Top 10 Stupidest Comments

[troubleinparadise]

Etheris, that's horrible. I'm sorry he said that to you!!

I thought my boyfriend should know, so I told him about what had happened to me.

He said "Wow, what a depressing conversation. I was hoping to get laid. Can we do that now?"

Thanks for the support, jerkface! He's dating someone else now and she's welcome to him!!

One of my best friends told me "I'm glad you've been through shit and I'm glad you've had rough times. It has made you a better person." I think she meant it in a supportive way...but that's really not how it came out.

I'm sure there must've been an easier way to make me a "better person"!!

Edited November 22, 2010 by troubleinparadise

[Angel_Kitty]

From my brother: Victims are only victims because that is what they want...the way they want to be treated.

Ugh Cat5, I'm sorry you had to hear that crap. I'm getting a lot of the same thing.

[ftp2010]

I got "it could have been worse"

OMG, I got that as well after telling a friend my daughter was SA'd a couple of weeks ago. I didn't even know what to say when she said "it could've been worse". I'm pretty sure she meant the SA could've been worse, because she knows about my own SA which, unlike my daughter's, was very violent. So I didn't make a big deal of it or even reply, because I think she may have meant that although it's horrible, we could be hopeful that my daughter would not suffer through the aftermath I've endured. However, although I understand, I was not ready to hear that at that moment.

I agree with another poster that the worst things I've heard, in dealing with mine and my daughters (which of course has been the biggest trigger I could have imagined), are: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"....WANNA BET??!!! Let's see, my father-in-law died 2 years ago, then over the past two years my grandma, stepmom, and stepdad have all passed. Then my mom became severely mentally ill, to the point that there is no part of "my mom" left in her. I tried to take care of her for 7 months with no help, despite begging for help, while working full-time, going to school full-time, and being a wife and mother of two. Needless to say, I ended up having emergency surgery due to an illness caused by stress. The latest of course, was finding out about my daughter's SA...I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say God gave me more than anyone can handle in a two year span. This is just the past two years, which doesn't include my SA, or any of the other twisted, horrible stuff that happened to me as a child.

Worse than that, I've heard many times in the past, that if terrible things happen to you it's because you don't have a close relationship with God or because you are being made to pay for past wrongs...I'd sure like to know what I've done to deserve all of this??? These two comments are what led me down a path of questioning God's existence. I have a very hard time believing a fair, just, and loving God would allow all of this (or make all of this, according to some) happen to me, or my completely innocent daughter, for that matter. I actually heard a man say on the news a few months ago during an interview about his missing daughter being found alive, that it was because of his prayers and close relationship with God. So the parents that never find their children, or don't find them alive, didn't pray hard enough, were not good Christian people, or were not close enough to God??? I think not!!! I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive, but I think this kind of arrogance and lack of empathy and compassion is anything but "Christian".

[ftp2010]

I'm sorry, I guess I accidently posted the same thing twice.

Edited December 11, 2010 by ftp2010

[Etheris]

Etheris, that's horrible. I'm sorry he said that to you!!

I thought my boyfriend should know, so I told him about what had happened to me.

He said "Wow, what a depressing conversation. I was hoping to get laid. Can we do that now?"

Thanks for the support, jerkface! He's dating someone else now and she's welcome to him!!

One of my best friends told me "I'm glad you've been through shit and I'm glad you've had rough times. It has made you a better person." I think she meant it in a supportive way...but that's really not how it came out.

I'm sure there must've been an easier way to make me a "better person"!!

Ack. The first one is just outright awful. To be honest, I feel the same way about myself as the person who made the 2nd comment feels about you, but other people have no right to make those kinds of judgements and my SA wasn't exactly the worst I've heard of, so I'd probably feel differently if it had been as bad as what happened to you.

*Hugs* Sorry about your friend and ex.

[troubleinparadise]

Etheris,

I know what you mean about the second comment. I'm so glad you see yourself that way! My experiences have certainly made me a different person than I was before...I've learned a lot, but I'm not sure they made me a better person. I guess the reason it ruffled me so much was ...well, how can somebody be glad that their best friend was SA'd? I wasn't good enough before so being SA'd made me better?? I know she didn't mean it that way. I know it's my own illogical thought patterns that have skewed what she meant. I know she meant to be supportive and I really, really appreciate that she tried. But it just was so not what I needed to hear at the time.

I also wanted to mention that everybody's experience with SA is different. There is no "better" or "worse", I don't think - it's awful that this has happened to any of us, in any form. Pandy's is a place to share, not compare...nobody will judge your story here. You deserve all the support and compassion that this place has to offer.

Thank you for your kind words and I hope you're taking gentle care if ok

troubleinparadise

[Etheris]

Etheris,

I know what you mean about the second comment. I'm so glad you see yourself that way! My experiences have certainly made me a different person than I was before...I've learned a lot, but I'm not sure they made me a better person. I guess the reason it ruffled me so much was ...well, how can somebody be glad that their best friend was SA'd? I wasn't good enough before so being SA'd made me better?? I know she didn't mean it that way. I know it's my own illogical thought patterns that have skewed what she meant. I know she meant to be supportive and I really, really appreciate that she tried. But it just was so not what I needed to hear at the time.

I also wanted to mention that everybody's experience with SA is different. There is no "better" or "worse", I don't think - it's awful that this has happened to any of us, in any form. Pandy's is a place to share, not compare...nobody will judge your story here. You deserve all the support and compassion that this place has to offer.

Thank you for your kind words and I hope you're taking gentle care if ok

troubleinparadise

*Hugs back*

[gospel of lilith]

People said a lot of nasty things to me but two really stuck with me.

I gathered up the courage to tell my on-again-off-again boyfriend that I was raped. He was the first person I told face to face. He seemed confused, then with a look of dawning comprehension he said,

"Oh, you mean he did you a favor."

No he stupid well didn't, he raped me.

A few years later at work I told someone I was raped. And then came the most confusing, most hurtful comment--

"Who would even want to rape you?"

Because apparently rape is about lust and only hot girls get raped. That comment still makes me nauseous.

[TheMoonAndTheSky]

how about,

"life goes on", "get over it", "your focusing on it too much", its like you want to start some sh**, your gonna destroy our family. etc

[aspidistra]

The worst I've heard is, "Worse things have happened to better people."

Honestly - who SAYS that to anyone??? About any problem, let alone sexual abuse...

~Maggie

[missmaggie]

My T Pat recently told me that parts of my story don't add up like the fact that even though he had a knife, he didn't use it on me, and also when he was done he told me to count to sixty and then I could go. I just sat there open mouthed looking at her. I seriously almost got up and walked out. I then found out that in all her office notes she said that in my last session I was happy, and well functioning, and all signs of PTSD were gone, and I appeared to be a normal healthy well functioning individual, and it was all because of her. I have seen her a total of three times over a period of 5 months because she goes out of town and can only see me when it is convenient for her. needless to say...FIRED!

Edited January 3, 2011 by missmaggie

[ftp2010]

My T Pat recently told me that parts of my story don't add up like the fact that even though he had a knife, he didn't use it on me, and also when he was done he told me to count to sixty and then I could go. I just sat there open mouthed looking at her. I seriously almost got up and walked out. I then found out that in all her office notes she said that in my last session I was happy, and well functioning, and all signs of PTSD were gone, and I appeared to be a normal healthy well functioning individual, and it was all because of her. I have seen her a total of three times over a period of 5 months because she goes out of town and can only see me when it is convenient for her. needless to say...FIRED!

Miss Maggie, my mouth dropped open as well reading your post. It literally made me sick to my stomach. It seems you unfortunately found one of those T's that is in it for the money and to pat herself on the back. She is not there to genuinely help people; she just wants tick marks of success on her record. It makes me sick!!! What she said to you is, in my opinion, almost as abusive as what was done to you that led you to seeing her in the first place. I wish they would take away her license just based on your experience so she is not able to continue doing this to others. It's bad enough that victims of SA sometimes have to deal with friends, family, and the justice system not believing their story, but to finally seek help and have that person not believe you is just ridiculous. I sincerely hope you can find a "REAL" T that will help you. I wish you the best and know you will find the right T. Please don't give up until you find them and get the help and support you deserve.

[GildedGirl]

I still have nightmares about it. My sister was always a little sadistic, but not the worst offender in my life. But she delivered the absolutely worst secondary wounding of anyone.

"It happens to one in three women, so of course you were -- I wasn't and mom wasn't, so of course you were."

"Funny, I was always jealous of you because you were the pretty one."

And that was just the opening act. I tried to clarify and reconcile, and in return was yelled at, hung up on (told I was to blame for that behavior), told I was lying, told I'm not stable, etc. The usual.

When people are confronted with cruel or bullying behaviors, I have learned, the reaction is very predictable. The unkind person calls the confronter names and/or says they are not mentally / emotionally stable.

