>nope

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

>yup

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

>nope

7. I cry all the time.

>YUP

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.

>sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.

>sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.

>Yes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

>nope

12. I get depressed a lot.

>usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

>usually

14. I have panic attacks.

>usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

>always

16. I've been violent.

>used to

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

>not as much anymore

2. I frequently space out.

>yes

3. My body often feels numb.

>yes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

>yes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

>yes

6. I think my body is ugly.

>yes

7. I hide my body.

>yes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

>nope

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

>yes

10. I often eat compulsively.

>nope

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

>nope

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

>Not anymore

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

>no

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

>besides the pts, panic attacks no

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

>yes,

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

>no

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

>no, not my own Dr. but only my dr.

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

>always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

>some do but fall apart

3. I don't have many friends.

>nope don't make them easy, or keep them well.

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

>no

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

<no

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

>sometimes< I wonder why he is still here

7. I don't know what love is.

>

8. I find it hard to trust people.

>YES

9. I think people are going to leave me:

>YES, once they get to know me

they will go away, everyone does.

10. I test people a lot.

>No Just wait until the end

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

>Yes, I want to be a friend, and say something to someone but, I worry that

I will just go on about my self or they will think I have no clue about how they

feel.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

>yes, yes yes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

>no

14. I have a hard time saying no.

>always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

>no

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

>no

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

>o

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

>no

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

>that's happened a few or so times I have completely freaked out

him.

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

>nope

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

>no

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

>no

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

>no

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

>I really don't have the desire but I don't have a problem with it

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

>>Yes, YES

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

no

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

>sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

>no

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

>no

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

>no

12. I've sold myself for sex.

>no

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

>yes

14. I need to control everything about sex.

>no

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. >yes yes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

>sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

>no

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

>no

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

>no

21. I've sexually abused others.

>no

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

>no

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.

>no

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.

>no

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

>no

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

>sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

>no

7. I tend to be overprotective.

>yes

8. I've successfully protected children.

>I hope so

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.

>no

10. I have abused children.

>no

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).

>(?)

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

>sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

>no

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

>no

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

>no

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

>no

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

>yes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

>no, a secret from my family

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

>no

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

>better, relieved

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

>self esstem

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

>parenting

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

>the Sex part

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

>i don't know

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

> don't know

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

>telling

8. I was surprised by...

>my feeling

9. I learned...

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. (sometimes)

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. (sometimes)

3. I feel ashamed. (always)

4. I'm different from other people. (always)

5. I feel powerless. (usually)

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. (sometimes)

7. I want to die. (rarely)

8. I want to kill myself. (rarely)

9. I hate myself.

(sometimes)

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. (sometimes)

11. I don't deserve to be happy. (sometimes)

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. (sometimes)

13. I'm often confused. (sometimes)

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. (usually)

15. I'm scared of success.

(sometimes)

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. (sometimes)

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. (sometimes)

18. I'm a perfectionist. (usually)

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. (sometimes)

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. (rarely)

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. (sometimes)

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. (usually)

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

(sometimes)

4. I only experience one or two emotions. (usually)

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. (always)

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

(rarely)

7. I cry all the time. (usually)

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. (sometimes)

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. (usually)

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. (usually)

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. (never)

12. I get depressed a lot. (usually)

13. I have a lot of nightmares. (always)

14. I have panic attacks. (always)

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. (always)

16. I've been violent. (sometimes)

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

sometimes)

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

(sometimes)

2. I frequently space out.

(sometimes)

3. My body often feels numb. (sometimes)

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. (sometimes)

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

(sometimes)

6. I think my body is ugly.

(always)

7. I hide my body.

(always)

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. (never)

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. (rarely)

10. I often eat compulsively.

(sometimes)

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. (never)

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) (sometimes)

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. (sometimes)

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. (never)

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. (never)

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

(sometimes)

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. (always)

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

(always)

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

(sometimes)

3. I don't have many friends. (usually)

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

(sometimes)

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. (sometimes)

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

(sometimes)

