When asked: Why didn't you fight harder

[kayxrory]

i have been blessed so far with not being asked any such question- mainly cuz i keep my experiences to myself (unhealthy i know) I think people who ask these types of questions need a reality check. Things are easier said than done and when stuff like this happens people never react the way they would like to.

I think everyone here is so brave. Don't let these people get you down, because in the end the question is just silly...

[Etheris]

"I was a child. You're an adult, and a good razorblading would probably take the fight out of you, too. Would you like to test that?"

Edited November 28, 2010 by Etheris

[gospel of lilith]

-trigger warning-

"I was drugged. You try to push a man off you when you're passing in and out of consciousness and black out every time you try to sit up."

[Lisamarie2011]

Mine wasn't "why didn't you fight harder?" but one friend asked "Why didn't you leave?" This has plagued me, and I think when a 'friend' says this it makes a person feel like they think it is your fault for not trying harder. What they don't realize is that the situation has no element of control to it, no matter what we have all tried to do it did not work, it still happened, rendering us out of control with the situation. People who have not experienced it don't understand it, they too want to feel like there is control of the situation. I think they are in denial as well, cus they don't want to believe that there is nothing that could be done. Survivors know, but I think we can also have a plan and be safe, but that is about all that we can do. Like my plan is I have the police station on my cell phone contact list, Try to have friends with me if I go out to a bar, etc. It's wierd to me that even sometimes our closest friends still have the tendency to blame us even though the blame is on the person who did it, why is it so hard to see? Even for us ourselves, we blame ourselves. why do we do this?

[78Phoenix]

When I tell people that I have been attacked, they seem to wonder why I wasn't 'ready' for it.

I hear people talking about how they would handle a life-or-death confrontation and it just makes me laugh a little to myself.

I know first hand that the one who attacks you isn't necessarily the creepy guy lurking in the dark alley.

For me, he was a man in a suit interviewing me for a job. I managed to get away from him in time. Years later, I was raped by a clean-cut, good-looking man in an expensive car who offered me a ride home in a bad neighborhood.

I lived in a bad, bad neighborhood, but it wasn't some stereotypical, shady character who attacked me. It was a man who knew I wouldn't suspect him. He played a part. He betrayed me, and he did it quickly, when I least expected it.

You don't walk around your office with brass knuckles. You aren't vigilant in a crowded, yuppie-filled bar in a nice neighborhood. It's ridiculous that these other people (and I, at one time) believe that they can be prepared for something like this. God, I wish that we could have all been victorious over our attackers and outsmarted them.

So what do we do? What CAN we do? Keep living, keep coping, carrying on, and hoping that the nice people that we meet really are what they seem to be.

I have looked evil in the face - and it looks like everyone else.

[Lisamarie2011]

well said Phoenix.

[jlove4491]

I was scared, I just completely froze up.

[JacquiLeigh]

I was a child. Enough said.

[unshattered_dreams]

i was scared to test him, id gotten in trouble before by trying to defend myself, i figured everyone, everytime would be the same. i froze.

[crispapple]

I hate this question. My answer is never good enough.

[nothingleftbut_truth]

Mine wasn't "why didn't you fight harder?" but one friend asked "Why didn't you leave?" This has plagued me, and I think when a 'friend' says this it makes a person feel like they think it is your fault for not trying harder. What they don't realize is that the situation has no element of control to it, no matter what we have all tried to do it did not work, it still happened, rendering us out of control with the situation. People who have not experienced it don't understand it, they too want to feel like there is control of the situation. I think they are in denial as well, cus they don't want to believe that there is nothing that could be done. Survivors know, but I think we can also have a plan and be safe, but that is about all that we can do. Like my plan is I have the police station on my cell phone contact list, Try to have friends with me if I go out to a bar, etc. It's wierd to me that even sometimes our closest friends still have the tendency to blame us even though the blame is on the person who did it, why is it so hard to see? Even for us ourselves, we blame ourselves. why do we do this?

I agree with this so much. I haven't really been asked this yet, fortunately, but I have had a "friend" who told me she wouldn't have stayed if she were in the same situation and basically acting like I'm stupid. Meanwhile, I'm thinking "Shut up, you don't know until you're IN the situation."

