Jes

Top 10 Stupidest Comments

887 posts in this topic

It happened twenty years ago. I'm sure nothing bad was meant by it but I blocked it out for long time never delt with it properly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You always manage to land on your feet no matter what happens.

Not fucking exactly I don't but thanks for that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it never goes away but youl get over it

Edited by chrystall

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mother, when we went out of the doctor's room and I started to cry. I just heard that I was not seropositive, and he told me that, nevertheless I'm not ill, I would have to wear it as a shoulderbag during my whole life. I knew he understood me. My mother said: 'Doctors are always exegerating like that. XXX (a friend of her) has gone through it, and she's learned to live with it and now she has no problems.' Yeah, but I really don't want to become like her...

My friend, a few days ago in class. I don't know what we were talking about anymore. Anyway, one moment she said, laughing: 'Heeey, are you traumatised? Were you abused?' She doesn't know about it, and now that I came to the moment I felt like I was ready to tell her about it (soon), she just ruined it. I was just like; yeah, I was, and I'm dying inside because I can't tell you because I f*cking like you so much and you're the best friend I ever had. :unsure::tear:

I really feel like getting in my dad's car and driving to get my emotions out, but I'm afraid it'll get me into an accident.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From a psychiatrist: "If I slap you and it hurts you right now, then it is my fault. If it still hurts 20 years from now, then it is your fault."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cranberry, do not believe that. It is not your fault. How the heck did that person get a psychiatric degree??? That is BS. I am so sorry.

:trigger:

The most absurd thing I heard was during my R. He was having trouble finishing (maybe because I was crying and trying to get away???) and told me I had to help him out because he could die of "blue balls." Right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KimberlyD,

That's horrible that he said that. I'm sorry he was so selfish, that he'd do that int he first place, and then have the nerve to say something like that. It also reminded me of something that was said to me.. An old friend took advantage of me when I was drunk. I guess he got turned off by me crying and whimpering from him hurting me, because he rolled over and asked me for oral... and after I said no and scrambled off the bed he accused me of having affection issues. They're so selfish and horrible. I don't know how anyone could do things like that to another person, and I don't understand how they can do that and then blame us for not.. I don't know.. being enough for them. Eugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"i know it's difficult but you can't just freak out like that in public anymore. it's been five years, you need to learn how to handle yourself."

that was a particularly hurtful one. :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Yeah but you're better than were last year so don't worry bout it" -- Friend say that me when I try tell her how depress, scared, lonely I was.

But ultimately when people hear

"Were you asking for it?"

UMMMMMMM I SAY NO. I NOT ASKING FOR IT. IF I ASKED FOR IT THEN I WOULDN'T SAY R*PE. I ASKED FOR IT *NOT*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, my mother talk about friend of ours who 16 with anorexia and she constant feel sorry for girl and say how awful.

But then I angry: where you be when I pay for own T sessions, had EDNOS, s-ied, depression and PTSD? Still HAVE. You no clue. You no care.

But then, I realize. She only gossiping! Like girl with anorexia is just new bit gossip to talk with friend!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I both love and hate this thread all in one. So, a couple I can think of...

My dad, when I first told him: "You weren't raped"

Me: "YES. I. WAS!"

My dad: "Ok, fine 'consensual rape' then"

My mum, about a day after I told her: "Oh honey, it's going to be ok. We're going to go home and I'm going to look after you. You know what, when we get home I think it would really help you to go on internet dating and meet a couple of guys." Uhh, yeah. Not to mention I met my abusive ex on an internet dating site.

My mum, this morning (7 months after the above comment), "you know, I just don't know how long to sit on the sidelines for. You get so angry when I say things but you've got to start living again. What you really need is a job."

My mum (again!), "I just KNOW it wouldn't happen to me. I'm not saying it was your fault but there are some people who are definitely more prone to it than others. I would have seen him coming." Oh, ok mum, so the fact that he emotionally, physically and mentally abused me into submission before the abuse and rapes even started was all because I'm that 'type' of person.

