Lis

It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise

285 posts in this topic

I think this needed a BOOST atm... there are a lot of posts about blame going around. :)

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It was my fault because I thought I acted seductively
It was my fault because I didn't fight back
It was my fault because I didn't say no enough
It was my fault for reciprocating any kissing or touching
It was my fault for pretending to like him afterwards
It was my fault for not going to the police
It was my because I gave him my number
It was my fault because I agreed to go with him to his place
It was my fault for giving into his threats of rape

It was really not my fault because he had no right to push me and hit me.
It was really not my fault because no one ever stopped him, or punished him for being abusive.
It was really not my fault when my family beat me afterwards
It was really not my fault because another abuser was a 30 year old man, and I was only 15
It was really not my fault because my 30 year old abuser had no right to threaten me with rape.
It was never really my fault because it was wrong to be left so isolated.
It was never really my fault because my family had no right to make me feel so horrible about sex, and to hit me for it.

Justme Edited by Justme2

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Wow,I thought I could sit here and do this but it was so much harder than I thought! I agree with Jessica I am glad it is here and will come back later on.Fot thos of you that did this it took lots of guts am proud of you.

Wendy

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It was my fault because I felt obligated to
It was my fault because I didn't "fight back"
It was my fault because I didn't say I didn't want to
It was my fault for acting as though I was "into it" as self-defense
It was my fault for tolerating the post-assault emotional beratement
It was my fault for being to ashamed to talk about it for several years
It was my fault for being "crazy"
It was my fault that his needs werent being met since I was depressed
It was my fault that my libido and functionality decreased
It was my fault because I did not "see" this coming before I fell in love
It was my fault for giving into his intimidation in a desperate search for approval


It was never my fault because no one is obligated to have sex, no matter what.
It was never my fault because no one forced him to have sex with me, his actions were his own.
It was never my fault because acknowledging his assault only escalated post-emotional neglect and abuse.
It was never my fault because he enjoyed my pain and anguish- inactivity or fighting excited him further.
It was never my fault because I was trying to avoid being what he convinced me I was, a lousy partner.
It was never my fault because I learned to fight back by not fighting when I was a child.
It was never my fault regardless of illness; my depression didnt make him rape me.
It was never my fault; my sexuality (physical and spiritual) was injured from HIS actions, not my own.
It was never my fault as one does not expect rape from someone they love.
It was never my fault for wanting to please someone I loved- even when his needs were incongruent from my own.
It was never my fault for it was easier to blame myself then acknowledge rejection from the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

:down:
squirrely

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1. It was my fault because he was my boyfriend.
2. It was my fault because I didn't fight a lot.
3. It was my fault because I didn't leave him immediately.
4. It was my fault because I didn't report him.
5. It was my fault because a girlfriend should content and I didn't.
6. It was my fault because I'm a stupid and unworthy person who destroys other people's lives. I deserve nothing better.
7. It was my fault because sometimes I liked to be touched.
8. It was my fault because I liked him. I should've understood that he was cruel and not to be trusted.
9. It was my fault because later I was told by a doctor and my mother I was exaggerating the whole thing and mother blamed me.


1. It wasn't my fault because rape and abuse do not belong to a relationship.
2. It wasn't my fault because I was afraid to be hurt more if I did and I didn't want to hurt him.
3. It wasn't my fault because I was too scared to leave. He manipulated me.
I had also liked him, he had good sides too, it was hard to understand that he could be so cruel.
4. It wasn't my fault because I was too scared and ashamed to do that. My behaviour afterwards won't undo rape and abuse or make it my fault.
5. It wasn't my fault because I have all the rights over my body. I don't need to content to anything that hurts me.
6. It wasn't my fault because his behavior doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not stupid, I'm smarter than many people. I also want to help others. I deserve love and respect in a relationship. And no one deserves to be raped.
7. It wasn't my fault because wanting to be touched some other time doesn't mean I wanted or deserved rape.
8. It wasn't my fault because he was nice to me in the beginning. I didn't know what he was really like.
9. It wasn't my fault because those comments were unfair and not true. Other people's thoughts don't make it my fault, just cause me further pain. Edited by Elfstar

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1. It was really my fault because I shouldn't have been out so late.
2. It was really my fault because I should've fought back more.
3. It was really my fault because I never went to the police and let him do it to another person.
4. It was really my fault because I never screamed.
5. It was really my fault because I listened to him.
6. It was really my fault because I let him get to me.

