Melanie

5 worst betrayals

148 posts in this topic

This is a great place.  Thank you!

I'd like to start a thread.  5 worst betrayals ... and how did you work through them?

Feels like being betrayed when you know something happened and someone denies it ... even though they should know better.  That's the situation I'm stuck in with my gf.   I'm reading other stories and there just seem to be so many betrayals ON TOP OF the pain you're already feeling ... by bf's, gf's, families, friends, professionals.  

--------

Kevin

(Edited by dream of water at 1:53 am on June 5, 2003)

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Hello again Kevin - I'll start here with one betrayal that still rocks me from time to time.

My mother visited my rapist in jail. Even though I was used to never having her be on my side, that was a kind of final straw. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I remember announcing it to my therapist through a sick fog, and I will never forget the way she stopped what she was saying and quietly said "I beg your pardon, Lou?'

I battled with my sense of worthlessness, and in the end came to realise that it was about mother as a parent; my mother and her monstrous priorities, not about a lack of worth on my part. I could also understand why it had been hard for me to believe that what he did to me was really wrong.

I could then confront her and express my disgust. After telling me she felt sorry for him, and that he'd called her 'mum' in the visiting room, I told her I didn't want to hear about it. She said, 'oh, well, it seemed the christian thing to do, but I won't go there again'. I said, 'I don't give a toss what you do, mother. I know my feelings have never been important to you, but they are to me. Go if you want, but I think it's obscene and I don't want to hear about it'.

Sometimes I'm still surprised when something unfair has happened to me and people display partisan support for me.

I think what she did still rocks me because I don't understand how such a thing is possible - the only place I would vsit somebody who beat and raped my daughter is in the cemetary so I could piss on his grave.

Hugs

Lou xxxx

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*T*

*T*

*T*

*T*

Well...there's lots of betrayals, but one in particular was the worst I think. I had been r*ped again by this man that was in my life hurting me for years. But this time he was violent. He insisted that I go out somewhere with him the next weekend. I was scared and didn't feel I had a choice, so I talked to some friends. They understood my fear but didn't exactly know the story. These two guys decided to go with me and him so they could protect me if he got out of line. But when he was getting out of line they didn't stop him. They joined in. And that's when I lost all touch with reality. One day, when I could think about what happened without screaming, I found this place.

As for getting through it. I haven't. So I'm especially glad that you started this thread. I refuse to trust anyone. I've hurt so many people's feeling by my obvious lack of trust and my inability to voice WHY I can't believe in anyone. Patience and love from my friends and family is helping me to understand how to have faith in anyone again. But it is a long hard road.

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For me the worst betrayal was from my grandparents. These people are my blood and yet they let the man who abused me as child into their home. For fuck sake they make him cups of tea.

I am now the mad deranged member fo the famliy because I dare to express the opinion that this isnt right.

How did i work thru it? I said fuck the lot of you.

Mel

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I thought twice about starting this thread.  

For me betrayal is the worst people can do to each other.  It needs to be acknowledged, it needs to be seen and it needs to get out of the system.  Everyone talks about “just moving on”.  For me that comes only after the depth of the pain has been told.

----------

********T*********  Violating trust.  The worst … and I’m just a secondary survivor.  Either way, if you care you have to live with the aftermath, whether you were betrayed yourself or you had your entire life changed because of the selfishness of people that have betrayed the one you love.  A lot of s**t goes down.  Here are a few betrayals:

- My gf desperately needed a “best friend” after leaving her marriage.  Her sister was post-partum and asked her to move across the continent to live with her and her husband and their infant daughter.  That “friend” ended up being her brother-in-law.  After confiding in him about experiencing CSA and sexual abuse throughout her marriage, and that she didn’t know how to stop “men like that”, the brother-in-law took advantage.  This is the father of the infant, someone who should be helping his wife get through post-partum!  It’s a first child and the mother was having a really rough time.  She was abandoned.  It sucks!  There are betrayals on top of betrayals here!  