My BFF: "I think you;re just, like, stuck in this bubble and it's making the fear worse. You need to just not worry about when you'll be ok, or what the statistics say about you being attacked again, you need to get out there. Oh and to talk about it. You need T, it will get it out and you'll see there's nothing to be scared of."

My dad (after I was crying over how slow and painful the court procedure was): "Chill girl. Lower the expectations. It probably won't even go to court and even if it does, he's not going to get anything because nothing serious happened." Yeah dad, multiple vaginal, oral and anal rape, sexual assault and physical assault are 'nothing serious'.

My mum, "you're safe now, he's not hurting you any more." OHH, so my constant flashbacks, anxiety and RTS are me hurting myself then?!

A police officer, discussing the case with me: "Now, I need to go over some of the things the defense might pick up on as proof that he's innocent. Firstly, after the anal rape, you had regular sex with him. And you were smiling." No I did NOT have regular sex with him, that was still rape. I was smiling because AS HE SAYS VERY CLEARLY ON THE VIDEO TAPE, he was going to anally rape me again unless I enjoyed it. 'Encouraging' 'regular sex' was the I only way I knew to keep myself safe from worse physical harm.

I would like to point out that my mum and BFF are two of the most supportive, well meaning people I know. But boy they say some stupid shit sometimes. As for my Dad...pfft. He's an emotionally devoid idiot.

xox

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's unfortunate you have all had to deal with insensitive/stupid/ignorant remarks.

My brother "I going to be there for you like a good big brother whenever you're down but only call me when it's really important, like if you're about to end your life; I can't rearrange my life to be there for you when you're just upset." Um thanks, S, I that makes me feel like you care oh-so-much!

Cop "So did he r* you? Did he touch you at all?" No, he just stared at me for a little while and then got tired.

Mom "I know it was recent but maybe knowing it was your fault will help with your recovery; I mean, you shouldn't have been out with just three of your guy friends." Yea, cause I'm supposed to assume one of my good friends could do that and accepting that I should've only hung out with girls is going to speed up my healing process.

Trigger:

When I was being r* and was in and out of consciousness the guy was trying to flip me over and was like "can you help me out? Just roll onto your back, don't be stupid, I'll help push you."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Trigger:

When I was being r* and was in and out of consciousness the guy was trying to flip me over and was like "can you help me out? Just roll onto your back, don't be stupid, I'll help push you."

That really takes the prize for most f***ed up comment. I want to say "what an absolute -----" but I can't find anything awful enough to compare him to. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, on top of everything else. I've blocked out most of the things my ex said to me during and I'm hoping those memories never resurface.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, it's tough to deal with. Such horrible people we've all had to be involved with!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Many of the stupid comments come from my aunt, which is specially hurtful because she's the one of the few peoples I can turn to and she really means well.

My aunt (who's like a mother to me) trying to be supportive: "Well at least it's good you notice it" that was a reply to me telling her I was so depressed (over being r* and losing my father just 3 months later) I couldn't even fake a smile and that I felt like just being near other people would somehow poison them with my misery. Therefore I should avoid being around people to spare them from being infected with my sadness.

My aunt: "You just need a change. You should try moving to [insert name of some small towns] to get a fresh start" Well meant but that would leave me with no support system at all. My T (who is a leading expert in trauma-counselling) is here and none of those small town could offer any real support to r* survivors. Plus my support system within my family is very weak and moving would mean leaving that behind.

My aunt: "You should travel to get your mind of things, go to a warm country were you can sunbathe on the beach and go shopping " What a great idea, as soon as I can handle to go into a busy grocery-store without being triggered or have a panic attack I'll go hang out in an international airport and let strangers frisk me for weapons and then go into an airplane where I have no control over how close the next person sits to me or have anyway to escape. And that's just the travel part, nothing about the destination.

