T_Rex

Not sure about this

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I feel bad about writing this. I don't know how to start. I'm a pretty logical and factual guy, so I guess I'll just list facts. Warning, I curse a lot at baseline.

- I got fucked around with by older kids when I was younger. No actual sex, but close enough to be confusing. 

- I was manipulated into fucking around with guys online when I was 11 or 12. There are probably dozens of photos and videos of me posing naked, jerking off, messing around with grown men, etc. floating around the Internet. It's fucking disgusting. 

- I had a drug problem in college and subsequently ended up getting fucked in the ass against my will. By far one of the most physically painful experiences of my life. I had been penetrated before, but not by a penis and definitely not by anything as big as his dick. It felt like I was being torn in half. He made me jerk off afterwards and I came, which is confusing.

My life fell apart for a while after that. I ended up having sex with a lot of random people, both men and women. Sometimes I did it for money. Sometimes for free. Mostly just to be self destructive. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to get some of it off my chest. 

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Dear @T_Rex,

Cursing doesn't bother me. I'm glad it helped you get it off your chest. 

I'm sorry for the abuse and, if it's okay with you, I'd like to say I'm sorry for the r*. It's very understandable that your life would fall apart after being assaulted in that way.

Please keep sharing, as it feels okay to you to do.

T

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Posted (edited)

I'm hesitant to label it rape. I was an adult at the time. It wasn't  particularly violent. I was just too high to resist effectively. I don't know...maybe it was rape. I did bleed at the end. I even cried after he made me cum. It was pathetic. 

Edited by T_Rex

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Posted (edited)

Dear @T_Rex,

It's okay, you don't have to label it anything until you're ready. Maybe you can think about what you'd call it if he had done that to a girl, if that feels safe to do. 

You're not pathetic - he is. And I'm so sorry he did that to you. I'm so sorry for the tears and the violence and the pain. It doesn't matter to me that you were an adult; you still should have been safe, especially if you were high.

You are being very brave in sharing your story. There are lots of people here who can relate to you. I can relate to the feelings of helplessness at having your body do something that is beyond your control. You're not alone. 

T

Edited by Tapestry
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I guess if it the same thing had happened to a girl, I would probably call it rape. That's a good point. It's confusing because I'm pretty strong physically - and in college I was in even better shape than I am now - and he wasn't that much bigger than me. So I guess the fact that there wasn't as much of a physical difference between us is why I struggle to call it rape. 

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Posted (edited)

@T_Rex - I get that. Sometimes the image that we have of rape in our heads is one of somebody being completely overpowered by another person; it seems to make it feel that there is a clear-cut case that there was no consent. But there are lots of cases where consent isn't given that don't look like that. You didn't want this to happen; you didn't want the penetration or the forced response after that. You didn't give consent. 

I won't force you to label it in any way you don't want to; nobody here will. But if you do want to call it rape, this is a safe place to say that. Nobody will invalidate you. 

Much of my rape didn't look like being physically overpowered or assaulted. But it was still rape. I didn't consent to it. I didn't want it. He did it anyways. 

Sitting with you in your struggle, if that's okay. Please know that you are in a safe place to explore all of your feelings about this. And it is also safe to just be here and feel confused. You don't have to label or push yourself too hard. It's okay to just be yourself. 

Edited by Tapestry
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Well shit... The more I think about it, the more I think it was actually rape. I got raped. That's pretty fucking overwhelming. I don't know what to do with this. Any suggestions will be appreciated. 

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It's ok to be overwhelmed. That's a real heavy truth you're dealing with. 

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Posted (edited)

There's a lot of things I've left out because I am not sure what they are. 

