Is it rape if...?

[Guest julie]

hello, if you took sweets and a magazine and never said anything to anyone for the last 33 years how can I say it was rxxe when he was kind and friendly ?

[PhoenixBlue]

33 minutes ago, Guest julie said:

hello, if you took sweets and a magazine and never said anything to anyone for the last 33 years how can I say it was rxxe when he was kind and friendly ?

Speaking from my experience, if you have doubts about the situation, it was most likely rxxe. No matter what you brought, who you told, or how kind this person seemed, your consent is what matters. 

[Guest juliedl]

On ‎13‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 9:29 PM, Guest Dejabu43 said:

I was in a marriage where I was having sex with him so he would stop the nagging and mental abuse...for years...then I got into a relation ship where I got brutalized under alcohol and at one occasion probably drugged and had sex with him and his friend. Both relatiomships narcissistic. A brutal awakening for me. I refuse to be a victim of someone elses mental ilmess. And not everyman is a bad person. Im tryimg ro heal. This is my first post and the first time I'm putting the word rape down!

hello and welcome to the group, I to am new on here as well. It takes alot of courage xxx

[Guest CrazyQuilter]

I cam here because I am still struggling with being raped by my husband and now I know why.  I have for a long time and even now, give in to get him to stop bothering me for it.  I never realized until now that giving in is also a form of rape.  This is quite an awakening for me.

[Guest Asuna]

Hi, not sure if this thread is still open, but here's my story.

About 4 years ago, I tried online dating. I had dropped out of college (because of the loss of my 6 year old cousin), I was dealing with clinical depression, and I was lonely. I was a virgin and wanted to keep it that way until I was married. This guy that I had met online had some experience and about 6 months later, he told me he was a sex addict. He was a total gentleman on our first date. We talked until 5:30am without anything physical. I even told him that I didn't want to sleep with anyone before I was married. He seemed totally fine with that. When I left that night, he asked me if he could kiss me and I let him kiss me on the cheek. I trusted him at that point. Our second date, we were watching a movie in his room (he lived with his grandmother), cuddling, and he leaned over and asked if he could kiss me again while being only a couple of inches from my face. I said yes and we made out for a bit. He tried going farther and I reminded him that I didn't want to do that until I was married. He said ok and we went back to watching the movie. That repeated a few more times and I could tell that he was starting to get frustrated. I thought about just leaving and going home, but I was so lonely at that point that I didn't want to be by myself, even if he was the alternative. (I didn't really have many friends) So about the 4th or 5th time that he tried going farther, I just let him. Fight or flight went out the window and I just froze. That whole night was fuzzy after that. I wasn't drinking (I was underage and I didn't drink unless I was with my parents), and I didn't do drugs, so idk why I can't remember anything else. I just know that I was sore afterwards but emotionally numb. I dated that guy for another year and a half, breaking up with him 3 times and getting back together with him twice. Our entire relationship was that way though. If I didn't want to do anything, he would guilt me into it saying, "we're practically married" (we were living together) or he would accuse me of cheating on him, which I wasn't.

Another instance was a year and a half later with his best friend. After I had broken up with my ex for the first time, his best friend invited us to see him for his birthday. It was a 10-12 hour drive there so I was hesitant. I ended up going, and my ex's friend tried convincing me to get back together with my ex for most of that weekend. Right before he left, he was asking me about my bra size and if I would have a one-night-stand with him. I told him no since he was dating someone, was my ex's best friend, and because I'm not that type of person. I've never been a fan of one-night-stands. My ex came back in the room before he could protest. Well, my ex's friend came to visit him about a month later and kept pursuing a one-night-stand. I kept telling him no. One day, my ex sent him to my apartment to pick me up for pizza and video games at my ex's house (I was trying to stay friends with my ex because I don't like losing any type of relationship), and I had to take a shower before I left. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have locked the bathroom door. But we started having a conversation before I took my shower and he came into the bathroom after I had gotten in the shower because he wanted to continue the conversation. I didn't think anything of it because I trusted him to respect me and my continued insistence on no one-night-stand, and because he couldn't see through my shower curtain. As I was rinsing the shampoo out of my eyes, he popped his head into the shower. I told him to get out and heard the door close as he left. When I stuck my head out and looked around, he was gone. I finished my shower and got out only to find him in the doorway with a smug grin on his face. I grabbed my towel and yelled at him to go away and close the door so I could get dressed (brought my clothes into the bathroom with me). Instead he showed me just how much he wanted to have sex with me and kept his smug grin. I froze again. I didn't know what to do and my brain was going a million miles a minute with no cognitive thought coming through. He came over and grabbed my wrist, led me into my bedroom, started kissing me, groped me, and then shoved me on my bed. He got what he wanted with no concern for me or my body.. When he was done, he laughed, kissed me again, put on his pants, and left the room so I could get dressed. 

