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When asked:  Why didn't you fight harder

107 posts in this topic

(((((((((((((((((Maaike)))))))))))))))

My T did the same thing to me today...You are sooooo brave for just having walked out!!!
And yep, she managed to make me feel guilty again...but hey stupid questions like that don't say anything about *us*...only about the enormous stupidity of people.
I think we should start a pandy fund for providing brains to some people who obviously need them

Art

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T for swearing

Maaike, your T is not worth a knob of goat-shit, mate. I'm sorry you had to hear that in; fact I'm sorry anybody has to.

At this stage of my healing I've learned to understand properly that I don't have to justify myself; people either believe me or they don't. If they don't they can fuck off. But....questions or inferences like that still find a home in that part of [i]me[/i] that revives itself now and then and asks me why I didn't resist more strenuously.

Since you are my sisters and have posed the question in a different sense to ignorant assholes, once I discontinued the fight because I knew he would beat on me severely, and because I had a sleeping child in the room. I needed to survive. The two times I fought strenuously, he actually did beat shit out of me. But what is this fighting shit anyway? Indicators that you don't want it and continued activity from him states clearly that he had every intention of getting what he wanted.

How would I answer people? It would depend who was asking and how. Some ignoramus full of flatulent rape-myths who has no intention of learning anything would be told that I have nothing to justify to them. Or to go and take a flying fuck at him/herself.

If it was posed in terms of a genuine desire to know what can prevent a person from fighting back (but had nothing to do with unkindness or rewounding) I'd be happy to do business with them.

(((((((((((Sisters))))))))))))) I'm glad you've survived.

Love

Lou xxxxxx

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#Moderation Mode

This thread has been moved to 'wonderful threads' which is open to the public. If any of the posters in here would like their post deleted because of this, please let me know.

You can of course edit anything you don't wish to be in the public domain.

Thanks
Emma

[url="http://www.welcometobarbados.org/CGI-BIN/ikonboard/topic.cgi?forum=9&topic=37"]Moved here[/url]

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i haven't been faced with that situation.  no one has questioned me, but if they did, i wouldn't respond.  it's nobody's buisness why i did or did not do something.  it was my own personal choice, and i chose to stay around for my family.  who knows if they would have went through with their threats to hurt me or my kids.

i believe that you did nothing wrong, and that you made the best choice.  you don't need to remember to have a reason.  your here still, you survived, whatever you had to do that is the best decision you could have made.

when people make rude comments, or ask you why you didn't fight harder, i honestly believe that those are the people who wouldn't be able to take what you went through.  you're stronger than them. remind them that they have no room to talk, and until they're in the situation, God forbid, they cannot judge.

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Yup.  I remember being asked the "why didn't you fight" question, by one of my best friends.  At the time, I didn't know what to answer.  Silence. She went on to say, "why didn't you kick him? why didn't you just bite the crap out of him?  Why didn't you scream for help? Do something?  I know I would've fought like ####."...well, I thought, I didn't do anything.  I just took it, and pleaded and cried, and hoped that it would be over soon, "please God make him stop." I did scream and try to get away, but I was terrified.  He had beaten the crap out of me and even bit my face!  He was out of control! Yeah, I guess I'm a coward."....
This question tore at my heart, it ripped it apart.  And I started to believe I was a coward, that I was to blame and must've deserved it for not fighting.  I hated myself for not fighting back.  I thought I needed to punish myself so God could see the pain inside of me.  I started cutting.  The anger that was drowing the life out of me had to get out somehow.  Cutting seemed to be a good solution. Yeah right, it only made my pain worse. (for those of you now doing it, I beg you to STOP!...for those of you thinking of starting, please DON'T!)  I don't cut anymore. I happend to have found a good friend who did care.  He re-assured me that it wasn't my fault.  I forgave my friend for her ignorant question.  It's so true that unless you have been there, you have no freaking clue.  By the way, that friend of mine called me a short time later.  She told me that she and her hubby were playing around, just wrestling and stuff, and he playfully pinned her down and wouldn't let her go.  He had total control of her...... she said she remembered me then, and what she said to me....and she freaked.  She realized that had he been trying to hurt her, she would not be able to do a #### thing....hmmmm.

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I was asked that the other day, my mom asked, she looked at me with such disgust. I didnt really know how to answer her...i guess i was just scared..