7. I don't know what love is. (usually)

8. I find it hard to trust people. (always)

9. I think people are going to leave me. (always)

10. I test people a lot.

(always)

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

(sometimes)

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

(usually)

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. (sometimes)

14. I have a hard time saying no. (always)

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. (sometimes)

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

(sometimes)

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

(sometimes)

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. (sometimes)

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. (rarely)

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

(usually)

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. (always)

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. (never)

3. I really think sex is disgusting. (usually)

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

(usually)

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. (sometimes)

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. (never)

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" (never)

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

(sometimes)

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

(never)

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. (never)

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. (nver)

12. I've sold myself for sex. (rarely)

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. (sometimes)

14. I need to control everything about sex.

(alwasy)

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

(usually)

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

(usually)

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

(usually)

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. (never)

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. (never)

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. (rarely)

21. I've sexually abused others. (never)

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.

(never)

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.(never)

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. (never)

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.

(never)

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.

(sometimes)

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of.

(neer)

7. I tend to be overprotective. (always)

8. I've successfully protected children. (usually)

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. (rarely)

10. I have abused children. (never)

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). (never)

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

(sometmes)

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) (sometimes)

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. (usually)

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. (sometimes)

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. (sometimes)

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.(sometimes)

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. (never)

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

(sometimes)

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned...

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Although I am not able to get to the Sunday chats, I thought I'd try to do this exercise again.  The results suprised me.

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Usually

3. I feel ashamed. Usually

4. I'm different from other people. Always :)

5. I feel powerless. Sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Usually

7. I want to die. Rarely

8. I want to kill myself. Never

9. I hate myself. Sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Sometimes

13. I'm often confused. Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Never

15. I'm scared of success. Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Never

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. Usually

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Never

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Never :)

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Never

7. I cry all the time. Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Sometimes

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Never

12. I get depressed a lot. Usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Always

14. I have panic attacks. Usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. usually

16. I've been violent. Rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be.

not any more

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually

2. I frequently space out. usually

3. My body often feels numb. Usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Rarely

6. I think my body is ugly. sometimes

7. I hide my body. usually

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. never

10. I often eat compulsively. sometimes

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. rarely

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) never

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. rarely

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. yes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. yes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. yes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. yes

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. always

3. I don't have many friends. nope

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. yes!!

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. sometimes

7. I don't know what love is. never

8. I find it hard to trust people. sometimes

9. I think people are going to leave me. usually

10. I test people a lot. rarely

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. never

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. rarely

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. always

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. sometimes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. oh yes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. YES!! Always

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. nope

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. sometimes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. rarely

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" rarely

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. usually

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. never

12. I've sold myself for sex. rarely

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. always

14. I need to control everything about sex. always

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. rarely

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. never

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. always

8. I've successfully protected children. I hope so

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. sort of

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. nope, done waiting

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... kinda bummed I haven't made progress, but have rather regressed.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... Intimacy (big suprise)

3. I was least affected in the areas of... Children and Parenting, I'm definately more comfortable with that role.

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... I don't feel that I desearve to be loved.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self-esteem

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... I don't think I've made any major strides, although I did tell my family about what has happened the past seven months.

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... my relationship issues, they all seem to fail eventually

8. I was surprised by... how little progress I've made

9. I learned... I have made very little progress

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OKAY here goes me. Please don't hate me for any of my answers there's a lot I've done that isn't very nice but i don't do any of them anymore, straightened myself up.

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. Usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Always

3. I feel ashamed. Sometimes

4. I'm different from other people. Sometimes

5. I feel powerless. Always

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. Always

7. I want to die. Sometimes

8. I want to kill myself. Rarely

9. I hate myself. Usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. Sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. Always

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. Never

13. I'm often confused. Usually

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. Usually

15. I'm scared of success. Never

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. Sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. Rarely

18. I'm a perfectionist. Rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. Sometimes

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. Used to all the time

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. Rarely

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. Rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. Rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. Usually

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Sometimes

6. I have a hard time crying freely. Sometimes

7. I cry all the time. Sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. Always

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. Always

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. Rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. Usually

12. I get depressed a lot. Always

13. I have a lot of nightmares. Always

14. I have panic attacks. Usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. Always

16. I've been violent. Yes

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. N/A

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. Usually

2. I frequently space out. Always

3. My body often feels numb. Usually

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. Usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). Usually

6. I think my body is ugly. Always

7. I hide my body. Never

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. Never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. Never

10. I often eat compulsively. Never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. Never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

Sometimes

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. Always

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. Rarely (ewww exercise!!!)