[janedoeissoconfused]

what pisses me off is like well let's see I had 2 against 1. How the FUCK am I suppose to fight back not knowing how to get someone to find where I'm at? Yeah let me spook them so they can finish the job. Come on people think!!! They knew what they were doing was wrong.

[Meggy]

I fought back and received awful injuries for my effort. I also ended up being punched unconscious after spitting one offender's semen back in his face. Maybe I just didn't fight hard enough. Two against one isn't fair.

The second time was in retaliation for reporting the first. I froze and zoned out or did what I had to do to get through it. The sum of my injuries amounted to a few small bruises on my bicep.

Why is it that during crimes like robbery people are advised to give in to any demand and not fight back but the moment the crime is sex based the opposite applies?

[mayt]

We live in a world where violence is rampant. We see things happening on tv. We hear about it in the news. But until we are placed in that situation, we honestly do not know what we're saying. I once believed that if anything of the sort were to happen, I would be able to defend myseld. Now I know it's different. Now, I tell everyone that until they are thrown into a certain situation, they will never know what to do. People always think they're prepared for the worse but they have no idea what they are saying.

I know why I didn't fight back. I wish people could understand that until they are thrown into a certain situation, they will never be ready.

[Steve]

I am the one who mostly asks myself that question.

Why didn't I fight harder?

why didn't I just throw 1 more punch?

Why didn't I use my martial arts skills on them?

Why did I just give in and let them do what they wanted most of the time?

The answers that I have found and am still struggling with are.

I fought back as hard as I could.

There were minimum 5 of them, all bigger and stronger.

They often had weapons of some sort.

When I fought back, I stopped when I was overpowered and physically restrained or laying on the ground loosing consciousness.

When I just did what they told me to it was usually because I had been bashed daily for a week for refusing to do it and I was exhausted and sore.

I didn't use my martial arts because I did once. I threw 1 of them and hurt him badly. from then on they only used weapons and wouldn't get close enough until they had softened me up a bit.

[Buddhas_heart]

I wish I had your gusto Steve even one hit would've made me feel better about myself. I feel guilt every day as of hitting him and giving him what we call our all, that I wouldn't be in this situation. But I didn't. I need to face the fact that I didn't because I was too terrified to move Id always assumed that that never happened in real life but it does. Here's to healing and the strength of a strong support system!

[Roaring_Gryphon]

No one's ever asked me this.

However, I've constantly demanded this of myself for the longest and here are the answers I give myself:

1. If I had done so the first time, the suffering I endured from the perps would have been far more severe

2. The first time made me feel undeserving or incapable of resisting the other times.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Roaring_Gryphon

[TrishaTeo]

No one ever asked me this question too...

For me, I was totally drunk and I didn't even have any chance at all...

But if I wasn't, honestly, I really don't know how I would have reacted...

So I think my answer would be "What do you know? Have you been through it?"

Edited November 29, 2012 by TrishaTeo

[Growler]

i think this is a question i asked myself. but they would get so violent when i fought back.

my wife made me feel better when i told her this was how i felt. she said 'laurie you could either do it or do it with a broken jaw. you did nothing wrong'

i love her

[tinyrabbit]

If I thought the person asking would listen, my full answer would be: I have spent most of my life in a state of learned helplessness. As a child, I learned to accept and tolerate whatever happened without question. Why didn't I leave my ex despite what he did to me for years and years? Because he said he would harm himself and it would be my fault. Because my childhood taught me I was worthless and shouldn't defend myself.

But the short answer is: don't you think I would have stopped it if I could have, if I knew how?

[lucy]

But the short answer is: don't you think I would have stopped it if I could have, if I knew how?

I totally agree tinyrabbit, I think that this is what some people don't seem to understand and this ignorance is what can make healing more difficult

Lucy x

[Bamama]

My response to those who ask the stupid arse question Why didnt you fight harder....

Have you ever been raped? Do you know what it feels like to have your self respect, your dignity and yourself taken from you in a split second? Do you? Oh you dont, well shut the fuck up then ok.

 

Agreed.

I don't say 'fuck' that often, but I would say it to anyone who would say that.

