Jes

Top 10 Stupidest Comments

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I've grown so tired of the emotional invalidation that I've gotten to the point where I feel I don't have the right to talk about my abuse in person because nobody wants to hear about it. I only talk about it with a few trusted people outside of the internet.

Some gems I've heard:

"It wasn't that bad and you're just too sensitive."

"You were too passive. You should have stood up to him better, like so-and-so would have." (But I know from experience that when in an abusive relationship, "standing up" to the person often does no good.)

"You should have had more self-respect and not let yourself get abused like that."

"But it was years ago!"

"I don't think it's good to hang onto past hurts."

EDIT: I forgot one I have been told multiple times: "At least you weren't being beaten up!" And a variant: "Just think of all the women out there who are being beaten up..." Still makes me seethe to this day.

It makes me so mad that people think we "choose" to "hang onto" the pain from our abuse and if we could just forget about it we'd be over it. People also don't understand why we can't just "get over it" and never discuss it again, especially if it happened a while back.

Edited by Wolfie1

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May trigger**

This one was from my abuser (my 10 years older brother in law) after touching me all over as an excuse for what he did "you have beautiful breasts, the boys will go crazy for you (I was 12 or 13 at the time...)."

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"but nothing really happened"

Yeah that's a winner. My husband took comfort in that for a long time because he thought since there was no actual "penetration," that it was "OK." That is until I was willing to tell him the more graphic details and he realized that "penetration" wasn't needed to make it an assault and have impact. In my husband's defense, I just don't think he was ready to deal with the reality. He has come a long way, since the "nothing really happened," phase.

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Yeah, I struggled myself with that one for many years. Because there was no penetration, no violence, I didn't think I could say I had been abused and had the right to feel bad about it. I'm glad your husband is now more aware of the effects of it, no matter what...

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Not sure if this fits here...

'First world problems.' Loads of people, when talking about anxiety and depression issues. Holy pants, yeah, of course. 'Cause as I'm not dying of thirst, I'm just a whiny b*tch.

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burkeev, there's nothing weird about that at all. What it means is that your abuser failed to destroy your compassion and in turn, your humanity. Be proud of yourself if anything- you've ultimately won.

Snd86 I do think your father's remark, while disconnected with reality, is understandable. Let's face it, the guy was statutorily raped by a female child sex predator and the world told him it was a rite of passage- just as it continues to tell underage male child rape victims to this day (even making them pay child support when it results in a child)- to the point where he was brainwashed into believing that his being violated by a pedophile was the equivalent of consensual sex between two adults. How else could he have responded to your ordeal without also being forced to face the reality of what he endured. I truly hope that does change for him at some point though.

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My biology teacher after wondering if it was a good/responsible idea to do our Graduation Project on SA.

"O, the ladies about the seks subject."

I was bold enough to tell him there was a BIG difference between rape and sex. :D

And at least he reminded me WHY I wanted to do this again!

The first person I disclosed to.

Me: "I have to start accepting that my uncle SA'd me."

She: "Are you serious?"

No, of course not, I'm just kidding, well duh!

Same person told me later that it was important that people gave me 'the benefit of the doubt'!

School counselor after telling her that we were moving slowly with therapy.

"O, that doens't sound like a good idea, then you'll forget important stuff or make new stuff up."

Thank you sooooooo much for having my big fear come alive again - what if I made it up??

Yeah, guess that was about it. In a way it's kinda funny, but at the moment I'm usually stunned...

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My last ex (though one of the sweetest and most understanding men ever) when I told him i was thinking about going to T:<p>"I don't know if a therapy will help...what you really need is a boyfriend who will help you forget this"<p>

But to get back to the Top 10 part I think Lea's therapist definitely is number one<p>That's the solution girls (and boys...yep Troy, posting in this thread means you have to get out the needles too)...let's all start knitting...not only will that erase all our problems, we could also knit something useful...like a brain for people in desperate need of one :P<p>Art *heading off to buy needles and wool*

<p>(Edited by ArTeMiS at 8:04 pm on July 2, 2002)

I really think crafting/art is one of the best therapeutic thing I do. When I was in the middle of my abuse I was failing school because I was always daydreaming I think trying to separate myself from reality. Thats really when I started to become very creative because it was just a release from reality.

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One stupid comment I got after confiding about the rape attempt was "you shouldn't be outside late at night."

Well first of all, I wasn't out, I was at home in my apartment minding my own business. Not like I wanted the guy to call my door bell.

I don't go out alone at that time of day, and even if I was it's not my fault what he tried to do, is it?

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It's hard to pick just a few...so many. Let's see:

1. That's all that happened/that's it? (as if it wasn't that bad)

2. Feeling better now? (after telling story, as if telling is a magical cure)

3. Stop being a baby /and/ it's not like he finished the job (after sexual assault that wasn't rape)

4. Stop thinking about it? Aren't you over it yet? Just stop living in the past. It was a long time ago why does it still bother you?

5. Why are you so sensitive? (implying a lack of character or that feelings are not legitimate)

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Wow... Just wowww. People are really stupid sometimes and they odd to think before they say.

I'm happy I haven't gotten any bad comments from anyone, yet. And wow.. Your mother?^ Of all people... That's terrible. :eyebrow::(

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I remember telling my best friend at school.

All she said was "Its not the worst thing in the world"

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At the school I went to we had to do a stupid course in senior years, just for the girls called 'back off'. It was meant to be 'how not to get raped 101'. I refused to go, knowing it was triggering, but asked my friend about it after and apparently it was all about self defence against rapists and how you shouldn't ask them to use a condom because that could be taken as consent. What crap..

