Jes

Top 10 Stupidest Comments

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For the most part, my boyfriend was wonderful when I was raped.  But there was one thing ... when I told him a couple of times that I'd like to tell him about what happened, he told me not to, that 'he couldn't handle it'.  I have no reason to believe that he was overstating the case by very much; he's a very honest person and if he said he couldn't handle it I'm sure the least effect he thought it would have was crying, throwing things and being miserable and full of rage for days.  But it still hurt.  Still does hurt.

Ren

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(((huggles)))

my ex used to say "get over it"  that's why he's my ex :D

and recently it was my so called best friend of 17 years who said "dont you think you've played the "poor me, I was r*ped" story a little too long?  Isnt it time to move on and get over it"

I told this person that if they would take responsibility for their own life and stand on your own two feet, and not depend on me so much, maybe I could actually have time to help myself.  We're no longer friends. DUMB-BUTT!

amanda

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***Mistake Alert***

I just got off the phone with my sister who I confided in for the first time today. Her response ~ "well, Lisa, we all make mistakes in our choices in men ~ obviously you made a poor one.  You should have seen that one coming a mile away". WTF!

Lisa

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My mom asked me what I was thinking because I 'let them' do those things to me.

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After my disclosure to one of my closest friends - "so what?  You think I am happy all the time?  Get over it."

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Quote: from Cherry Blossom on 11:49 pm on July 18, 2002

Add this special tidbit to the fuckwit mix:

"There are those who will take advantage of the drunken ones and influence their decision, but ultimately, YOU GOT YOURSELF THERE, I don't care if someone slipped something into your drink; the slipper did not force you to continue drinking your beverage or whatever the case may be. I'm sure there are those instances where you may be forced into doing it from some threat or whatever, but ultimately: You got yourself there. Period. You chose to go, you chose to hang out with those people, you chose to form the opinion of those people, you chose to trust them."

Sorry was just reading through this thread and came across this older pearl of wisdom and was so outraged I had to respond. HUH? You got yourself there? WTF? The rapist "got himself there" too, with the intention of causing distress and trauma to another human being. Since when is trusting someone or drinking a beverage a crime? Using this "logic" the victims of September 11 and Bali were responsible too - after all, they put themselves in a dangerous vicinity. I know, lets not punish the terrorists, lets just blame the victims. They got themselves there, after all!

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.

..

...

Ouch, from a short-lived boyfriend:  "You must have been a really pretty little girl."

Oh yeah. The most seductive four year old to ever wiggle her hips down the sidewalk. What a creepy guy he was...

From a usually brain-intact dear friend: "I think that this has been an ennobling experience for you; maybe you should think about using your struggle in your work."  Ennobling? Fuck you, hon.  Don't tell me how noble I'm being or how to use this like some found-art piece, not when I'm disintegrating on your floor.

From my insane religion teacher in 12th grade: "God's laws are not for his sake, but for his children's - you see now his wisdom in reserving sex for the santifying confines of married life.  Healing comes in accepting our sins and receiving his forgiveness with humble hearts."  I shit you not, this was in a journal we had to keep.  I didn't know what to do.  Forgive me, father, for I seduced my stepfather.  Forgive me for I charmed my boyfriend into smashing me into a tree and pounding cemetary dirt into me.  I'm really, really sorry.

I'm going to give it all up and be a silent, knitting, Chinese cook for the rest of my days. ::sigh::

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when i told my mom, she immediately assumed i had gone out and slept with the guy on purpose. she assumed that me and my boyfriend would now break up because i had cheated.

whatever.

she gets it now, but it hurt to have her first concern be for my boyfriend, not me.

~bailey

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Hugs to everyone who has had to deal with dumbass comments.  I'm going to rant a little here, so if my bad language will offend you, you may want to stop here.

The stupidest comment came from a counselor.  I filled out a survey to sign up for free online counseling.  Among other things, you are asked to list current problems (i.e. depression, anxiety, trust issues, etc.).  One major thing I listed was lack of trust in men.  Farther on down, it chronicals your sexual history, so of course, I told all about my r*pes, & CSA.  So, the counselor writes me back to request additional information, & wants to know what past & present experiences contribute to my lack of trust in the opposite sex!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK??!!  Did he NOT read the part about how I was r*ped?  Did he NOT read the part about how I was ab*sed as a child by my own brothers?  How can he even ask that?  Talk about a fuckwit!

