Guest

You didn't report it...

118 posts in this topic

I'm in a mad crazy limbo land because I so want to tell everybody and have him thrown into gaol for what he did to me. But i'm being told to think about his wife and children (as if they'd be best with him anyway) and that if I did anything, whether it be reporting or just telling people then it would be destroying his families life - seems to me like he's quite capable of that himself.
I'm feeling extremely afraid and guilty because i'm worried that he has hurt someone else or will hurt someone else in the future. The day I saw him get married I thought it was the end of everything - I thought it meant that finally things would be okay, he'd not be able to hurt me again because he had someone to satisfy his needs. I was a lot younger then but I didn't realise that it didn't matter if he was married, he still had the capability to harm someone and now i'm told its too late - I can't come 10 years later and ruin someone's life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 I don't think it's our responsibility to stop them from raping someone else. It's their choice to do what they do, noone elses. I applaud women who put their rapists/abusers behind bars, but at the same time even if they do get locked up, they'll be out again sooner or later. I don't mean to get too far into details or too negative, but even if they did get locked up, there are a lot of people who go on offending in prisons w/even more freedom it seems. It could be though that's just what i tell myself to feel better though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i deal with a lot of guilt because my grandfather who abused me still sees my cousins and i know he does it to them (emotionally) and i don't know what to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
everyone keeps telling me i have to go to the police...they say if i dont report him hell think he did nothing wrong and hurt somebody else...and everyday i wonder, has he hurt anybody yet? has he befriended another naive girl? is he hurting someone right now? my boyfriend said it wasnt my fault it happened, but it is my fault im not doing anything about it...that was one of the last things he said to me before my suicide attempt actually...never thought about that...anyway, ive been considering going to the police a lot more lately because i think if i dont do something it will eat me up inside...at first it was completely out of the question, 1.) i dont like cops and 2.) i was humiliated and ashamed and i thought everyone would think i was a slut...i still deal with these feelings but then again, its only been two months...i think i should go to the police because i really have this gut feeling it will happen again, and i cant let him do that, to manipulate, confuse, torture another girl like that...and what about his daughters? im trying to work up the courage but the police intimidate so much, for some reason they make me feel so...powerless...i guess its dumb but im afraid ill go there and theyll look at me and think things and not believe me and just...i dont know...im so afraid, afraid of him hurting me again but more afraid hell hurt again...and its such a very real possibility

guess i just needed to get that out...i know i have to tell, im just afraid ill wait till its too late, till he does it again...

i really do believe i DO have a responsibility, and i can not shake that feeling...if my friend had told me what he did to her, i wouldnt have gone with him that night...but i know why she didnt tell, i know...i just dont want anyone else to have to say the same thing

*tears*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
So I feel like an idiot.  I have been raped 3 times and was abused for 6 years as a kid.  I didn't report any of it.  some people know but they never mentioned going to the police.  It didn't really cross my mind...I don't know why.
 Now I wonder.  what would have happened?  what became of those ppl and who have they hurt? one died (drug od) one I see from time to time and the other 2 I have no idea.
 I don't feel too bad about the three things that happened when I was under 18.  But the one that happened when I was 18 bothers me.  It's not a sense of guilt but that I would have had a good case.  If someone would have told me and been there with me...
 I don't know.

learning

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ok ...in my case, i know i am responsible to report him and prevent him from repeating and i know it will be my fault if he does, but i also know i am to weak to go through with a prosecution.
reason it is my responsibility is it is likely he does not know what he does, that he has a split personality and the kind caring guy has no awareness of the actions of the rapist....therefore he can't stop himself, also he carries a deadly virus he may not know he has, as i am the one that knows it is my job to make sure he knows and that he doens't transmit it to anyone else....wow, i'm really selfish not to press charges

