SumDumGuy

How I became SumDumGuy, trigger warning

333 posts in this topic

Hey, it's me, just some dumb guy. This is how I came to be, my story begins in the present, then will go back in time.  Um.... okay the trigger warning ⚠️ is because I have suicide ideation and managed to fail at that 6 times. Maybe other triggers too, I don't know.

Okay, until the other week I didn't know this happened to me. I had "Sexual Assault Response and Prevention" training at work. Just one of the many things we have do along with human trafficking and anti-terrorism awareness. Stuff like that.

That was on Friday two weeks ago. That Monday at 2 am my mind opened the closet to my skeletons, brushed them aside, opened the trap door on the floor of that closet, and released a hidden suppressed memory. It literally exploded like a nuclear bomb in my conscience mind. ?

I sat right up in bed my heart beating so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. Everything came at me at once, sights smells, sensations and emotions. I thought "Oh My God!!!" That's what happened to me!!!!

The next day I sent a private secure message to my therapist that I may have been a victim of sexual assaults and we need to talk about it.

See, I had already been in therapy for 2 years for severe depression with suicide ideation. I had been getting these brain fires ?, literally felt like my brain was burning up inside my head. So I called the VA's crisis hot line and been in therapy ever since.

I already had my next session coming in a few days and hoped I would make it till then. Thursday I called the behavior health department to talk to someone before I lost it. Spoke with a social worker trained as a PTSD intake counselor, for 2 hours. She was the first person I told. Saw my therapist on Monday, he was the second person I told, what happened. But he got the detailed version.

After hearing everything he said that I was targeted by a predator. The things that happened and some of the things the predator said to me, were clear markers of a predator, a well experienced predator at that. He had been my friend first, and may well have been "hunting" me as his next prey from the very first day.

I spent over 22 years believing I had consensual homosexual interaction with him, because he had told me that's what he would say If I told anyone. So my mind latched on that and buried the truth. And that became the Lie I based my life on ever since. I have no interest in men like that at all. 

Ever since this memory was released I have been staggering under the weight that my life was all a lie! 

I will add more soon, I gotta take a beak from this.

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I am so sorry that this happened to you. But I have to say, I really admire the way you're handling all of this!

Take your time :metoyou:

Sitting with you :hug:

Lydina

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@SumDumGuy I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. But I am glad you have come here for support and that you were also able to reach out to your T. Take gentle care, sitting with you if you'd like. :metoyou::cuppa:

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Posted (edited)

I am also very sorry that you have gone through so much and are newly struggling, as well. I, too, am still struggling with the whole being "prey" idea. I always had the thought that I was so strong and smart. No one would do that to me. It really crushes you to come to new realizations. Your identity is completely torn out from you. Everything you are saying is so true. I completely agree.

Edited by AmericanRose
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Thank you all so very much. As for taking it well, been faking that for so many years that it's pretty easy most of the time.  But inside I feel like a hurricane with a tornado in the middle. ⚡️??⛈?

And I also want to thank you for sitting with me and just being there. Nobody has ever done that for me, well, okay, how could they? No one knows. My wife just thinks I'm messed up in the head because of the effects of being trained in hand to hand combat, to kill. The Marines don't train in self defense or offense to take out your enemies. No, only to kill, that was all they wanted us to know. So I told my wife that my issues(her words)were from the psychological effects of my training. She believes that, so it works, the other stuff is my fault. I'll cover that some other time.

I never thought I was strong or smart, but never thought I wasn't, either. I joined the Military because I felt I had a duty to serve my country. I'm at least the 5th generation in my family on Dad's side, to do so. I chose the Marines because I wanted to stand out, the other kids going in, from my high school, were joined the other branches of service. Guess who wasn't "cool" but crazy instead? Yeah this guy, that's who. 

I have never felt so lost or alone or isolated ever before like I did when it hit me, the other week, that I am not who I thought I was. That I do not exist, that I am a fraud a lie, nobody nothing invisible worthless useless waste of time and space. The real me died way back when and the false me is what everyone sees and knows. 

I want to end here. I want to pick up where I left off with my story in my next post.

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I am glad you made it to here to find support and are also getting support in the way of counselors too. This is a huge thing to have come out of repression/denial and realize happened to you! I know when I first had SA come out as being part of my history it felt like my whole world exploded. No wonder you feel like a hurricane is sweeping through your head. It'll take time to get easier to wrap your head around but you're doing all the right things to get there. You are also far far from a waste of space. I am glad you are here!

I am sorry this man targeted you for his prey. It was never okay he did that no matter how he manipulated you otherwise.