My aunt: "You should go back to school" then when I apply for a masters degree in women's studies, she says: "Your so creative, you should be a designer or something. You've got a good eye for colors and fashion." Which in itself is a complement but what it really implies is that she doesn't like what I've chosen and either thinks it's going to hurt me by making me think even more about the r* or that I'll never get a job with a degree in women's studies.

Another aunt: "You look so good, don't you think you're about to get over this?" This she said when we were meeting to discuss preparations for my fathers funeral (He died of a heart-attack 3 months after I was r* by a stranger). Yeah cause nothing helps you heal faster from r* like the sudden death of your closest relative.

More than one people have said this to me: "Aren't you doing something to get your mind of this. Can't you watch a sitcom or something" Why didn't I think of that, I'll let the healing power of Friends and Modern Family make it all better. I do sometimes watch sit-comes but people overestimate the cathartic potentials of it.

My brother on the phone (he lives in another country) when I tried to confide in him how I was feeling: "You shouldn't be so negative, try to focus on the good stuff" when I told him that maybe if he called me once in a while to check how I was doing I might not have so many negative things to tell him about. His response: "But you tell other people about that. You should use talking to me as a way to talk about the bright sides" Gee thanks. For who's benefit should I be doing that? And btw thanks for being such a good listener.

I've heard this more than once: "You're such a pretty girl, aren't you about to get over this?" Thanks for the compliment but attractiveness was a factor in the speed of your healing process.

This has hurt me a lot: "Well he had been drinking to" my cousin talking about the stranger who r* me. Well he had been taking speed to so I guess since of the two of us he was the one with drugs in his system while I was just to drunk to be fully conscious. Although he was able to abuse me for 5 hours in a way I suppose he's the victim here. Poor guy drugged out of his mind, stranded in my apartment (after practically carrying me there) and I just lay there. That's no way for a good host to behave.

The response I got when I posted (in a private fb group I have with my closest cousins) about that day being the 6 months anniversary of the r*. The response was no response. Complete silence. And I know it's not because they just didn't see it.

But then again it makes sense since what I often here is: "You shouldn't be dwelling on these bad memories. It can't be good for you" and "Really? Is your T still making you go over and over details of what happened and then do assignments about it." said in a tone that implies they think my T is either a sadist or a quack if not both. My T does have a doctors degree in SA related trauma councelling, but hey if my family disagrees with her method she can't be that good [read with sarcasm].

Writing this down really is cathartic. It helps me see how truly stupid many of this comments are and how many of them come from ignorance and not as deliberate attempts to hurt me

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just remember one last gem I have to add: When I had a complete breakdown at work (my attempt to go back to work within a month after the r* failed miserably) my boss said to me: "Whenever I face problems in my personal life, I like to imagine a mountain and as I look at the mountain I see the sun rise from behind it." I wanted to slap her in the face. She honestly thought that the sun rising behind an imaginary mountain was going to be helpful in this case?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An interesting one by my previous psychiatrist:

"Ah, so, you were abused, that explains why you have chosen a disabled partner".....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Well, that's why you don't go on first dates alone!" Gee, thanks for the insight Mom!

:glare:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was 10 when I was Abused by a stranger while at a New years eve party with my father, I am 20 now.

From the first person I had ever told, 5 years after the CSA, this man had stood up for me, been very supportive and understanding about my issues with my mother. So I felt I could trust him.

He put his had on my upper thigh and said...

“Did you enjoy it”

I burst into tears and then threw up. It took me two years before I was able to talk to someone about it again.

just over a year ago I had to take a form from my doctor to the benefit place with the reasons why I was unable to get a job. PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety etc. all written on the form, the lady interviewing me looks at the form and says…

“I have problems, everyone who works here has problems and they can still get off their arse’s and be contributing members of society” she then continues to say “don’t you ever want to be normal like other people your age” I burst into tears and my bf who was with me said something to the lady and took me home, they haven't hassled me since

And a couple from my first and only T

“Your going to have to get over this, you cant expect your doctor to keep filling out sickness forms”

And then she tried to talk me into some weird treatment to recover parts I had blacked out, I told her I didn’t want to know because I probably blacked them out for a reason, she then blurts out…

“ That’s true, most children repress memories that are to traumatic to deal with” followed by “Could your father be the one who had raped you”

This really messed up my head, I had no idea who did it and never had though it was my own father until she said that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And some from my mother.