Anyway, 4 years later they are still running this course and my fiance's little sister comes home and says 'I don't know how anyone could be dumb enough to be raped, you just run away or fight them or kick them in the balls!'

Ugh young ignorance...

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Oy.. So many ignorant hatefull people!!!

From a socalled friend/coworker.. when I said that having to go and have STD testing done following the rape was emotional : ex-friend: "Quit being a baby, You're being overly dramatic. All women have to go to the gyno, and you comparing it to rape is offensive."

My so called victims advocate pulled the " I'm sure you'll be more careful in the future" line on me.. As if I was raped because I wasn't careful :P/>.....

My relationship with my mother is strained.. I had my cousin tell her I was raped and wanted to be left alone.. First thing my mother does is show up crying telling me HER feelings were hurt that I didn't tell h er about the rape...

My mum's reaction was the same. The school told her, and she was just upset I didn't trust her enough to tell her.

Later on she decided I must be lying because I didn't tell her first and because I didn't want to talk about it.

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Ah, I think my ex kind of takes the cake.

When I first disclosed to him he responded by dumping me. Then once we 'worked things out' he says, "you know, if we didn't get back together I was going to make sure I dated a virgin next time" (I had never had consensual sex before him).

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All of these comments are from my mother after I told her about SA/R that happened when I was with my ex. Here are her comments that go from bad, worse to downright scary:

"Therapy is nice, but it won't really help you recover. Pray harder."

"You'll get through this. You need to forgive and move on. Look at Maya Angelou and Joyce Meyers! They endured a lot more and turned out fine."

"Think about all the poor women and children being trafficked-they have it so much worse."

"What's common to one woman is common to all."-Is that supposed to make what happened okay or not so traumatic?

"God allowed it to happen for a reason."- I can't begin to describe how awful it felt to hear that.

"You need to tell your father what happened and ask for forgiveness."- Ask for forgiveness...are you serious?! WTH...I can't even, this comment upsets me the most! :rant:

Edited by wildnfree

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'Can't you just find a button inside your head and delete those memories?'

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"It's like the time I got a hole in my pants. I gave myself 5 minutes to 'be italian' and get angry, and then I got over it. You need to do that too." Yes this is real.

"It's not like you HAD to go in there."

"I'm sure there's some school rule about what YOU did. You better be careful because you could be expelled."

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Oh man, i can't believe there is actual people that have said stupid things like that.

I haven't had any comments really because i am very privy of what happened to me. It is already enought to hear people around me say some shitty comment regarding abused women to know that i should NEVER say anything. For example:

1. my dear granny, ever since i was a kid she would say (when we heard of a girl being abused) "well a man only goes as far as a woman allows him to" really grandma? i bet you also wanted grandpa to give you those beatings everytime he got mad at you. You should have never allowed that.

2. Granny again "your mother deserves your father talks to her that way, after all she is a bad wife" Excuse me? can we go back to point number 1. again talking about grandpa? maybe you didn't serve his soup warm enough and that is why you deserved a sucker punch in the face.

3. Ohhhh granny again. She was visiting me for a summer and we had a fight because i was making plans to go out with one of my girlfriends to the theatre, she kept on ranting i was not allowed to go and leave her alone and then finally she attacks me with the following "well, you live in a different country all by yourself, only God knows what you really have been doing while alone" mainly she call me a whore. She did the same to my mom when she was a teenager so when i told her what happened over the phone she was furious and told me she would help out to get the plane ticket changed so grandma would leave ASAP. How i loved my mom!

4. When my mother died, which was a year after my R (of course i was very emotionally distressed already), i was invited to a friends house just two months after the funeral, of course i had lost my only and most strong supporter which helped me get through that first year. I was feeling utterly destroyed and over coffee she goes "oh come on it has been 2 months you should just get over it, you are depressed the whole time, move forward" I just exploded and told her she didn't know what she was talking about and to shut it.

People can be really cruel.

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Possible Triggers for Language******



My ex's current girlfriend trying to give me a new "perspective" on what happened:

"Have you ever looked at it from his point of view? Did you say no loud enough? Did you struggle enough? You guys had talked about having sex for the first time before, he just thought that that night was "the night". Maybe he just didn't see the signals that you didn't want to. Did it feel like rape?"

My ex when we talked about the rape (he was drunk and doesn't remember much):

"It makes me feel better to know that at least I didn't hit you"

....glad you're feeling better...gaah.gifsad.png

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My mum: 'I would know if that had happened, besides if it were the truth you would have told me when you got home'.

A counsellor: 'at least it was just one guy at a time, not all at once'.

And my sister in law always says things like 'i would fight back' and 'I'd never let that happen to me'

.. Well I didn't LET it happen to me either! >:(

The last thing my SIL did was lend me 'one of her favourite books' that she thought I'd like, in which

......trigger.....

One of the main characters kills herself, apparently because of PTSD and CSA.

How is that going to help me? It might have had a good ending but I got halfway through the book and couldn't deal. Such a stupid book for her to recommend to me.. Or anyone!

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The stupidest thing anyone ever said to me was:

" why didn't you push him off?" " your strong right?"

That was one of my friend.

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"I think it was an accident." umm, no

possible trigger

"r victims usually like to keep on showering since they feel the abuse has made them dirty. You don't think that and hate to shower so you can't be a r victim." geesh, it's not a one size fits all kind of thing

"why would a women molest a female?" Why would anyone molest anyone?

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...what BS!!

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From (now ex) fiancé:

"I'm glad that that's all that happened to you."

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