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Afraid to post?

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Hey all

We were speaking in chat the other day about feelings of unworthiness around posting. Some here clearly feel for whatever reason that they are unable to post for themselves, or feel that their responses to other people would not be wanted/correct.

I started this thread because I wanted to provide a space for people to talk about this a little. I know that this may seem slightly weird, asking people to post about being afraid to post, but hopefully a few people this concerns will be able to talk through their issues around this.

When I first came here I was mortally afraid of posting. I felt that as a baby in healing I had no business offering my opinion. I felt that everyone was wiser than me, and I should just go away and forget about it. I also felt selfish and stupid for asking questions for myself, for reaching out with my own pain. When I did post I would check 456137 times a day, hoping that SOMEONE had resonded. I compared the number of responses that I received with others, and felt unwanted and unloveable.

I thank my lucky stars for the generous and kind people that did respond to my first, tentative requests for support and information. Now I'm not a newbie anymore, I see things differently. I know that I don't respond to every post out of a lack of love of concern for others, but rather because I've finally worked out that if I don't practise self-care then no amount of support or validation from others will ever help me heal. I know my own limitations: sometimes I have loads of energy to write long rambles to lots of folk, and other times (like recently) I've needed to take care of my own pain.

I see everyone here as being important and valuable. Everyone has valid things to say. Fresh opinions and input are always welcome.

If you are in the position of feeling worthless, alone, and scared of posting, then please consider dropping a few lines in here. You may find yourself reassured that you ARE important, welcome, and a member of this family.

:)

Aoife

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Thank you for posting that, it's comforting.

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(((((Aoife)))))

Wow this brings up memories from when i first came here. I was so afraid to post, i was so afraid to even introduce myself muchless ask for help.

Sometimes i go through small patterns of not wanting to post but i push myself to do so, i guess that fear of being and always have been rejected has its way of coming back up no matter how much love you feel. Or possibly the fear that you may hurt someone with whatever you are feeling at the moment, when in some different universe atleast 10 ppl understand exactly where it is that you are coming from while many others just plain can relate.

I used to beg that my post would disappear into page 3 or soemthing then die an utter embarressment when i saw it was back at the top of page 1. Sometimes i even still beg for whatever i threw together to just disappear or wish that i had never written whatever it was i was feeling at the moment.

I think i could go on and on about this, lol not exactly a few sentences huh hun? ;)

(((hugs)))

Donna =)

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*t* for cussing

<i>I think i could go on and on about this, lol not exactly a few sentences huh hun? </i>

I'm afraid that I've had to put a black mark against your name in my secret 'book of disapproval for not following instructions'. [grins]

Yep, I still feel like a complete dork for some of my posts. The more revealing ones still inspire massive butterflies until one person has responded not saying I'm a stupid bitch.

It's getting progressively less and less scary though. Which is good because otherwise I would have had a heart attack/ulcer by now.

:)

Aoife

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Quote:

When I first came here I was mortally afraid of posting. I felt that as a baby in healing I had no business offering my opinion. I felt that everyone was wiser than me, and I should just go away and forget about it. I also felt selfish and stupid for asking questions for myself, for reaching out with my own pain. When I did post I would check 456137 times a day, hoping that SOMEONE had resonded. I compared the number of responses that I received with others, and felt unwanted and unloveable.

WOW!!!

This is EXACTLY how I felt when I first came here. Still do as a matter of fact. I just posted an "I AM BACK" post and it is all I can do to not whine to myself that only two people have noticed. I know in my head that it is NOT the case. But there is that little voice that says "well, I guess no one noticed you were even GONE". At least I know I am not alone and not stupid. :-)

It has been difficult to post here but I am so glad that I did it. I hope that your wonderful message will help others to learn that it is ok to post.

Thanks to you! You are a gem!

Love,

Michelle (who is glad to be back)

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(((((Aoife)))))

Thanks for this.  :)  Can you imagine with all the posts I start, there are alot I'm too afraid to?  :P  you should all be thankful that I'm afraid.  :) who wants to hear the rants, right?  So here I go off on a weird tangent.

There are so many times that I say to myself, no one cares what I think.  That edit feature is my best friend.

I'm so glad others feel the same way I do.  (What a relief)

(((hugs)))

Laney

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I just came to this site yesterday and I was too scared to post until I read this message. It makes me feel welcome, that others are just as nervous as me. Even though I don't think I'm really prepared to talk about me just yet.

thank you

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Brilliantly said, Aiofe!

May I suggest that you consider moving this to the wonderful threads forum when it has run it's course here?

XXOO

J

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Hi everyone,

             i've been here for a while and i find it hard to post sometimes. i'm sure, in time i'll start to open up alittle but it's just so awkward at the moment. Anytime i respond to a topic in this forum no other people post after me. It feels like every time i post the thread dies!!lol! its scary for me coz i'm not sure if i offend people with what i say. I would NEVER hurt anyone here and i'm so scared that i will. Anyway, i think i'm starting to get a little better at posting so hopefully i'll get to know some of u in the future:)!I hope someone responds to this thread after me coz i think i need to know that people can see me here!! lol!

 This is a great topic btw and thanks so much, uve all made me realise that i'm not alone here ;)!

Love,((((hugs))))+bestwishes,

            StellaXxXxXx

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Quote:

When I first came here I was mortally afraid of posting. I felt that as a baby in healing I had no business offering my opinion. I felt that everyone was wiser than me, and I should just go away and forget about it. I also felt selfish and stupid for asking questions for myself, for reaching out with my own pain. When I did post I would check 456137 times a day, hoping that SOMEONE had resonded. I compared the number of responses that I received with others, and felt unwanted and unloveable.

Yes, I could have said that. That's exactly the way I felt and the way I still feel sometimes. The first time I answered to you in that post, I didn't dare to share my fear. I was afraid to post in the post "afraid to post?" very funny but true.

I'm getting ok about answering to people even if I have the feeling I never know to find the words to comfort other people.

But often it takes me about 3 days to decide myself to post about myself.

(((Aoife)))

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Wow, maybe this will work...

I am one of those that is afraid to post. Thank you Aoife for strating this! Maybe now I will feel like it is ok.

I love reading everyone posts and am very familar with the board, but when I go to reply I often just can't do it.   For a a while I have felt like I was in a weird place. A lot of you know me from the chat room, so I felt odd introducing myself.  On the other hand, those of you from the board have no idea who I am, so I felt odd responding.  But hey, now everyone knows me thanks to yet another of Aoife's wonderful threads!  There is so much knowledge and insight here.  Maybe now I can look forward to playing a more active role in this wonderful family.

Thanks everyone!

~Pen  

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Good idea Aoife!

I am still nervous about posting and responding sometimes!

It's not because of general nervousness anymore; I reckon that is all gone.

It is about self-esteem: Do I deserve to post? Will people hate me? Did I offend? Have I said some simultaneously unknowable yet incorrect and hurtful thing? Do people here secretly dislike me?

etc. etc. You get the picture.

So, my hesitation to respond and post is tied into my long-term shit. I know that I'm okay and worthy, but nevertheless I often struggle with really believing this.

Troy

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Oh yes.

I have thought and felt most of what was said in this thread. I sometimes am frightened (while posting a reply) of pissing someone off or offending them with any suggestions.  I imagine them thinking, "How could that stupid girl emma think that she knows how I am feeling, well enough, to actually offer any advice to this problem?" So I ususally end up either taking a million years to write a response because I delete everything again and again or I don't reply at all. Yet, I myself love to think about and consider the suggestions of others on my posts.  I love getting replys. I am sure that others on the board are the same way.