The most hurtful comment came from my sister, who I've never spoken to since.  It was after everybody found out that one of my brothers had ab*sed me.  She was asking questions about what happened, when it happened, etc. She asked if there had been actual penetration & I said yes.  She said that she believed that he'd touched me & such, but didn't believe that there was actual penetration involved, so basically, it wasn't that bad.  First of all, thanks, sis, for the love & support.  It's so nice to be believed.  And secondly, I never knew that it was OK for a brother to grope you, just so long as he was respectful enough not to force you to have sex!  WTF?!?!  Thanks for clearing that up for me.  Here I was, thinking that siblings just aren't supposed to touch each other like that, period.  What was I thinking?!

Sorry for the rant, guys.  I'm just so glad that I now know that if I simply take up knitting, all my problems will be solved. And I do love Chinese food.  I'll be heading out to Wal-Mart tomorrow to buy yarn & a wok.  Problems solved!

Hugs to everyone,

Cira

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Okay I may be alone in this but the most annoying comment I hear is when I finaly tell people I was raped and what do they ask first? "Are you sure?" God, how dumb is that?

(Edited by Rain1616 at 12:18 am on Jan. 22, 2003)

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I do knit, crochet, and can cook Chinese,  but can't forget what my mother in law said. " A husband can't r*pe his wife,  he supports her and she owes it to him."  Lo mein and an afghan anyone.

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People suck! There are so many morons running around.

I was in this discussion with a friend of mine and he asked me what my problem was and why I am rarely happy. I told him there are somethings in my life that I am having a hard time dealing with (He still doesn't know about "my secret").

He responded with "You could get over your past if you really want to!"

Oh yeah...I am dwelling on this because I enjoy it!!! I enjoy not being able to sleep, having panic attacks, puking my guts outs, living every moment in fear and being depressed! Who doesn't????

Then he had the guts to tell me that I was extremly moody, possibly bipolar.

GRRRRR...

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My mom found out when she read my journal when I came home from college over Thanksgiving break this past fall.  She said nothing for hours till I finally asked shy she was all of a sudden so quiet.  She told me that she had read my entire journal.  She yelled at me for being "immature with eating habits" (bulimic) and for not telling her that I was seeing a counselor.  After she was done yelling I said that it's been really hard dealing with the rape.  She responded "well you only slept with him once, so you're not a slut."  Gotta love family support!

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The latest and greatest from a another alleged, well-meaning friend, "Lisa, everything happens for a reason.  Life's just that way, there are no mistakes only learning experiences."  Yes, there are mistakes, namely choosing certain friends ~ likewise there is learning, namely knowing when to say goodbye to them.

Lisa  

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Can't believe I haven't replied to this yet.  Duh.

My hubby, when I told him I thought they had probably raped me but I wasn't sure (I'm a repressor):

"I doubt it -- people don't actually do things like that when they're young."

-- how stupid is that?

My mother, when I told her about their abuse:

"Don't tell me you got yourself ruined"

-- yeah, I'm completely garbage now, Mom, thanks for reminding me.

My hubby again, a few months ago, when I was feeling down about what happened:

"I guess we'll be going without dinner tonight"

-- you could always eat sh*t and die, dear.  

Amy

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amy- ouch.  That had to hurt comming from your Mom and your husband.  I hope that you have other supportive people around you.

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Amy darling

I hope the other half fixed his own dinner - in fact that comment has to be worth a week's worth of shit sandwiches! Good Lord!

Now as for my other half - I recently told him I was quite triggered by something I wrote for my book, and decided to give it a break for a day. Assuring him I'd be okay (I always feel the need to do that because I know he finds my traumatized spaces a pain in the ass), I then told him how inspired and strengthened I'd been by other survivor-writers who moved through their own triggers and succeeded their projects.

He says 'Yeah, but they were probably over it'.

That really shat me and he got a hot slice of jaw-pie.

:)

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<i>I guess we'll be going without dinner tonight</i>

Dear heaven but that had to hurt! What a totally fucking awful thing to say.

((Amy))

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I got a new one from schoo thursday.....this one guy that is in my lit group (the one that is practicly like babysitting to be with) and he found out from someone that i am a survivor and in lit after he sat down he turns to me and goes "serously i didnt think r*pe actually happend are you sure you didnt dream it or something."

 I told him to Fu*k off (pretty strong language for me) and he thretend to tell the teacher that i cursed at him (not like he hasnt cursed like constantly the whole class every class). So i told him that i had to get hte teacher to sign something (i actually did have to get him to sign my course regestration form) I told her that he was giving me a rough time and she told me that i could go walk around and she gave me a hall pass.

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an acquiantance of mine  made some stupid comment about r*pe, though I can't remember exactly what it was, this was shortly after my last r*pe, and I was angry, and said "I was just r*ped" and she looked at me (don't you love people) and said

"look at you, you're fat and ugly, you couldn't pay someone to have sex with you, why would anyone have sex with you willingly, much less force you to."