- Anyway, the brother-in-law turns his back on his wife, finds out his sister-in-law has a vulnerability, an abuse past, and what does he do?  He sees her as an “opportunity”.  It’s so unbelievably callous.  He started abusing her, seeing what he could get, telling her he was “freeing” her.  She cried when he touched her or tried to kiss her.  She told him she really needed friendship.  He kept trying to work situations so he could be alone with her.  Then he’d assault her, always with compliments and words like “I don’t deserve you”.  If she stopped him, he would play on her sympathy and get depressed.  She’d try to console him and before she knew it, he had turned it sexual again.  She knows he had an agenda all his own now, but then she was just very messed up by his weird persistence, she was needing a friend and not wanting to hurt that friend.  He just kept building up and desensitizing her step by step until one night he got her drunk and r*ped her.  She endured his abuse pattern for over three years.  She tried to be careful with him AND be his friend.  She blamed herself if he did anything.  Eventually she just wouldn’t have anything to do with him.  Then he said she was selfish because she "dropped him after getting what she wanted".  It’s a mindf**k!  I’m writing all this because I think people should share stories about how manipulative some people can be.  It is SO damaging.  

-  Two years after it had stopped, after getting up enough courage to break her silence, she told her sister.  The shame and guilt of carrying this secret had made her almost suicidal.  That was a dark time.  I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t sure what was wrong but I found myself just trying to keep her alive at times.  It got so desperate.  Some days she’d just disappear.  Eventually, she got herself a therapist and shortly after broke her silence to me.  Then she told her sister.  

- Her sister denies it all.  She says she knew all along about the “affair” because her husband (the abuser) told her.  No one told my gf.  It sickens me to see people manipulating the truth and manipulating other people like this.  

It hurts to see the damage that denial can do.  My gf carried all this pain and took so much abuse because she didn’t want her sister to know what kind of monster she had married.  For what?  To be betrayed?  She remembers a car ride when her sister was saying how wonderful her husband was and how good he was to her.  My gf just couldn’t bring herself to tell her.  All the time, the husband just kept abusing my gf.  He played both of them, knowing them well enough to know they wouldn’t talk about this.  It’s the abusers trick isn’t it … to know how to keep someone from telling.

Kevin

(Edited by dream of water at 1:55 am on June 5, 2003)

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I think the betrayal that stands out first and foremost in my mind has been a fairly recent one - from an ex-boyfriend that I had confided in.

Glen told me that he wasn't sure if he believed me, that I had really been raped, because I enjoyed physical touch so much now (three years later). To prove to him that I was telling the truth, he wanted me to tell him all the details of the rape - he wanted to know every part of it. And he would bring up bits and pieces of it after that, or ask questions about it whenever he wanted to. When he wanted to pressure me to have sex with him (something I never did), he even tried it in the same position in which I was raped.

Then, when I ended the relationship, he made derogatory comments about me either not truly being a rape survivor, or having deserved it ("You're just a recovering tramp") - and shouted these comments at me down the hallway of my apartment building.

At any earlier time I think this would have hurt a lot more than it did - and it still hurts a lot, and has made me a lot more cautious in who I trust, all over again. But I don't doubt the reality of what happened to me, and I won't let him take and twist the truth, or put blame on me.

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I think one of my worst betrayals was by my mom. Previous to a run in with rape, she would constant tell me to "keep my legs crossed", and sometimes talk about /her/ sex life around me... which I think was slightly emotional damaging because I wasn't ready to hear anything like that from my mom. I supose this probably isn't much, but it really hurt me. I came to think board and posted and bitched and posted again about my mother... it made me feel like I had done something wrong by being raped, even though it wasn't my fault.

How I got over it. I had so many friends with me, and of cource, I had Pandy's also, to run to... talking to them and the people here was the only thing that kept me sane.

-Tears

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my worst betryal was by a kid in my lit class who was teasing me about it, trying to get details, and when i wouldnt give him any trying to convince me r*pe was some dreamed up thing...... i did get out ofthe class so it is all good now

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yeah...this might trigger...

well..there's the one where I trusted two males with the knowledge of what happened to me between Steve and Avon Lake and they proceeded to prove that they were just as bad.

