lauru

Lauru's Lament

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Posted (edited)

Please know that what follows is my story unedited and raw. I want to just say it the way it was, because it really was that bad. I'm tired of pretending (to family) that what happened didn't or it wasn't that bad. So you have been warned. Please take care

:trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/> :trigger:/>

I was 4 years old when it started. I remember because that was when I started Kindergarten. Before this I loved my daddy. But that was not to last. He had always been mean to my brothers and my mom, but I was too little to know any better. Then he started in on me. He would have me come into his and my mom's bed every night after dinner and a bath. Mom would stay out in the living room and watch TV with my brothers. My dad would be in just his underwear that was always loose and full of holes. But that didn't really matter. I saw everything of his anyways. He made sure of that. I was always in a nightgown. Easy access. I used to like my dresses and nightgowns, I felt pretty. But then I didn't want to be pretty anymore. He would have me lay in front of him up against his p. I could feel it grow and twitch and get hard. I didn't know what was happening yet. I figured it out later after he "educated" me. He would pick me up and rub me on his p. back and forth. He rubbed my privates against his p. He used me like a rag doll. Later he made me rub him with my hands. He showed me how and got angry when I cried. Later he tried to push his p. in my mouth. He pushed and shoved but only just the tip could get in because I was so small. So he grabbed me by the hair with his left hand and shoved his finger on his right hand into my mouth and jerked down. That was the first time I felt my jaw pop. It got stuck open and I cried. He said, no like this! open it like this! You fucking bitch! You stupid fucking bitch! While my jaw was stuck open, he shoved his p. into it back and forth. He tried to get it down my throat but I was just too small. I threw up. He slapped me and rubbed my face in it. But later, when I got older he stuck it down my throat. I kept trying to throw up, but he filled my throat. He would yell at me, don't you do it you bitch! Don't throw up or I'll kill you! Suck it like the cunt you are! Kiss it, kiss it. Yeah, that's it. ah huh. :scared2::tear:

There's a lot more. But this is what I can do tonight. I have therapy tomorrow. I have some new things to tell my therapist. He is a kind, gentle man. I didn't know they existed.

Edited by lauru
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I'm so sorry that your father treated yodu this way Lauru. He is a disgusting animal. I'm glad that your therapist is kind and gentle. You deserve nothing less than that. :metoyou:

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How I can relate to your story and I know how difficult it is to write this stuff down and share it. I am so honored that you would share this story with us

here at Pandys. You are brave. Please continue to share and if you would like to PM me, feel free to do so. There is so much power we take back when

we tell it like it is, like it was.

Always remember that you are not alone. metoyou.gif

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My father told me it was my turn now. After he shoved his p into my mouth and raped me with it. After he dislocated my jaw once again. Now, I guess, it was my turn. He told me I would like it. That I would love it. I didn't like it. I loathed it. It is abhorrent to me. It was then and it is now. He picked me up, spread my legs and put my privates onto his mouth. Then he made those noises. Those disgusting noises he always made when he licked me down there. He would stop after a while and smack his lips and say. Damn you taste good! You taste so good I could eat you up! Then he started biting me. He bit my thighs, the outer lips, the inner lips, the clitoris. It hurt so bad. But I knew if I made noise I would be really hurt. He would kill me if Mom came into their bedroom and saw what he did. He would kill me and Mom and my little sister. And it would be all my fault. He told me not to tell. And if she found out, it would be telling. I was so afraid. I just cried as quietly as I could. And he told me, I knew you would like it. But I didn't. I didn't like it at all.

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How I can relate to your story and I know how difficult it is to write this stuff down and share it. I am so honored that you would share this story with us

here at Pandys. You are brave. Please continue to share and if you would like to PM me, feel free to do so. There is so much power we take back when

we tell it like it is, like it was.

Always remember that you are not alone. metoyou.gif

Thank you so much.

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I don't know what you're going through, but I know that your experience is terrible, lasting, and valid. Moreover, I hope it's able to be overcome. Your soul isn't a ball of wax that people press seals into; it's malleable, changing, and constantly becoming better and more complete. I hope you can make it into something you love.