I used to fuck around with the babysitter. She was probably around 16. I was 7 or 8. She didn't hurt me or anything, but she used to jerk me off, suck my dick, make me go down on her, etc. I don't think we ever had sex. I wasn't scared of her and half the time I wanted to do those things. I only resisted a few times, like the first few times we did stuff and then whenever she asked me to go down on her. But I liked when she would suck me off. The only time it hurt is when she would put her fingers in my ass or when she squeezed too hard when she was jerking me off, but that only happened a few times. I never told anyone at the time because she told me we would get in trouble. I don't know what to call this. I have mixed feelings about it even now. 

Edited by T_Rex
typo

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@T_Rex I'm out grocery shopping at the moment but I wanted to let you know how brave you are in sharing this, especially when you still are feeling a lot of doubt around it. Your words matter and are being heard. 

Please keep sharing as it feels okay and I will reply more in a little bit. Thank you for your trust in all of us.

T

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Thanks. I didn't mean to go into so much detail, it just kind of came out. Sorry about that. I know it's fucking disgusting to read about little boys having sex. 

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It's okay, @T_Rex. It's not disgusting, it's just what happened. It's not what should have happened but it still did and you will not be judged for any of it.

I have parts to my story that I feel are far more disgusting. I share this not to compare but to let you know you're not alone in feeling that way. It's one of the symptoms of being abused sexually. 

I know you're struggling to name this and that's okay. You don't have to name anything until you're ready for it. It's good to keep sharing. 

I have sons who are around the age you were and if this happened to them, I would be very angry at the babysitter for violating their and my trust, for sexually touching them without consent  (a child cannot give consent because he or she doesn't understand) and for not just doing it once but multiple times, conditioning them and manipulating them into keeping something a secret that was clearly not their fault. She would hear my anger very strongly and I would look for help to support them in understanding what had happened so they could heal and rebuild their boundaries.

T

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Thanks @Tapestry. I guess sometimes I think about it and it feels like ...yeah that was fucked up, it must have been sexual abuse. But then other times I think about it and it's just like...well I'm a guy and guys want sex from a real young age, so it must have been ok...like I was just hitting that stage a little sooner than most or something. I don't know. Kids fuck around with each other, don't they? Isn't that normal? 

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It can be confusing to try to name it because of all the things you mentioned. It can also be emotionally challenging because all of a sudden you feel vulnerable and want to blame yourself for why it happened. That's self-protective in a way so you don't feel as if you didn't have a choice. 

But it sounds like you can see clearly there were choices she took away. You resisted the first few times and she took away the choice -- the no -- you were expressing in your resistance. She also penetrated you in places you didn't want. 

You seem like a decent guy and I'm pretty sure you would check with any woman if those were things she wanted. Why would you deserve any less?

T

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Yeah that makes sense. But ... Could it have been abuse sometimes but not others? Like a few times she was nice about it and made me feel like I was in control. When she was just jerking me off I didn't really mind it.  

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Sounds like she was trying to mess with your mind. Your age at the time of the assaults makes it impossible for you have to consented, and that automatically makes it abuse. Submission is not consent. Physical pleasure is not consent. This was not your fault.  

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@T_Rex There is the legal side that says it was wrong. And also the moral side that says it was wrong. 

But I think a lot of this depends on how you feel about it. Have you read the thread about forced arousal? Sometimes things can be done to our bodies that does feel nice from a body perspective. Sometimes they feel so nice that we respond even more to them and forget about if it was something we wanted. 

It's even more confusing when the person is nice to you after. Sometimes the only time the person is nice to you is after. Sometimes it makes us feel like we betrayed ourselves or in order to feel like we didn't betray ourselves, we feel like we wanted it. 

The truth is something that we all come to in our own time. It's not healthy to blame yourself for a long time. It's also hard to convince yourself that you wanted something but feel lots of mixed feelings about it and feel bad that you wanted it. But there's always a third choice. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

T

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I feel like the more I think about all this stuff and write about it, the more shit it drudges up. I didn't really ever repress memories or anything like that, I just haven't thought about certain things in a very long time. It's like the floodgates are opening. I don't feel like I'm equipped to handle it all. I feel so overwhelmed. I can't seek professional help - I don't what I would say. I can't say these words out loud. Not ever. I don't know what to do to be better. 