1. It wasn't my fault because I never asked for it.
2. It wasn't my fault because I have no idea what was going to happen.
3. It wasn't my fault because I was minding my own business.
4. It wasn't my fault because he was stronger than I was.
5. It wasn't my fault because he scared me and I had no idea what he was capable of. My body's response was to listen so I could make it home alive.
6. It wasn't my fault because I never asked for it.

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it was really my fault because i made him mad and resentful towards me.
it was really my fault because i trusted him
it was reallly my fault because i fell for his icey blue eyes.
it was really my fault because i took the open can.
it was really my fault because i considered him a friend.
it was really my fault because i was drinking that night.
it was really my fault because i was wearing a cute halter top.
it was really my fault because i kissed him.
it was really my fault because i thought he'd walk me home.
it was really my fault because i almost believed his lies.
it was really my fault because i didn't try to push him away.
it was really my fault because i shrugged off all the previous rumors.
it was really my fault because i hungout at that fraternity.
it was really my fault because i didn't try to leave.

it wasn't my fault because he took advantage of me.
it wasn't my fault because he knew i liked him a lot.
it wasn't my fault because he eagerly got me a drink.
it wasn't my fault because i didn't realize the can was going to be popped open.
it wasn't my fault because i told him i didn't want to have sex.
it wasn't my fault because i couldn't speak.
it wasn't my fault because my legs felt paralyzed.
it wasn't my fault because i was asleep.
it wasn't my fault because i was drugged with GHB.
it wasn't my fault because he forced me.
it wasn't my fault because he held me down.
it wasn't my fault because the truth came out eventually.
it wasn't my fault because he is a good liar.
it wasn't my fault because he knew how to push my buttons.
it wasn't my fault because i was in a room with my best friend.

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It was my fault because I opened the door
It was my fault because I let him do it
It was my fault because I didn't tell anyone
It was my fault because I froze
It was my fault because I ignored the warnings
It was my fault because my body reacted

It wasn't my fault because I didn't want to
It wasn't my fault because I said no
It wasn't my fault because I was young and terrified

This was very hard. I don't know why but I have so much trouble with this.

Elisabeth

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so........... not sure this is the right thread to post this in but i am doing research on self blame. It has a link to this exercise in it and another one like it. This is called cognitive reprocessing. I like to call it thinking of things in a better light. It's a whole therapy catagory.

here is my page: [url="http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/selfblame.html"]http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/selfblame.html[/url]

comments and suggestions welcome (PM ME)

thanks, pixie

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I really liked your site pixie. A lot of good things there.

survivor

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aw, thanks survivor. I have been adding alot lately. I hope people find it helpful.

pix

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It was my fault because....

1. It was really my fault because I dressed sexy and was dancing with him.
2. It was really my fault because I was drinking.
3. It was really my fault because I should not have been there in the first place.
4. It was really my fault because I did not fight or yell or cry out.
5. It was really my fault because I at first I thought he was a nice guy,
6. It was really my fault because I lost control.
7. It was really my fault because I hid it for so long.
8. It was really my fault because I let it shape me slowly cutting away at my heart, I did not do anything.


It wasn't my fault because...

1. It wasn't my fault because no matter how I dressed or how much I drank was no excuse or invitation to be voilated.
2. It wasn't my fault because he was trying to get me into the back room or house next door.
3. It wasn't my fault because he feed me alochol and did not take care of me.
4. It wasn't my fault because I did not ask to be hurt.
5. It wasn't my fault because I have broken the silence now... :)
6. It wasn't my fault because an unconscious girl is not an invite for assault.
7. It wasn't my fault because these should not be my first memories of being with a guy.
8. It wasn't my fault because they should have respected me and my body.

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It was my fault because: I was too drunk to be in control of myself.

It was my fault because: I knew they wanted sex and I didn't send them away.

It was my fault because: Of the way I was dressed.

It was my fault because: I was too depressed to care what happened to me.

It was my fault because: I knew they were bad people.

It was my fault because: I went into the bedroom.

It was my fault because: I should have tried to stop them.

It was my fault because: My body reacted. I must have wanted it in some way.

----

It wasn't my fault because: Being drunk doesn't mean someone can rape you.

It wasn't my fault because: I never even imagined they would take it anyway, whatever I said.

It wasn't my fault because: It was summer, why shouldn't I wear a short skirt and a vest top.

It wasn't my fault because: Hmm..can't think of a counter for that one.

It wasn't my fault because: I couldn't have known they were that bad.

It wasn't my fault because: I only went in there to see what they were doing.

It wasn't my fault because: I was confused, I was drunk, then I was unconcious and couldn't move anyway.

It wasn't my fault because: The body is designed to react that way. Nature doesn't account for rape.


Now all I have to do is start actually believing those things.

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it wasnt my fault because I didnt expect he would do that to me
it wasnt my fault because It was on school campus
It wasnt my fault because I tryed to fight I tried to push him off of me
It wasnt my fault I am scared

It was my fault that I was back there with them
It was my fault I didnt stand up for myself that good
It was my fault that I sucked him
It was my fault that I didnt call my FWB over to help me
it was my fault that I was acting like a slut

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it was my fault because i didn't fight back
it was my fault cos i might have been able to escape
it was my fault because i didn't tell
it was my fault because i didn't shout for help
it was my fault because i froze
it was my fault because i knew it was going to happen
it was my fault because i couldn't protect myself

it wasn't my fault because i was 14 and naive
it wasn't my fault because i was afraid that my family would get hurt or i would get hurt worse if i tried to get away
it wasn't my fault because i didn't really believe something like that could happen to me
it wasn't my fault because whatever i did or didn't do, what they did was wrong!

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[font="Tahoma"]I'm going to do this in sections with all three abusers.

[b]We'll start with the abuse that happened when I was seven years old.[/b]

This [b]was MY fault[/b] because:

I allowed him to buy me a doll and I should have known he would've wanted something in return.
I should have expected him to hurt me because he was drunk.
I should have known that I couldn't trust drunk people even at the young age of seven.
I should have instead of telling my parents, told the police so someone could've done something about it.

This [b]was NOT my fault[/b] because:

I was only a seven years old and I deserved to be protected.
My parents shouldn't have left me with two drunk people even though they were drunk themselves.
I tried my damndest to escape the situation.

[b]Now the abuse that happened from ages fourteen-fifteen with my ex-neighbor/mother's friend/drinking buddy.[/b]

This [b]was MY fault[/b] because:

I always loved any attention he would give me weather it be good or bad.
I dressed nicely and put on make up.
I wanted his approvel and I wanted him to love me more than anything.
I put up with his abuse so long just because he would hug me afterwards and pretend to be like a big brother.
Toward the end I gave up on trying to fight or resist because I knew he would just hurt me worse.
After he was reported, I tried to sugar coat everything while talking with the detective for fear that he (the abuser) would kill me (keep in mind - he was still my neighbor at this time).
My mother says so.

This [b]was NOT my fault[/b] because:

I said "NO" most of the time and tried to fight him off me by kicking, screaming, and biting.
I was a minor and he was an adult, in fact he was 34, and even if I were to stand in front of him with no clothes on him, he had NO right to take advantage of me.

