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Guest tkb

Afraid to post?

93 posts in this topic

Just seeing if this works and if I can do it. Hello from here.  Very nervous and unsure but here.Whoever reads this-Take care and be gentle.

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Welcome to the board, Ruth!

Hugs,

Jes

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I think I might be able to find a way to post.  Its easier if I come back and check replies after some time..I am very scared of the responses but I think posting is one thing and then noting a response requires something else.Like someone has seen me and that has always been difficult because I did not know it before the last while and I need to get used to that.  Itis a lovely autumn morning here in ireland.  Wishing all happy sleeps.

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Just to say to out there that I am so exhausted of all the hurt and pain and I am so tired of recovery.  Its been a long,long time.

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And here I thought I was the only one who didn't want to post - but felt I needed to if I wanted others to post to me.  So . . . I started out with a "BANG" . . . posting replies to every post I could - and checked at least 456137 times a day - only to find nobody responded.  

I was devastated.  Then I re-read my posts - they were filled with ME and MY problems, not trying to help others. . . so I left the site - and stopped coming here because I had far too much pain and nobody wanted to hear it because they had pain too. I didn't want to make myself unwelcome - yet that is what I felt. It was easier for me to walk away from it and bury it (like the "incident") but one can only bury so much til you can't pile anything more in the hole because it's full.

You are the only ones (other than a couple of faceless names on the net) who seemed to care - who didn't judge me and say "That couldn't have happened".  I felt safe here. I don't feel safe in many places any more because to them I'm a liar - to them I made up the whole "story".  I see now that there are others who feel as I did - they didn't belong here - yet they needed to be here.

How I long for a real live person I can talk to without fear of judgement.  Until then, YOU are it . . . thanks for being there.

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Anybody know how I can chat?  I feel like Id really like to just sit and watch the chat..

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Anybody know how I can chat?  I feel like Id really like to just sit and watch the chat..

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What a great post.  I culdn't have written it better myself.  You putinto words exactly what I've been feeling since I found this place yesterday.  In fact I just posted on another board soley for the purpose of saying "here I am" and "please know I'm here".  I thought I was alone.  I guess not.  Thank you.

Elisabeth

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It is hard when you feel you are alone - that nobody cares - and those who do cannot believe you.  Just know, Elisa, that there are a LOT of us out there with the same pain you have - myself included.  While none of us can ever truly understand the pain YOUR situation brought to you, we CAN understand the depth of pain that all of us are feeling in our own little "hells".

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Thanks for starting this thread, Aoife.

I joined this board after Fran did and she mentioned that I should. I just keep waiting for the 'nerve' to post what's bothering me. I get occasional posts out there but I keep harboring this fear that I'll be scorned or something. I know...it doesn't make a lot of sense considering what I've experienced here at Pandy's.

I guess most of my issue with posting is finding the strength or need to pull everything out into the open and let it hang there. *grins* now if only I can convince myself that I'll leave the post up for longer than five minutes. :)

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there are days when i force myself away from the computer...bacause i depend too much on the replies from others to my posts.

i want to thank every one for being so supportive, and to say that when i reply to your posts with more of my own experiences and problems, i'm not saying that your pain less important than mine. it's a bad habit i have, negatively comparing myself to others so that they can feel better about themselves....it's also a selfish grab at pity and love from others, but i don't like to admit that.

anyways, i do feel so much stronger since joining Pandy's...i wish i could offer fantastic words of wisdom, of comfort and support, as some of you seem to have a natural instinct to do... i'm just not strong enough yet, so i will give you all

((((((hugs)))))

~bailey

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bailey- i wanted to say i totally understand what you are saying here- i think - as much as we all hate to admit it- there is a part of us all that needs others' pity and attention and that is sometimes why we post replies to other peoples' topics. I think that is just natural. We care about what the other person is going through but we also need to compare our story to theirs- building them up in the process and somehow I think it makes us feel better about ourselves in a weird kind of way- probably because most of us are so used to being disrespectful of ourselves. I don't know if this makes any sense at all- I may not be getting out what I am trying to say! But anyway, keep responding when you can and don't worry about why you are responding. It helps the other person- no matter what you say. Take care, Brandi

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I know for me that it is soooo much easier to reply to a post then it is for me to begin one with myself in mind.  I'm getting better at it, but it is still a challenge.  I think, at least for me, I feel much safer in replying and trying to support someone else because I have not ever been real good at self-care or nurturing.  However, I do find that in most of my replies I am giving that particular individual much of the same support/advice/nurturing as I would give myself if I could.  Does that make any sense?  So that in some way I am looking inward and giving myself support at the same time, just that I don't necessarily have to acknowledge it as being directed at "me".  It's my co-dependency shining through I suppose but I do get a pay off for replying and feeling that I have helped someone else.  

