Brehiri

Is it rape if...?

65 posts in this topic

If it "only" happened once, it is still rape.

If s/he didn't have a weapon, and you say no, or don't say no, it is still rape.

If s/he didn't hit you or otherwise injure you, it is still rape.

If you are wearing the shortest skirt and the highest heels and s/he has sex with you, and you don't want it, it is still rape.

If you were absolutely butt naked, and s/he has sex with you against your will, it is still rape.

If you consented to sex 100 times, and didn't consent the 101st time, it is still rape.

If you didn't say yes and you didn't say no, it is still rape.

If it "only" happened once, it is still rape.

If you were drunk or high, it is still rape.

If s/he gets you drunk or high and has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you are a prostitute and you say "no", it is still rape.

If you were unconscious  and s/he had sex with you, it is still rape.

If you were sick and didn't have the strength to say no or fight them off, it is still rape.

If you "led him/her on" and you didn't want sex and s/he continues, it is still rape.

If it was anal, vaginal, oral or digital, it is still rape.

If you were a child, it is still rape. A child cannot consent.

If s/he is your spouse, and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If it is your wedding night and you don't want to have sex but s/he pressures you anyway, it is still rape.

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

If s/he pressured into sex you because s/he spent money on you, it is still rape.

If you were incapacitated in any way and s/he has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you were unable to say "yes" in any way, it is still rape.

If s/he acted in a threatening way and you agreed to sex, it is still rape.

If s/he nagged you until you gave in and said yes, it is still rape.

If s/he talked you into it  and you eventually say yes, it is still rape.

If s/he said "If you loved me you would do it"  or "everyone else is doing it" to manipulate you, it is still rape.

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape.

If you froze, it is still rape.

If s/he keeps waking you up to ask for sex until you give in it is still rape.

If you were asleep and s/he has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you said "yes" to sex with a condom and s/he removes that condom or it breaks and s/he doesn't tell you, and continues, it is still rape.

If you change your mind at any point for any reason, and s/he doesn't back off IMMEDIATELY, it is still rape.

If you consented to one sexual act but not another, and s/he does another act to you or makes you do another act, it is still rape.

If s/he refuses to stop having sex for any reason, it is still rape.

If s/he is your friend, husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If s/he is your friend with benefits and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If you had sex with them the night before, and don't want to again the next morning, and s/he makes you anyway, it is still rape.

If s/he buys you items, dinner or movie tickets, that does not entitle them to sex and if they use that as leverage to manipulate you, it is still rape.

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I am not arguing I seriously need to know, how is it rape of you say yes but don't really want to because they manipulate, nag, coerce, make you feel it's your duty?

 

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Hi glitterandcupcakes,

I am sorry you have the need to ask these questions.

Saying no multiple times and then saying "yes" once is not the same as real consent. "No" means "no."      "No" does not mean "Keep trying and maybe I'll change my mind if you keep pestering me".  "Yes" doesn't really mean "yes" if you don't feel able to say "no", for any reason. If you are not actively and willingly consenting, it is still a no, even if you say nothing.

Coercion works for all kinds of reasons, from fear of violence or emotional repercussions to just wanting to sleep. Any sexual act that you don't give your full consent to begin with, is rape. If you have to be manipulated, nagged, coerced or made to feel it is your duty then you didn't give your full consent to it to begin with. Being in a relationship does not mean your partner has rights to your body or how often you have sex. If it is real love or real respect, he would not use guilt or manipulate you into sex. Pressuring a partner in any way is a form of coercion.  If you are having sex because you are being told it is your duty then that sex is not being freely given, it is being demanded.

Sitting with you :hug:

Brehiri

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I didn't know that.  

 

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Thanks 

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4 hours ago, Brehiri said:

Hi glitterandcupcakes,

I am sorry you have the need to ask these questions.

Saying no multiple times and then saying "yes" once is not the same as real consent. "No" means "no."      "No" does not mean "Keep trying and maybe I'll change my mind if you keep pestering me".  "Yes" doesn't really mean "yes" if you don't feel able to say "no", for any reason. If you are not actively and willingly consenting, it is still a no, even if you say nothing.

Coercion works for all kinds of reasons, from fear of violence or emotional repercussions to just wanting to sleep. Any sexual act that you don't give your full consent to begin with, is rape. If you have to be manipulated, nagged, coerced or made to feel it is your duty then you didn't give your full consent to it to begin with. Being in a relationship does not mean your partner has rights to your body or how often you have sex. If it is real love or real respect, he would not use guilt or manipulate you into sex. Pressuring a partner in any way is a form of coercion.  If you are having sex because you are being told it is your duty then that sex is not being freely given, it is being demanded.

