nee

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About nee

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  1. needing a friend :(

    i have one very good friend that i have talked to for a couple of years about just about everything in life. over the past year she met a guy and she would tell me how he was trying to control her although he lives several hundred miles away from her. she would tell me that she wasn't scared of him (she lives with her brother and doesn't have kids that live with her) she had told me how he would call and call and call and hang up and just do little things to make her have the feeling "he's here somewhere". i lived with my ex for 10 plus yrs...he was controlling and manipulative...and he blames me for EVERYTHING bad that has happened in his entire life and apparently he has his gotten his mother in on his line of bs. he got his parents to the point where...we live in the same town, the girls graduated from high school here and went to school here since kindergarten and his parents never even called the girls on their birthdays. his dad has since died(within the past 2 yrs) and at his funeral he went off on his brother's wife about having TALKED to me. anyways, back to my friend....every time i tell her something about my ex (like i was nervous when he was getting out of prison, off parole....etc) she just blows me off and tells me there is absolutely nothing to worry about. maybe it comes from the years of crap i put up with...the stalking, the lies, the anger...the showing up wherever whenever bs. i thought she would have more sympathy for me after she went thru something similar for months...but i guess she thinks her man moved on...mine BOUND to have after 10 yrs. but i just don't know. for a long time, i thought he had, too. but i know his rage...i've witnessed it. i don't think he's would try to hurt me maybe, but i know he wants to control my daughter...the youngest. it's so scary to think he did something to her and that i was there and i know i tried to protect her every way i knew how...but was that ENOUGH??? did i actually keep her away from him? or did he get to her anyways?? it tears me up. my daughter says she doesn't remember, but i know how she is....she would do anything to protect me or her sister. she knows i would probably flip out beyond anything i ever had before if she told me he hurt her in any way. i know i'm rambling and i hope it makes sense. my ex is suppose to be getting off parole soon and BOTH my girls have told me they would rather him know where they were because if he can't get in touch with THEM, he will come to me to find them. i wish i had someone to talk to...who just wouldn't brush off what i say. he only intimidates women. he is pretty much a wimp, or USED to be before prison..who knows now. but he sure does have his reins on me still. i won't hardly leave the house...everyone thinks i'm weird cuz i look over my shoulder all the time. i know he's there...somewhere. it was great when i KNEW he was locked up. i could finally breathe. i'm not obsessed with my ex. i'm really not. i know it may seem to be...i'm just scared he will try to destroy everything i have because he thinks i did that to him. sometimes i can put him in the back of my mind for a while...but something triggers me...a smell, a truck that looks like his, a guy that hangs out at my mom's house that looks soooo much like him i can't even talk to the man. it's been several years since i've seen him. the last time was in court a couple years ago, i think. child support hearing. he was still trying to intimidate me there. he flipped on his atty telling him he would NEVER GO ON PROBATION AGAIN! he is evil. i just wish i could go away from this stupid town!!! ugh. i'm stuck in this damn place forever unless i just give up my house and move. sorry for the rambling...just need to get some stuff off my chest.
  2. he's out

    every couple of days or so i would check the website to see if there was a release date for my ex (my abuser). he was in prison for failure to register as a sex offender. i checked again...and he was scheduled for release. i once again became consumed with figuring out where he was actually being released to. it's about a 5 hr drive from here...under "mandatory supervision" i guess that's parole or something. now...i don't know what to think or do. people who don't really know him, say he's got other things to worry about and he won't be coming to look for me or my girls. those who have seen what an asshole he can be...say "watch your back". i don't know what to think. the day he was released, my dogs woke me up at like 4am, growling and snarling next to me in the bed. then, the same day i found a house key that "appeared" in the cup holder between the seats in my car. i have no idea where that came from. finally got it together to check to see if it was to my house....it wasn't. i don't know if he would really ever come after me. i'm worried about him finding out where my youngest daughter is. i've talked to the girls about not giving him their addresses, but they have both told me...mom, if he can't get in touch with us, he WILL start messing with you again. we can handle it....ugh!!! we have been thru so much together and have protected one another as much as we could. my youngest daughter is pregnant again. i'm very excited....except i'm scared how it's going to effect her emotionally. the doc says it's a little girl. my daughter has never told me her father (my ex) abused her...but i've always had a feeling that SOMETHING happened. i guess we take it one day at a time. i know how i flipped out when my stepdaughter came to live with us. i just about had to be locked up. i never saw a "normal father/daughter relationship". my husband was trying to be a "dad" and all i could see was my ex...
  3. Thank you...being good to myself has never been very easy for me. one day maybe everything will calm down.
  4. he thinks it will all blow over

    well, it's been almost a week of the husband not speaking to me. he finally wrote me an email, not apologizing, just explaining why he has been such a jerk. i know the reasons. he doesn't want his son to go back to where he was living before. his son is 18 and doesn't have to, nor does he want to live with his mother. he wants to leave in the same area he was raised in. he likes it there and he has friends. i really don't want his son here. all he talks about is kicking someone's ass...i hate it. i wasn't brought up like that and i don't want to live with constantly looking over my shoulder to see who he's pissed off and has instigated a fight with. he's only been here since april. within the past week he has gotten kicked out of a restaurant, told his boss to take his job and shove it up his ass...and flipped off a cop. i have enough on my plate without having to deal with that bs. i'm ready for him to leave...go back to the drama that he wants to have. i've been very short with my husband. i really don't even want to talk to him. i'm tired of his bs too. sunday he packed up all his shit and told me he was leaving...so GO. all i ask of these people is to pick up after themselves, give me a little help and i'm fine. today, i went into survival mode. started having flashbacks of when i had to do it with my ex. it really really scared me. all day i was thinking how to get out of the marriage with the least amount of drama. started with bank accounts, then different bills...and finally how to get him to leave. i survived my ex by hiding my girls and i for 3 days when he was served divorce papers. it was a scary scary time. i haven't cried. i won't let myself. i am preparing myself to do what i have to, what's best for me. when i come out of this mode...it will be rough. i don't trust anyone hardly now as it is. my girls are my only friends. he was suppose to be my knight in shining armor...was suppose to rescue me from my awful life. it didn't happen. what went wrong?? he tried to come to me a while ago and talk to me. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want to look at him. i'm so pissed right now at him. he thinks he'll just come to me and everything will be just like nothing happened. i can't do that anymore. some things have to change and i can't change them.
  5. It's over.

    well, i think my 2nd marriage is over. i'm tired of being married to a lazy slob. he carries so much baggage with him, it's more than i can handle. i know i come with baggage, but i know there are things that need to be done and get them taken care of. he's not getting any better. i've told him he needs to go talk to someone if he can't talk to me, but he won't. sunday things just came to a head. after over a year of asking him to pick up trash in this "man cave" because my 1 yr old grandson comes stays on the weekend, i started doing it myself. i've asked and asked & asked him to please get all his cigarette butts, coke cans, & all the rest of his crap put up. i used to be able to close the door, but we have taken out the wall there and it is just beyond nasty. he would open the door and smoke inside my house....not using an ashtray, just goes right on the floor, on his computer, all over the keyboard, wherever the hell he wants it to go. so sunday, when i started cleaning up, he FINALLY got up and started to help. wtf?? i told him to get away from me. he hasn't spoken to me since. all day when i had my grandson there on sunday....he wouldn't even speak to the baby, wouldn't look at him...nothing. i think that is what reallllyyyyyy pissed me off. finally found someone i could talk to, my t, and now i can't because i can't afford to go. i had to go to the dentist yesterday because my other front tooth broke in half. now she wants to have both my front teeth removed and there are 3 others that need desperate work on them. thankfully, there is a dental college about an hour away, i'm just wondering where the hell i'm going to get money to even go there. my wonderful husband quit his damn job that had full benefits at the beginning of the year. i have no insurance for this OR my other health issues. not only that, my stepson is going back to where he used to live (not to his mother, just where he came from to get his high school diploma). i hope it's a good move for him. my husband says when his son leaves, he will be moving out. not only that....yes, there's more to this freakin story.....my stepsister is going off the deep end. i talked to my mom yesterday (mom has been diagnosed with alzheimer's). she's scared for her life. my stepsis is absolutely nuts. i have no idea how to help her with this. like my mom says...."life's a bitch and then you die...but sometimes you don't, you just linger there."
  6. stay or go?

