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Guest ThePinkPossum

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Hello, the reason I ask if I'm welcome is that it's my friend who's been raped, not me. But, ironically, I feel like it's me that needs some help! I really hope it's OK to post and sorry if I offend anyone with what I write. I've read all the guidelines but I might forget something.

My friend was raped in the summer. In January she found out she was HIV-positive due to this rape. In a way, it's not the HIV that particularly bothers me - it's the violence of the rape.

I'm the only person that knows about either thing. That's OK, but she's completely in denial. She says she doesn't want to bother me by talking about it. Which is fine too - she can do it all in her own time, but I don't know how best to help. I think if I don't ask, she might never talk about it, but at the same time, I don't want to push her.

Over all, I suppose I'm just unbelievably angry that my beautiful, gentle, brilliant friend has had this done to her and I don't really have a clue what to do.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking, but if anyone can tell me anything I'd be really grateful.

Thanks, I hope you're all OK. I can't believe how brave you all are. K xxxxxxxx

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well i think that u are welcome here, and i think ur friend is increadibly lucky to have such a caring friend.

maybe if u give ur friend the website, it cud help. it has helped me lots, and it has helped so many other women, and men.

just be there for ur friend. listen to her, and comfort her. it will take a long time for her to heal, so be patient.

love smile

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Thanks, it's good to be replied to! It's hard to vent all this anger when I'm the only person who knows and I know I can't tell anyone who might possibly ever know her.  :)

Take care, I hope you're doing OK. xxxxxx

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This site is for supporters of caregivers of survivors as well.  The people who effected by these crimes are more then just the victims themselves.  It effects their friends, family, and their community. It strips the in security away from all of use.

Your friend is so lucky to have someone like you in her life, someone who not only cares, but cares enough to educated themselves on the reality of the crime.

I don't know about the others, but I wish I had more friends like you.  The people in my life turned away from me as a result.  They just didn't know how to deal with such a thing.  Most of them minimized the situation, because if this was just a misunderstanding then they didn't have to worry about me.

Take care.

Noelle

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You are most certainly welcome here.  It's great that your supporting your friend through this.  There is a thread in the Wonderful forum called "Who deserves to be here" if you have any other doubts.  Welcome to the board!  :D

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I'm confused.  I was made aware by another memeber that this site was for survivors only.  She got upset with me for welcoming this memeber and telling her this site was for both survivors and their friends and family.

Noelle

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I was under the impression that we welcomed everyone to this site, both people with first degree experiance and people offering their support.  I thought that the only restriction we put on second degree survivors was that they didn't tell other people's story as that would violate the survivor's privacy.  The effects of sexual abuse doesn't stop with just the victim.  That was the way I thought it was anyway.  Anyone with a different point can feel free to PM me.

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This site used to welcome both survivors and secondary survivors.  A few months ago after much deliberation a decision was made to close the secondary survivor forum and have this site only be for survivors.  Even though it is clear that sexual assault also affects family members and loved ones it was felt that having both on the site created conflicts of interest because the needs are sometimes different and that  in some cases there were situations where these differing needs ended up in situations that were hurtful to the survivor and as such it was felt that the site couldn't serve both fairly and it was made a survivor only site.  I may be saying the reasons wrong but that is my understanding of the general idea.

((((Pink Possum))))

I think it is great that you are seeking more understanding and support for yourself.  There are sites out there for secondary survivors (a google search revealed some for me) and Laney's website www.journeytomyself.org has a section with information for secondary survivors.

In addition a lot of rape crisis centers also provide services and counseling to friends/significant others/family members who are affected by the sexual assault of someone they care about.  You might check out your local one for some real life support.  I know where I am they definitely provide counseling and support to secondary survivors.

I do hope you find the resources you are looking for.
As for your membership the best way to find out for sure is to PM or email one of the mods.  While previously secondary survivors could be members but were restricted to certain forums, I'm not quite sure how this is handled since the secondary survivor forum was shut down.

n.

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OK, I'm aware there's probably been a lot of personal messaging asking what I'm doing here and can I go away! Yes, of course. I 100% respect your privacy and really didn't mean to offend anyone - I just stumbled on this site and didn't quite know where to post.

Thanks a lot for any replies, and sorry to anyone I've upset.
The Pink Possum. xxx

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Hi Pink Possum

I don't see that a caring friend looking for advice could possibly offend anybody - I'm glad your friend has you for support.  

Noname defined well the situation regarding secondary survivors on this board; however, I know what it is to need support when a beloved friend has been raped as I have been there myself. I suggest you check out Laney and Dave's excellent secondary survivors pages. Here's the URL:

[url="http://www.journeytomyself.org/Journeytogether/sitemap.htm"]http://www.journeytomyself.org/Journeytogether/sitemap.htm[/url]

Feel free to send me a mail if you'd like an extra ear.

Hugs to you and your friend

Louise

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Ooops and thanks noname for already providing Laney's site :)

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