Then of course, there's my mother who is happy in her ignorant bubble of denial about what happened and continues to try and get Steve and I "together again".

There's another one somewhere that I seem to have forgotten at the moment.

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mine are small but i still remember them.

First time I wrote about being raped as a teen ager was in college in a class about sexuality, we were supposed to tell our history.  I trusted my professor, he was a therapist too, got my paper back with negitive comments about my grammar and typos, and nothing about the content.  Felt so ignored.

A supposed healing session turned into rape by people i trusted and thought of as family.

Now my sister tells me to get over it

Last week i told my mother about my rapes, and this week she asked me when was i going to stop living in the past. that hurt.

Im sure i can think of more another time.

Kala

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I feel betrayed by the very fact of the abuse -- the fact that they were my friends made what they did so fucking horrific and unbelievable.

I feel betrayed by my mother's inability to hear or understand my pain -- I can't imagine turning my daughter away when she said, "they're grabbing my breasts and touching me and they won't stop", but she did just that.  And warned me not to tell my father, because he would be too embarrassed and upset to even look at me again, or he would do something that might make trouble.

Finally, I feel betrayed by my husband, who won't hear my concerns about our marriage, about my mental health, about how I've lost myself.  He is perfectly content to ignore any pain I might feel.  This is still too raw to talk about much, so I'm going to stop now.

xox

Amy

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the worst betrayel was from a guy i confided in.   I told him about my first r*pe, and he ended up doing the same thing to me years later.  

the second worse is when my boyfriend told me i cheated on him while i was being r*ped.   He called it cheating!  

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**********T*********

Another betrayal last night.  One of my gf's sisters explained her silence ... as in not calling since November ... by saying that she's just trying to see both sides, to understand both sisters.

She says B**** was "in love".

So that makes three years of peeping, daily harrassment, assault, stalking, drugging with alcohol, infidelity, forced inc*st, attempted r*pe, deception, coercion, crying, apologies from him, broken promises, extreme mindgames, singing improvised songs about my gf's body at family gatherings (?!?!?!?!), his drunken visits begging to be let in at 3 in the morning, his yelling and waking neighbours, howling until she'd open the door, her subsequent alienation from the whole neighbourhood, the accusations she had to withstand from her ex husband, the open disrespect and bullying from her sister, and finally r*pe that involved being pulled down, dragged from the front to the back seat of a vehicle, his fist pumping when a cyclist rang his bell in approval as he drove by the alley they were in as as he saw B**** r*ping her on the ground behind a hydro box, the injury to her head she sustained when he got her so drunk she couldn't walk and he pulled her down, the stripping of clothes and pushing down into a ditch in a forest, his "don't stop resisting, I like it when you fight" during the last r*pe, and the complete devastation of her home life and self esteem ...

Oh...it was because he was "in love".  

OMG I feel such a fool for not appreciating that.  Apparently I should have been more aware that "love knows no bounds".

Thanks for letting me get that one out.  

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

(Edited by dream of water at 1:58 am on June 5, 2003)

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i feel betrayed by the hundrets of people who listened to my cries for help while i was raped with 9. because noone thought of helping me and everyone laughed about me the next morning.

and working through... i have found out since that there are good people who care. maybe it was just bad luck that in the time i had needed help most only bad ppl where around.

when i found out my very best friend had died and i screamed very loud and very long. and suddenly two neighbars came and rang my doorbell and asked whats wroing/weather im in danger and they are supposed to call police. so there are good people around... neighbars... not everyone is bad.

i feel betrayed by my mom who watched me as 2 years old play with my father g*ntals and not do anything against that. but she is very sorry today. so i managed to forgive, but not forget, what she has done.

EW

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(((((((Kevin)))))))) this is an interesting topic.

Might ***T***

I have 2.  One was when my dad found out his best friend molested me his response was "Well, would you mind if we were still friends?"  What!!!!!  The response I was hoping for was "Let's prosicute!!!!"  "Let me go hit him"  "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"  Something, anything but what he said.  How could a dad just not care?  It makes me mad to this day and that was 14 years ago.  I will never forget.  The way I deal with it is just to know it's him.  He is strange (my dad) and he will always be strange.