    I'm so tired of my situation...I have forever wanted to leave this stupid little town I'm in. I grew up here and even now, in my 40s want to get the hell out!!! I'm so pissed at my husband right now. He knows how much I want to leave....NEED TO LEAVE, and he treats it like a fucking joke. We own the house we live in so I would either have to sell it or rent it. BOTH of which, I can't do with the condition it is currently in. There are SOOOOOO many things that need to be done and I can't do them. ALOT of them are just little shit things that should've been taken care of a long time ago and my husband was too fucking lazy to do anything about it!!!! I'm so pissed at him!!!! He told me we need to start looking at places away from here....WELL YES we do. But we aren't rich so there's no way we can rent this one out and find another one to move into so I can get it in the condition for someone to even come LOOK at. My 1st husband was abusive...emotionally and sexually. This 2nd one...is lazier than HELL and a fucking slob!!! I love him. But I'm almost to the point to tell him GET OUT!!! I can do this on my own rather than be with you!!! But I know as soon as my ex finds out that hubby and i are over and he is out of prison, the games will begin again. I think that's part of the reason I've kept my hubby around for so long. My ex won't start shit with him. He's a controller and manipulator of women and children, but once a man is in the picture, he backs the fuck off. My goal was to be OUT of this hellhole town before my ex got out of prison so that he would lose track of me and leave me the hell alone. This will never happen until my hubby is out of my house so I can make the necessary updates in the house and get it CLEANED. My husband is such a damn slob. He smokes inside the house.....doesn't use an ashtray and just flicks the damn ashes on the floor or wherever they may fall. He can't pick up his glasses and take them into the kitchen...or IF that happens, he def can't rinse them out and put them in the dishwasher!!! If he drops something, he lets it lie...food, drink, or whatever. He can't wash his hands. It's almost likes he has to see how dirty he can get them without me yelling at him. WTF is his problem???? Then he wants me to have SEX with him???? Are you kidding me???? Now he's brought his 18 yr old son here....who begged and begged for us to get custody of him for over 2 yrs and my hubby fought like hell for him...only for the kid to get up on the stand and say he wanted to stay with that whore of a mother. SOOOOO since he did THAT, the judge ordered my husband to pay back child support for those 2 yrs and to the tune of over $500 a month. Seriously???? WTH is up with THAT??? My husband has been in college for over 5 yrs now. He works at a minimum wage job about 50 miles from our house...one way. There is NO WAY in hell that bitch is going to get any of MY money. He fucked us over that way...and I'm suppose to be nice??? really??? I'm done with being nice. I want to be strong enough to tell him GET OUT!!! but everytime I do, we make up and he gets ok for a WHILE. I just want him to HELP...stop making excuses...stop treating me like I'm HIS DAMN MAID!!! If anyone has any suggestions ....please please please nee
  7. Yesterday was crazy. I guess I was coming off my concoction of meds & no sleep from last weekend and was grouchy and mean and just very unsociable at work. Thank God I have a session with my T tomorrow after work!!! My sister who is also my boss is in surgery or getting ready to be for her hysterectomy. That means for the next 2 weeks...she will be out of the office. the other girl that's in the office drives me absolutely NUTS!!! we are all salary and commission. so to me, that means, you work your ass off for your $. it means UNLESS you have a meeting or whatever, you are ready to start the day WHEN the business opens that day or when your shift starts. you respect your coworkers time...and SPACE!! well...abs(the other girl in the office) shows up EVERY DAY a couple min PAST when her shift starts...so with sis gone, she will be opening the office. I told my sis, I would basically take over sis's shift while she's gone. The owner has 3 offices and we are the one office that is 5 hrs away from the other 2. I really don't think he needs to come and hold our hand while sis is gone to make sure the office gets open on time. My sis was ok with this. YESTERDAY...I came in and was ready to go when the office opened. Well ABS showed up as usual....a couple min PAST opening. She looked at me very strange when she came in. I went back to her office and said...while sis is gone, i'm going to be coming in early and leaving early. she just nodded. She took HER lunch first...which left me the LATE lunch and, of course,she was late coming back from it too. I was so hungry by the time she came back (absolutely NO respect for anyone else). SO...being the bitchy self I was yesterday...as she walked past me on her way back from lunch, she said..."instead of you coming in 45 min early, why don't I come in 15 early".... I said..."seriously...if you can't make it in by the time you're suppose to ANYWAY...what the hell makes YOU think you can be here EARLY???? AND I will be taking my lunch at 1130 not 1." she got PISSED...she just walked off. she was ok the rest of the day...until 515 came around....i left. she gave me the dirtiest look too. THIS IS GOING TO BE A LOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGG 2 WEEKS AND HOPEFULLY SIS WILL BE ABLE TO COME BACK THEN!!!!I don't believe there's enough xanax to help me deal with her.