I told Mother when I was 17, and asked her to not tell ANYONE as it was still very uncomfortable and painful for me.

A few days after I told her she rang me and said…

“I was talking to my flatmate about what happened and her daughter has had the same thing happen, we think you should get together and have a chat”

She continued to tell my grandparents, her friends, most of the many borders/flatmates she has had and the people at her work about it.

Upon confronting her finally and telling her how much it hurt me that she kept telling people (some that I didn’t even know) even tho I asked her not to she said…

“Do you know how much this has effected me! You cant tell me something like that and expect me to keep it to myself, I need to get it out” Yes because its all about how it affects YOU.

Multiple times over the past three years…

“Get over it”

“Move on with your life, your just letting him win”

And many comments about me not having a job. Makes it so much harder not having your own mothers support :tear:

The conversation of children came up, I told her the thought of having children scared me and didn’t want to bring an innocent child into this world. She said “Oh great so I guess your not going to give me grandkids” again its all about HER

She rings up drunk a lot and just a few weeks ago she said...

“You are lying to me about who raped you, it was **** (little brothers father)

Wasn’t it and your lying to protect him” He wasn't even there so I have no idea why that would even occur to her.

And finally…

Not a stupid comment but a stupid/insensitive thing she did. She invited me and my bf around for a “movie night” with a few of her weird friends. The movie was about rape and incest and she didn’t tell me. My bf stood up and walked me out within the first 5min as I was crying and shaking. My mother rang up the next day and asked me “why I walked out” Some people just have no idea... and I still don't know why they were even watching that sort of shit.

Telling my mother was the worst thing I did, every day I wish I hadn’t.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh and one more.

After telling my doctor I was not going to try the latest pills she wanted me to take after reading about them online.

"if you don't even try the pills how can you say you want to get better, I can not come to your house every day and make you take them"

I may be getting this all wrong but, I think being depressed and having even one moment a week where you actually enjoy yourself is better that taking pills that make you feel like a damn Zombie all the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((aurora))) if ok. you deserve support and to feel safe, not pressure and selfishness around you. Im sorry :(

favorite comment from my experiences was when I first reached out to people I knew, not for support but because they were close to me and mutual friends with my ab*ser and I thought they would be willing to help keep him away from me. Not only did they not really believe me that there was a problem, but one friend I was particularly close with got mad and started yelling at me for confronting the ab*ser without abiding by the bogus rules that HE set down.

Its laughable, really.

Edited by daylily

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From the first person i told, my best friend of 10 years "your lying. I know your family and i know your uncle he would never do something like that hes a good person". Oh im sorry i guess you know him better than me!

From the same friend: "if it was true you would have told your parents" and "even if it is true, its your own fault it went on for so long, if you had told someone it would have stopped so you have only yourself to blame".

Another friend "get over it. I know heaps of people who have been raped snd they r fine. Toughen up".

My boyfriend "you need to get over it. Its in the past. It was 3 years ago you need to move on with your life".

Edited by SummerSky

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right after I told my friend what happened I had lunch w/ her and she said " i think everything happens for a reason even bad things like what happened to you". I wanted to hit her and say 'i'm glad you think i was raped for a reason'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

how about "Felony rape is a very serious accusation, and violent rape even more of a depraved act of inhumanity" (like I don't know that) followed by various attempts to convince you that you are making it up...

or "People don't act like/ feel like that the day after being raped." (so, you must be lying...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites