Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Guest Jasmine 8104

Uncovering a truth

43 posts in this topic

Cherry

I just want to echo your sentiments about what society can do. Only my butt ain't bony!

;)

L xxxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This thread is so great!!  Is there any chance we can move it to the wonderful threads section?

::blinks big cute eyes at the mods::

Pleeeeeeeease?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree with everybody posting that this is a societal problem. I think it's the flipside of the (also wrong, but less obviously bad) attitude that "a good woman can save a bad man" (which is all over the place in movies and songs and stories). We're supposed to be somehow responsible for their morality. Lots of people still think women are more moral than men, which makes me angry. That just lets guys who are jerks off the hook. It's also unfair to all the great guys out there who are stand-up guys who'd never hurt anybody.

It's not their fault because we're so pretty they can't help themselves? Please. I am pretty all the time and most men do not rape me. So that excuse just won't wash. The guys who "can't control themselves" AREN'T TRYING.

I agree with the poster who said she gets dressed in sexy clothing anyway. I do this too. I usually dress up in the context of going to bars to dance with friends. I've noticed that when I wear jeans and a sloppy t-shirt I get about the same amount of bad attention as when I wear something skintight and sexy. So I don't see the point in trying to hide my body anymore.

I refuse to allow my past to control how I feel about my body. I am not ashamed of being a woman. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey Shell,

I can relate to the why would he want me thing.  I have that.  And the guy that did it to me licked my eyebrows--as wierd as that is and I have had that problem with feeling gross cuz of it, so you have helped me a great deal in coming forward with that detail and I thank you.  c you in chat.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i relate very much to cherry blossom's post... i have been told i have MORE responsibility to be careful because i am beautiful. what the F is that??? what sucks is that even though i dont' want it to be true, i don't want to believe it, i often feel it is true. :(  my rapists saw me as a challenge, some thing to overcome - a pretty girl with an attitude - and made me feel ugly inside, took away my attitude. well, i'm starting to feel truly beautiful again and my real attitude (not the tough-girl defense mechanism) is surfacing again, slowly but surely. it's sad that i avoid eye contact and don't smile at people b/c i don't want them to think i'm inviting their leers or comments. but i'd rather have them think i'm a bitch then let them think in their twisted little tiny minds that i want them.

yes, society sucks. we as a human race have a long way to go. but we have to start somewhere, don't we? we might not change the whole world ourselves, but i'm hoping that eventually our voices will count.

everything else i could possibly want to say, has already been said here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have avoided replying to this thread since I first read it, because it has stirred up something that I can't really name and that I have no words to express...

I think this will just turn into a long confusing ramble because I will try to get some of the random things out that are floating in my head.

I've never seen myself as beautiful, but other people -men- definitely have...and of course I had my share of stupid comments, random touching by strangers, once even a man offering money to sleep with him (I must have been about 13 then)
It was annoying, uncomfortable and kinda scary sometimes, but in a weird way I took it as a compliment then...

In the beginning of my abusive relationship, my ex would often comment on how beautiful and irresistible I was and how he was going crazy because he could not do what he wanted with me in order to pressure me into things....with time it changed...he knew my weak points...he knew i didn't feel attractive, he knew I had problems with my weight and he used that against me...giving me the impression that I was so ugly I could be glad I got a guy's attention at all...which pretty much sent me into the "why would anyone want to do this to someone like me" thoughts too.
(I feel horriblw for this, but think I need to share it...after I broke up with him it actually felt *good* to see that his new girlfriend was overweight and that in spite of all the times he told me I was ugly i was prettier than the girl he was with then...it's a sickening thought...)
I've been on both sides of this and today I know that it is crap...it didn't even matter how I looked, the problem about the abuse was *him* being an abusive bastard!

Another thought...for years I have not dared to wear anything sexy...I wore long jeans and oversized shirts all year...when I was 18 I finally discovered tight and "revealing" shirts and short skirts...and there was no difference in being teased and touched or whatever.
XXL shirts did not hide or protect me from that, and while I'm feeling uncomfortable again right now when I wear sexy clothes (does it ever happen to you that you are dressed sexy and think "if I was raped now, how would that look? wouldn't eople think I was asking for this?"), I know that it doesn't really matter what I wear.

In fact, I have made the experience that it depends a lot on *how* you wear your clothes...how you present yourself. I have made the experience that when people see that I am uncomfortable/nervous/not confident/... I are more likely to get nasty comments etc...in fact, last summer when I celebrated my new body image, when I dressed in very revealing clothes, I would get the stares etc but i would *not* get in really uncomfortable situations...because from the way I moved, talked, behaved... I looked like "don't mess with me"
I think -at least for me- it is more about an inner strength than about beauty, if people sense the victim part in me, it doesn't matter how I look, they will treat me like crap.

Last summer I have learned to like to dress sexy from time to time, to wear make-up...just for me! I like looking good and i *know* that how I look is not an indicator for how I am being treated by men...but recently i get caught a lot in this trap again and I try to be invisible...without success though.

I am not sure if I made sense, I'll just hit submit without rereading it now.

Art

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I know this is an old post, but I'm kind of wandering around the board and I saw this. I mean....wow....this is exactly what I've been dealing with. Just like my eating disorders from before. I don't tell anyone about it because I'm not really thin. In fact, I'm a big girl. But I don't like to talk about what has happened in my life because I'm not pretty and I'm so afraid someone is going to call me a liar because of it. I am just really glad that I found this thread and I'm glad I'm posting so it boosts it because maybe it will help a lot of people who don't have time to wander the board like I do tonight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I've put off replying to this thread for a lot of reasons, but when I re-read it tonight, I found that I'm ready.  I think.
Before I was sexually assaulted when I was thirteen, I lost a lot of weight -- almost forty pounds.  Before then, I was teased and tormented about the extra pounds.  One of the boys who hurt me later on used to call me "sow" (you have no idea how much it hurts to write that).  So I lost the weight, I went back to school much thinner than before, and feeling pretty for the first time in a loooong time.  On the first day of school, one of my classmates caught me walking alone down the hall and shoved his hand between my legs.
It goes on like this -- instead of the taunts and teasing about being overweight, I was groped and touched.  My teacher told me I should be flattered by their attention.  For a long time, I tried to deal with what I did remember of that year's worth of sexual abuse as a compliment -- they thought I was pretty, so what they did couldn't be bad.  Right?
Wrong.
Wrong wrong wrong.
It sickens me to think about it, how I tried to deal with it all as flattery, when in reality it was just another way to put me down, just like the ugly names and taunts.  Trying to bring me down to their level, to keep me somewhere beneath them.  
I know now that it had nothing to do with the way I looked.  It would have been abuse, one way or the other.  They would have treated me the same.  But I wasted so many years in hating myself, the way I looked -- staying overweight to stay safe, thinking that it protected me.  Losing the weight occasionally and then being so frightened, completely convinced that every second I spent thin was a second I spent in mortal danger.  If I bear any hatred at all, it's for the time I've wasted and what I've done to my health because of them.
Grrrrr.
Amy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
((((((((((Amy)))))))))))))

"Sow"...how dreadful for you, my lovely friend (what's his address so I can break his fucking neck - that goddamn irresponsible and stupid teacher too), and how typical, I must say, of somebody who would then try to devalue a girl with sexual violence.

It can be very enraging to recognize years wasted subscribing to myths and lies, darling.

((((((Hugs))))) Amy, I think exploring issues of loks and sexual violence is a key turning point in healing, but it dies hard.

I'm glad you were able to write this love.

You're a wonderful, beautiful woman and it makes me mad to think about what society does to girls.

Love

Lou xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(((((((Lou))))))))
Thank you for your anger.  Nobody else ever gave a fuck.
Love,
Amy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
After reading some recent posts, I realized that I haven't made ANY progress in this area. At 34 years old, I STILL think that everyone I tell would think "WHY in the world would that happen to YOU?"

It was said to my face by a girl who had a crush on the guy who tried to rape me. It is still in my head. I don't think I will ever tell anyone else in my life because I am sure that is what they will think as well. I even wonder if people HERE think it (I know that is crazy but I think it after putting my picture up).

Dammit! I guess I have to work on this.

I need to rememeber

PRETTY PEOPLE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE HURT!
IT ISN'T OK FOR SOMEONE TO HURT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PRETTY!
YOU SHOULD BE BELIEVED EVEN IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A SUPERMODEL!
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HURT!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
((((Shell))))

First off, I've seen your picture and I see a beautiful woman.

Second,  yes, it happens to women of all looks.  I'm sure you've seen my picture.  And I think we can all agree that the chances are zero of me being called pretty or any other physical compliment.

But you are right, nobody deserves to be hurt because of how they look.  Of course I tend to go the opposite way and say that maybe if I was pretty, then he would have cared for and respected me enough not to hurt me.  I don't know.  I'm tired and making little sense.

Just know that I believe you and love you.

Cathy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
((((((((shell))))))))
((((((((cathy)))))))))


for what its worth, ive seen both of your pictures and i think you are both beautiful


Mary

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
that was one of his reasons for what he did to me, that i was beautiful. i knew men found me beautiful from the way they would talk and act to me, i guess that's my problem, that because i'm beautiful (which we can all honestly say) it was my fault, and i deserve it. i know better now.

love u all

together, we ARE stronger

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi there,

You know what? I've been attacked for "being ugly". I've been attacked for "being too pretty". I've been attacked for being the wrong religion, having the wrong accent, being too smart, being too dumb. I've been attacked for being too open and honest, for wearing too many clothes, for having a bad reputation, for having a good reputation. I've been attacked when wealthy, and approached when poor, attacked when prudy, and again when mischevious.

It does not matter. No one should ever get attacked. Its not about sex or beauty or lack of.

And people don't listen when a person is ugly, and they blame when someone is pretty. They LISTEN when someone has money, but not when they are poor. That is my experience. It's just appearances and our society has prejudice. Its all projections and has absolutely nothing to do with the person being attacked. Again, No one should be attacked for any reason, no  matter what they are like or wear or how they behave.

It is never ever the person attacked's fault. Ever! Do you hear me???? It is never your fault.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
((((hugs to everyone))))

When I was little I was very pretty, I can remember alot of people (usually creepy old men) asking my Mom if they could "buy me". It freaked me out. My abusive ex-boyfriend (the one who did this to me) told me how beautiful I was all the time. My sister says I'm still pretty (yeah right) but guys don't seem to notice that, they're too busy looking at my boobs. I realize it's not all guys but I'm gonna say 95% of them are pigs, always have been, always will be. I agree with what everyone else has sad, there is def. something wrong with society.
~Olivia~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
this is my first post.  i guess i finally decided to post here because this is the first time ive realised that its not all in my imagination.  i cant even count the amount of times things have happened to me.  i tried to make a list once, a few years ago, just of names.  but i had hazy memories of some, and sometimes i could remember but i didnt know their names, and it was so hard.  at the time i got down about twenty names and initials, and at that point i just thought, nah, cant be right.  it must be me, maybe i saw it in a movie or something.  thats just not possible.  since then ive remembered so much more.  i was homeless for a long while in my teens, thats not where it all started but i cant begin to count how much happened to me then.  anyway, this is the first time ive seen that other women have had multiple issues too, i guess i figured rape was a violent one time thing, somewhere in my brain i figured that my experiences i mustve made up.  i dont sleep anymore,  i mean, i do, eventually, but not for long.  im really shaking just writing this.  i remember all the time now.  god im 27 andd it seems like 20 plus years have suddenlly caught up.  its the scariest thing

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
:(  Hello i dont know if im in the right area to post this but i hope so im new to pandoras
My question is so hard to talk about im afraid im sick or ? well here goes when i was younger i have a few memories but not sure if i was molested kind of blurry memory but ( its so hard to say ) :down: am i a pervert or sick because when i masterbate or am with my husband sometimes i think about me and my dad and im small about age 3 to 7 i think and him touching me the point is im really scared im sick why wuld i like to think about this ######## and why does it make me orgasm (which is hardly never without thinking this) when im thinking it its me when i was small but not not dad i grew up with just a man i call daddy Am I SICK PLEASE HELP............ also i NEVER think of kids being abused or molested i just wanted to throw that in so no one thought i was a molester or ? its so hard dealing with this im so upset writing this whats wrong with me.........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0