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I was raped by a stranger at 15, with a witness to my abduction, reported it to the police, and went through all the proceedings and a trial.  
After this, there was still no conviction.
I have felt much the same guilt over not getting him convicted as it sounds like others have over not reporting.
So, I would say that it probably doesn't matter whether you report or not, and I heartily agree with the statement that we are _not_ responsible for anything the rapist may do.
Even if he were convicted, he could hurt people after his release.  
I think that this sort of guilt is a way of feeling like I have some sort of control over what happens?  But in this case, there is no control, no responsibility, and no fault.  And there should be no guilt (still trying on that one)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I didnt report either of them. I don't know if Tedy hurt any one after me, and I dare not think on it too much. I was a child, i had no idea what to do... so I kept quiet. As for Tristan... I [i]know[/i] he did it again... and I try so hard not to think about it, because I feel terrible. He was sent to juvinile court for raping a little girl 3 years before he raped me for the first time. I envy that little girls courage, I wish I had even an ounce of it... but even if she haddent.... I wouldnt blame her. Its just hard for me to not blame myself for her pain... any one else he has/might hurt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WHY IS IT OUR RESPONSIBILITY??? Why should be have the burden of being the target if these a**holes do it to someone else? I heard a rumor which I think is true that the guy who raped me *a very good friend* did it to another girl a couple of yrs before me. Is it her fault for struggling with the demons that I know I felt when thinking about going to the cops to turn in a (close friend) for rape? She did what I did after he raped me, Ran Away! Its not her fault hes a f*cker. Its his fault!  :angry:  I have struggled with blaming everyone but him for what he did, I know alot of you have felt the same struggles. Dont blame yourself for taking care of you. I didnt report because I knew likely that I wouldnt be believed, he was my friend, I was drunk, I was a punk young kid with a lot of problems and he was perfect. I didnt report because I knew I would be put on trial and I didnt want that so I didnt turn him in. For me. I did it for me. I got pregnant by him and still didnt say a word. Its been almost 6 yrs and yes I have dealt with feeling guilty about never saying anything, because Ive thought what if he does it again? which is likely am I too blame because I could have stopped it? No because Im not the rapist here, he is :angry: I cant take the fall for his actions that is too heavy of a burden that should never be placed on our shoulders.

WE ARE NOT AT FAULT! WE CANT BE THE BLAME!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn't read all of the other posts but I felt compelled to write a response to the general topic anyway.

I was raped by a stranger at 13. He tortured me for 4 hours and then let me go. I didn't tell anyone for 5 years.

Not a day goes by that I do not worry that he doing the same thing to some other child, stealing someone else's innocence. Because I didn;t remember the rape until about a year after, the statute of limitations has not lapsed on my rape. However I do not know if I could file a report now. I know that the police would have a hard time beleiving me, especially since I have no description of the rapist and all of the physical evidence is gone. Even the scars are finally fading....

Still, I wish now that I had the strength then to report what had happened. I feel weak because I didn;t try to get that animal off of the streets. And what frightens me the most is the fact that I still occasionally have thoughts about how horrible someone must have been to him for him to have that kind of hateful capacity inside.


Amanda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Theoretically, I know that I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions. In practice, even though I told both my parents and school officials about the guy when I was 12-13, nothing was ever done and I feel responsible for what he may be doing now. Truly, I expect to see his name in the news one day as a serial rapist and I will not be able to deal with it. I don't know of anything else I could have done, but I *still* carry that arround. After that, I never bothered reporting because I figured that either I wouln't be believed and nothing would happen, or that whoever I reported would find out and come after me again (as happened with that other guy). I know one of the later guys was also hurting some of my friends. I felt bad that I didn't stop him.

I hate being caught between what I know and what I feel.

Caitlin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
If you were:
medicated

asleep

drunk/under the influence of drugs

a child at the time (under 18)

threatened by the abuser either by way of threatening physical retaliation or denial of a place to live etc

protecting someone or something (a child, relative, friend, pet etc)

You were not responsible for what happened. These are cases where someone in a position of power took that and abused it. **There are many other instances in which you were unable to give consent but these are a few. ***

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It was my cousin, our families are very close and I wouldn't want to tear them apart - he would say it was consensual, and his parents would believe him, while mine would believe me. I told my sister and she told me she wished I hadn't told her and she didn't want to know; she said there was nothing I could do about it so I should just deal with it without messing up our family.