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@T_Rex, I get it. I couldn't say any words to start with for a long time. 

Have you heard of somatic experiencing? It is about the feelings in your body  (not sexual, more like tight chest or locked legs, etc.). That may be a good route to explore. If I had known more about it when I started this, it would have been my starting point.

T

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SE involves a guided exploration of the physical dysregulation that is harbored in the body as a result of trauma. Sessions often do not focus on talking about traumatic experiences. Clients are educated about how the body regulates stress and learn to track the related physical sensations, feelings, thoughts and images that arise from traumatic memories.

Techniques include "titration" of the client's experience. Titration allows the client to experience small amounts of the event's distress at a time in order to release the stored energy and allow their nervous system to return to balance. The client is not retraumatized and can experience successful resolution.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

 

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That sounds promising. How would I set that up though? Wouldn't they have to the basics of what happened or at least that there's some kind of traumatic experience (

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@T_Rex -- I went to a consultation with a somatic therapist after my most recent T terminated me. I did the super high-level talk track of "Yeah, some things happened to me when I was a kid and a few other things happened when I was older" and we just made small talk after. She explained how she worked in terms of touch or other ways to work through different body part sensations.

I got the sense that it would be very much about talking about how my body felt (tight), my emotions  (fear) and being able to either stay in those emotions or at least working on that part without necessarily talking about what happened. She also had cbt as a skill because she said sometimes it happened that a session might be more talk-focussed if a client wanted that.

She seemed like a decent person and the approach seemed solid. I just haven't been able to commit to another therapeutic relationship. Too damaged from other ones. So I guess we all have our own challenges, hey? 

T

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@T_Rex - I just wanted to clarify my last comment above. I wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't trying to minimize any of your feelings. I was more trying to let you know that I'm not perfect, either. But I think it might have been a poorly-worded way to do that. I hope it didn't offend you.

T

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No worries, no offense taken. 

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Posted (edited)

There's this one set of experiences that's been swirling around in my head recently and I'm not sure what to make of it. 

When I was like 8 or 9 or 10, some older guys who were on the soccer team above ours (i.e. same coach but different age bracket) sort of took me into their group. They were all teenagers, 14-17 years old. They'd let me hang out with them after practice and games. We would play video games, listen to music, smoke cigarettes, etc.

One day we went to Brad's house to play video games. His parents were gone. They gave me a beer and told me to chug it. It tasted awful, but I drank it anyway. And it made me feel great. But instead of playing video games, Brad played a porn movie. This made me a little uncomfortable because of the stuff that happened with the babysitter, but it was also making me ...aroused. I couldn't get myself to look away. Brad noticed my boner and pointed it out to the other guys, almost like he was proud of me. He just kept commenting on how big it was and how someone my age shouldn't have such a big dick. He eventually convinced me to take it out and show them. He measured it himself and then they all measured their own. I was bigger than the 14 year old and they all teased him about it. Their boners eventually all went down after that, but mine stayed - I guess because the movie was still on. Brad then told me about blue balls and how it would hurt me a lot if I didn't cum. When I was younger and fucked around with the sitter, I never ejaculated, so I didn't really have a concept of what he meant by that.

I guess he could see that I was confused, so he skipped the movie ahead to the end when they guy came and told me I needed to do that. I told him I didn't want to, but he insisted. He spit on his hand and put it on my dick. Then he took my hand and made me jerk off - his hand was on top of my own. It kind of hurt because he was going really fast and hard, but it felt good too. The other guys were still around. One was watching me and the other 2 were in the other part of the basement. It took forever, but eventually I ejaculated. It felt amazing and awful and embarrassing all at the same time. Brad said I was a man now. "Aren't you glad I taught you how to be a man?" But then he said since he helped me, I had to help him next. 

...I feel like shit, so I'm just going to finish this later. 

Edited by T_Rex

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