What I'm not sure about is if it was rape. I had plenty of opportunities to get myself out of those situations and protect myself (as a single woman I had learned to carry pepper spray and a taser with me everywhere). But I chose not to in those moments. I feel like I'm responsible at least in part for both instances because of the choices that I made. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. These two memories have been plaguing my thoughts and dreams for about 2 weeks now. I can't get them out of my head. And I don't want to keep bugging my friends with this stuff...

Thank you for reading,

Asuna

[Guest Onlyme]

Hi, 

I really need some advice / validation. 

I knew a guy for 20 yrs. In my teens and early 20s we had sexual relations. I'm now 35.

Beginning of last year we met up again and had a night at his house we had consensual sex. 

Then again at the end of last year I had split up with a boyfriend, and met up again with 'the guy' but just as friends. We had a night together drinking, almost two bottles of vodka, as friends. I stayed at his house taking myself to bed as I was very drunk. I fell asleep almost instantly in his bed, with pj's shorts and vest on. 

I woke up with him fondling me and grinding on top of me. The reason I woke up is because he was so heavy on top of me and I couldn't breathe. I remember I said your heavy on me I can't breathe or something like that and asked what he was doing. Then he lifted up my legs and started having sex with me. I didn't stop it. I didn't lay there frozen with fear, I didn't push him off, I just let him carry on. It lasted for about two minutes and then he rolled off of me I can't remember if he kissed me or not and then he went to sleep. I wondered if he was asleep during the whole thing. 

I got up and went to the bathroom and said to myself what the fuck just happened? I Sat in there for about 5 minutes feeling shocked and weird. 

The next morning nothing was said and I went home. It took a few days before I told a couple of friends what happened and I asked them - have i been raped? Because it felt wrong but I knew him for 20 years and I didn't want to believe it he would do anything like that with malice or anything that usually comes to mind when thinking of rape or sexual assault. 

After speaking with friends I confronted him and asked him why he thought it was OK to have sex with me while I was asleep. I asked him if he was asleep. At first he said he didn't know and was shocked. But then he told another friend of mine that we'd had sex before, so he thought it was OK... It was not Ok. I was asleep and I had split up with my bf I was hammered and vulnerable. I also had just recently been diagnosed with a mental illness and was struggling with that to add to the confusion and vulnerability. 

I feel that it was not Ok. I feel that I was definitely taken advantage of. I feel like I have been raped but I don't know. 

After speaking with 'the guy' he actually managed to convince me that he is not a horrible guy and wouldn't hurt me etc etc saying all this stuff. And I even began telling people that u had got it wrong! And then a few months later I even had a relationship with him that lasted one month. After the relationship it all came back to me and since I have been suffering ptsd symptoms. I can't believe that a friend of 20 years could do that to me. I've been suffering and going out of my mind about this since. I'm considering rape counselling but idk. 

 

[Guest WoodsyGirl]

On 6/12/2017 at 11:31 AM, Brehiri said:

Hi glitterandcupcakes,

I am sorry you have the need to ask these questions.

Saying no multiple times and then saying "yes" once is not the same as real consent. "No" means "no."      "No" does not mean "Keep trying and maybe I'll change my mind if you keep pestering me".  "Yes" doesn't really mean "yes" if you don't feel able to say "no", for any reason. If you are not actively and willingly consenting, it is still a no, even if you say nothing.