The pretense is that they "mean well" -- that they mean to be helpful and supportive. I've learned that in fact they are simply being extremely defensive, sometimes so much so that they go on attack. That is why these comments hurt. They are attacks, even when the attacker claims otherwise.

Edited January 5, 2011 by GildedGirl

[FloweringRose]

Well, the stupid comments off the top of my head all come from the ex.

1) "Oh I'm so hurt because a jerk like you took my virginity. At least I got yours...oh wait, never mind, your dad beat me to it."

.....

2) (Not exact wording but the gist of it) "Wait I think I get it. So when you were a child you were ab*sed by your dad, you repressed it and went along your life feeling fine and good...then you met me, then you met that guy in France, and you thought "My god, I don't want to be hurt anymore" and you came right back to me. Yet I was just waiting for you, because I knew I could take advantage of what happened and you're confused because you thought I was different"

"Uhhh... that's pretty accurate. Why??"

"Oh just pointing out fact. next topic."

3) Don't you know that I wouldn't have had s*x with you if I didn't love you? I just wanted you to chase me around, I thought it was cute. You shouldn't need my words to know I love you, you should just know. (comment when I approached him about the r*pes and I asked him if he loved me so much, why did he always say he hated me and I was a b**ch etc.

4) "How dare you talk to me about that! So what if I did, this type of stuff stays between couples and this is for me and C*** to sort out. You're not the one in love" (My best friend approached him about the last SA and this was his response. Ooooh boy)

Okay and three more from others.

4) (After friend pressured me what's wrong and I told him I was r*ped) Eww. I thought you were going to tell me something else. That's just gross.

5) (A therapist) "Okay well it seems to me you keep getting yourself into dangerous situations. So let's work on how we can stop you from doing this to yourself."

"Excuse me, we were sitting in his house and he just threw me onto the bed. How was I supposed to expect that?"

"I understand that, but we still really need to change you so this stops happening. I mean if a woman walks down an alley by herself, that's not good right? So let's figure that out." If I remember correctly, she did ask me if I sent him mixed signals after -.-' Oh boy.

6) He R*PED you? Omg, come here ******, you've got to hear about this, C*** has the wildest life EVER! I wish I had as wild a life as her.

(I'm dead f***ing serious. I wish I wasn't. That scene was a complete joke)

[Camellia]

A few months ago at a bridesmaid's party by an old Christian lady. I don't know how it came up, I know I didn't say anything about myself.

She asked in a loud voice, "Were you sexually assaulted?" We were all in a small area so I know that at least 7 people must have heard.

Since I am unashamed of my past I replied with a simple yes.

To which she responded, "Well you have to forgive him! The Lord Jesus forgives you."

I told her it was very difficult and she was sympathetic to that aspect but was quite set that I have to forgive him. And then she told me a story of how a Christian female doctor who was raped in South Africa prayed all night, forgave her perpetrators, put away her fears and went back to that country to treat its citizens.

I wasn't angry. The story wowed me and I knew that she wouldn't understand the pain/stress caused by telling me that I had to forgive my perp. (Many Christians who press forgiveness upon us believe: The abuser's lack of repentance is immaterial since Jesus will forgive us as we forgive others. And in any case, because of our belief in Him, he forgives us for sins that we don't realize we have committed. Those are the two tenets, I believe.)

I was a bit bothered but could manage it because I had decided a while back that forgiveness is not my priority at the moment. (The moment has lasted a few years. )

That's it. I thought I'd share.

My head is cramping up so I guess I am getting ...depressed...

Thanks for letting me share and I am truly sorry that all of you have heard terrible comments.

Camellia

ed. to make sure that I don't believe the two Christian tenets posted above. Seriously, forgiveness is not an issue with me. I have better things to do.

Edited March 25, 2011 by Camellia

[a_lost_smile]

An ex Boyfriend(were together when he said this,just after telling him i was r*ped) - Oh really,did he make you finish?(Orgasm) Im not to sure why he asked this.It however made me burst into tears.

My Employer - Aren't you over all this nonsense yet.Grow up. Oh yes i'll just become mature and then i'll be ok!

Another Employer - But you've slept with someone since it happened.How can u want to ever have sex again..rape victims dont have sex.Sorry,I never realise you knew so much about how u feel after rape.

Friend - But at least you were an adult,you didnt get abused as a child.Thats ok then i guess?!

Friend - Why didn't you stop him? Surely IF i could have stopped him..Rape would probably not of occured.