Lisa

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i feel too inadequate and useless to respond to people's posts, even when i know i have something i really would like to say: i think it is very selfish of me and i am sure i would drain. i am intensely shy and scared to post, a fear of rejection or something like that. same in real life just sorta quiet. i dunno. i feel stupid even posting this.. like i feel guilty, im so stupid. i just do not want to make fuss or go on when there are so many people who really are in pain i feel like i have no right, if that makes sense.

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Thankyou for your post, you have put into words how I am feeling.  this is only my third day here and there is so much that I want to say, but am afraid to say it.  thankyou for letting me know that I am not alone and that everyone feels that way at the beginning.  I know with time I will find the strength to post more and let some of the feelings out.   thankyou

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it seems I posted my ramblings in the wrong place,, again lol,,,,

[url="http://www.welcometobarbados.org/CGI-BIN/ikonboard/topic.cgi?forum=1&topic=12273"]http://www.welcometobarbados.org/CGI-BIN/i...amp;topic=12273[/url]

frenchie

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Sometimes i feel like i will say the wrong thing, and then even hugs seem wrong.  I really want to help people or aleast give support.
And i just wanted to let people know that don't be afraid to let me know what you think,feel about my posts. And if you ever feel ive said something wrong, PM me with what it was.
((((hugs to everone)))))

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I've just registered, and am finding it very difficult to write about my own experiences - feelings of guilt because the sexual abuse endured as from the age of four gave me pleasure, so how can I term all that followed for so many years as rape?

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I never thought I would have such a hard time posting about my story. But I guess I do. Not an easy thing to do. This thread at least breaks the ice alittle.

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Hi..My name is Melissa. I am a victim of rape and raising my daughter who was conceived from it. She is 8, turning 9 and has started asking about her dad. I have tried to dodge this for years, but can't any longer. I am not going to tell her right now about what happened. I am waiting until she is a bit older to explain it to her. I am one who will not lie to my daughter and feels she needs to know, for the fear she will find out from someone else. I have never ever brought up her father and she has made it in her mind that her father was mean to me, and she says she is different from all the other kids, because she doesn't know her dad and that he hates her. This is tearing me apart. I have dealt with the pain by myself for 9 years now. It is all coming back and making things very hard to deal with. I do not want to destroy her. She is so beautiful and I truly believe she was sent to me from God. She is such an angel, I look at her and think how can something so brutual make something so absolutely beautiful? She has a huge heart. I love her to pieces, I am sad to admit that I did sort of push her aside when she was first born. It took me over a year to fully bond with her. As she got older I realized she is just a baby and she did not ask to be brought into this world and she surely does not need to be hated or regreted. Since then I have watched the most beautiful smartes little girl develop. But now, it seems as this awful horrible ghost is coming back to haunt me. I thought about lying, mainly for my own sanity. But I can't do that. If that one day comes along that she were to find out what happened. I could never forgive myself for lying to her. I was raped by a life long friends new step-brother. I went into denial and almost gave my baby girl up for adoption, but knew that I could not live with that decision. So there is a slim chance that one day this all could come to light with her. Her father knows that she exists, through my friend, whom I do not speak to anymore. It caused terrible conflict in her family. My friend was there for me and by my side but his family had different ideas. To them it was my fault it happened. Things got so rough that it really was a problem and I walked away from my life long friend. I am not the best at handling issues. I usually just deny it or try to forget it ever happened. But now I am faced with trying to explain to my daughter she is not different. Anyone else raising a child in this situation? I am so scared, lost, and totally confused.

Melissa

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Okay, so am one of the afraid people.  I really just stumbled upon this site, looking for song lyrics of all things.  I am reaching my one year anniversary of when my rape began, and still can't talk about it.

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