Sitting with you :hug:

Brehiri

Everything about what you said is exactly what I needed to hear right now; this is the reminder I've needed for a week at least. :( I'm not able to see my T right now and so many thoughts are flowing through my head. Did I overreact? Was I a bad wife? Am I? 

Are these things you learned from a T or personal stances you learned over time?

I know everything you said is 100% right, but it's hard when I don't have a T and I don't want to talk to my best friends about the incident(s) constantly. Thank you for your wisdom.:hug: I hope you are well. :bouquet:

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4 hours ago, glitterandcupcakes said:

I am not arguing I seriously need to know, how is it rape of you say yes but don't really want to because they manipulate, nag, coerce, make you feel it's your duty?

 

This is the "one" thing that's holding me back as well...I feel like my husband keeps asking that question, or insinuating it at least. 
Thoughts like that have really prevented me from healing. 

 

If you ever need to talk, I'll listen. :bouquet: Sitting with you. 

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I am available to listen as well. 

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On 12/06/2017 at 9:35 PM, berlingirl said:

Everything about what you said is exactly what I needed to hear right now; this is the reminder I've needed for a week at least. :( I'm not able to see my T right now and so many thoughts are flowing through my head. Did I overreact? Was I a bad wife? Am I? 

Are these things you learned from a T or personal stances you learned over time?

I know everything you said is 100% right, but it's hard when I don't have a T and I don't want to talk to my best friends about the incident(s) constantly. Thank you for your wisdom.:hug: I hope you are well. :bouquet:

Hi berlingirl,

It is so hard to have these thoughts. I learned this at first from Pandy's, and through Pandy's I received the encouragement and strength to find a T. Something my T tells me constantly which may help you -"Thinking it does not mean you have to believe it."  It is okay to sit with those thoughts, to give them head space, but try not to entertain their reality. You didn't overreact and you are not, and were not a bad wife :hug:

I understand not wanting to go on about what happened to those around us. Sometimes I can practically see the eye roll even though I never say anything specific. Please keep reaching out on the boards if you feel that is something you want to do, we are all here to listen to you. You are worthy of care and support.

Sitting with you :hug:

Brehiri

 

 

 

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I found this really helpful. Thanks for sharing and expounding.

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Well then, if that is the case.....I am not going to sit here and write up about me, and this. Because I don't want to say that I was digitally an** r*** 8 times as a toddler. I certainly don't want to say the several hundred times over 18 years of my dv filled abusive marriage that she r* by coercion, threats, nagging, and hitting me,  never mind sa in my sleep, after I told her that was absolutely unacceptable(was triggering massive freakouts with no known memory associated with it)...

 

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7 hours ago, glitterandcupcakes said:

@LionheartedAndrew are you ok? 

 

No. Maybe never will be.

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(((((Andrew))))))

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@andrew it is horrible, I offer my condolences and support. 

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2 hours ago, Brehiri said:

(((((Andrew))))))

Thank you.  I really really appreciate it. Thank you. :hug::holdhands::bouquet:

2 hours ago, glitterandcupcakes said:

@andrew it is horrible, I offer my condolences and support. 

Thank you G&C, love your name! Makes me want a cupcake!  Thank you so very much for your support and condolences..it means a lot, to me, that you see and understand. Thank you. :hug::metoyou::cupcake:

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On 6/12/2017 at 10:13 AM, Brehiri said:

If it "only" happened once, it is still rape.

If s/he didn't have a weapon, and you say no, or don't say no, it is still rape.

If s/he didn't hit you or otherwise injure you, it is still rape.

If you are wearing the shortest skirt and the highest heels and s/he has sex with you, and you don't want it, it is still rape.

If you were absolutely butt naked, and s/he has sex with you against your will, it is still rape.

If you consented to sex 100 times, and didn't consent the 101st time, it is still rape.

If you didn't say yes and you didn't say no, it is still rape.

If it "only" happened once, it is still rape.

If you were drunk or high, it is still rape.

If s/he gets you drunk or high and has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you are a prostitute and you say "no", it is still rape.

If you were unconscious  and s/he had sex with you, it is still rape.

If you were sick and didn't have the strength to say no or fight them off, it is still rape.

If you "led him/her on" and you didn't want sex and s/he continues, it is still rape.

If it was anal, vaginal, oral or digital, it is still rape.

If you were a child, it is still rape. A child cannot consent.

If s/he is your spouse, and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If it is your wedding night and you don't want to have sex but s/he pressures you anyway, it is still rape.

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

If s/he pressured into sex you because s/he spent money on you, it is still rape.

If you were incapacitated in any way and s/he has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you were unable to say "yes" in any way, it is still rape.

If s/he acted in a threatening way and you agreed to sex, it is still rape.

If s/he nagged you until you gave in and said yes, it is still rape.

If s/he talked you into it  and you eventually say yes, it is still rape.

If s/he said "If you loved me you would do it"  or "everyone else is doing it" to manipulate you, it is still rape.

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape.

If you froze, it is still rape.

If s/he keeps waking you up to ask for sex until you give in it is still rape.

If you were asleep and s/he has sex with you, it is still rape.

If you said "yes" to sex with a condom and s/he removes that condom or it breaks and s/he doesn't tell you, and continues, it is still rape.

If you change your mind at any point for any reason, and s/he doesn't back off IMMEDIATELY, it is still rape.

If you consented to one sexual act but not another, and s/he does another act to you or makes you do another act, it is still rape.

If s/he refuses to stop having sex for any reason, it is still rape.

If s/he is your friend, husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If s/he is your friend with benefits and you didn't want sex, it is still rape.

If you had sex with them the night before, and don't want to again the next morning, and s/he makes you anyway, it is still rape.

If s/he buys you items, dinner or movie tickets, that does not entitle them to sex and if they use that as leverage to manipulate you, it is still rape.

if this is true....not really sure what to do.....means answer to question is yes not no. 😢

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34 minutes ago, lauralie said:

if this is true....not really sure what to do.....means answer to question is yes not no. 😢

My friend...I am truly sorry...you deserved none of these things, only soft gentle touches and tender loving care.

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@LionheartedAndrew My heart goes out to you my friend :bouquet: as well as anyone else here affected. Safe hugs all round to those who need them.

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Is  it rape if...


Your husband keeps pressuring you to have sexy even though you don't want to, say you don't want to and he knows you don't want to. If he keeps making you feel like you owe him sex.

I now can say 'yes'. It definatilly is. It hurt so bad to finnaly admit that that is was it was. That my own husband who I love and trusted more than anyone else could do that to me. But he did..

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GR123,

I feel that way too, wife sa me in my sleep many times, no matter how many times I told her not to. Also she's always pressuring me, forcing me, blackmailing me into giving her what she wants.

Sittin with you. 

Andrew

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Dear Andrew,

It makes me so sad to read that you feel the same, because it is such an awful feeling. At the same time it is sort of comforting to know I am not alone in this, since I have been feeling so lonely dealing with this and all the emotions and feelings. It is all so confusing.. Still loving the person that has hurt me so bad..

 

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Hi. I haven't told anyone about what happened to me on Saturday. I have showered multiple times so all physical evidence is now gone. I was walking home when I bumped into a man I know. I have flirted with him before and had actually found him attractive and desirable. He told his friends to go ahead as he wanted to walk me home. I said no as I was really drunk and had been to the takeaway. I was about ten meters from my house so there wasn't a safety concern. I went to the shop about 50 m up the road from my house. He walked with me. He was chatting away, being funny making jokes. Made me laugh. I felt flattered. We got to my house and asked if he could have a drink. I had a bottle of wine (I'd already drunk a few bottles at a party not something I do all of the time). I let him in for a drink. He chatted I chatted we got on there was an attraction. However. I asked him to leave and he said no. Things get hazy after this due to alcohol. I clearly remember asking him to go. Next thing the lights are off but I'm in my lounge on the floor and he is taking off my clothes. I felt so conflicted because I actually did fancy him but I did not want to have sex. I asked him to stop and acted like he thought I wasn't being serious. Next thing I know I think time has passed and he's still having sex with me I asked him to stop again and told him he was hurting me. That's the last thing I remember. The morning after I woke up alone. In my bed. Sore. I have a cut down there and it's been three days but I can't pee without burning and pain. I'm going to go to my Gp in the morning to make sure he hasn't really damaged me. I'm so embarrassed. I feel so ashamed. I feel like a tart. I didn't want to have sex with him but the fact I did (not anymore) fancy him has left me really confused and upset. He hasn't tried to contact me since.            Now. My question. Is this rape? 

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Hi Neverheaven,

Yes this is rape. I'm so very sorry he hurt you. Even if you hadn't managed to say no - it is rape. Many folks freeze and can't speak. You were not able to consent. What he did was wrong and you didn't deserve it. I'm glad to hear you're going to your doctor. Please think about joining our community of survivors. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

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Also you were half drunk or more, that removes legal ability to consent, at least here in the States. And whether you fancied him or not...still r***. At no point in time was any of that your fault at all.:metoyou::bouquet:

Sitting with you.  Take heed to @Susan offer, join this most lovely haven for survivors....you'll be welcomed with open arms and open hearts. 

🦁Andrew

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