I hope that you're far away (physically and emotionally) from that father who intended to hurt you. He is no more powerful than you and his repeated attempts to make you less powerful than him are only an expression of his inner weakness.

In other words; he's a jerk (to put it insanely lightly).

I'm sitting with you tonight (if you'll allow it) and every night you need a friend.

Yours sincerely,

Tessa

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Dear Lauru,

I am lacking words, but I just want you to know I am reading. I hear you, and my heart breaks- truly, truly breaks- knowing this piece of what you have been forced through. This should have never, ever happened and it was not your fault. I am so angry at your father for how badly he hurt you, and so angry that you were not protected. I am glad you are working with a kind and gentle T- you very much deserve that.

With you,

Perhapsapoet

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I don't know what you're going through, but I know that your experience is terrible, lasting, and valid. Moreover, I hope it's able to be overcome. Your soul isn't a ball of wax that people press seals into; it's malleable, changing, and constantly becoming better and more complete. I hope you can make it into something you love.

I hope that you're far away (physically and emotionally) from that father who intended to hurt you. He is no more powerful than you and his repeated attempts to make you less powerful than him are only an expression of his inner weakness.

In other words; he's a jerk (to put it insanely lightly).

I'm sitting with you tonight (if you'll allow it) and every night you need a friend.

Yours sincerely,

Tessa

Thank you, I need a friend. I don't have any. He is dead now and has been for many years. But he is still alive in me. I will never get him out of me.

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Dear Lauru,

I am lacking words, but I just want you to know I am reading. I hear you, and my heart breaks- truly, truly breaks- knowing this piece of what you have been forced through. This should have never, ever happened and it was not your fault. I am so angry at your father for how badly he hurt you, and so angry that you were not protected. I am glad you are working with a kind and gentle T- you very much deserve that.

With you,

Perhapsapoet

Thank you

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:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

So, he would kiss me really hard and force his tongue into my mouth. It was so nasty. I hated it and I didn't even understand it was kissing because it was so different from the way I had to kiss him and my mom goodnight. Then sometimes, he would open my mouth with his hand, pulling my jaw down. I thought he was going to stick his p. in there, but he didn't. He spit in my mouth. He SPIT in my mouth! It was disgusting and wretched. The only thing worse or just as bad was when he would make me give him a handjob. When he came and he got it all over my hand, I had to lick it off and swallow it. Then I had to lick him off and swallow it. It was so nasty. This is bad, so read with extra caution or not at all

Sometimes when I had to lick his cum off of me or him, it would take me a while because I was trying not to throw up because then I would get in trouble. So sometimes, the cum was cold. It was bad enough hot, but it was worse cold. I feel so ashamed. so ashamed.

He would force his tongue into my mouth and lick me all over inside my mouth. Sometimes he would just really slowly lick the side of my face. It was so humiliating and gross. This was worse to me. Worse than the anal rape because it was so much more intimate. Or at least it seemed that way. All of the oral stuff was so hard for me. I don't know why. I have a hard time swallowing now. I never throw up, even when sick. I would get into so much trouble when I threw up. And I felt like I was dying, because I would throw up when he was in my mouth. And the vomit with his p. would gag me and I couldn't breathe.

I thought I was dying. When he stuck his finger in my anus it was almost a relief. He kept feeding more and more fingers into my anus over the months and years. When I got older, he graduated to putting his p. inside my anus. It was never vaginal, just anal. It's odd but I feel almost nothing when I talk about the anal rape. I don't know if it is because it wasn't so bad or if it was so bad that I just blocked it all out. The emotion, blocked out all of the emotion. I would imagine it would be terrifying, but I feel nothing.

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I heard screaming that night, a few days after my 10th birthday. He was on top of the little girl that looked like me. I think she was screaming. He had just shoved his penis in her anus. He put his hand over her mouth and face. He put his hand over her nose and said, shut up or I will make sure you never breathe again. She kept screaming, she couldn't help it. So he put his hand around her throat and squeezed really hard.I saw stars and couldn't breathe, then I was gone again. Above him and her. He flipped her over on her stomach and told her to get up on her knees like the bitch she was. He grabbed her hips and pulled her back onto him over and over. Back and forth. She screamed again and he grabbed her throat from the back and squeezed. She fell onto the bed and laid there for quite a while. She had stuff coming out of her anus. She just laid there and stared off into space. He slapped her ass. While he was pulling her waist, he would pause every so often and slap her on the ass. It looked like it hurt. Then I remember waking up on the bed. My head was turned to the side and he was getting off of me. I heard him say, you like that bitch, don't you. I knew you would like it. I didn't know exactly what happened, but I knew I wanted to go away, to die and never come back. I felt something warm coming out of my ass. It leaked onto the towel below me and onto my leg. I cried silently. My throat felt hoarse and I couldn't breathe right. I kept coughing. But whatever it was, it was over for now.

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I used to experience physical things when my father was abusing me. He would rub me down there and just wouldn't stop and eventually it would get slippery. I was so ashamed. I hated the feeling and the jerking that would happen when he kept rubbing me down there. And yet when I was little, I would compulsively rub myself against things to get the same feeling. It didn't quite work that way, but I kept rubbing myself against things. I am so ashamed. It must mean that I wanted it, but I swear that I didn't. I swear. It was horrifying. He was hairy and rough and just awful. Just so awful. I hated him and I was so afraid of him. He died years ago and yet he still scares me. I am afraid of his spirit. I can't get away from him, I just can't. I feel so guilty because it was my fault. All my fault. I reacted that way. I am bad and dirty and worthless.

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He made me into a little slut, a dirty whore. I was 10 and he was my father. My little sister was 5. He was going to start in on her. He said he loved her too, so very much like he loved me. He said, I'm gonna go get her. I said, no daddy wait. I know what you like. I know the way you like it. So I opened my mouth and I put him in my mouth, and i moved my face back and forth. He pushed me away to go get her. I said no daddy, please, do me. I love you. I know how you like it. I love you daddy, do me. You know how I like it, do me. Uh huh I like it you know I do. Do me daddy, do me. And he did. And it was all my fault. All my fucking fault. I am nothing but a dirty filthy whore and I hate myself. I am disgusting. I hate myself so much. I am repulsive.

I did that over and over for so long. I sat on him and rubbed myself back and forth. I wiggled my hips so he would like it more. I smiled and told him how much I liked it and to do it harder and harder. Asked him to rub me there, took his hand and put it on me and moved his hand. He would just laught and say you really want it don't you. Damn you are such a little slut. I knew you liked it. I knew it.

And he later he brought her into the bedroom anyways. Not that night, But later. And he moved me behind him and her in front of him. I tried to take her place but he wouldn't let me. I was getting too old.The next year when I was 11, it stopped. In the summer. I started my period and I didn't know what it was so he didn't know about it until that night. He went to touch me there and I was bleeding. He said Son of a bitch! You fucking cunt! Why didn't you tell me you were bleeding. Here, how do you like it? And he smeared it on my face under my nose. You are disgusting. Filthy. Dirty. You are ruined, just ruined. Get out and don't come back.

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Trigger

He started in on my sister with me in the room. I had to show her how to do it right. I had to tell her not to cry. It was so hard. He hurt her so much. It was all my fault. I told her to pretend. Pretend it wasn't happening, that it wasn't real. To make it go away. He made me watch. But I was far away. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't. I was so far away from there. I begged him to take me instead, but he went to her anyways after he was done with me. I had to teach her not to cry or make noise. I had to teach her how to take him in her mouth the right way, deep. But her mouth was too small. Way too small. I was older now, so I could take him in farther. And my jaw had been dislocated so many times that it just was forced open, wide open. He put his penis in her mouth and pushed. She cried and moaned in pain. The tears were running from her eyes. I went away. Far away. And they became so small. It was like watching a movie. It hurt so much, and then there was nothing. No feeling. No moving. No tears. No nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt nothing. I was nothing. And I closed my eyes. I couldn't watch the movie any more. Nothing mattered. I didn't exist. I was gone forever.