ARGH....jerk

(Edited by the last unicorn at 11:03 pm on Mar. 11, 2003)

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<font face="Georgia" size="2">Okay, I have to share, because as shocked and hurt as I am by this, it's halfway to funny.

I do some work for a professor here on campus. As things were getting majorly crazy right at the end of last semester, I kind of disappeared from classes and work. All my prof.s knew SOMETHING was going on, but not exactly what. So on Thursday I went in to get started for this semester, and explain my absence last semester. Mind you, this prof. is old, from another country, and VERY set in his ways. He also, did not mean this to be directed at ME really, but still.

So, I told him that last semester I disappeared because I was raped and subsequently got the rapist kicked out of school. And he goes *ahem* ;) :

"I can't believe it, I hate to hear about this kind of thing; but I have to say the women's liberation movement is at least partially to blame, and sometimes so is the girl, for acting a certain way."

OHmyGOODNESS!! I can't believe people still think like this.</font>

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Just remembered that whe replying to another thread...not hurtful, just plain stupid and funny as #### (imho)

My 47yo coworker when I mentioned I had been raped "Oh, luckily that hasn't happened to me YET"

I was like wtf??? and had to try really hard not to giggle...it just made no sense even coming from someone who is more stupid than a bag of potatoes

Art

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This thread has me aghast, alternating between nervous giggles (thanks Art) and jaw-on-the-floor incredulousness. People are so #### stupid. I'm sorry you all have heard those un-freaking-believably asinine comments.

Given that I've willingly disclosed to so very few people, I don't have such whoppers to share. However I have a couple, plus this post will lead to the all-important RED DOT! So here goes...

From a former therapist, after I said that in the months after being raped I was afraid of running into the perp: "You were afraid? Why?" (This was not in an explore your feelings kind of way but out of genuine confusion that I might still be afraid of that man. Ohhkay! Time for a new T!)

From a boyfriend: "You just use that rape stuff to avoid sex with me." (Yes darling, the world revolves around your sex drive. I just make this stuff up as an excuse.)

From another boyfriend: "Are you sure you didn't just regret it in the morning? I don't know any guys who are, you know, rapists." (Well, idiot, I didn't know he was a rapist when I first met him either.)

Another friend once referred to the rape as "when you were with [so and so]." As if we were dating or something! Oy.

Oh, Anna, I got a karma comment once too, and that one was that not only did I deserve what happened then, I still deserved more, and surely would suffer it again. I still can't believe the cruelty of that one.

L

(Edited by Elle at 3:28 pm on Feb. 24, 2003)

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My God people are stupid.

One of my teachers knew that a song had "Bothered" me in choir, but didn't (and still doesn't) know my story, or why it bothered me... but she decided to offer some lovely advice... and in the middle of a 30 minute lecture about not LETTING myself be victimized and not LETTING that song get to me was this pearl of wisdom.... "Just get over it, go in there and sing and have fun." Well, Thank You SOOOO much, I wasn't aware that it was that freakin' simple.you know what? Maybe while I'm singing that song, I can knit you a scarf, and that'll make it ALLL better. Oh, and then I'll fix my choir director a lovely Chinese meal. :P

Also, I had left work one day because I was triggered REALLY badly, but I just told them that I "didn't feel good." I felt a little guilty about that, so I decided that I would tell my boss the real reason for leaving. I said " I have been dealing with a lot of repressed memories lately, and I have had a lot of memories of rape and ab--" He interupted me and said (Very quickly) "Oh, that's not a big deal, glad I could help" while waving his hand at me, and then walked very quickly away. Come on, it's not like I'm contaminated or anything... and what, did you think that moving the air around with your hand would make it all just magically disappear? Next employee party, I'll make chinese for everyone, although, maybe you shouldn't eat it... I might contaminate it. :P

Grr, stupid stupid people...

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<i>"Oh, that's not a big deal.  Glad I could help."</i>

WTF is that?!?!  I cannot believe how stupid, & insensitive people can be.  

Or...how about this pearl of wisdom from a normally compassionate friend who apparently lost her brain...I hope to God it's temporary... I told her awhile back that my b/f & I had been having problems because of my inability to communicate with him & give him the things he needs in a relationship.

Her response?  Ummm...forgive me, this may not be an exact quote, but she said something like "You need to just tell him that you're ready, get over it & do it."  IT being sex.  And I really wasn't talking about sex in the first place, but more about emotional intimacy.

Well...now I know...if I just sleep with him, my issues will cease to exist.  Thanks for reminding me just how easy it actually is!!

So, now, I'm off to have meaningless sex (just to get rid of my issues you know), whip up a nice stir-fry, & knit someone a lovely sweater...I'm sure I'll be all healed once I'm done...

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