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The answers in this thread are wonderful.  I would like to add one more response:

Why is it that trained and heavily armed soldiers, who are surrounded by thousands of fellow men who ARE fighting and who are defending their countries and their best buddies will go into shell shock and not fight at all in the middle of critical battles?  Why didn't THEY fight harder?

You could even add that 60% of the British casualties in WW I were shell shock victims, not men who were physically injured.  It happens a lot.

And I want to emphasize that I am not criticizing those soldiers.  The military recognizes PTSD as one of the major consequences of any battle.  (They keep these traumatized soldiers away from the press, but just visit a veteran's hospital sometime.)  Extreme fear can lead to trauma, and even people whose entire job is to fight sometimes don't do so.  Its not their fault.  And if someone who is not an armed and trained soldier is attacked without warning, the odds for freezing/PTSD naturally go way up.  

Its no one's fault if it happens to them.  It is a survival mechanism.  In the right circumstances, almost anyone could have a similar traumatized reaction.

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I think this is a pretty important thread, so I'm boosting...

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I think its just a plain unfair question to ask, you dont know how the r*pist is going to react, fighting back may discourage and scare away a lot but would not work for others.

i wish i hadn't fought back.  i believe it was a lot more violent and humiliating becuase i fought back and i thought he was going to stop until i started then he got more violent, i donnoi  dont think anyone has the right to ask that though

(((((everyone))))
Rachel

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I haven't answered this before, I've read it, I've been asked more times than I can count.

Why didn't I fight harder?

Self preservation.

Blinded fear.

The realization that I could not overpower him, I fought him for years and have scars to prove he's stronger than me.

Laney

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*CAUTION - MAY TRIGGER*

A therapist asked you that?  That's gotta suck.  Luckily, I've never had a therapist cross that line.  But the fucking police!  I want to kill them.  This (police) man sat next to me in my own goddamn dorm roon, just the two of us with his fucking lap full of pictures of parts of me that no one sees but my shower curtain and he said "why did you do this?"  Fuck you.  If "I" did that would you honestly be sitting in my dorm right now?  Why didn't I fight back?  Not even fight "harder," I didn't fight at all.  And believe me, I hear the question every day from those #### voices in my head.  Fucking police! I hate them so much.  They were always men.  "But you could have requested a woman..."  Yeah, do I look like the type to stand up for myself and assert my interests?  Do I look like the type of girl who would say, um I really don't feel comfortable being in this confined space alone with you, being as how you weigh at least twice as much as I do, and if you poked me I'd fall down.  Obviously if that was the case I wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place.  AARGH!!!

Sorry.  But I do feel a little better now.

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I wonder whether these ignorant people would ask the same question if we'd been mugged or the victims of armed robbery.

I used to justify it. There were nine altogether and only one of me. What hope did I have? I'm not some tough-bitch sumo wrestler. I could have been hurt worse etc etc.

It's all true, but it's all irrelevant. There should have been no need to fight, because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. But that fact seems to escape some people.

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My response to those who ask the stupid arse question Why didnt you fight harder....
Have you ever been raped? Do you know what it feels like to have your self respect, your dignity and yourself taken from you in a split second? Do you? Oh you dont, well shut the fuck up then ok.
 
1 person likes this

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**T** anger and language

Well, when I was little it was bc....I was little. And my innocent child's heart wanted so desperately to trust and to be loved. Why would I fight someone who wanted to 'love' me? Yes, it sounds twisted, but in the mind of a child...

And as for the later incidents, I DID fight. I screamed and tried to get away and you know what? Nobody came to my rescue and the men made it hurt so much more. And get this, it turned them on that I resisted. They made it last longer because of it. And I'm still fighting them. Every second of every day I fight to get out of bed, to be a good mom, to be a good girlfriend, daughter, woman, person! I fight for my sanity every fucking day. I dare anyone to question me or my motives. The day I stop fighting is the day those assholes win and my life crumbles. Not happening. Not if I have anything to say about it.

