Jes

Top 10 Stupidest Comments

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possible :trigger:

sexist comment I've heard

"I have the dick so I make the rules."

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oh oh oh! i have a stupid comment! this was years ago, but still takes the cake for me.

my mother, who was well aware of the fact that my father had horrifically abused me, was talking to me about a mutual acquaintance.

turns out, said mutual acquaintance had been convicted of child molestation for abusing his step kids, and my mother says to me...

get this...

are you ready?!....

"it's always so terrible when you hear something like that about somebody that you know. i mean, it's bad enough when it's a news story or something, but when it's somebody that you've talked to and invited over for supper, it's just terrible."

......

and i'm like "or were married to for 20 years and bore 3 children by?"...

*shakes head*

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You are right ladysig.....that comment has to be one of the stupidest remarks from someone who was aware of the fact that you were being abused!

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So my parents do not speak to their son because of what he did to me. My mom just had a heart attack. My brother's wife wrote to them, "Life is too short to hold grudges."

Ugh.

And from my mother, shortly after she found out about my past, talking to me about abuse her cousin suffered: "And you thought you had it bad!"

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My mum: 'Look at [celebrity who had terrible childhood], they've done so well.'

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An acquaintance after I told my story in a ladies group about csa by my father.

"I was rejected by my father at least you weren't rejected".

Oh okay......seriously?!

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"So that's why you cut all your hair off? You're a lesbian now! That's so cool!"

From my uncle the night the last one happened: "you brought this on yourself"

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When I first told someone I was made to go to a councillor at my college, then an attendance officer because I was missing the classes he was in. She said she wanted to arrange a meeting with us both, I said no, but a week later I walked into her office and he was there. She point blank said to him when I was in the room that I was accusing him of what he did. Then she had the cheek to hear the worst thing I've heard someone say with this:

"We all do things we regret when we're drunk, I'm sure you'll look back and laugh on it one day. You don't have to talk to each other but if you see each other in the corridor just smile and say hello to each other."

This is one of the main reasons it took me four years to start to accept this.

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My husband, mid- tantrum: I am soooo alone! This is soooooo unfair! You are no help. You don't know what this is like! You give me no help or support! etc, etc

To be clear, I'm the one who was attacked.

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"What do you think made him choose you?" said by my aunt upon finding out 18 months later.

I kept quiet about it among family after that. But after 6 1/2 years, my mom has been talking about it bunches. I told her, and she said what my aunt said was NOT okay.

As a way to make a point, I've been pummeling my aunt's Facebook page with anti-r*pe articles and photos (like those awesome signs that rip on victim blame rhetoric). Directly confronting her would work about as well as trying to make a sand castle out of water. Wonder if she'll ever get the message.

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Or maybe the family members who say,"well, maybe after he goes to jail you can move on." Umm. Morons.

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From a distant friend who was very sweet when I told him what happened, but later had this to say (paraphrased): "I think you need to stop regretting it. It's not like you can change it. I mean, if you want your mistakes to keep bringing you down like this it's your choice, I guess, but you need to stop dwelling on the past."

(Swearing warning)

Uhm, EXCUSE ME? You think I WANT to feel like this? And how was my SA a "mistake" on my part? I mean, he's a sweet guy most of the time, but for fuck's sake he must have gone out of his head for a minute or something. :/

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From my mother last week:

"You should stop talking about him ((my abuser)) you just need to move on with you're life and be happy."

My thoughts: Really? Just move on.... after what all he's done to me?

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From my mum

" I couldn't stop your father from hurting you other wise I'd get it to"

After becoming a mother myself this hurt even more because I know I would do anything to protect my children !!!

Edited by amy66

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"It's good for you that he did more to her than to you so you shouldn't be so upset." Was still terrifying, I was so young I didn't even know what was happening. And I thought he'd do it all to me next.

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Counselor 1:

Act out what he did to you with these dolls here. I was 12 years old, and was pretty baffled I had to 'act it out'.

Counselor 2:

Another old school psychologist talked to me (16y) together with my mom. This conversation I remember clearly. He told me that early childhood abuse can not be remembered, because we, as humans, do not hold memories before the age of 5 years old. If I was in pain before the age of 5, I surely could not remember, or be badly impressed by that now. If I was abused after the age of 5, I could not have understood what happened to me, because children can not grasp the context of sex. If they can not grasp what is happening to them, it can not be THAT bad, and it SHOULD NOT hurt, and that if it had been done by a family member, they could have never had the intention to hurt me, and that resulted into his conclusion that my perpetrator probably didn't hurt me that badly, and that I should MAN THE ¨***** UP and DEAL WITH IT. My MOM stupidly agreed with that, and said " I'm sure it wasn't that bad if he didn't penetrate you sweetie". (He did.)

Husband:

Not that shit again. You can only tell me so many times, I already know, and so do you, so why bring it up if it makes you sad?

Mother:

If you don't tell me exactly what he did, I can not estimate how bad the abuse was! You never provide me with details!

Old friend:

Had to keep a diary when I was in therapy. Friend found it while visiting, read it, said she finally figured out why I was such a quiet weirdo.

Old best friend:

Was sitting on a bench in a park, when he asked me why I refrained from having a relationship with a guy. When I told him it was due to abuse in my past, he slowly stood up, and walked away without saying a word.

Looking back that reaction definitely wins, since I haven't told anyone ever since.

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Just reading some of the ignorant, hurtful remarks that have been spoken to survivors....

I wish there was a televised, public campaign educating everyone on the devastating affects of SA and CSA. I know I am grasping at straws here, but at least it would be a start to overcome the ignorance that most people carry. Just wishing.....

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Worst comment for me - you are a liar, you are making it up....and everyone believing these people, so I double-punished....by the act and by the fact that I am regarded as the perpetrator

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After dating someone for a while (a few years ago) he got grumpy I wouldn't "put out". He said "come on or I might have to force you. ". When I scowled he said "it's not like it would be rape, you'd enjoy it".

Omfg, yes of course I would, silly me and how daft for thinking someone "forced" wasn't being raped. Silly girl I am. First time I actually did the breaking up. Left me wondering if all men fucktards for a while...

Jess

Edited by Jess_S

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I get the "Aren't you over that by now?" variation that ya'll have all mentioned or "You have built this up so much in your mind that it is affecting you all these years later. You never dealt with it" (after never having the tools or people to help me deal with it in the first place - when something is a dark secret you don't talk about it). "Why does this still affect you?"

there are more things I'm sure, and the only person who has told me these things is my Mom. She never means anything mean or hateful by them though.

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Just reading some of the ignorant, hurtful remarks that have been spoken to survivors....

I wish there was a televised, public campaign educating everyone on the devastating affects of SA and CSA. I know I am grasping at straws here, but at least it would be a start to overcome the ignorance that most people carry. Just wishing.....

THIS. I have wished many times that there could be some kind of training for the public on what not to say to survivors of abuse, because the ignorant crap we get told is so hurtful and such a slap to the face.

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I have had three different men say when I disclosed (no details, just that I was sa as a kid) that they could tell sometging like that had happened to me. They meant well, but it really reinforced my belief that there was something inherently wrong with me. I mean, what? So I have a big flashing neon "victim" sign over my head?

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Hey Mamielou,

No, it doesn't mean anything is inherently wrong with you at all. And...no neon 'victim' sign.

I don't know if I can explain it properly...

There is a lady at my work...a scientist. She is outgoing, intelligent, social, confident. But....deep down I knew there was something there. No, she doesn't scream victim at all in her demeanor. I just knew that intuitively that something had happened to her. And....she eventually told me that she had been CSA'd by her father. (like myself) She opened up to me after I alluded subtly that the same had happened to me.

From a survivors point of view, I guess we learn to hone in on our intuition that someone else may be a fellow survivor. This may or may not be the case with the men you disclosed your SA to. Maybe it is a certain type of vulnerability but that in itself is not bad. I am vulnerable. I probably flash 'survivor' because I don't socialise much and keep to myself. (protective behaviours).

Don't take it personally. We are what we are. If being a survivor is somehow broadcasting itself to others...well so be it. Maybe, those who see that will be a little bit more considerate of their dealings with us?

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Thank you Tina. I think a part of me, in my head, knows this. But the emotional part of me still sees it as shameful. It helps to be reminded. I guess that his back to seeing all of it as something that was done to me, instead of something I did.

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Exactly, M, it wasn't something you did...at all...as you said. It was something done to you! I know it is hard at times to remember....but we weren't to blame. :)

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