DeeDeeC

I'm hoping this is cathartic

99 posts in this topic

I'm not sure if I can do this. I know I can't do it all at once. I've been told it would be cathartic to relate my story. I can't seem to verbalize it. I've tried a million times to journal it but I always burn it or throw it over the cliffs into the river near where I live. I've said before that I feel like I'm whining. I do. Why am I not over all of this shit already? It's been years and yet it still feels like all of it happened yesterday. I lived in hell for almost thirteen years and even though I am physically safe now I feel more terrified today than when everything was happening. How can that be? My T said it's because I dissociated so much while it was happening that I'm only now really starting to allow myself to "experience" it. Great! I get to "live" through it AGAIN!:gaah:

I can't start at the beginning. The child in me is not ready to talk about what happened to that five year old. I will say that my abuser was a brother who was much older than me and who was charged with taking care of me as both my parents worked very long hours. I learned at a very early aged that if I didn't follow his rules and do things exactly as he wanted them done there were consequences to be had. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't always follow the rules.

TW

One day after school I was home alone with him, as usual. I was in my room trying to do homework. He came in and demanded I perform oral sex on him. I knew the only way I was going to get my homework done was to get this over with. He started to reach orgasm and thrust a little too much and I started to gag. I choked. That was against the rules. One of the rules was that I was required to swallow. But I couldn't because I choked. He got so enraged. He always carried a switchblade on him. He pulled it out and decided to rape me with his knife. Then he left me there to clean up the mess. I somehow managed to stop the bleeding and clean up everything before my parents got home. I was fifteen. Several months later I had a miscarriage (from him) and the doctor found all the scar tissue and damage. He did several surgeries. I could never have children. My parents never questioned any of it. My brother was the golden boy.

Okay, too much already. Sorry to ramble. Can't handle anymore right now. No need to respond. I'm just trying to get some of this out.

 

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You have been so brave to share the awful abuse you endured. 

Take gentle care. 

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I don't know why I just couldn't follow the damn rules. That's all I had to do to stay safe and I couldn't even do that right. 

He used to make me drive with him into the city to get his drugs. He figured a cop wouldn't bother him with a thirteen year old in the car with him. But of course I had to entertain him during the ride. When the rules weren't followed then I would just get my head slammed into the dashboard. I used to think that was bad. Who knew?

i just couldn't follow the damn rules. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

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Deedee we hear you and you should have NEVER ever had to follow rules like these. Ever. I know some part of you must feel like if you only did it would have been easier, since that was his manipulating that convinced you that, but it's just not true. He was sadistic and wanted complete control so he made the whole thing impossible so he could hurt you more and make you feel guilty for that fact.

What he did was very very bad. And of course you're messed up from it. You lived a nightmare with him so many years and no one stepped in to help. Your therapist is very accurate in that you were so dissociated then the feelings can only come now. It makes sense you are terrified. All that terror got trapped with no where to go.

This was monstrous to have to endure and I am so sorry you ever did. This is so brave to be sharing here too. Here for you through this if you'd like company

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I'm so sorry, your brother hurt you. 

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Thank you. Can't say more now. Need rest. 

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I sometimes wonder which was worse. When I was sexually abused or when he fucked with my head. 

I was napping after school one day when I was awakened by the usual demands. I had been in such a deep sleep I was confused. I pushed past him and ran to the bathroom. It was the only room in the house with a lock. You had to have a key to lock the door. I couldn't find the key. He had taken it. I propped myself against the door and cried. He kept trying to get in and was screaming at me. 

I heard him walk into another room and took a chance. I bolted out the door and down the stairs. He ran after me. He grabbed my shirt but I got away. I ran out the back door. Just as I slammed the door he reached for me and put his arm right through the window pane. I heard the glass break. I ran faster than I ever had before. I ran the four blocks to my friends house. 

She let me stay with her while she had her piano lesson. She didn't even ask why I had no shoes on. I sat on the floor and let Beethoven carry me away. When I thought it was late enough that my parents would be back from work I went home. 

My brother had ten stitches in his arm and told my parents it was an accident. He never even told them I had been home. He was being really nice and I wasn't sure why. I figured I got away with it. I broke the rules but I got away with it. 

 

Not really...just thinking about what happened next is making me ill. Too much panic. Too much. Too much. 

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We feel for you so much, having had to survive this. What terror you were in :( To have to live with this monster. I hope you can see how resourceful you were here at the same time; you fought so hard for yourself in *impossible* odds. And you are still writing here when it'd so hard. You're very brave and strong for being here, and at the same time very much witnessing all the pain and fear you've had to go through and still deal with in the aftermath

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Thank you FloweringRose. I don't feel brave for me. I feel the need to tell the story for the ones inside of me who endured all of this. They were brave. 

TW

The next day I got home from school and ran to my room. I knew he would be mad and expected he would make me pay in some way. Usually he would just smack me around a little after r**ing me. I was ready for that. 

He walked into my room very calmly. He said that I would never do that to him again. I told him I was sorry. He said I was about to be sorry. 

He pinned me on my stomach and ripped off my pants. He pushed my face into the pillow and pulled my long hair back to keep control of my head. That was the first time he sodomized me. I had never felt such pain. I thought it would never end. The harder I cried the harder he'd push my face into the pillow so I couldn't breathe. He wanted to give me something to cry about. 

When he was done all he said was that I would never do that to him again. 

I haven't cried since that day. 

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Dear @DeeDeeC

Can you reach out for help in real life? I am worried about your safety since you are still trapped in the abuse. 