Friend - after showing her his picture on Fb. He doesnt exactly look like a rapist,he's good looking Apparently all rapists must be old with a beard according to her..and dodgy looking.

[Belle328]

The things that people say regarding this topic are just amazing. It's hard to believe people would actually say these things.

This is by far the worst I've heard:

I had told one of my friends about it and she was very supportive at first. One day we went to the mall and out of nowhere she goes "I wonder what it's like to be raped?"

WTF is that kind of question? Who asks that? *sarcasm* Because of course it's such a wonderful experience *sarcasm*

I was dumbfounded and when I didn't say anything, she just sort of laughed and apologized for asking that. I went home shortly after and needless to say we aren't friends anymore. I still cannot believe she actually said that. It disgusts me.

[burninginside]

<p>Another friend once referred to the rape as "when you were with [so and so]." As if we were dating or something! Oy.<p>L<p>(Edited by Elle at 3:28 pm on Feb. 24, 2003)

i got that one too from a now ex-friend once

From my brother: Victims are only victims because that is what they want...the way they want to be treated.

that is a pretty stupid comment. but *maybe* it really did sound better in his head than it did coming out of his mouth. i don't know your brother obviously and maybe it really was insensitivity on his part. is there any possibility though that he meant something along the lines of you-can-choose-to-be-a-victim-or-you-can-choose-to-be-a-survivor, and that after the fact you can only be a "victim"if you want to be (if that makes any sense). still "the way they want to be treated" doesn't add up.

I got "it could have been worse"

OMG, I got that as well after telling a friend my daughter was SA'd a couple of weeks ago. I didn't even know what to say when she said "it could've been worse". I'm pretty sure she meant the SA could've been worse, because she knows about my own SA which, unlike my daughter's, was very violent. So I didn't make a big deal of it or even reply, because I think she may have meant that although it's horrible, we could be hopeful that my daughter would not suffer through the aftermath I've endured. However, although I understand, I was not ready to hear that at that moment.

I agree with another poster that the worst things I've heard, in dealing with mine and my daughters (which of course has been the biggest trigger I could have imagined), are: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"....WANNA BET??!!! Let's see, my father-in-law died 2 years ago, then over the past two years my grandma, stepmom, and stepdad have all passed. Then my mom became severely mentally ill, to the point that there is no part of "my mom" left in her. I tried to take care of her for 7 months with no help, despite begging for help, while working full-time, going to school full-time, and being a wife and mother of two. Needless to say, I ended up having emergency surgery due to an illness caused by stress. The latest of course, was finding out about my daughter's SA...I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say God gave me more than anyone can handle in a two year span. This is just the past two years, which doesn't include my SA, or any of the other twisted, horrible stuff that happened to me as a child.

Worse than that, I've heard many times in the past, that if terrible things happen to you it's because you don't have a close relationship with God or because you are being made to pay for past wrongs...I'd sure like to know what I've done to deserve all of this??? These two comments are what led me down a path of questioning God's existence. I have a very hard time believing a fair, just, and loving God would allow all of this (or make all of this, according to some) happen to me, or my completely innocent daughter, for that matter. I actually heard a man say on the news a few months ago during an interview about his missing daughter being found alive, that it was because of his prayers and close relationship with God. So the parents that never find their children, or don't find them alive, didn't pray hard enough, were not good Christian people, or were not close enough to God??? I think not!!! I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive, but I think this kind of arrogance and lack of empathy and compassion is anything but "Christian".

so sorry about your daughter. i wish you and her all the strength in the world. i agree with your last paragraph, it angers me too.

An ex Boyfriend(were together when he said this,just after telling him i was r*ped) - Oh really,did he make you finish?(Orgasm) Im not to sure why he asked this.It however made me burst into tears.

My Employer - Aren't you over all this nonsense yet.Grow up. Oh yes i'll just become mature and then i'll be ok!

Another Employer - But you've slept with someone since it happened.How can u want to ever have sex again..rape victims dont have sex.Sorry,I never realise you knew so much about how u feel after rape.

Friend - But at least you were an adult,you didnt get abused as a child.Thats ok then i guess?!

Friend - Why didn't you stop him? Surely IF i could have stopped him..Rape would probably not of occured.

Friend - after showing her his picture on Fb. He doesnt exactly look like a rapist,he's good looking Apparently all rapists must be old with a beard according to her..and dodgy looking.

all those examples just made my jaw drop

[katie_digi]

Today I was reading a response online from a zen master from my area. He was writing about the subject of fear:

"The continual results of fear create further unconscious actions that give you further reasons to be fearful. It is a continual circle. The question is how to break the circle.