I know I could never get him convicted - I was drunk, and it would be my word against his. Terrible as this sounds, I don't honestly think he would do it again, for various reasons, and so reporting it would be more me out for justice for what he did than concern for other people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I've passed the statute of limitations in FL awhile ago. Not even sure if I can file a report. It's been 7 years. I can only hope he's not doing it to anyone else. If he was, it would just add to the feeling of helplessness brought on by PTSD since at this point there is nothing I can do to stop him (aside from running him over).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
As far as i know, the victim is never responsible for the deeds of someone else.
Society doesn't seem to feel very responsible for the healing of victims.
Why should victims feel responsible to protect society from someone, if society doesn't seem to care anyway?

Besides..... if you report, would that really protect anyone?

Why can't society just find a way to protect people without the use of victims.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Without getting too detailed, I didn't report the ra*es to police. I reported the second to work, since he worked with me, and they did nothing because it didn't take place on work property. One assailant moved out of the country, one lives in another state. I don't know where my CSA abuser lives. The person who abused me at my current place of employment moved out of state.
None of this makes me feel less responsible if they continue to offend. I think I did what I had to do at the time, dealing with the ra*ists and the last perpetrator, just to survive and protect myself in the midst of all the other turmoil in my life.
I still struggle with all of it, I really do.

I don't feel survivors should have the near sole burden of proof as far as prosecution of the assailants.
It should not fill survivors' consciences with guilt and shame for not reporting or pressing charges when it is the perpetrators' decisions and lack of self-control that lead them to offend. Several similar examples come to mind that would involve other types of crimes where the victims are not held socially responsible if the offender repeatedly commits the same crimes.

That's just my experience and opinion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
As I'm having a horrible night...and this topic in a very general way has been weighing very heavily on my mind.

My Abuse goes all the way back to childhood. Does anyone really believe that as a toddler I was responsible for reporting my step/father for beating and raping me. Wasn't it the schools responsibility to see the signs and if they suspected anything to report on my behalf. Why didn't they. I missed more days at school than were allowed. I had to take special classes with a special tutor to make up those lost days in order to have enough "days" in attendance to advance to the next grade level. One year in school, young elementary school, I had to be sent home because I was bleeding, I had bled through my undergarments and then through my jeans. Didn't anyone suspect that something might not be right. I wasn't anywhere near the age of puberty. But no one said anything. When I was 13 and I overdosed at school, someone finally said something. But not about my family...about me...they did bring cps into the situation. A week later on the way to church my father got off on one of his rants telling me what a horrible awful person I was. He pulled over in a deserted park and raped me...and then threw my clothes at me and told me to clean myself up. He took me to church, but he told me to stay in the car...he was going in to tell Tim (the youth minister) that I wasn't the person he thought I was and I didn't deserve to be in the discipleship group. I didn't stay in the car. I ran into the church and hid...I hid under the kitchen sink in the basement...and I just cryed. A Few hours later Barb (Tims wife found me). She called my parents and told them I was safe. She actually picked up the phone and called CPS and report my father. We were sent before family court. I tried to talk...but one look from my father shut me up quickly...I was still punished severly because not only did he have to be there, but because he knew I had considered telling. We left court that day with an order for family counseling. He took me home and violently raped and beat me. I missed the next week of school. I never talked again. When I was 14, I found out I was pregnant. I was sent to live out of state. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 15. No one asked who the father was. He birth certificate says "father unknown"...but no one ever asked. I gave her up for adoption. I never said another word, until after I moved out of my fathers house. At that point I reported my father for physically abusing my sisters. The night before the hearing approached...and I couldn't do it...I overdosed and almost succeeded. But my sister did testify...she was 12...she spoke about the daily beating they received from my father. Absolutely nothing was done. Under the guise of insufficient evidence WTF??? they sent my sisters back home to live with my parents, where she was horribly beaten. She never talked again. Since when is the testimony of a 12 year old girl that she is being abused insufficient evidence.

Does this give any perspective on the whole "Am I guilty if I report idea?" In so many situations, reporting not only doesn't stop the abuse, but angers the abuser and escalates it.