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. Sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. Sometimes

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. Usually

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. Always

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. Usually

3. I don't have many friends. Always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. Sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. Usually

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. Always

7. I don't know what love is. #### no I don't know what love is!!!!

8. I find it hard to trust people. Trust. Huh???

9. I think people are going to leave me. Always

10. I test people a lot. Always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. Always

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. Usually

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. Rarely

14. I have a hard time saying no. Usually

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. Used to

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. Used to

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. Yes

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. Sometimes

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. Sometimes

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. Usually

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. Always

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. Never

3. I really think sex is disgusting. Usually

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. Sometimes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. Always

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. Usually

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" Sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. Sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. Never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. Used to

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. Usually

12. I've sold myself for sex. Used to

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. Yes

14. I need to control everything about sex. Always

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. Always

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. Usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. Sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. Sometimes

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

Usually

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

Never

21. I've sexually abused others. never ever ever

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. Never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. Rarely

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. Rarely

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. Sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. N/A

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. Never

7. I tend to be overprotective. Always

8. I've successfully protected children. Yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. Yes

10. I have abused children. No way

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). N/A

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. Always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) Always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. Denial baby!!!

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. Me loopy woman

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. Always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. Yes

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. It'll never happen.

Gawd I've got it bad!!!! Sorry for my pathetic self.

Rachael

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Read each sentence and indicate how frequently you have experienced or feel that way (Always, Usually, Sometimes, Rarely, Never).

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.

Sometimes

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

Sometimes

3. I feel ashamed.

always

4. I'm different from other people.

sometimes

5. I feel powerless.

sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.

sometimes

7. I want to die.

always

8. I want to kill myself.

always

9. I hate myself.

always

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.

sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy.

usually

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings.

sometimes

13. I'm often confused.

sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them.

sometimes

15. I'm scared of success.

rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.

sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.

Never (I don't have a job)

18. I'm a perfectionist.

rarely

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.

never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important.

always

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling.

sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another.

sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions.

sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

always

7. I cry all the time.

sometimes (only if I'm alone and no one else can see or hear me)

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy.

sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.

sometimes

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.

usually

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

always angry but it does scare me

12. I get depressed a lot.

always

13. I have a lot of nightmares.

always

14. I have panic attacks.

rarely

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.

usually

16. I've been violent.

sometimes

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time.

sometimes

2. I frequently space out.

usually

3. My body often feels numb.

sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.

sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).

usually

6. I think my body is ugly.

sometimes

7. I hide my body.

sometimes

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.

never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should.

always (alcohol)

10. I often eat compulsively.

never

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.

usually (don't eat)

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

always (cut)

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.

sometimes

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.

usually

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.

once

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.

never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.

kind of

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.

sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work.

rarely

3. I don't have many friends.

some friends

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.

sometimes

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

sometimes

7. I don't know what love is.

always

8. I find it hard to trust people.

always

9. I think people are going to leave me.

always

10. I test people a lot.

sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.

always

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic.

sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no.

sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.

often

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.

rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.

never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.

rarely

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.

never

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship.

sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.

sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.

never

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

sometimes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

usually

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.

sometimes

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed"

sometimes

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.

sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.

sometimes

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.

sometimes

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at.

rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex.

never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.

sometimes

14. I need to control everything about sex.

sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking.

sometimes

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand.

usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

usually

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.

never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.

never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

no

21. I've sexually abused others.

never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

not a parent and really don't like kids

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family.

always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)

always

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.

sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

usually

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.

always

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

usually

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.

some family members don't know

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me.

never (i know they won't)