Also I have such low self esteem that I am terrified to actually offer what I think into any post that has to do with any anger or difference of opinon. I am so concerned that I be liked and accepted by EVERYONE on the board that I am ususally quiet, bordering on almost no personality.  I had to take a major step back from pandys for awhile and I still am pretty removed. I realize that I can never be loved and totally accepted by everyone on this board as there is no possible way.

I am getting better though, the other day I responed with a little force to a post that I saw. :) Still have a long way to go but I am trying. I need to aknowledge that if people don't like the things I have to say it has to be ok. I am still going to be a good person <<<<< OMG did I just say I was a "good person"?? hmm.  

As life goes on I need to learn to love myself.. we all do.

Even now as I write this I am a little weirded out by all the things I am talking about so openly right now. Just have to remember, I am still me.  Even if no one that reads this responce understands or relates to a thing I just wrote... I am still me.

Thanks Aofie wonderful warrior.

     

    ~ emma

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Hi.

I've posted a couple of replies to people but am still to scared to post about myself. To say that I don't feel worthy of anyone's love or affection is an understatement. Not to mention that I'm petrified that I'd be ignored or not welcome if I talked about myself. There's nothing more that I want to do than reach out. But I don't know how and don't know if I should.

Thanks for the thread, Aoife. No doubt I'll be checking this thread 456137 today!

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hey everyone,

wot an amazin post Aoife

!!

thanxs!

it's great to read n no im not the only one gettin those feelings n beginnig to think they were stupid.

like u lilmonster, i've poted s few replies n that, but thats about all..

yesterday was a shit day

..... u no just one of those day's.....'m sure u all understand but any way, i wrote out this whole like post thing explaining the goings on etc, n the deleted it...

scared of judgement, difference of opinions etc as so many other have said....

it is soo reashuring to know we've so glad to besaidto have been welcomed into this 'family', wot i lvly phrase!

till i get more guts

lv to u all

Jo xxxxx

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i am .. sooooooooooooooo scared

(at least i can say that much)

:(

when i do post here is when i've reached my wits end and can't take it anymore at all, so i jump over the fear

i read and i want to say i'm here for people, that i care, because i do

but i'm just .. too scared .. mostly

*eep*

*love*

chloe

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I agree with just about everything I've read in this thread.  There have been a few posts where I've gotten a lot of supportive replies and a few that seemed to just die.  Sometimes it seems like if your post is in one of the other categories, esp. toward the bottem, that virtually no one is going to read it or reply.  Or if your post is in this category it's going to quickly end up beneath a bunch of others.

It's really risky for me every time I post because I don't know if anyone will read it or reply and even though I can tell myself that it's nothing against me personally if no one responds, it still feels like rejection to me.

Also, sometimes I feel like there is a clique here of people who really know each other well and I feel like I'm not really part of it and that makes it kind of hard to post.

Thanks for this great thread.

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<i>Sometimes it seems like if your post is in one of the other categories, esp. toward the bottem, that virtually no one is going to read it or reply.  Or if your post is in this category it's going to quickly end up beneath a bunch of others. </i>

That is very true. Unfortunately that's the way the board works. The new forums have not been in place for very long, and traffic is picking up in them.

I guess it comes down to why you post. If you post because you're trying to work things out for you, or looking for words from others. I think that as time goes by, the replies of others become less important, as you start to feel more at home. I think that many many of us do have co-dependency issues, and that these can be severely exacerbated by the number of replies we get to posts.

<i>Also, sometimes I feel like there is a clique here of people who really know each other well and I feel like I'm not really part of it and that makes it kind of hard to post. </i>

It is true that lots of people here know others well. However, I don't think that there is anyone who wouldn't like to have more friends. Reach out to others, and you will quickly find friends.

Lollie, thanks for reaching out to so many in the SI forum. It is appreciated.