When wolves were discovered in the village of Master Sojo's temple, Sojo entered the graveyard nightly for one week and sat in Za Zen. This put a stop to the wolves prowling. Overjoyed, the villagers asked him to describe his secret--the secret rites he had performed. 'I didn't have to resort to such things,' he said. 'Nor could I have done so. While I was in Za Zen, a number of wolves gathered around me, licking the tip of my nose and sniffing my windpipe. But because I remained in the right state of mind, I wasn't bitten. As I keep preaching to you, the proper state of no-mind will make it possible for you to be free in life and death, invulnerable to fire and water, even wolves are powerless against you. I simply practice what I preach.'

Sojo was able to create emptiness. In sitting in the graveyard there was no indication of any emotiondivine detachment. In order for anyone to become aggressive it has to be balanced with fear from the other. So the aggressor needs to create fear in the other. And the more fear they can create, the more aggression they can perform. Again, it's the natural balance of the mundane. This is what attackers, muggers, people on the street who attack, rape and so on do--this is what creates the aggression in them. This is what they need, in order to be aggressive, they need the other's fear. "

So if you are fearless that will save you from being raped? If I looked at my attacker calmly and firmly with no thoughts in my mind, would he have stopped attacking? I know that to be untrue because during most of that experience I was in a no-mind state, just to survive, just to get through that moment.

Reading that today made me so angry. I almost want to find him and ask him about it...

[Purplebloom]

Mine isn't really a comment but it's still stupid. I have been with my husband for 16 years and through therapy have just started coming to terms with my past abuse, so from advice from my therapist I decide to "own what happened" instead of pretending it didn't and tell my husband aobut it. His reaction was to shake his head and say nothing. No emotion, nothing........... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??????

[loveinflames]

Mine isn't really a comment but it's still stupid........... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??????

hey purple bloom,

I had a similar experience with a guy I was dating. I had just remembered what happened to me, we were in his bedroom and had just had sex. I was crying (have sex triggered a huge emotional response) and I told him "I think I have been r***ed" and he just looked at me, scowled and shook his head. A bit later he commented "I think you should handle this on your own, I don't want to deal with it."

His response hurt me so much. I can't imagine how much that reaction would hurt after being married to someone for sixteen years. if it's okay

[Purplebloom]

Mine isn't really a comment but it's still stupid........... WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??????

hey purple bloom,

I had a similar experience with a guy I was dating. I had just remembered what happened to me, we were in his bedroom and had just had sex. I was crying (have sex triggered a huge emotional response) and I told him "I think I have been r***ed" and he just looked at me, scowled and shook his head. A bit later he commented "I think you should handle this on your own, I don't want to deal with it."

His response hurt me so much. I can't imagine how much that reaction would hurt after being married to someone for sixteen years. if it's okay

[Purplebloom]

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine realizing it and in that very moment someone being so mean. I LOVE my therapist because he has givenme a safe place to talk about what happened to me. My husband is on my poo list right now, but at least the first time I spoke it out, the person listening tried to understand. I hope he thinks back about that day and feels terrible for what he did to you.

[Lyla]

I may have said this before.

I still get catty underhanded comments from my ma.

She was talking about an acquaintance who had been brutally, and repeatedly raped in childhood, and she said, "if you're abused and you suffer from depression like that, you are just weak."

Other times she just plays games with the truth. I was hospitalized for depression and she denied it, and told me it never happened. Then she will switch to chastising me for getting hospitalized, "oh it's just your fault."

This is pretty stupid to me because a. if you are raped, experiencing depression afterwards is usually pretty common, and b. severe forms of clinical depression, or more severe forms of mental illness often have a trigger such as abuse.

I guess I think people make catty stupid remarks because in order to open up, they feel they will reveal themselves, or show some, weak, vulnerable, or perhaps flawed side of their self.

I think my mother's comments come from knowing she is responsible for some of my suffering, and if she just bitterly, and staunchly denies it, then she doesn't have to be responsible.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Lyla

[Lyla]

Another more recent comment came from my bf...

To make a long story short he began raving that I probably fear getting raped by Splugo from the Yugoslavian mountains.

Let's just say I caught my boyfriend doing something red handed, and when I said it was totally inappropriate, that's what he came up with. No Splugo wasn't over for a visit either.

Again when someone feels guilty about something they will say the dumbest things.