Did she remember what I couldn't? [TW]

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The Broken Doll -- Age 6 or 7

[This account is spoken in third person as I like to visualize that this did not directly happen to me]

When the little girl would act out sexually in her room, sometimes she'd pretend that she was a doll, marionette, robot, etc.. She'd pretend that she was doing whatever before an imaginary man came into the room and started to hurt her using physical force or threaten her, sometimes threatening to hit her, cut her with a knife, or kill her unless she did as she was told. She'd nod acting out a look of fear in her eyes before complying with the sexual acts.

The girl would do things like act seductive (sometimes because he made her do so), move against the imaginary man's hand, kiss him with her tongue, pee in his mouth, let him pee in her mouth, and let him put things inside of her. He'd sometimes tie her up or hold her down so I couldn't run away. While she pretended someone was touching her, she'd sometimes go limp and have a blank stare in her eyes with silent tears running down her face. Then when she'd finish she'd sometimes tell her that she could never tell. Then he, or the imaginary mother she thought up, would hold her closely and pet her hair and back while she'd lie there limply feeling used, violated, ashamed, dirty, vulnerable, fearful (she'd act out the fear. It wasn't genuine.), sad, damaged, broken, but most of all controlled. And after awhile, she'd fall asleep.

Looking back on this, I am speechless. What the hell could have possibly happened to her to make her act out such things? And surely she learned these things on more than one occasion, right? I mean, that's a whole freaking lot to be acting out, especially for a person who couldn't remember what happened to her (or could she remember back then?). To say that this was caused by one little isolated incident is strange to say, and to say that it happened at all is near impossible. Whenever I even think of this, I get sick and then my mind screams at me that I'm lying, the devil is influencing me, and that I need to die (then I develop this urge to choke myself or drown myself).

Anyways, then I remember back to when I was around that age and remember that I had lots of urinary tract infections because it would sometimes burn to pee. Maybe that was caused by sexual abuse (since urinary tract infections are rare in children)... then again, this could also be caused by the fact that I only rinsed myself with water to clean and didn't dry with toilet paper (I didn't know you had to use toilet paper until I was, like 10 or 11). Still, though, I wonder if maybe this is evidence that the sexual abuse happened more than once... but then again, if it did then... who was abusing me? Could someone that I suspect the least actually be my abuser? Did the abuse really happen more than once? Could little me have remembered things that I couldn't when she acted out?

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I am sorry for little you.

I am no expert but it seem like you knew at some point.

Sending my support. :metoyou:

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Hi Parlophone

I am very sorry for what you are going through at the moment.

Do you think you can get some support from a therapist - who can help you go through that?

Sending you virtual support!


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