Brehiri

Is it rape if...?

38 posts in this topic

I agree with Susan and Lighthearted Andrew.  This happened to me, 10 years ago.   

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So, this is something that happened to me. I met a guy at his home to have sex. But, once I got inside I didn't feel comfortable being there and wanted to leave. He asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said, yes, because I was scared. He gave me something to get high and asked me to take my clothes off. I only took of my skirt and underwear because I didn't want him to see my boobs. He begged me to let him have sex without a condom. I gave in even though I wanted him to use it. He bent me over his bed and pulled my hair hard and slammed himself into me. I said, Ouch really loudly. I didn't want him to continue because he was being too rough. But, I panicked and didn't say anything else. he finished up and I left immediately. .... Is this considered rape? 

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Hi Monica,

Yes this is rape. He made it so you weren't able to say no, he got you high, he intimidated you. It wasn't a freely given yes. It is a normal reaction to panic and stay silent. You did what you had to do to survive this, to keep yourself as safe as possible, and that is so courageous. I'm so sorry he hurt you in this way, you didn't deserve it and it was not your fault.

You are so not alone with this, have you thought about joining the forums?

Sending strength and care :hug:
Brehiri

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Thanks for your reply Brehiri. I've been in denial about it. I just didn't want to admit as a woman in my 30's that I would be raped. I was raped at the age of 17 too. I thought I was smarter than that. But, it does not have to do with being smart or not. Both the men that raped me should not have done what they did. i remember thinking when I went to that guys house... he said he had been called in to work at the hospital. So, when I first got to his house i was under the impression we would not be having sex and that he was only going to give me something to get high and that was it. It was all a ploy and game and to him. oh my god. He did rape me. oh my god....... I need to report him. but, how? I don't remember what month it happened. i can look up the texts he sent me on my phone. It happened this year.

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Hi Monica,

You are so brave to be sharing all this and to be considering reporting. We have a lot of info in this forum, and we also have a forum called pursuing legal action on the main board (which you'd need to sign up to) where you can share your thoughts and get support. you can also read about others' experiences as they have gone through the process.

This must all be so raw right now. Please take gentle care you you :hug: You are worthy of support and care.

Brehiri

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My 2nd ex always asked me for sexual favors after he paid for me. Guess it was rape?

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I don't feel like my sexual assault is valid because it did not involve sex but he did forcefully finger me so I guess it something but I still feel like I should not talk about it because people had it worse

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I was in a situation recently where I got too drunk and an acquaintance walked me to my car and next thing I know we're in the back seat of my car. He asks if this is okay as he is taking my pants off. I was completely out of sorts and I think I said "OK" because I wasn't aware of what was happening. Next thing I know he's on top of me having sex. I went numb and had to take my mind somewhere else. At one point I hear him saying something about not having an STD so I think he took the condom off and had sex with me without a condom. My head kept banging into the door of my car and I said "Time out my head keeps hitting the door" he doesn't stop. Eventually he stops and has this delusion that I like him, even though I'm happily in a relationship for over a year. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I just cheated on my boyfriend or what. The next day I felt something was wrong, I felt disgusting and dirty and I realized that what happened to me wasn't consensual. I still haven't told my boyfriend because I'm worried he is going to end things with me and blame me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you explain to them what happened to you? 

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17 hours ago, Guest ANONYMOUS said:

I was in a situation recently where I got too drunk and an acquaintance walked me to my car and next thing I know we're in the back seat of my car. He asks if this is okay as he is taking my pants off. I was completely out of sorts and I think I said "OK" because I wasn't aware of what was happening. Next thing I know he's on top of me having sex. I went numb and had to take my mind somewhere else. At one point I hear him saying something about not having an STD so I think he took the condom off and had sex with me without a condom. My head kept banging into the door of my car and I said "Time out my head keeps hitting the door" he doesn't stop. Eventually he stops and has this delusion that I like him, even though I'm happily in a relationship for over a year. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I just cheated on my boyfriend or what. The next day I felt something was wrong, I felt disgusting and dirty and I realized that what happened to me wasn't consensual. I still haven't told my boyfriend because I'm worried he is going to end things with me and blame me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you explain to them what happened to you? 

Yes, I've been there. I got to the conclusion ( recently, I was sa 4 months ago) that the body knows. You felt bad b/c your body knows it wadn't consensual. Like you, my mind went other place. That's dissociation. Like you, I was too drunk to understand what happened and -still feel - struggling with this idea of not being my fault. I should've known better, why would I call someone else such a horrible name ( a r**ist). Like you, I was in a relationship when that happened. I decided to tell, she thought it was consensual, she thought I wanted it and she has been angry about "my cheating". But she knows I didn't do it to hurt her, or "on purpose". You know, in her eyes I was exploring my sexuality. Her not understanding my pain has been devastating to me, we are still together but I wonder if we're right for each other. So I see why you wouldn't want to share this with your bf, you will take the best decision on this matter. If this still bugs you, I would really recommend to seek for help, cuz that feeling ain't going anywhere. 

I'm terrible sorry you went through that, and that you are suffering. 

Safe hugs to you. 

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so there was this situation. Happened this year. I think I just don't know how to process it. Does it count as assault if they just like touch you and you don't want them to. He said he just wanted to go for a walk. He's gonna be a sophomore and I'm about to be a senior....it's my best friends younger brother and there was odd earlier history where I feel like maybe I led him on. But he asked to go for a walk cuz his sis wasn't there to go with him and he didn't wanna go alone. So I went. And we were just talking cuz like we used to be close as friends and what not. He always kinda seemed to have that "sisters older friend" crush on me but Anyway...I suddenly noticed we were not walking where he said we were going. We ended up in the woods. Before I could ask him he kissed me. And I kind of kissed him cuz I was attracted to him but I knew it wasn't right so I pushed him off. But he kept coming on to me and trying to basically get in my pants and was being really hands all over. I kept saying no and pushing him away and I laugh when I'm nervous or in a scary situation so maybe I didn't sound serious?? He wouldn't le me to and this went on for about ten minutes although it felt like an eternity. He finally backed off and we walked in together and I acted like it didn't happen. I went on with life. But I find it replaying in my head often and idk why it won't go away. I read definitions of rape or assault and my situation doesn't match or so I feel. And I do feel like it was my fault. I was the older one and shouldn't have known better or something. Anyway what is that?? 

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Hi guest IDRK,

This is what I got from your post:

He touched you and you didn't want the touch. He took you to a secluded place in the woods. You pushed him off. You kept saying no. You kept pushing him away. He wouldn't let go. He went ahead anyway.

You didn't consent to what he did to you. You actively said no and he did it anyway, so it was assault honey. The age gap doesn't matter, he forced himself upon you after you said no verbally and showed with your body language you didn't want to. He is more than old enough to know better. None of this is your fault.

It's okay that it replays in your head and it feels like it wont go away. This is normal but you will heal from it. This website and forum has a wealth of information to show you how and to show you that you are not alone with this.

I am so sorry this happened.

Sending care and support :hug:

Brehiri

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Is it rape if your have sex with your husband and you were both drunk and high and you have to say stop 3 times before they stop?

i don't know what to do, how to feel or if I'm over dramatising this. Afterwards I ran to the toilet but then for the next couple of days or so I behaved normally and then it hit me. Is that normal? Am I normal? Don't know what to do, I feel my marriage is fractured, is it though? 

Many thanks for reading this if you did

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On 12/07/2017 at 6:42 PM, Guest Please help me said:

Is it rape if your have sex with your husband and you were both drunk and high and you have to say stop 3 times before they stop?

No means no and stop means stop. I think rape involves the willful taking of what is not being freely given, it is an act of violence that shows no concern for the other's will.

Do you feel that you were taken from in a way that obliterated your boundaries and your will?

It is normal to experience massive ups and downs in response to having been harmed. Times of realization that can be gut-wrenching and other times to feel like it's distant and somehow 'isn't real'. Can you speak to your husband about it and express how you are feeling to him?

Most importantly, your safety is number one - if you feel unsafe, for any reason, I would say seek support and help. You don't have to figure it all out on your own :metoyou:

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