So when I was raped in college, it never even occured to me to report it. I woke up the next morning on the boat out in the middle of the ocean. I had black, blue and purple marks on my neck. Why didn't anyone ask? Or did they all know...and no one wanted to talk about it? As soon as we pulled into port to get fuel, I got off the vessel and refused to get back on. A friend of mine came and got me. He dropped me off at his house. Told me I was free to use the shower and sleep in his bed as he would be spending the night with his girlfriend. I showered, but I didn't sleep. I finally got up and started driving home. I did tell two people that R* has been quite inappropriate and had not wanted to take no for an answer. For me that was as close to reporting as I thought I would ever come. Until the fateful day I found out I was pregnant. I talked to the police, they said the case would be impossible to prove because at this point their was no physical evidence to prove it wasn't conscensual. So I went on with my life. Until he started stalking me. Then I reported and then they caught him. He plead out...no trial...no jail time...3 years probation...3 year restraining order. That was my big success for the hell he put me through. He was fired from his job because he admitted to having sex with me, but claimed it was conscensual. It didn't matter, sex of any sort on DNR vessel in grounds for immediate termination. But did anything I did, stop either of my abusers from continuing to abuse. Nope. I went through all that hell for nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, I did get my protective order. But that didn't protect anyone else. At least getting him fired took him out of the position of being in charge of interns.

I guess I just have a jaded look on our whole justice system. Those who should have reported for me when I was little didn't. And those who did, were for the most part ignored. When I finally reported and my sister testified, nothing was done. And pressing charges against my rapist got him fired and probation.

So it was all for nothing...it accomplished nothing!

Am I responsible if he goes on to rape someone else. No the system that is set up to protect the criminal along with the criminal himself is responsible.

He chose to commit the first crime...if he chooses to rape again...it will be his decision again...and it will be the systems fault for allowing him to go free.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[quote name='Charmed Dancer' post='217451' date='Aug 14 2005, 04:09 AM']Am I responsible if he goes on to rape someone else. No the system that is set up to protect the criminal along with the criminal himself is responsible.[/quote]

I agree with this. I've known over a dozen women in real life over the years who've dealt with rape or CSA, and the only one who went to the police was also the only one who dealt with a stranger rape - and that choice was sort of made for her. the cops got there while she was still unconscious. I admire women who go to the police immensely - whatever the results - but I've never made that choice myself. Well, okay, once where the perp was a stranger, for a minor event (public masturbation combined with sexual harrassment), that I guess in some states is considered SA. But not on the serious stuff.

In terms of the adult events, I did challenge the guys personally - didn't call the events rape but did call them wrong. One guy felt bad from the git go, and called the event a rape before I did; the other one didn't see where he'd done anything wrong so I eventually switched tactics and pointed out that if I got pregnant, wasn't getting an abortion and you better believe I'd be hitting him up for the cash to raise the kid.... Plus I made a big scene, which he hates, and I know it's the first time he pulled that sort of thing so I think the payoff was sour enough he didn't pull it again. :P

I frankly feel if society won't hold these guys responsible - and it pretty much doesn't - it's wrong of anyone to think the person who was raped has a responsibility to do so. We are responsible for our own actions, not theirs.

Sheryl Edited by Shalom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have wondered if I should report it since it happened two months ago. I talked to a couple of people in law enforcement and was told my case was weak. (please see "my story') So I didnt take it any further. I met him online so I wonder who he will find next and what he will do to her. But I can't take responsibility anymore for his actions. I have warned the site where he chats and they said they may ban him, but we all know there are many more messangers and places to chat.
I have gotten a lot of the "but what will he do if you dont report it to someone else" from a friend of mine, and i just keep telling her I DONT KNOW! But he is out of my life and I have all I can do right now to get my life together I can't be thinking about what he may or may not do.
She thinks you report it he goes to jail. If only it were that easy! It is a long drawn out process and in most cases we just get "raped" again by the justice system.

Bottom line we all need to do what we need to do to heal and make ourselves whole again. I refuse to take responsibility for his actions. I had no control over him when he did it to me, so how can I possibly have control over what he does to someone else?

((((pandy members)))) I admire all of you who have pushed the legal process! God knows it takes more strength then I have right now! It takes all of my strength to get out of bed every morning and drag myself into work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Brenda,

I think you are definitely making the right choice for your circumstances, and I encourage you to feel good about what you already HAVE done. You talked to the police and the chatrooms, and now you are doing what you need to do to heal. You have done a lot, and you are right: You can't worry about what he will do anymore. He is the perpetrator, and he made the decision to hurt you. You did what you could to stop him, but stopping is HIS responsibility, not yours.