:)

Aoife

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Aoife I totally agree. When I first came here It was very hard to post, and I was always checking to see who replied to my post, wondering why some people didn't, wondering if people belived me. But now it's totally different. Posting can still be hard. Especially if it's personal. Like anything we say isn't personal. But if it's get's into real detail or topics that might be embarrassing, then it is still tough and even now I still feel like I am at a moments notice of being disregarded. But it never takes me long to realize how foolish I was for thinking that. Becuase everytime I have ever posted I've gotten the most amazing responses. And the amazing thing about them is that, I belive, they are filled with love. I don't worry anymore about the number of posts I get compared to the last post I made or to what someone else got. Becuase I know that here everyone belives me and wishes me the best:) I have been finding it especially hard to post on other peoples posts lately. I'm not sure why. I guess I just haven't had all that much to say. But the wonderful thing about this family is that there is always going to be someone who will be able to post and to know exactly where your coming from.

Nat

(Edited by natalie at 2:33 pm on Jan. 11, 2002)

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<i>Becuase I know that here everyone belives me and wishes me the best</i>

Nat, that's exactly it! You've hit the nail right on the head. We do all wish each other the best. And that's a pretty amazing feeling.

:)

Aoife

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Aonther great idea from your wondrous head Aoife my sister.

God how terrifying posting was as a newbie. I feel so much for others when I see that tentative fear operating in them. I used to read 100 times before hitting submit to make sure I didn't sound too know-allish, idiotic, wanky, needy etc.

You know, girls....I've been counting up the number of times I've posted in the last fortnight about me and thinking, "ok Lou time to reel it in a bit now, you've had enough attention...."

Yet always I'm glad I stepped over the fear and posted, because I feel so supported, immeasurably better. And that is once of the functions of this board, n'est ce pas?

I particularly want to address the little lady from England who has been writing to me. You'll know yourself, H. H is a guest who reads our posts but is sure that if she posted, nobody would respond because she isn't worth it.

I'm pretty sure you'll read this thread, and once again I ask you to reconsider, my friend. I know it's scary, but I guarantee you'll find support and friendship amongst the great people here.

Sisters, it's it's really important that we put out our thoughts...haven't we been silenced enough? And don't some of us continue to have such a dearth of support in our offline worlds?

What Natalie says is so true too; there's always somebody who will be able to know where you're coming from. It's amazed me that it doesn't matter what the problem is, somebody will always have some understanding of it.

It is true that some of us have come to know eachother well and forged friendships; that happens in all communities both virtual and offline. But I don't see it as exclusive or rejecting of new members....it often vexes me that it might be felt to be that way. I think it takes time to make a place like this your home, but in the meantime there are hands to help welcome you.

((((((Michelle))))) ((((((Pen))))))))) and ((((((others)))))) you are all incredibly important, and I suppose I've often wondered why you, Pen, don't post oftener....I know I smile when I see you on.

Lick those fears and get posting, friends, ok? This message board is for you.  

Love

Lou

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Thank-you Aoife for starting this thread,

I've found it very helpful..

I get really scared of posting, I always think that anyone who reads it will think what on earth is she complaining about,and I always feel like my replies to peoples posts aren't good enough and that I'm not worthy of offering any thoughts

Even though I'm close to a few people,I still feel like a bit of an intruder here, like there are groups of people who are very close, (like Lollie mentions above)and that I am butting in..

but I feel so grateful for the support I have got here, it is a wonderful place, and I thank everyone for making it so wonderful

Hayleyxxxxxxx

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Aoife,

Thanks for putting up this post, there are so many occasions I feel intimidated to post and I end up not posting as a result.  Either I'm whining about my own situations, afraid to discuss them, I'm not going to give "good enough" support to someone who needs it, add to that the fact that I have a hard time opening up to people in the first place, and well, there you have it.

I know that I'm not alone in some of these feelings, actually I assumed as much before I even read this post.  But it's still good to know that I'm not the only one.

(((hugs)))

Persephone

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yes,  hummmm.  something to think about  next time I don't feel like I can post or say something.

thank you  aoife

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