The second one is I would get drunk and passout and my boyfriend at the time would strip me naked and let his friends f*ck me while I was unconcious.  I hate him.  The way I deal with that is just to envision him being r*ped or dieing of a slow (very slow) and painful death.  I know this is kind of morbid but I have SOOOOO MUCH HATE FOR HIM.  Okay maybe I'm not COMPLETELY over it but I'm working on it.  Take care everyone and thank you for sharing so I know I'm not all alone in this.

Casper

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the worst betrayal.....I did myself. For 21 years I have been denying what had happened during six years of abuse (4 years of mental abuse, humiliation by class "mates") 2 years of mental and physical abuse by bf's and others......I denied it, went on with my life and never talked to anyone about it. Now my husband has betrayed it even more.....even though it was not his intention, what I believe after the way he acted last night by respecting my fear and coming home early and not drunk. For me and himself (and I am to blame for not telling him, he had no idea I would feel raped!).....I am still here, don't go to a T and just trying to cope it in my own way...stupid I know....that is the worst betrayal!!! betraying myself!

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my worst betrayls

everyone at my school for beliving that i made it up

my best friend hanging out with the rapist

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the worst betrayal for me was that my entire family saw the emotional abuse going on and they didn't do anything. i told my mom about the sexual assault. nothing was done. i still had to see my grandfather and endure the emotional abuse. and watch him emotionally abuse my sister.

how i'm dealing with it: i went through the rage stage where i hated my parents and i screamed at them and everything. now i'm starting to head into the understanding stage. my mom also comes from a home of abuse, she normalized it. it was my father's father who abused me, he pretended it wasn't there.

i'm beginning to understand why they betrayed me but i still maintain that they were wrong in what they did.

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My betrayals:

1) Being molested by Jeff ages 9 and 10 and raped when 10

     I just think he's a fuck head. That's all there is

     to it.

2) Eddie molesting me when i was 11

       I just look at it as a one time think and try to

       be thankful it wasn't more.

3) best friend's dad molesting me ages 12 and 13

   I haven't worked through it and see no need to. I just try to forget.

4) My aunt moving out of state...

 I tried to commit suicide that same day..It didn't come out of nowhere but that was just like the last straw or something. I guess time healed that one.

5) Sounds like it should be one of the other ones, but I think this was the worse for some reason....My psychologist reporting my bud's dad for molesting me...I should be thankful but that fucked me up for a while. It's 2 years later and i still cry about that. I started burning myself that night (for the first time) and did for a few months after that. She was like my sister. She's the only one i could tell things too. I was used to having things like that happen to me. I had one person to help me with it and i fucked it up. I've known her since i was a baby... I just can't trust anyone after that shit (report). Got ptsd from that. He might have been molesting me sometimes but it's not like he did that all the time. He was like my dad. Was like my second home. I don't think i'm ever going to get through that unless i just forget about them like i think i've been doing. If it were any of my other friends it wouldn't be so worse...her dad was like my fucking dad though. I never had one. I'm not saying he wasn't fucked up but i know he cared....more than my own dad maybe. I just can't forgive myself for that shit. That's my own betrayal i guess. Noone fucked me up as much as me. Cuz i'm just fucked up.

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The worst betrayal for me was that of my mom.  I told her what he was doing to me when I was 9; and she didn't do anything to stop it.  She told me when I was older, after I was a teenager, that she had "walked in" on him abusing me when I was 4.  4!!!  She knew.  She never did anything to stop the abuse or to protect me.  She also physically abused me, sometimes along with him.  Her failure to protect me, I think, was the worst betrayal.

The second worst was the first time I tried to tell someone about the abuse.  I tried to tell my best friend Terry, who was like an older brother to me.  He knew my family and how insane my mom and stepfather could be.  (Terry was older than me by about 10 years.)  We talked about everything and were very close.  When I was 16 I tried to tell him, and his response was an expression of horror and, "I don't want to hear this."  I never tried to tell again until I was nearly 30 years old and then it was a fellow survivor.  I still feel intense shame when I think of Terry's reaction.  To this day he calls me to chat and I make excuses to get off the phone.  