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

angry

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

most of them

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

as many as I can

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

family and trust

8. I was surprised by...

9. I learned...

I'm not alone

HollyAnn

TigerCat016@aol.com

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ok, Let's try to be honest and to see what are the damages ... Here are the one which are right for me :

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy (often lately)

3. I feel ashamed. ( less than I used to do but still a little sometimes)

4. I'm different from other people.

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. (if I did, I wouldn't have been abused by the second man :( )

13. I'm often confused. ( confused could be my nickname )

18. I'm a perfectionist.

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. ( true oly when it comes to feelings about my abuse)

6. I have a hard time crying freely.

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me.

12. I get depressed a lot. ( lately ...)

13. I have a lot of nightmares. ( lately ...)

14. I have panic attacks.( not very often but sometimes )

3. My body often feels numb.

7. I hide my body. ( I did for years, now I feel better with that )

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. ( so true, that's the reason, I've never been there )

3. I don't have many friends.

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.

8. I find it hard to trust people.

9. I think people are going to leave me.

10. I test people a lot.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone.

14. I have a hard time saying no.

3. I really think sex is disgusting.

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it.

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. ( it's why everything about sex trigger me )

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.( it has been for years, I finally told to my parents few months ago, bt my father went to see my uncle and that jerk told to all my family I was accusing him of abusing me )

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. ( STILL WAITING !!!!!)

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... Wow, this make me look at the truth, I can't avoid it. It hurts.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... don't really know, feelings and sexuality

3. I was least affected in the areas of... my body

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... I'm ashamed when it comes to sex

8. I was surprised by... the fact I answered honestly to these questions.

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about me, liesel:

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. SOMETIMES

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I KNOW I AM

3. I feel ashamed. MOST OF THE TIME

4. I'm different from other people.ALWAYS BUT THATS A GOOD THING

5. I feel powerless. SOMETIMES

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. NOPE

7. I want to die. SOMETIMES

8. I want to kill myself. NOPE NOT ANYMORE

9. I hate myself. AT THE MOMENT VERY MUCH

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.SOMETIMES

11. I don't deserve to be happy. EVERYONE DESERVES 2B HAPPY

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. I WANT TO. AM WORKING ON THAT

13. I'm often confused. VERY MUCH

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. SOMETIMES

15. I'm scared of success. SOMETIMES

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. SOMETIMES

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. NOPE

18. I'm a perfectionist. NOPE

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. NOPE

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. NOT MUCH

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. NOPE

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. AT THE MOMENT I DONT

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. SOMETIMES

4. I only experience one or two emotions. NOPE

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. SOMETIMES

6. I have a hard time crying freely. TRY NEVER TO CRY

7. I cry all the time. NOT AT ALL

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. WHAT IS TOO HAPPY?

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. SOMETIMES

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. YEP

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. NOPE

12. I get depressed a lot. NOT A LOT

13. I have a lot of nightmares. ALL THE TIME

14. I have panic attacks. HAPPENS

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. SOMETIMES

16. I've been violent. NOPE

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. ONLY AGAINST MY ATTACKER(S)

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. YEP

2. I frequently space out. YEP

3. My body often feels numb. YEP

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me.YEP

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). NOPE

6. I think my body is ugly. AM SURE OF THAT

7. I hide my body. MOST OF THE TIME

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. NOPE

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. NOPE

10. I often eat compulsively. NOPE

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. NOPE.NOT WITH THE INTENTION TO THROW UP

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself)

USED TO CUT AND INJURE.STOPPED.SNAPPED FEW DAYS AGO

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.NOPE

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. DID IT FOR A WHILE.NOT ANYMORE