Coercion works for all kinds of reasons, from fear of violence or emotional repercussions to just wanting to sleep. Any sexual act that you don't give your full consent to begin with, is rape. If you have to be manipulated, nagged, coerced or made to feel it is your duty then you didn't give your full consent to it to begin with. Being in a relationship does not mean your partner has rights to your body or how often you have sex. If it is real love or real respect, he would not use guilt or manipulate you into sex. Pressuring a partner in any way is a form of coercion.  If you are having sex because you are being told it is your duty then that sex is not being freely given, it is being demanded.

Sitting with you

Brehiri

To both of you, thank you so much for asking that question and thank you so much for answering. My husband and I have been going to couples counseling and individual counseling b/c I left him, then came back. I've always known he was controlling emotionally and financially but couldn't ever give an answer for why I don't trust anybody even my own self. It appears that I have been sexually abused by my husband for years. I still have many questions.  this may sound like a dumb question but if I have said that I don't like a certain touch or don't want to be touched in a certain place, if he keeps pushing my hands aside or keeps trying to make me "relax" is this abuse?  He doesn't have to hit you, hold you down, threaten you, or leave bruises?  It's still rape if he keeps trying to get in your pants until you give in, even though you're the one who chose to give in?

[blondie2002]

GuestOnlyme,this happened to me 15 yrs ago, with my now former friend T. You're not alone.

[Guest MoonRae]

I'm new here.  I'm waiting on approval to be admitted as a member, I think.   I really feel like I just need to get everything that has happened out of my head. This thread answered one major question for me though.   I am now divorced as of last month.  I knew what my ex had done on at least 1 occasion had been considered R.  that time I was too sick to move.  I couldn't even straighten up because I was so sick and in severe pain, and I said no 9 times, yet he did it anyway.  My question though, was about all the many many times that I would say yes after saying no multiple times, to prevent him from causing more problems and more stress, and treating us all badly.  When the kids were little, I would give in because he would start screaming and cussing at the kids, because he was 'frustrated'.  I didn't want to, but to alleviate the other abuses, I would eventually give in, even when I didn't want to.  I still have a hard time saying it was what it was, what this thread calls it out to be.  I was married for 27 years, after a childhood full of multiple sexual abuses and R starting at 5 years old.   I don't know that it is possible to recover from 40 years of this. Will I ever approach normal?  Right now, I am terrified of being touched by anyone, even a normal handshake is enough to make me have to fight off a panic attack.  

[Guest Guest whiterosebud]

I'm new here too. I feel so many emotions at once that I couldn't even start a list of them if I tried. There was an incident a few days ago with my boyfriend when he was drunk and wanted to do things, and I just wanted to sleep because it was late. He kept asking me and asking me, and I was tired and didn't want to. His hands were all over me and he wouldn't leave me alone. Finally I told him he could do what he wanted. I only told him that because I was tired and felt like I couldn't just keep saying no and not tonight all night long. I had a feeling that had I not told him to do what he wanted, that he would have done it anyways. That feeling was confirmed by how much force he used with me and how rough he was. I don't understand. I love him and he says he loves me, but yet this happened. I have been feeling so complicated ever since because this incident has brought back flashbacks and memories of previous sa incidents from 3 other men from my past. The worst part is that I tried confronting my boyfriend about what happened and he told me that he was sorry that that night brought back up crap from my past but that I "could have just told him no and made him understand" and that he thought it was "unclear what I ment". He knows I am having issues, but he still insists on pulling me to him and kissing me before he leaves the house or grabbing my butt if my back is turned to him. I need help.

[Guest BeautyAmy]

If the "perpetrator " was under the influence of a prescription drug (Ambien) and recalls little to nothing of what happened? I know it's still rape because there is a victim (myself) but was he really responsible? He was not misusing nor abusing the medication.

[blondie2002]

I believe he still knew, what he was doing and should still be held responsible.  