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          (((Crystal)))
To you first reply, the fourth reply in the topic, I love it. That is so how I feel. I couldn't put it any better! So many people came to me with both sides of it. One supposed friend of mine actually blamed me and told me I was stupid for getting raped because I'd been through it before and should have known better. Then, she had the nerve to tell me a story about herself almost being forced to do something she didn't want to do, but she fought as hard as she could and got away because she wanted to get away, I didn't. That's why I didn't fight hard enough - well in her eyes. I thought I was fighting hard enough. Whether I did or didn't, he got the idea that I didn't want to have sex.
Also, when I blame myself, I have a few good friends who reassure me that I might not of had any other choice. They said the exact words you said Crystal, would fighting or fighting harder made it any easier or safer for me? I did what I had to do to get through that period and I thank God that I have them to understand that. Deep down inside of my heart, I don't blame myself and it feels good for a friend to believe with me.

QuaDizzle

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I answer with two simple words - f*ck you!  And trust me, it definitely gets a reaction...

Lisa

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Olny one person ever asked me that.......there was a girl that was a cheerleader and they hang out with me and my sis even though she is the cheer leader and she said to me....."Why didnt you fight harder...?" and I told her that i perfered living to dying from being stabbed or shot to death and that was the end of that...the thing that made me feel better that day was when we got home and my sister told me i probibaly fight harder than all the boys at my school.

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P.S. They just had tryouts for next years cheering squad (they have to do it early cuze tehy need to help the varsity rls try to get to nationals by being their backups) and hte aformentioned cheerleader did not make the squad because my sister who is on of this years Tri-Captians  and the other girls picking (all my friends) didnt like the way she treated me, and other people.

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**T** for language

I've never been asked "why didn't you fight harder", but I have been asked, "did you fight?" by two people who have been and are very supportive, my cousin and my sister.  Both of them are also survivors of rape, though they handle their healing differently than I do.
Since their questions were motivated more from a desire to know what happened than from blaming me, I replied this way.
"Yes, I did fight, but when there are six of them and only one of you, fighting doesn't do much to stop them."
Both of them accepted that.
My mother, however, is a somewhat different story.  She doesn't know about the sexual assault, but she does know about the preceding abuse -- and when I told her that these boys were touching me, she said, "why don't you hit them, why don't you fight them, you could make them stop if you tried."
Duh, mom.  You're right, you must be -- I've been struggling and hitting them, but I must not be doing it the right way.  Hello, I'm thirteen, there are six of them, and they're strong -- but it must be my fucking fault.
#######.
Sorry for the strong words, but you can see that I still have problems with my mother on this score.
Take care,
Amy

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"Why didn't I fight harder?"

The question for me stands why didnt you fight?

I didnt know what was going on, it was my first. I  knew that it wasnt right, though. I should have atleast pulled away...i didnt. I was gone, disappeared from that moment on.

I wish i was who i am now reversed to who i was then, i do. Sadly one cant go back..

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The worst of all rape questions... why didn't you fight?  

When people used to ask me that question I'd say because I figured if I didn't fight it wasn't really rape.  Another one of the pathetic things we say to compansate for things beyond our control.

To me now though even answering that question is about as useful as responding to something like "Why would you want to be raped?"  Things will always remain the same at this point no matter what you could have done.  The point is it happend and your here to heal.

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I have been asked this a billion times - I woudl have liked to have seem a bit more struggle, why didn't you do something etc..  I have no answer - if there was an answer I would have done it and I wouldnt be here I guess.  I like what someone said before on this thread - have you been raped? no? then fuck off.

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"Did you fight?"
"Did you scream?"
"Why didn't you fight harder?"

I have only heard these things a couple of times, but was shocked as #### to hear them at all.  The first time someone asked, I just broke down in tears because it sounded like they were blaming me (I don't even care now whether they actually were or not).  The second time I heard this question, I was angry and responded a la "Dear Abby": "yes, I fought and I screamed... right up until he stuck that sharp f*cking knife into my ribs, cut my stomach, and threatened to slit my throat..."

No response from the idiot who asked the question.

Lora


(Edited by whatsleftoflora at 5:25 pm on June 6, 2003)

(Edited by whatsleftoflora at 7:35 am on July 30, 2003)

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april,
i loved what rainbowsedge and crystal had to say.
"NO" means "NO"!!!!!
you said "NO"! that was enough of a fight in it's self.
after you said "NO" twice, he took and stole and hurt you and did with you what he did. it wasn't your fault. don't let ANYONE put thoughts of doubt of yourself in your mind- including grandma.
you said "NO"!
you said "NO"!
that's what you meant.
hugs and love to you- girl.

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i say: because i was scared.
and that's really all there is to it for me.

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