[b]The rape that occured January 31st, 2005.[/b]

This [b]was MY fault[/b] because:

I was so sick eating disorder wise, so weak that when I tried to fight him off me, I couldn't.
I wasn't wearing a bra under my pajamas that night.
I allowed him to become like a fatherly figure to me and I trusted him with all of my heart.
I believed every word he had told me.
Even with my past abuse, I didn't think to look him up on the sex offender list.

This [b]was NOT my fault[/b] because:

I was desperatly needing someone in my life to care about me and love me at the time that he came along and he pretended to do just that (at least until he raped me).
He was good at playing head games, he had a similar charge against him back in 1989.
Even if I was perfectly healthy, I probably wouldn't have been able to get him off of me, he's a lot bigger, and a lot stronger than me.

Wow, typing all of this took a lot out of me. I'm in tears now. :tear:

But it was a good exercise and I'm glad so many others participated. :butterfly:[/font]

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Okay, I'll try...

It was my fault because [b]I never told[/b] after the first time he touched me - it all could have stopped there.
It was my fault because [b]I didn't fight hard enough[/b]. There were times that I didn't fight at all.
It was my fault because I didn't tell for years...I deserve to hurt because [b]my silence put others in harm's way[/b].
It was my fault because I still went in his room -even after the first time. [b]I should have known what would happen.[/b]
It was my fault because [b]I didn't lock the bathroom door[/b].
It was my fault because there's no evidence that he hurt anyone else - [b]I must have radiated something[/b].

It wasn't my fault because [b]he threatened and manipulated me[/b]. I had no one to turn to.
It wasn't my fault because I was only 8 years old. [b]He was bigger and stronger than me[/b]. I could have never faught him off.
It wasn't my fault because there have been no other complaints against him. [b]My telling wouldn't have saved anybody.[/b]
It wasn't my fault because [b]I was only a child[/b] - I couldn't be expected to understand what was happening. Even once I understood I couldn't save myself.
It wasn't my fault because [b]I was just following the rules of the house[/b] - I didn't want to get in trouble
It wasn't my fault because [b]no child asks for abuse[/b] - there was nothing that I could have done that would justify his actions.

Now I just need to believe it... :(

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It was really my fault because... I should have known where it was going.
It was really my fault because... I drank too much and should have held my ground.
It was really my fault because... I liked him, I must have wanted it.
It was really my fault because... I probably deserved it for putting myself there.
It was really my fault because... I wasn't able to fight him off even though I did say no.


It wasn't my fault because... just because I was drunk, doesn't mean it was right for him to take advantage of me.
It wasn't my fault because... no one deserves that treatment.
It wasn't my fault because... whether my decision to put myself in that situation was responsible or irresponsible, I still did not cause what happened, nor did I ask for it. It was not my fault.
It wasn't my fault because... NO means NO.

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[quote name='' date=' post='18027' date='Aug 16 2003, 12:13 AM']-it wasnt my fault...vaginal and a. sex are two completely different things, different experiences, that require specific consent, not specific denial.
-it wasnt my fault...i was trying to cope, i denied that it was rape for a long time...i had to be in control, being raped does not put me in control.  i was coping.  i was surviving.
-ok, that one's hard...i guess i just hoped it would be different.  delusion doesnt make it my fault.
-it was not my fault...he was the father of my children, not wanting my source of income to go to prison(yeah right, im in texas)is normal
-it was not my fault...i didnt [i]allow[/i] anything.
-it was not my fault...sometimes i fought as hard as i could, and if i didnt, i was terrified, or apathetic, not consenting.  i[/quote]


Thank you for posting this Holly. I found this really validating and empowering. I especially like that you said he needed "specific consent, not specific denial."

I also like that you said you were coping and surviving. You were doing all you could to get through.

This gives me a lot of courage. Maybe I will post too.

Thanks!
Amanda

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This looks like a really good exercise to do. I will have to give it a try. I just have to figure out how to do the exercise and get it on here.

Michelle

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1. It was really my fault because i shouldve reported it the first time he did it instead of keeping quite.
2. It was really my fault because i didnt physically fight back
3. It was really my fault because i didnt take the gun and shoot him
4. It was really my fault because before he attacked me it i let myself trust him
5. It was really my fault because i kept going to the range with him anyways
6. It was really my fault because i never screamed.

1. It wasn't my fault because he had a gun
2. It wasn't my fault because he manipulated me into keeping silent
3. It wasn't my fault because he threatened me.
4. It wasn't my fault because he was so much older than me
5. It wasn't my fault because i wasnt safe to tell
6. It wasn't my fault because i said no and that was enough

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1. It was really my fault the first time it happened because I let myself get to drunk.
2. It was really my fault because I chose to get into his car.
3. It was really my fault because I let them do that to me.
4. It was really my fault because I did not fight back.
5. It was really my fault because I dressed like a slut.
6. It was really my fault because I should not have drank


1. It wasn't my fault because no matter how drunk I got I should not have been taken advantage of.
2. It was my fault this one was since I made a decision that was not right.
3. It wasn't my fault because no matter what I did they would still do it.
4. It wasn't my fault because if I would have fought back I probably would have physical scars.
5. It wasn't my fault because no matter what I was wearing they still had not right.
6. It wasn't my fault because I should be able to have a good time without being worried about sexual assault.

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1. It was really my fault because [i]I never stopped him. 8 years of it that I had to endure and never did I try to stop it.[/i]
2. It was really my fault because [i]I was the older one. He was my younger brother's best friend.[/i]
3. It was really my fault because [i]I never told anyone. I never spoke up about how he was hurting me.
[/i]4. It was really my fault because [i]it happened in my house...in my room a lot.
[/i]5. It was really my fault because [i]he was just a kid.
[/i]6. It was really my fault because [i]I never asked for the help I knew I needed.[/i]
[font="Times New Roman"][size=3] [/size][/font]

1. It wasn't my fault because [i]I froze. I had no voice. I couldn't say no.
[/i]2. It wasn't my fault because [i]he had the strength on his side, even though I never made him use it.[/i]
3. It wasn't my fault because [i]I had known pain for so long (from my parents), I didn't think anything of it.
[/i]4. It wasn't my fault because [i]I never thought he would do that. I trusted him.[/i]

5. It wasn't my fault because [i]I was just a kid too.
[/i]6. It wasn't my fault because [i]silence still means no.

[/i]Wow, that was harder to do than I thought. But it was a great exercise! Thanks!

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It was my fault __ because I should have known better than being with a man 16 years older than me.
It was my fault __ because I did not really like him
It was my fault __ becasue I did not make it to run away
It was my fault __ because I did not report him or call the police after he raped me
It was my fault __ because I knew that only strangers could rape


It was not my fault __ because he held me down
It was not my fault __ because I did not commit a crime
It was not my fault __ because I said no clearly and he should have listened to me
It was not my fault __ because [b]he raped me[/b]
It was not my fault __ because [b]I survived[/b]

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I didn’t know which one to do it on so I will start with this one

It was really my fault because…

1. It was really my fault because I was his step daughter
2. It was really my fault because I trusted him
3. It was really my fault because I didn’t tell anyone
4. It was really my fault because I was a naughty girl
5. It was really my fault because I could have fought harder
6. It was really my fault because I made him angry
7. It was really my fault because I didn’t ask for help
8. It was really my fault because I let it happen
9. It was really my fault because I didn’t scream only cried
10. It was really my fault because I did everything wrong
11. It was really my fault because I let him hit me
12. It was really my fault because I laid beside him
13. It was really my fault because I hugged him
14. It was really my fault because i kissed him on the cheek
15. It was really my fault because he told me it was
16. It was really my fault because I deserved it
17. It was really my fault because I let him do it to me for 7 years

This was really hard for me to do all I did was cry through it sorry Edited by Tearsofshame

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