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you.are doing so well telling these events. everything that happened is on your dad,if you could have you wkuld have run a mile. you arnt worthless or anything like that,your human and deserved.tobe treated humanly,protected and shown love. i truely wish youthe best on your healing journey

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Thank you medelza. I don't feel too well right now.

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I wrote this on another thread, and I thought it belonged here too. It is a vital part of my story. And it matters. I matter.

After he would do something, like oral rape, I would cry and ask him, "Why did you do that Daddy?" He would look at me very seriously and say, "I didn't do that. You're lying. Why are you lying? What are you crazy? Do you just want to hurt your Daddy? I LOVE you. You don't love me. Why are you lying??" And I thought to myself, Yes, he must be right. Why am I lying? Why am I crying when he didn't do that. Why am I so bad, so crazy?? I hate myself. I should die." And I was only four. But I knew I should die Only bad, evil little girls did what I did. When I was 10, I tried to drown myself in the ocean. Twice. And the bastard saved me. I guess he didn't want to see his little "fuck toy" go away.

Why? Why do evil bastards like him have to mind fuck you too? Wasn't fucking my body enough? I hope he is rotting in hell and the devil's own private fuck toy. I am so glad he is dead. It's just too bad he went quickly and painlessly. He should have lingered. He should have suffered. If that makes me a bad person, I don't care. He deserves my hate.

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I feel the same way. Death is too clean, neat, and easy for them.

:metoyou:

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Thanks WinterRosie. It makes me feel bad when people tell me I should forgive. Bullshit! I don't ever have to forgive him. He doesn't deserve it.

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This is bad. This is all bad. I feel...guilty. Like I am all those things he said. It's like there are two of me, the little one who believes everything he said, and the adult me that hates him so passionately. Am I really these things? Slut, Dirty Whore, Cunt, Fuck Toy, Fucking Bitch. I am messed up in the head. I really am. And it is all his fault.

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No Lauru, you're not any of those things. You're kind a caring - you tried to protect your sister the best you could. It wasn't your fault your body responded to his touch the way it did, we're programmed that way and he shouldn't have messed with your head telling that you liked it.. He shouldn't have messed with you or your sister at all!! It's all his fault, not yours.

You deserve to heal, you deserve safe love and compassion. And I think you can heal from this, I have to think that we all can - otherwise I'll loose the hope for myself.

Once more Lauru, you are not bad - you are GOOD and so worth every good thing that comes your way!

<3: Muru

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He made me say some awful things. I had to say that I was a fucking a whore, a slut. That I liked it and loved it. I had to tell him to do me harder. Why do they have to mess with our minds like that? Why?? I cannot fathom how people can do those awful, terrible things. It is so foreign to me, I cannot understand it. My only explanation is that he was evil. I don't believe in hell, but if I did, that is where he would be. I hope he is suffering wherever he is.

Those awful things I had to say and that he said go around and around in my head. I can't get them out of there. I guess I'll tell my T about it tomorrow. Maybe he can hep me think about it differently. It is a relief to be able to tell him things. And he is always on my side. Which is a new concept for me. I am glad I have him. I glad people like him exist. It restores my faith in humanity. So do all of the people here at pandys.. Everyone is so kind and gentle. We are all supportive of each other. We here at pandys are beautiful people. biggrin.png

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I cannot fathom how people can do those awful, terrible things. It is so foreign to me, I cannot understand it.

Oh, Lauru. I know. It is truly unfathomable. This goes to show how different from him you are. You are too good of a person to understand.

I'll tell my T about it tomorrow. Maybe he can hep me think about it differently. It is a relief to be able to tell him things. And he is always on my side. Which is a new concept for me. I am glad I have him. I glad people like him exist.

I am so, so glad you have such a wonderful T helping you! You 100% deserve that.

We here at pandys are beautiful people. biggrin.png

Hear, hear! Love to all the heroes that form this sanctuary of strength and light and peace.

Caring thoughts for all. :metoyou:

-Perhapsapoet

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I hope that your appointment went well. You deserve all of the good sides of humanity :)
And you're not any of those things, even if you had to say that you were.

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Thanks Winter and Poet. Kind words make my heart warm. I appreciate you both. metoyou.gif

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