[Butterfly13]

I think it is also a question I would ask myself - lucky me no one else asked me that question until now.

But if one would say it I would say: "this is the wrong question. You should ask him why he violated me, you should ask him why he did it"

[wildnfree]

I hate this question...ugh haven't been asked it directly but was asked something similar to it. The thing that hurts is that I did fight back...but not hard enough. Sometimes I screamed, bit, scratch and crie to get away from my ex and it still didn't work. Other times I'd be frozen, scared and couldn't say a word.

If I could've gotten away during the r*pes, I would've. There were so many times I wished one of his neighbors would knock on the door to distract him or someone would hear me crying and help me or call the police...I'm just glad it's over now.

[aleyn1975]

What a silly question to ask a survivor. Like rapists walk up to their intended victims, square up, and say I'm going to rape you and wait for you to get in the first punch. I'm the father of three beautiful girls who were all raped multiple times before getting through the 11th grade...in a private school. They were sent to Krav maga classes and learned a bit of self defense. Two were raped after those classes. To be fair to their instructor they stopped going after a month but that doesn't really matter. Knowing how to hurt another person doesn't mean you can. To my shame I did ask them this horrible question in a way. I said, "Whatever that scumbag did was not your fault. Why were you unable to defend yourself?" Their replies ranged from "I still cared about him", "he was my best friends brother" to "I don't know, I just froze."

I taught Krav Maga for self defense as an assistant instructor for a while after what happened to my daughters. Learning to throw punches and kicks is far different from learning how to fight. Learning how to fight in a controlled environment is far different from being attacked in the street, and being attacked in the street (as shocking as that is) is far less shocking than being attacked by someone you know and trust. You will never know until it happens. I will tell my students that not fighting is a perfectly natural documented self defense strategy. Guys don't seem to get this and some women even who have not had the full power and rage of a man turned on them. Best bear defense? Play dead. We always hear about fight verses flight but never the freeze effect. Sympathetic nervous system takes over in moments of great stress. "Tonic immobility" is a common and valid form of self defense. It's kind of like your hindbrain taking over and saying play dead and lets think of something else. To see some great examples of this just watch an episode of scared straight. You see these hard ass kids saying no i'll fight if they get in my face but when that inmate outweighs you with obvious muscle by 100 lbs you end up combing his chest hair in front of everyone.

I'm of two minds about fighting back. I say yes you can learn ways to physically and violently defend yourselves. It will cost money and time though no more than a gym membership. But that doesn't mean it will prevent someone from attacking you or that you will be able to fight them off. I know for a fact that most women have enough strength to disable a strong man but what does that mean really?

I live in TX where lethal force is authorized to "prevent rape or aggravated rape". Just cause one has the strength to use a weapon on another person does not mean they will be able to. My instructor had me tapping out and in a breathless panic when he had me on the ground for the first time. He just layed on me. Seriously that's all he did was keep me from pushing him off and I gave up in like 40 seconds. I outweighed him by 20 lbs. I was ready to give up on the whole class and remember I started cause my daughters were raped. To say I had rage issues and uber motivation is an understatement. Also I'm a man. I was encouraged to be physically violent with others (football and other sports not to mention fight or you're a sissy).

To get to the point: how can people expect women to succeed in fighting off a man who typically has 40 percent more muscle mass and denser bones (read more able to dish out damage and more able to resist injury)? Throw in that the man will typically have had more violent encounters and what chance do they expect her to have? Don't ever blame yourselves for what happened and don't feel bad about second guessing yourselves. You're still human and this is how humans learn. When bad stuff happens we look back and seek what we could have done to change it. Perfectly natural and healthy...as long as blame is not attached. You can hold onto responsibility for your actions but you should never take responsibility for your attacker's actions. I personally believe, and I told my daughters so, that a woman should be able to walk naked down a dark ally in the dead of night without worrying about being accosted. No matter what potentially dangerous or risky situation they find themselves in they still deserve to be treated like they are cherished, not owned or obligated. Let me end by saying it is absolutely possible for women to learn effective self defense. For survivors I recommend programs specifically for survivors. The best ones will provide a number of options to choose from which physical altercation will be only one option.