  8. You are so brave!!! I will be thinking of you!! Pocket rider if you need me...
  9. so....on top of....the biopsy, the skank stepdaugher & her stupid ho mother, and my mother and her dipshit husband....my ex(who is in prison) decides he's going to try to find a way to get under my skin too. I was talking to my oldest daughter and she told me she had been getting letters from her father and has been like once a week for the past 6 mo. She said they are generally the same....poor poor pitiful me. I'm in prison for something I didn't do. (He is a registered sex offender who decided to register, but not in the city he was living in). Well she said over the past couple of weeks, there have been letters but they have been in several different handwritings. Well, me, being the protector of my baby, freak out. What the hell is going on???? I had my sister call a friend who is a cop and ask his opinion. He said he had a friend who worked at one of the prisons and he would call and see what he had to say. We may have to call the prison and tell them what's going on and see if they can stop letters from going to either one of them. Then I called a friend of mine who's husband just got out of prison. His opinion was that my idiot ex had somehow gotten some privledges taken away from him and he was having someone else send the letter. He said he wouldn't really worry about it. But the other thing my daughter had said was that the idiot had sent her a deposit slip for him and asked for $.. WTF????? I think I'm on the fast track on the crazy train. I hope to hell this week is better than last week. Feels like I'm always bitching about something. sorry guys..my life's a bitch.
  10. so...i think shitty is not a very accurate word to describe how this week has been. started with the biopsy...then the skank stepdaughter and now MY mother and the dipshit she's married to had attack me from behind.. If God is testing me...let this be the final thing. I'm to the point, I just don't know how I'm going to make it. I've said this 1000 times, I know. Today I broke down and cried and cried. I just don't know what to do. I have pushed so many people out of my life, there's not many left. Today was suppose to be a good day. Today is my day to spend with my grandson. He is amazing. He said my name to me for the 1st time today. It was like music to my ears. I love that little guy so much. Reminds me of when my girls were little. They have always been my best friends. Has anyone ever felt like your head is in a lightning storm? being zapped from the inside....scares the shit out of me. Since I've been overstressed this week...it's been going on and on. Think I'm going to talk to the doc when she calls next week about my biopsy results. Maybe she'll put me on some sedatives. Last night I was so upset I took my sleeping pill...a benadryl, and 3 advil...and had a couple drinks and it still took over 3 hrs to relax enough to go to sleep and I was wide awake at 8 this morning. I hate that I can't even relax. Anyways, so today was great while my little grandson was here. He made me laugh and smile...things I haven't done much of lately. Then my husband calls and says one of his best friends that he grew up with dad died. His friend and his daughter will be driving from fl to ca...and since we're 1/2 way...he asked if they could stay here overnight. if it was on a weekend, it wouldn't really be a big deal. but me having to go to work monday morning and not sleeping worth a shit at night...and my stepson working overnight and coming in at the buttcrack of dawn and wanting to go crash, it would be a pain in the butt. so, my mom & her dipshit have 12 acres and a cabin that they rent out from time to time or relatives stay when they're in town, whatever....i called my mom who has been diagnosed with alzheimers but is doing ok, and asked if she would mind if they stayed there just overnight. she said she would have to talk to my stepsister and HER boyfriend to see if it's ok. WTF??? are they living there??? seriously??? she's a 38 yr old woman who uses all her $$ for drugs and hates her own 5 yr old twin girls.....really mom????? THEN she says...well i guess it would be ok..tell him it's $125 for the night!!!! WTF?????? really mom????? my crack head stepsister and her bd and kids are staying there for FREE and i'm SURE they don't clean up anything since she thinks YOU are her personal MAID and her dad is her fucking SLAVE....but OUR friend who needs a place to stay on the way across the country you're going to CHARGE???? FUCK YOU!!!! I told her forget it, that's fine, they can just stay here and i hung up on her. I"M DONE!!!!!! I have done SOOOOOOOO MUCH for those people!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pissed right now about everything I just don't know what I'm going to do...... i know karma will kick my ass if i ask the question i really want to ask....but i won't.
  11. thanks...i don't know how much more bs i can handle. we stay away from the skank for a reason...i'm ready to leave and never come back to this hellhole little drama-rich town. i think she lives here just to fuck with my head. i'm thankful my husband finally sees her for what she truly is...sad part is the girl only 20 yrs old. hopefully one day she'll realize how screwed up she is before her daughter turns out the same way or worse.
  12. TODAY WAS WORSE :(

    So....the little skank thinks she's going to use her 2 mo old daughter as a pawn to sneak back into our lives and cause problems. she's got another thing coming. My stepson is beyond pissed. He knows her games and she knows how to set him off. Not an ideal situation to be a part of. she posted online that she just does not believe how her father can give up on his daughter and never want to see his granddaughter. If she didn't use the child as a weapon like a normal person, I'm sure he would love to meet her. but the way that bitch is..i know what she's going to do. let us get to know the baby and love her and then try to turn the child against us and never let us see her again. it's the same game HER mother and that side of the family punished my husband while his kids were growing up. it's a sick game and THANK GOD my husband and stepson see it!!!! I told her she needed to back off. if she didn't stop harassing us, i would file harassment charges against her, have a restraining order put on her...if she came near us, I'd have her arrested and tell the judge her daughter needed to be placed in foster care. she needs to back off before she pushed me too far and she did something that would get her daughter taken away from her. i'll do it too. no, i don't think it's fair for the child to be put in the middle, but i can also see the outcome since it's still fresh in my head because her mother did the same thing to my husband for years. if we get close to the child, my stepdaughter will play her games forever with us. using her to get everything she can out of us just so we can see her. it's a sick sick sick game. even though my ex was a horrible horrible person, i let my girls make their own decision about what they thought about him. and they made the right decisions. this week has royally sucked. all i can say is when i finally die and leave this life, i PRAY there is no afterlife for me because the one i've been dealt with this time is truly fucked up and i never want to go thru another one. i hope there is a heaven and i get to go and stay. i don't want to come back....one time is enough.
  13. I can't stand that little ho!!! All she wants to do is create drama. I hate it!!! My stepdaughter is such the drama queen/skanky/mental case. She is just like her mother. Lying, backstabbing....and now a mother. The cycle continues..... She has no way of contacting me except face to face. But she has gotten to my daughter. She messaged her on facebook on how much she wants to see her father and talk to him. He wants absolutely nothing to do with her. But I can see it now...she's going to use that little girl to get into our lives and then...she's going to take her away from us and manipulate the whole situation by lying to everyone like her mother does. I love my husband..but the baggage he comes with is overwhelming. His ex wife has made our lives a living hell and has taught my stepdaughter all her tricks. I can't take this. I can't go thru this again. My nerves are shot already...my health is not great...what does she want??? does she want me to just die?? Can't she just leave us the hell alone??? I need something...something to help me sleep. I'm so wound up. This week has really sucked. Just leave my family alone. I can't deal with the drama that you bring to it. There's not much left of my family anymore anyways. I got to thinking about it...when my girls were young they had my mom and her husband and his 2 daughters...my dad, his wife...my ex's mom & dad, my sister and her family...my ex's 2 brothers and his family...and sister & her family. Now it's just me...my girls and grandson..my mom has alzheimers...i don't speak to my dad & his wife...my sister and her family and my husband and stepson. what a difference a few years have made. cutting people out of my life...the bad ones...the ones that were hurting me, the ones i couldn't deal with. makes for a lonely little family sometimes. but is it for the better? i'm not sure. be lonely and miserable or be with people you hate and miserable? wow...what a thought
  14. Hang in there. I'm not sure what you are going thru but I can definitely relate to what you are feeling. I wish I could write like you. My mind is always so cluttered I don't know how to put it in words. Hugs to you..... nee
  15. Thanks to you all...I really needed you today. That has got to be some of the worst pain I've had in a long time. Like everything else in my life, it wasn't a "simple" procedure as I was wishing it would be. The "5-second" biopsy was turned into around 35 min. It felt like she was ramming a sword inside me all the way up to my bellybutton. I cried But thankfully it's over and we should have the results some time next week. I guess she also took pity on me and my situation and I've been her patient for many many years so she only charged me for the procedure and not a visit also. Thanks again for the support. It's good to know there are people who care!