[Guest Amsmoney]

I am very confused and ashamed about what happened to me a few nights ago. I am hoping this is still an open thread. My estranged husband began aggressively touching me, but wouldn’t stop even though I told him I did not want it, and I tried pushing him away and locked my knees together. He began performing oral sex on me, which I again told him I wanted him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He then tried to physically force me to perform oral sex on him, which I successfully resisted. I gave in on him wanting to have intercourse because I wanted the ordeal to just end. Then he began manually manipulating my clitoris and trying to make me orgasm, which I also said I didn’t want. He kept saying, “it feels good doesn’t it? Just relax and let it happen.” I tried my hardest to allow myself to climax so he would stop touching me.  I couldn’t fight as hard or as loudly as I should’ve because I felt like I was obligated to give him sex, and because my seven year old son was asleep on the other couch. I did not want to wake him and have him witness what was happening. So, I guess my main question is, does it still count as rape if I achieved orgasm? I’ve been crying and obsessing over it nonstop, as well as being physically ill. 

[lovelylady]

1 hour ago, Guest Amsmoney said:

I am very confused and ashamed about what happened to me a few nights ago. I am hoping this is still an open thread. My estranged husband began aggressively touching me, but wouldn’t stop even though I told him I did not want it, and I tried pushing him away and locked my knees together. He began performing oral sex on me, which I again told him I wanted him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He then tried to physically force me to perform oral sex on him, which I successfully resisted. I gave in on him wanting to have intercourse because I wanted the ordeal to just end. Then he began manually manipulating my clitoris and trying to make me orgasm, which I also said I didn’t want. He kept saying, “it feels good doesn’t it? Just relax and let it happen.” I tried my hardest to allow myself to climax so he would stop touching me.  I couldn’t fight as hard or as loudly as I should’ve because I felt like I was obligated to give him sex, and because my seven year old son was asleep on the other couch. I did not want to wake him and have him witness what was happening. So, I guess my main question is, does it still count as rape if I achieved orgasm? I’ve been crying and obsessing over it nonstop, as well as being physically ill. 

Yes it still is. Climax does not equal consent. I'm sorry 

[Guest SISUforMe]

Hi everyone.  New to this site.  

I lived many years in denial that my H raped me in various ways.  I was shamed into it by his convincing me that I was prudish, cold, didn't love him, etc.  Like I am sure many of you with spousal abuse, I endured drug and alcohol addiction, theft, verbal abuse towards my children who now experience PTSD, anxiety and depression.  

I made him leave 2 years ago and I am only now coming out of a fog.  Why did I let him do this?  Why did I believe him?  Why did I stay? 

I still can't tell anyone but a chosen few.  He's "such a nice guy!"  My family, his family, one of my 3 kids don't understand why I needed him to leave and the other 2 think it was just to protect them.  

I struggle.  Do I accuse him?  Do I tell my kids what really happened?  How is it that I feel like I would ruin his life? 

For years I believed in SISU (see below - I am half Finnish) in regards to my wedding vows.  Now SISU is for me. 

Thanks for this site and for all of you.   

"Sisu is a Finnish concept and cultural construct that is described through a combination of various English terms including stoic determination, grit, bravery, resilience, and hardiness and is held by Finns themselves to express their national character."

[Guest Guest Xanadeux]

New (pending) member, old wounds.

This could be triggering because I have mental health issues that have caused me to self-harm in the past.

I just drove my sleep-deprived partner crazy with hours and hours of various breakdowns that eventually culminated in a three hour long rant about the sa i have experienced, and I then proceeded to go back and forth on if I was really rxxped. I think they finally fell asleep.

I was a "weird" kid. Experienced mob bullying the beginning of my freshman year of high school because my peers enjoyed triggering what I later learned were angry outbursts related to my OCD. I SHed starting when I was 12 and people gossiped about it, as I later found out after I graduated high school. The bullies became less interested because my behavior became genuinely scary, and the sexual elements of bullying from one boy (incl touching me with his hands he just had down his pants) was probably the catalyst for my handwashing compulsion, which also made people stay away from me. My behavior escalated, mostly at home, until I had to be hospitalized. I was almost 15, diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, so-called best friend spread rumors that I was pretending to have mental illness for attention, fun high school stuff. But I did have one friend who just moved to my town who believed me, who once found me having a panic attack and hugged me through it, who never held any judgment about how 'weird' I behaved... But, and while I still think of her extremely fondly and don't blame her for this at all, she introduced me to this guy..

Like I said before, my peers usually didn't like me. I could count my friends on one hand, and boys only ever asked me out as a joke. I was a bit of an ugly duckling. I was also actually in the closet, and the viciousness of the rumors combined with how much people disliked me scared me out of coming out. This guy (we'll call him T to make it easier) however immediately showered me with affection, took me to the movies, to my favorite restaurants, paid for it... He was nearly 3 years older than me, had a job and a car... He asked me out 3 days after my 15th birthday, and I said yes. Made out on the first date and he put his hand in my underwear without asking. I very hesitantly asked him to take it out and he did and apologized. A few weeks of cute teenage dates and typical fooling around later, the nagging started. I didn't want to lose my virginity, but he was extremely persistent. Eventually, after around 3 months of dating, we planned a date to do it...and we did. I didn't say yes, I didn't say no, I stuck to the plan. I felt OK after, I felt "grown up." He then started having sex with me without asking first while we were fooling around. This happened often. After we broke up due to my mental health issues, I continued sneaking out to see him, desperate for acceptance to make up for the rejection of my peers. Sometimes I initiated the sex, but only because I thought it was the only way to get the acceptance and affection I was devoid of for so long. Other times, he did his usual routine of initiating without asking, probably based on my body language, or at least his interpretation of it.

One time that sticks out is when I was about 16, really wanted to speak with him and work things out. He picked me up, and as soon as I got in the car, he said "I don't want to talk or be friends, I just wanna have sex." I meekly just said "okay" because I was in shock, he took me back to his parents' house and did what he wanted to me. I felt used as soon as it started. As a side note his father was/is a very high ranking police officer which made me even more intimidated by him. He once told me that if my parents filed statutory rape charges, his dad would be "so pissed."

This toxic sexual relationship continued into my senior year of high school, and it wasn't until I wrote an essay for sex ed the word 'rxxe' for my situation ever crossed my mind. We were assigned to write an essay about unhealthy relationships; we could do research, write about people we have known, or ourselves. I knew my "relationship" was unhealthy, so I wrote about myself. Even though my essay was over a week late, I got it back with a 100 and a note from my teacher saying that what was happening wasn't right and if I ever needed to talk to come to her office. It was then I realized that something here was truly alarming, and even though teachers are mandatory reporters, I am so thankful she didn't report, especially because of the aforementioned police family thing.

He eventually got tired of me and drove me away by emotionally abusing me until I attempted to end my life, again. I tried to call him from the psychiatric hospital and he hung up right away. As I began to break down, a counselor pulled me into a seclusion room and told me about her own abusive relationship and hugged me. With that and the help of a lovely, mature girl I met on the unit, I was able to stop pursuing him shortly before my 18th birthday.

The first time I called it rxxe, i was courting a new boy I met that summer after engaging in some risky behaviors for several weeks. I remember him saying I was beautiful and anyone who would do that to such a beautiful girl is scum. Paraphrasing, but that was the general message.

The second time I tried to tell someone about it, it was a counselor at my group therapy program who specialized in trauma. i explained it without using the word rxxe. I remember her saying "It's (current year), why can't you just move past it?"

The third time i tried to discuss it was in the group module of the same program. A few sentences in, a new group member, a man at least 15 years older than me, interrupted me to start telling me I was basically an attention seeker. He said all sorts of hurtful things that I've blocked out. I immediately left the room bawling, collapsing on the floor after smashing my phone into the wall.

I've been trying to heal from it while at the same time coming to terms with being a lesbian. My current partner tells me what happened was rxxe, and that some behaviors I engage in are very indicative of that. I stopped telling therapists the details and just say I was rxxed by my first boyfriend multiple times and they carry on as if it's the truth. Just the other day a dear friend of mine said that the power dynamic I described was "fxxked up..." I'm sorry this got so long.

still I flip-flop and ruminate and convince myself it wasn't rxxe. Tell myself I let it happen, I didn't resist. It was just sex I regretted. I told him he could have sex with me on that date.

Was at least some of this rape? Did he know what he was doing to me (the statutory comment) and use his power to keep me compliant? did I bring it on myself when I initiated? Is it still rape if neither of us knew I was a lesbian? Is he less at fault because I was too scared to come out, and I was so eager to prove to my gossiping peers that I was straight? It's been ten years and I still can't answer myself. I often feel like I'm exaggerating or making it up or my memories are distorted because I was young when it happened.

 

[Pri]

Asuna, the situations you're describing are rape.  WoodsyGirl, it was rape as long as you didn't want it or you didn't consent.  You didn't want it, so it was rape.  Same applies to you, Amsmoney.  Even if you climaxed, you didn't want it, so it was rape.  Xanadeux, every time he had sex with you and you didn't want it or didn't consent to it was rape, and it still would have been if you were straight.  I feel like most of us feel what happened either to us or to other people (like with the police, partners who believe the victims were cheating, and therapists that other people were describing) wasn't rape because it's so main-stream.  It happens all the time.  But that doesn't mean it wasn't rape.  It just, unfortunately, means that rape happens all the time.

[Pri]

Now for my question.  I'm 22 and recently had my first appointment with an adult general doctor.  I'm generally pretty distrusting of doctors, but I'm constantly told that I should trust them whole-heartedly.  I decided, since this doctor was new and I might have her for a while, I should try out this whole "trusting your doctor" thing.  The doctor said that "down here" in the adult clinic pap smears were given to women over the age of 21.  I wasn't sure what a pap smear was, but I somehow had the impression that it would just involve touching on the outside, and I was okay with that.  The situation got pretty weird though, and so I was wondering whether they actually involved going inside.  The doctor knew I was a virgin and I couldn't believe that it would be so typical to go inside a woman's, especially a virgin's, body everytime she got a general checkup.  If it was typical, it would be something that would be talked about, I thought.  Why didn't my mom warn me about this?  The doctor knew this was my first time at an adult general doctor and my first pap smear (and that I was a virgin) so why wouldn't she tell me that she'd be going inside me?  She was also of Indian heritage, like me, and Indians tend to be more conservative about sex.  I felt like that would have made her more likely to tell me what she'd be doing, but I felt like she had this sort of "don't be an Indian prude and be as American as possible" mentality.  Before she started the pap smear I asked her to explain what exactly she'd be doing.  She assured me that she would just "check down there and take a swab."  Again, I thought that if by "check down there" she meant "go inside you" she would have told me.  I was still unsure as it was happening, up until she put a finger inside me.  I believe I have vaginismus, since the few times I'd experimented with putting something inside myself before it had hurt and felt extremely uncomfortable, and this was the same if not worse.  I didn't know what to do at that point.  I wasn't entirely expecting that to happen (though with how weird everything was I did think that might be a possibility) and I was in disbelief.  I kept thinking "she must know what she's doing, and she probably won't do much more, or else she would have told me" but then she started putting a huge speculum inside me (I later talked to some friends about it and one of them, also a virgin, described her speculum as looking like a tampon, and the one my doctor used was much, much bigger than that).  The whole time I was in so much pain, but it was a pain I couldn't explain and I had no idea how something like this was supposed to feel.  I kept saying "this is really uncomfortable" and I remember saying "is this supposed to hurt this much" and my doctor kept saying "it isn't/shouldn't be hurting, you're just feeling discomfort."  She stated "you're just feeling discomfort" as if she knew what I was feeling better than I did and that this was all normal, so I thought it was normal and that maybe this was just how it feels and it sucks.  She ended up not even being able to get that far because my body just wouldn't let her.  The first time she stopped she was like "okay we're going to try this again" and I knew it wasn't going to work, but I just wanted it to be done with so I let her try again.  I'm not sure why I didn't tell her to stop at any point.  I was actually acting, I feel, pretty normal after she finally stopped and continued with the breast check.  When I got in the car to go back home I called my mom and told her what happened and she freaked out saying "why did you let her do that to you, go back in and ask her if she broke your hymen."  I obviously didn't do that, and I still felt semi-normal driving back home, but I did almost get into several accidents and didn't notice or care.  I had two exams the next day, so when I got back home I started studying and my dog wouldn't leave my side (which isn't very usual for her).  It didn't really hit me until the next morning.  I did so bad on my first exam the next day, didn't go to the rest of my classes that, and eventually dropped out of school.  I'd been having a lot of issues with school anyway, but this was my 5th and hopefully last year and I was an almost 4.0 student.  But I couldn't even go to my classes since I'm in Computer Science and most of my classmates were men (some of who were toxically masculine and sexist).  For some reason I just couldn't be around men.  It's been about 3 months since the doctor's appointment happened, things aren't too terrible for me right now, but every once in a while I get triggered.  Sometimes the area still hurts but I don't know if that's psychologically caused of if some damage happened, and I don't want to go to a gynecologist to get it checked out.  I'm doing an interview tomorrow for an all-female bootcamp out in New York City and things look fine, but I'm worried how I'll be once I leave this sort of "break" I've been on and start studying again.  The idea of going to NYC is also freaking me out because of all the street harassment I know I'll get, and the constant reminder that I have to restrict my freedom so that something else doesn't happen to me because I'm so frickin' vulnerable.  I've always been this girl that never goes to parties, never drinks, has never even kissed a guy, shuts down guys right away when they want to have sex, because I never wanted to end up being raped.  I honestly still wanted to wait until I was married.  And this still happened to me, just because I trusted a doctor.

 

So... what would this be called?

Edited January 17, 2018 by Pri

[Guest Glitch1129]

This is very helpful and I wanted to thank you for posting. I also needed to ask though is it still rape if its not "sex" but sexual acts that I was nagged, pressured and became scared so I gave in...I know its not "sex" so thats why Im asking... Im sorry, i just dont know who else to ask.

Thank you for making this forum?

[Susan]

Hi Pri,

I would call what happened to you as assault. Professionals like doctors should be far more sensitive to patients. They should be explaining what is happening before they actually do anything as invasive as what you've described. I'm terribly sorry she scarred you like this. 

Hi Glitch1129,

These definitions may be helpful:  http://www.pandys.org/whatisrape.html Coercion (being nagged, pressured or threatened) is listed. 

Safe 's for both of you, if okay?

[Guest Jamie]

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't really think I was raped, cuz it was my friend and I was drunk, and I saw him a few times afterwards. It makes me doubt myself....

[blondie2002]

I believe you.

[frostylemon]

Quote

 

"If you are a prostitute and you say "no", it is still rape."

 

Saying this to a victim is all well and good, but unfortunately, society still says you're wrong about that one.

I mean, even according to this very website's guidelines if that exact scenario had happened to someone on here, that person would not be able to talk about it on these forums  because the guidelines clearly read;

"You may not use the board, including the email or PM services, to discuss illegal activities you or anyone else are contemplating or have committed, whether past, present, or future. See this thread for more information."

Prostitutes or sex workers have no real legal recourse against rape without getting into trouble themselves. And they have no way of revealing their abuse without revealing their secrets and destroying themselves. Until laws are changed, and minds are swayed, unfortunately this is one category of abuse victims that society doesn't think deserves a voice.

[Susan]

51 minutes ago, frostylemon said:

Saying this to a victim is all well and good, but unfortunately, society still says you're wrong about that one.

I mean, even according to this very website's guidelines if that exact scenario had happened to someone on here, that person would not be able to talk about it on these forums  because the guidelines clearly read;

"You may not use the board, including the email or PM services, to discuss illegal activities you or anyone else are contemplating or have committed, whether past, present, or future. See this thread for more information."

Prostitutes or sex workers have no real legal recourse against rape without getting into trouble themselves. And they have no way of revealing their abuse without revealing their secrets and destroying themselves. Until laws are changed, and minds are swayed, unfortunately this is one category of abuse victims that society doesn't think deserves a voice.

Hi frostylemon,

Technically everything discussed on our forums falls into illegal acts. That guideline is intended to stop folks from posting revenge plots or discussing violence against others. Here is some clarification of this rule.

We have many members who have or still are working in the sex industry. Society in general has a lot of needed changes. Our belief is if someone says no -verbally or physically - then it is rape. Some are unable to communicate at all because they freeze but we offer support to all. 

Susan

[Guest EAK]

Hello, I just googled some forums about sexual assault and I found this one; I hope it's still active. I think what happened to me is sexual assault but it sometimes still bothers me that it isn't like... cut and dry? I think I might just need confirmation or validation. Anyway, this is my story.

I went to my parents' cabin with a few very close friends during the summer. I have gotten drunk and had fun with them in the past and there hadn't been any issues apart from the usual teen/young adult consequences (throwing up, hangover, spilled drinks, etc.). So I had a party one night and eventually everyone either went to bed or fell asleep on the couches, except for me and one other guy. We had all been drinking quite a bit, myself included, and I'd say I was pretty drunk. He and I were cuddling, which I was fine with as I've cuddled with a lot of my friends before (including him) and nothing happened. Then he started to feel me up, which I think I was alright with. At any rate, my body responded, but after a while I wasn't too sure if I was ok with it so I told him I wanted to go upstairs to get another drink. I still sort of feel like I should have just told him I was going to bed, but oh well. So I got up, but then he said that he wanted another drink too and followed me upstairs. At this point I realized I was quite drunk and I really didn't want him to make a move on me, so I poured myself another drink just to sort of busy myself with/to sort of ignore him. Then he came up behind me and he kept feeling me up, but I didn't really do anything; I just stood there. Then eventually he kissed me. I like kinda reciprocated but I mostly had my eyes open and I wasn't enjoying it. Then he asked if I wanted to come upstairs (the house has 3 levels), and I said sure even though I was honestly just really tired and drunk and I just wanted to go to sleep. But we went upstairs and he like kinda pushed me back on a pull-out couch thing and kept kissing/feeling me up. I went limp and didn't say/do much and pretty much kept my eyes open. Then he asked "is this ok?" and I said yes because I didn't want him to feel bad and I felt awkward. Then he put his hands down my shorts and started to finger me, but my shorts were kinda getting in the way. I think it was at this point or right before when I was like “what about you and [girl's name]” (the girl that he was sort of seeing and who was also in the house at the time) and he said “we’re just fucking.” At another point he asked again if it was ok, but I was pretty drunk and wanted to sleep/pretend this wasn't happening so I didn't really respond, so he asked again and I said "uhhhh yyeaaah..." I was still limp at this point. Then he asked if he could take off my shorts and I said “no” and he just kinda went “…uh ok,” so instead he just pulled them farther down my thighs (without fully taking them off) and kept fingering me. Then after a while of me like not responding to him fingering/kissing me and him trying to get me to respond, he was like “are you going to do anything?,” and I said “probably not.” Then he stopped and kinda moved to the side so I sat up and said I was tired (I think?). Then he laid down and I sat on the side of the bed and like panicked for a bit, and I think he patted me on the back or something then I left.

Two close friends of mine, one of them being the girl that he was sort of seeing, ended up deciding to still be friends with him afterwards, despite them claiming to believe me 100%. I no longer talk to them (or him). He even admitted that what he did was wrong (to the girl he was kinda seeing). I guess they just didn't think it was bad enough, and the girl he was kinda seeing said that he felt guilty and cried to her about it, so I guess that's why she's still friends (or maybe in a relationship) with him? 

I just feel horrible about all of this still. It happened in the summer and I ended up dealing with it in October (I cut ties with all 3 of them). I have been seeing a therapist since September, so don't worry I'm getting professional help (for this and other things). Thanks for reading.