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. NOPE

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. NOPE

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist.  HATE THAT

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. A LOT

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. NOPE

3. I don't have many friends. HAVE MANY GOOD FRIENDS

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. SOMETIMES

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone.USED TO BUT NOT ANYMORE

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. YEP

7. I don't know what love is. I WANDER IF I KOW

8. I find it hard to trust people. VERY VERY HARD

9. I think people are going to leave me. A LOT

10. I test people a lot. NOPE

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. NOPE

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. CLINGY NO. AFRAID YES

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. NOPE/SOMETIMES

14. I have a hard time saying no. NOPE

15. People take advantage of me in relationships.NOT ANYMORE

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. NOPE

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. NOOOOOOOOOOOPE

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner.USED TO

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. NOPE

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. YEP

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.YEP

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years.NOPE

3. I really think sex is disgusting. YEP

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. DONT WANNA FEEL IT

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. NOT ANYMORE

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.NEVER

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" NOT AT ALL

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.YEP

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. NOPE

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.NOPE

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. NOPE

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. YES

14. I need to control everything about sex.JUST HATE SEX

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. I CAN LEAVE MY BODY

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. AM NOT SEXUAL

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.

A LOT

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.NOOOOOOOPE

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.YAK NOPE

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. GUESS SO

21. I've sexually abused others. NEVER

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.NOPE LUV THEM

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.NOPE

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. NOPE

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. NOPE

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. NOPE

7. I tend to be overprotective. NOPE

8. I've successfully protected children. DONT KNOW

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. NOPE

10. I have abused children. NOOOOOOOPE

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. YEP

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa)NOPE THEY DONT BELIEVE ME

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. NOPE

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. YEP

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family.NOT FEEL CRAZY BUT GO CRAZY

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. NOPE

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. YEP

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. NOPE DONT NEED THEM

1. When I look over my responses, I feel...

IT IS CONFRONTING

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of...

SEXUALITY

3. I was least affected in the areas of...

CHILDREN

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...

SEXUALITY

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...

SELFESTEEM

6. I already made major strides in the following areas...

SELESTEEM+INTIMICY

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...

TRUSTING PEOPLE+SHOWING MY REAL FEELINGS

8. I was surprised by...

NOTHING

9. I learned...

I STILL HAVE A VERY LONG WAY TO GO

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SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.  usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  Rarely

3. I feel ashamed. always

4. I'm different from other people. always

5. I feel powerless. sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. usually

7. I want to die. never

8. I want to kill myself. never

9. I hate myself. sometimes

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. sometimes

13. I'm often confused. sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. rarely

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. usually

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. never

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. never

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. sometimes

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. sometimes

4. I only experience one or two emotions. sometimes

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. usually

6. I have a hard time crying freely. sometimes

7. I cry all the time. sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. usually

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. usually

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. always

12. I get depressed a lot. usually

13. I have a lot of nightmares. usually

14. I have panic attacks. usually

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. sometimes

16. I've been violent. rarely

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. usually

2. I frequently space out. usually

3. My body often feels numb. sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. sometimes

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). sometimes

6. I think my body is ugly. always

7. I hide my body. always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. never

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. never

10. I often eat compulsively. usually

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. never

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. ?

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. sometimes

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. sometimes

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. usually

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. rarely

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. never

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. never

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. usually

7. I don't know what love is. never

8. I find it hard to trust people. always

9. I think people are going to leave me. always

10. I test people a lot. always

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. sometimes

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. sometimes

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. usually

14. I have a hard time saying no. sometimes

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. sometimes

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. sometimes

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. NEVER

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. usually

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. rarely

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. sometimes

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. sometimes

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. no

3. I really think sex is disgusting. sometimes

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. sometimes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. sometimes

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. sometimes

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. rarely

12. I've sold myself for sex. never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. never

14. I need to control everything about sex. Would like to

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. usually

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. sometimes

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. sometimes

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. always

21. I've sexually abused others. never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. sometimes

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. sometimes

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. never

7. I tend to be overprotective. usually

8. I've successfully protected children. yes

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. never

10. I have abused children. never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). never

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. always

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) yes

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. Always

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. always

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. usually

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. always

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. never

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... nothing. Numb.

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... spacing out, depression, sexuality, self-image.

3. I was least affected in the areas of... children

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... how powerful the affects still are.

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... all areas…

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... I don’t know yet

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... I don’t know yet

8. I was surprised by... nothing

9. I learned... nothing

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