Continuing to sit with you and keep you in my good thoughts of you'd like

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I'm sorry that all I can do is tell you that you are incredible, in more ways than one.

I send big big hugs to you. 

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@SumDumGuy I have read your posts elsewhere, and seen your caring, compassion and warmth. I am sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

'hurricane'  and 'tornado' are good descriptions for the sudden, overwhelming memories which hit us. So much of our life can seem a lie when these hit.

Here with you as you share your story, in your time, your way.

 

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Story pt II, a little on the long side, hope you readers don't fall asleep from boredom.

Still trigger warnings okay?

In the late Winter early Spring of 1994 was the first time I tried to kill myself. I didn't know specifically why, It was before my events happened. 

 I was 20 years old then.  Was having too much trouble handling the stress of Military life and work and adjusting to it all. I was actually at my workstation during work hours with a utility knife in my hand. Had my sleeve pulled up, blade out moving to make the first cut, along my arm, not across my wrist. This cut would almost guarantee success because the longer cut would bleed a lot faster. Another Marine walked into my shop and saw and ran over a grabbed the knife out of my hand. 

He took me to my division chief who, after 20 minutes of talk, sent me to the base Chaplain. That guy thought I would be fine after an hour talk. AND THAT WAS IT!!!!!!!

That was the long and short of it. No follow up, no psych eval, not even a regular medical appointment. NOTHING!!!!

Boy did I ever feel so not important or worth anything. 

My other 5 attempts would just be alcohol poisoning in my room at the barracks when nobody was around and I would be alone long enough that I couldn't be saved if it worked. These all happened after my 2 events. Which was about 6 months after the knife attempt.

I was car shopping for my very first car, and had gotten to know a salesman who was about 10 years older, and much bigger physically than me. 

He was just trying to sell me a car. But I guess after he learned about my struggles with the ladies, and my recently ended relationship that ended badly against me. He chose me as his next target. Lookin back I see how he laid his trap and bait, and like my screen name suggests, I fell for it.

Football season had just started, he invited me to his house to watch a game. Cool, sounds good. Went had some snacks, a few beers watched the game, by half time I had the beginnings of a buzz on when he started touching me on the couch, just on the legs. My mind didn't even register this as homosexual or sexual assault, which I didn't know at what time was assault anyway. My mind just stopped altogether working. I remember he grabbed my arm and pulled me up, said let's go to the bedroom to get more comfortable. Never mind the horrifying fact that my physical body was aroused by it.

He told me to undress and then used his hands and mouth on me. Afterwards he said to get dressed  and drove me back to base. He said if I tell anyone, he'll say it was consensual homosexual behavior. 

He called a week later with a car for to buy, and offered to cut his commission. I guess to make it more likely I would go. I didn't remember anything anyway. A few weeks later he called to invite me to an out of town wedding. Said his sister would be there, with no date, and I could be her date. She was very cute so I agreed. What with my bad luck with women, I thought why not. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

It was about a 3 hour drive out into the country. I found out, after the first hour, when we started driving into more heavily wooded part of the state. He began to tell me how he grew up in the woods, hunting and stuff. Said he knew all the places where nobody would ever find you. 

That night was nothing, next day the wedding, that night though was a repeat do before. Except no beer or snacks. Just thinly veiled threats. He said he could interfere with my car loan, cuz it was still very fresh. And that he could tell everyone I was gay and it was consensual and my idea. And then he reminded me of the woods, that he grew up in, and knew like the backs of his own hands.

But just like the first time hands and mouth only. He didn't want or ask me to touch him. Or go beyond what he did. 

I don't know what his reasons were, or if he would take it farther next time. 

On the way back, as we drove through the  woods he was a little more direct with his threats, saying they wouldn't find my body before the animals did, if I tell anyone. I was never more scared for my life before or since that moment in time. 

During the rest of the drive home my mind locked it all away. I remember telling myself that I wasn't gay, over and over, in my head.

And that was it, memory gone, completely replaced with the gay not gay idea. 

Now let me tell you the significance of the whole thing about being gay. During this time and the years before, homosexuals were not legally allowed to serve in the Military. The ones that did kept it hidden. Any that were discovered were kicked out with disgrace. But the worst part was many were getting savagely beaten by their fellow servicemen. I was deathly afraid of being falsely accused of being gay, being physically assaulted or killed, and being kicked out of Marines with a bad conduct discharge, or worse the figurative death blow, a dishonorable discharge...which pretty much screws you for the rest of your life.

OMG!!!! The threat of that was far far worse than the real truth of me being sexually assaulted. And so I had that demon in my head for years. 

I mean, Whenever I prayed I was begging God to forgive me for my sins of the false homosexual acts. Oh how screwed up I have been all these years begging for mercy and forgiveness for something I actually didn't do. 

The shame and guilt and humiliation have been so powerful I can't hardly believe I haven't killed myself since that time. 

I even made sure I wouldn't go unpunished when I asked my gf to marry me, some years later. She's good in all aspects except she has an endless supply of anger to unleash upon me whenever it suits her. I knew she would make sure I would be properly punished. And she has done an excellent job at that over the years. 

I have heard everything you can imagine, but the one that cut the deepest was calling me gay because I didn't want to have sex with her right after she said some really ugly things to me. Does anyone do that? She does not know any of my past, the suicide attempts, and of course nothing from my newly restored memory. 

After all these years of not really knowing why I was so messed up, nothing made any sense at all. I guess I feel a tiny bit better because now I know. My T said wasn't I the one that was having these brain fires ?? He told me before that his 30 plus years of experience only those with the deepest anguish and unimaginable hurt reported having brain fire like symptoms. And that it isn't very common either. Made me feel like I was a special kind of messed up. But I also felt validated. So that didn't bother me too much.

I think that covers it.

Feel free to ask questions. 

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3 hours ago, Kaidya said:

@SumDumGuy I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. But I am glad you have come here for support and that you were also able to reach out to your T. Take gentle care, sitting with you if you'd like. :metoyou::cuppa:

Kaidya,

Thank you so much. Yes, please do stay a sit for a spell. I feel less alone with you here. :bouquet:

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Flowering ? Rose,

Thank you for sitting with me. 

I am overwhelmed with everybody here, the love and kindness and honest caring. It's all so beautiful and so very different than what I'm used to. I never thought for one single second how it would be to have anyone so openly support me for any reason. 

I have heard stories of families that go through life's storms and joys as single unit, everybody loving on everybody. The whole clan going to one kids sporting event for a huge show of support. I always thought those kids won the family lottery when they were born. 

I feel that way here, even as I offer my own support to you and everyone else. Thank you thank you thank you! ???

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2 hours ago, autumn_colours said:

I'm sorry that all I can do is tell you that you are incredible, in more ways than one.

I send big big hugs to you. 

Don't be, from you it means everything to me. 

Big hugs are so wonderful. Thank you.

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@SumDumGuy

i am so sorry for everything you've been though and all the struggles you're having now.  Glad you are reaching out.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Sitting with you!

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1 hour ago, RoseOfSharon said:

@SumDumGuy I have read your posts elsewhere, and seen your caring, compassion and warmth. I am sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

'hurricane'  and 'tornado' are good descriptions for the sudden, overwhelming memories which hit us. So much of our life can seem a lie when these hit.

Here with you as you share your story, in your time, your way.

 

Rose ? of Sharon, 

I too am so glad I found pandy's. I know I would not survive this otherwise, and I don't just mean mentally either.

I share my love and compassion and caring because it's the only thing I have to give and it helps to remind me that somewhere in me is something of value. That I do have worthwhile reason to exist and keep on existing. 

I just remembered something, even back in school when I was on the less likely to have a gf or even just a date, I was always nice and compassionate towards girls/women/ladies. I always thought it pay off in the end. I still do, changing flat tires and such. That always made me feel silly, especially when even the spare tire went flat for one girl. But her Dad and big bro saved the day. 

It may be selfish of me to think I'll get some payoff from these unselfish acts of kindness. But I'll never stop doing it, and it has rubbed off on my wife and kids. 

Thank you for being here. ???

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You are of huge value. I understand the sexuality dynamics of your abuse, the being aroused by someone of the same gender.

My sa was by my adoptive mother from being a very small child through to 18 (just faced that fact today, how long it lasted...covert as I got older). My only relationships have been with women, but have always known I am bisexual. Now I suspect I may simply be heterosexual.

Our bodies, at any age, will respond to sexual touch. That response to someone of the same gender does not make us gay. My wife (complex relationship, on the brink...) struggles with the knowledge that I would never have a relationship with another woman again; that in the future it would be with a man (though if we do split, it would be a long, long time before I got involved with anyone again). 

I can fully understand you not wanting sex after having your wife be so harsh with you. 

Take care.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what happened. When my most recent memories came to the surface, it meant I was r*p*d while newly engaged & got married that summer, with no clue about my ordeal. I thought the guy had been persistent in trying to get in my pants but left. That's what I believed whole heartedly when I got married. Because that's the version of that night I needed to keep going. My mind was protecting me from the truth until I was ready but it's been uuuuggglllyy. I felt a bit like a fraud; my husband unknowingly married someone with rancid, foul smelling, (hidden) infected, abscessed baggage. I am not a fraud. You are not a fraud nor is your life based on a lie. It's based on the information that you had at the time. From the outside I see an incredibly courageous person, grappling with the impact of your memories coming out like a tsunami while you're battling to tread the snowy water from the avalanche of emotions. We're a supportive bunch. I'm sending you light that floats and sitting with, if ok. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by myownwolfe
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Thank you both, RoseOfSharon and myownwolf for your support and kindness.

I don't know how you or any one else does it. I have a very very hard time accepting encouragement and positive reinforcement. And when credit is given I defer and deflect it towards others. It has cost me public recognition and a promotion or two.

When my wife and I were going through Foster Parent training back in 2015, one of the sessions was dealing with the importance of loving these children like our own...especially boys. They said statistics have shown that with boys more so than girls don't recover well on their own into and through adulthood. And that it isn't too difficult to heal a hurt boy, but nearly impossible to fix a broken man. And that was based on statistics. And I had thought to myself, could I beat the odds? And this was well before these memories came back.

For now I am so much more afraid of anyone finding out. I know it's irrational but I am truly scared. I don't know when or if I will ever be ready to stop hiding my secret past.

Yes, please sit and stay a while. That would be so nice. Light that floats sounds so beautiful and peaceful. Thank you.

SDG

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I'm sorry, you were hurt. No one has the right to do that.  Did he taunt you with it after? (I apologize if it's too personal, and you don't have to answer, if it is. )

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17 minutes ago, blondie2002 said:

I'm sorry, you were hurt. No one has the right to do that.  Did he taunt you with it after? (I apologize if it's too personal, and you don't have to answer, if it is. )

No taunts just implied threats of death. I am about 5'9 he was about 6'5, I weighed around 160, him 300lbs. He never said out right that he would kill me if I told. He said things like they would never find my body in those woods. He knew where he could hide it that I would be lost for all time. Taunting I guess maybe because he was smiling in a way I never saw him do before, while saying those things. Sent chills down my spine.

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Wow, I cannot believe the absolute gall of that thing that targeted you. I won't use the term man because he isn't one. You, however, are a very strong and honorable man. Rmember that. :balloon:

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I understand, that's what "the psycho" did to me. :tear: Feel free to check out my story. :trigger:

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Hi @SumDumGuy, I'm glad you've found a voice in this place. 

I've read through everything you've written so far, and I'm sorry that thing targeted you. It's frightening to think about how these people choose their victims. I've also really struggled with the concept of being gay, or being turned gay by the abuse suffered. Though I eventually  (very recently) come to accept myself as bi, I was also at least lucky enough to grow up in a time where homosexuality was really starting to become accepted in the western world, rights were being won. Assuming you're straight, I really feel for you, when you described how you felt it necessary to hide what was going on out of fear of very real and dire consequences. It must of felt so isolating. Seriously though you're doing great, you come and across as someone who's both intelligent and strong, and I hope you'll continue to do well here and beyond. 

12 hours ago, SumDumGuy said:

They said statistics have shown that with boys more so than girls don't recover well on their own into and through adulthood. And that it isn't too difficult to heal a hurt boy, but nearly impossible to fix a broken man. And that was based on statistics. And I had thought to myself, could I beat the odds?

It probably seems that way because there's a lack of services in that department, and not well advertised either. Still, I definitely believe both of us can beat those odds. 

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Hi @SumDumGuy . I am so sorry that you were hurt as you were, and with nowhere to turn but to bury it in your mind. I haven't had any surprise flashbacks yet - but I am sure they are coming. Frankly it scares me a lot, but reading your story and how you are working through it - step by step, seeking support, facing it head on - gives me strength, a model of how it is possible - and makes me a little bit less scared because of your bravery. So thank you. 

Please know that I am sitting here with you as well and offering my support.

Carson

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You can definitely beat the odds!

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Hello @SumDumGuy. I just wanted to say, again, that I'm sorry you went through so much. Please know that none of this is your fault and that you asked for none of this. I went back to the person that abused me too; multiple times (if not physically, then at least emotionally). I did it because it was easier to accept that he was good and not bad. I did it to cope. And regarding you being punished, I just need to say that you have nothing you need to be punished for. What happened to you was someone else's crime, not yours. You are innocent. You did nothing wrong.

Sitting with you and offering you lots of support!

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