On your question in your first post, for me after the fact, the messing with my sense of reality is very hard to heal from. You are right to be concerned about that, but first you must survive physically

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Laire 

I am safe and physically thousands of miles away from my abuser. Since I could not be mentally present when the abuse happened- years ago- my mind has decided to make me relive it now. It feels as real as if it did just happen but all of the physical wounds have healed. I am in therapy with a terrific trauma therapist. I'm just trying to work through some of this. As I have memories and feelings I try to remember it is no longer happening but sometimes I do forget.  I am only still trapped in the abuse in my head. Thank you for your concern. 

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@DeeDeeC I am happy to hear you are physically safe. I understand totally having parts reliving the abuse - I also have that issue. 

I'm glad you have a good trauma therapist. I am also fortunate enough to have a good trauma therapist which is making a huge difference in my life. 

Safe hugs if ok. All my best

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We hear you DeeDee about how that was the last time you cried :( So much horror and pain for a child to go through. I am very glad you have a good trauma therapist through this! You deserve all the support you can get. And also even with being split into parts that bravery is inside you and your system. It's in you for getting to here and speaking this too.

We are supporting you through this how we can :metoyou:

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One day after school he decided to take me for a ride in his car. It was a nice day and he seemed to be in a good mood so I agreed. As soon as I saw he was driving over the George Washington Bridge, I knew 2 things were going to happen. One: he was going to score drugs in Harlem and two: he was expecting some "performance" on my part. 

I was tired and didn't want to accommodate him. I started to whine. He HATED when I whined. He unzipped his jeans and told me if I didn't get busy he was going to sell me to the guy he got his fix from. I moved away from him as far as I could. He kept trying to pull me to him but there was a bit of traffic and he couldn't get me. 

He double parked - as usual - in the city and left me in the car. He shot me the nastiest look I had ever seen and walked into the "vacant" house. About five minutes later he came out with another guy and was smiling and talking to him and pointing at me. My heart dropped into my stomach. I thought he made good on his promise to sell me. I fell into a ball on the floor of the car. 

A few minutes later he got in the car and started to drive away. He pulled me off the floor by my hair and asked me if there was going to be another problem on the way home. There was no problem.

i don't remember if I even took a breath the entire time driving home. I was just amazed that I was being allowed to go home. 

Breaking the rules really isn't something I do much still to this day. I'm so afraid of the consequences. 

Im sorry I'm rambling again. I'm just trying to get it out as I remember it. 

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Too dark. Eyes covered. Pushed down. Can't stop it. Hands being tied to something. Can't stop it. Can't move. Can't cry. Can't feel. Can't breathe. Can't escape. Can't ... do this anymore. 

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Want to come back when I am feeling less low on words but witnessing the fear and pain and here with you through it if you need company :holdhands:

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Now that I feel I have more words. You are not rambling. You're talking about real serious crimes and traumas that happened to you. It is okay to do now. You will find care and support here no matter what you need to share :metoyou:

Your brother was terrifying. That car trip was hellish and the way he constantly terrorized and threatened you, it is so so brutal. No wonder you are scared to break rules. He made it so there was no question of following him no matter what he did. Which is an eroding and horrifying way to live :(

I am so glad you are still alive and with a good trauma therapist. It is amazing you survived such horrors, and are here today with us to talk. And :hug:if you would like them

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Thank you FloweringRose. Sometimes I wonder how I lived through this myself but I guess I'm stronger than I let myself admit. 

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I tried to sleep in late one Saturday when I was still in high school. My brother came into my room for a little "fun". In the middle of everything my mother walked in.   

She looked at both of us and turned around and walked down the stairs. She didn't talk to me for a week. Not one word. Then she acted like nothing happened. 

I figured that meant it really was my fault. She never stopped him. She never said a word to me about it. I was on my own and was getting what I deserved. 

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Oh deedee, that was horrible of your mother to not only not step in, but to make you feel this was your fault by ignoring you for a week. It was *never* your fault and you deserved to be helped and be safe, not any of this. I am sorry you went through this hell without anywhere to turn

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The question is do I forgive my mother? A few years later she told me that she was abused by her father and when she saw what was happening she didn't know what to do. 

I understand that she may have had her own issues but how do you not protect your own daughter? If I saw someone abusing someone else I wouldn't hesitate to do something. 

I just don't know if I should let her off the hook. I can't seem to let myself off the hook. Why should I give her the that courtesy? 

The weird thing is that since I always assumed she blamed me I spent years trying to make it up to her. Again no breaking of rules. I was an honor roll student. I was the "model" child. And it never seemed to be enough. 

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When I was in high school I had a boyfriend. He was very sweet to me. He never made me do anything I didn't want to do. We went for a walk one night and ended up in the park a few blocks from my house. A lot kids went to this park to make out because it had a secluded area and at night no one could see you. The only problem was that the park was right next to the gas station that my brother worked at. 

I guess he was having a slow night and heard some noise in the woods and decided to spy on the kids making out. He saw me with my boyfriend and became outraged. He chased my boyfriend away and came after me. He didn't know I had a boyfriend and he was pissed. 

Unfortunately for me it was a secluded area. He made me pay for making out with that boy. I was his and no one else could have me. 

Yet another rule I had to learn. 

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You aren't obligated to forgive your mother, even knowing her CSA. You are absolutely right you should've been protected and had her step in.

I am sorry your brother took away even caring and sweet people from you. And that you had to live by rule after rule and feel it was never enough. This was so so horrific of him all around :holdhands:

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@DeeDeeC What you went through was horrendous. I cannot imagine the pain. Thank you for being brave enough to share. We are here. We are listening. Just take your time. 

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Thank you both. I'm trying. I know I need to get this crap out. The support you have been providing has been a real boost. 

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