How have I worked through betrayal?  I don't know.  I don't trust those who betrayed me at ALL, and it made it very difficult for me to trust anyone.  It compounded my shame.  I struggle with horrible self-doubt and disgust.  But I did learn that I wouldn't die from it, and I have been able to tell again and connect with other survivors.  My therapist suggested we talk about this issue when I am ready, and someday soon I think I will.

(((safe hugs)))

Tash

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*T*

i have never posted before so i am a little nervous. I have 2 betrayals.

First, i was r*ped by a guy that i thought was my friend when i was 12 (a month before my 13th bday). two of his friends watched and did not help. i could see them watching and laughing and i couldn't breathe, but they did not help me. they tormented me throughout high school...saying i was a tramp and threatening me every chance they got. one time, they spray-painted my name and "whore" all through the upstairs hallway of school one day for everyone to see.

The second betrayal came from my mother. After the attack, they put me into their car and dumped me out in front of my house. i was muddy and dirty - broken. i had bruises all over my neck and body. my mother found me, crying in the bottom of my shower. she insisted that i never speak of what happened. when the bruises faded, she took me to the doctor just to have me put on birth control. i cried while the doctor examined me. i proceeded to hyperventilate and pass out. the doctor asked me if there was anything i wanted to tell him. my mother quickly said "no" and rushed me out of the door with a perscription in hand.

i don't blame her. she didn't know how to help me. she grew up in a family that didn't talk about "dirty things". i guess it rubbed off. it has been 17 years and i have only told my mother, my husband and one therapist that my husband and i saw before we got married.

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I was betrayed by just about everyone.  I mean, when I called the police, they wouldn't do anything, I think that is a kind of betrayal. Before that, when I went to the hospital, reaching out for help and support, they treated me like I was crazy or something; fellow students (most of them) acted like they believed the lies the rapists spread around campus after they performed their dirty deed; most of the town seems to believe I am a whore or something; one of my best friends, in Texas, stopped writing to me altogether when I told her about what happened; I am having trouble even finding employment here, and my own father seems to be siding with the rapists. How about that?!  

What was my response?  Well, I am a Christian, so I'm trying hard to forgive everyone, but it's not going to be easy, but as far as men are concerned, I'm through with them, pretty much, except for the one I'm with.  If we break up, that's it; I do not choose to ever be with another man, period, I don't care what anyone says.  As far as I'm concerned men have been getting by with this kind of thing for far too long.

Also, I am becoming an activist. I am writing a book on the oppression of women going on in the United States, and why it is not consistent with what we claim to believe in, freedom and equality for all.

I am just so angry over this.  And I plan to stay that way, I have every right to be; I also am attending online classes now, so that 'men' won't have as much access to me.

That just about covers it.  Oh,and the 'friend'in Texas?  -- Good riddance.

Lee

         

 

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Worst betrayals are:

Remembering my past abuse, confiding in my neighbour about it and then, them subsequently using my past abuse as a way to abuse me themselves.

Telling my mother twenty years later and her response being what you telling me this for now, what do you expect me to do.

Being asked to keep my friend's friend company, when really she had just set me up to be his victim.

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My worst betrayal was by a friend who I confided in about being r#ped, he then r#ped me himself. Denied it and then months later he came to me  when I was working in a pub and tried to hug me, apologised for what he had done, tried to give me money and then told me how much he had always loved me and would I forgive him? I told him I would never forgive him for ruining my life and told him to leave now or he would be thrown out. I had the power over him in that situation though.

The other one was when a friend I had told about being r#ped by my mum's best friends son, went and told my mum about it, some friend. To top all that off my mum asked whether I had had sex with mark, I said I suppose so yes, then my mum said well why did you tell someone he r#ped you? I then told her about my drink being spiked and not knowing were I was and what had happened that night. My mum then said no you must have agreed you were just drunk mark wouldn't do that.I have not spoken to her about it since. I will never forgive her for that conversation.

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