You can't be on a crusade to take this one guy down without destroying yourself, but you can be an ally to other women and girls who are at risk for experiencing the same thing. As you heal and start putting your life back together, you may find that you want to share your story in the chatrooms and online sites that led you to this guy. Or you might want to write an article for a newspaper or a letter to the editor. The most important thing is that you do what is right for you, and that you remember that even if you do nothing else, you survived and are continually healing. And that is *something*...a BIG something.

You are totally right to stand up for yourself. None of this is your fault, and that as*hole's future crimes are wholly, 100%, without a doubt HIS fault and have nothing to do with you. You are also entitled to tell your friend that you need to keep on living, and internalizing guilt about possible attacks on other women is going to kill you. You have done what you can, and it is more than enough. Be proud of yourself.

Take care,
LM
P.S. I am someone who took my r*pist to court and I won, but I can tell you that is was at least twice as traumatic as the r*pe itself. My r*pist got 12 years and will serve 7, and I feel great that he is off the streets. I also know that if I hadn't had tons of support, a loving boyfriend, victim's compensation funds, amazing detectives and lawyers and a stellar group of advocates I wouldn't have gotten past the first step in the process. It takes a LOT of people to pull off a successful prosecution, and even then it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. I had DNA evidence, phsycial markings, he was a stranger, and I had an amazingly clear statement to the police...it was a perfect case, and it was STILL close. Would I do it again? To be honest, I'm simply not sure. And that is tough to admit. I have more flashbacks of the trial and sentencing than I do of the r*pe itself.

*Edited for spelling!* Edited by LemonMeringue

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn't report it. If I did it wouldn't make a difference. My father, he is considered well respected, well liked, and has a strong tie to the community. I, on the other hand, am the crazy. What would they do with a claim that 10 to 15 years ago my father molested me, and then I just forgot it? My own mother doesn't believe it happened- says there weren't any signs, says it's not in my father's personality. My mother, the same woman who was also sexually assaulted by her father. There isn't finite evidence, there are only words and images....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Anyone who reports what has happen to them, I think that they are very brave and wonderful.

I can't. I won't. I know it is selfish of me. I know I am the way that I am because of it. I'm not denying that things have happen to me. They are nasty. I can still smell some of them sometimes. I'm thinking about me. I just have to think about me.

I'm so sorry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn't report it.

I ran across his myspace the other day. (He is friends with a friend of one of my friends- small world!)

He's 30 now. I see all the girls so much younger than him (even under 18) on his friends list and want to save them all. But they probably wouldn't believe me and I'm terrified that they'll tell him.

I try not to look at it but I can't help it. I'm scared that he'll find mine (if he hasn't already) but I don't want to let him control my life with fear anymore.

Have any of you found out that your rapist is friends with people you know (and they weren't before)?

I feel like my whole world is closing in on me. People that weren't connected before are now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
no, you are in no way responsible. yes, your reporting could [i]possibly[/i] have prevented the attacker from attacking again, but that doesn't mean you are responsible. you are the victim and should not ever be made to feel like the perpetrator. i didn't report it when i was raped, out of fear and out of wanting to forget that it happened, and i was so pissed and hurt on the few occassions when a person gave me the whole "don't you care that he might attack someone else" lecture.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi,

I've only just found this topic and I'm glad I did because it's something I've thought about a lot. The main reason I reported what happened to me was because I was scared he'd do it to someone else. At least then I'd have done everything I thought I could do to stop it from happening again. If I ever found out he'd done it again, I'd feel awful and guilty, but that's not fair. I'd feel so bad for the girl but guilty? Isn't that how he should feel?

I don't see how it could ever be the victim's fault if their perpetrator went on to do it to someone else. You can't be blamed for the actions of someone else. It's the blame and fault of the rapist only. Noone should feel forced to report it if they don't want to.

It seems to be a fault with society that there is so much victim blame. I just don't get it!!

Charley xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites