Glamazon

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About Glamazon

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    I still play a little bit of slowpitch softball. I love comics, books, Netflix marathons, superheroes, and wearing sweatpants everyday.

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  1. Wow, I have found this thread very helpful...thank you for the post.
  2. Oh Colleen, I am so very sorry that all those people said such hurtful things to you. That is awful ((safe hugs)) if okay? People don't realize what they say can be so damaging sometimes, I just wish they did know so that kind of hurt wouldn't happen. I'm so very sorry again. I have had some variation of those phrases over the years, so I guess I get that feeling.
  3. rose13, I am glad you have found some good strategies for coping. It is so important to find what works for each individual person and use that. I hope these strategies continue to work for you. And rest assured, you most definitely are not going mad...unfortunately these feelings are entirely too common in the world. I admit, I had a full blown panic attack the other day but nowhere near as long as before. I get the short little shocks in my heart, abdomen, where your heart hitches and you can't breath...sometimes it physically hurts and I have to stop what I'm doing. Other times its just my heart beating so wildly that I fear it will break free on my rib cage, it feels so unequivically wrong. It's more of a constant thing now instead of the all consuming panic that it was before. Although it is less severe in that way, its chronic nature wears me down. Everyone knows I am different. My mother is pushing for medication again, and I know I need it. But I hate to be under the influence of drugs like that (again). They change you so much. I guess there comes a point in our lives where we have to surrender to that need to change because where we are is in no way healthy for us. I have learned this constant state of not caring with alternating periods of true fear, sadness, and utter despair are not the norm and thus should be fixed. I just...I guess I have to find out what all it is, But I'm tired of fighting it, of trying new medications, of being this...lump of a person where I never used to be like this. My mother just told me today that she hasn't seen me engaging in a conversation, laughing and talking like I had in a long time. I had taken one of my brother's Adderalls. But the drop afterwards was not good. Anyway, I ramble. Suffice it to say, I find this forum entry to be helpful. Thank you ♥ ~E
  4. I have heard that comment a thousand times over, "Fake it til you make it". It was my motto during college.
  5. Guitarhero, you have written something that sounds like it came out of my own head. I am so sorry that you are in this place right now but please know you are not alone. It is such a huge comfort to know that someone else is out there like myself so take solace in having helped me today. And for that I am eternally grateful. Please don't give up. Keep fighting. I know that is a selfish request on my part. I'll be thinking of you and sitting with you if you'd like, I wish you well and encouragement, ~E
  6. I can't tell you what this post means to me - to know that someone else thought PTSD was only for 'real victims'. I have argued and got upset with my T since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I feel such a fraud but this makes me feel better. I still think more people deserve the diagnosis than I do but - thanks - from the bottom of my heart Thanks for this. Truly.
  7. I keep coming back to this thread to validate that I belong here. It is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I am even allowed here - much less belong. I have nothing to complain about and yet I feel as if that is all I do these days. I feel as if the last 6 years of my life were the worst - not the singular week when I was a kid. I don't even know how or where to talk about the recent things...but I keep trying to tell myself that I am allowed to come in here and post and chat with people. Anyway, I'm sorry - just needed to let that out.
  8. I get the "Aren't you over that by now?" variation that ya'll have all mentioned or "You have built this up so much in your mind that it is affecting you all these years later. You never dealt with it" (after never having the tools or people to help me deal with it in the first place - when something is a dark secret you don't talk about it). "Why does this still affect you?" there are more things I'm sure, and the only person who has told me these things is my Mom. She never means anything mean or hateful by them though.
  9. I never reported mine. I never actually told...my Mom asked me the morning after they left and I said yes, it happened. I was asked if I wanted to testify at the time. I said no. Should I have? Yes. Should I have pressed charges? Yes. But I was entirely too young to understand what that meant and how I would deal with it so many years later. We didn't want to press charges for so many reasons - all of which seem like peanuts now. Regardless, he was put in jail for other crimes (against other children and a teenage her was having an affair with)...so he is locked up.
  10. I'm sorry, sweetheart. It will come in time. You cannot blame yourself, because you are a victim. You were the target of some sick and twisted person(s). You did not do anything to deserve it, did not want it, did not need it in your life. I understand though, it will come in time. Sitting with you until then.
  11. I am so sorry Q I hope they get better! I hated getting them, the worst out of control feeling ever. Sending you lots of love and support! Light and healing be with you!! ~E
  12. I used to have panic attacks in college (and still do occasionally, although they are drastically reduced). My T in college gave me some helpful things to remember. She tried to get me to think of something that made me feel safe and happy. I chose the feeling you get when you are allowed to lay in bed, with no fear of missing an alarm, a warm comforter, and it is still dark outside. It is a safe and comforting feeling. Didn't really work, but I tried it The second suggestion helped a lot more. Breathing exercises where I count, breath in/breath out type stuff. I guess they stopped happening as much because I got out of the situation I was in and into one I controlled. I came home to my house and my family and since then I have felt a lot better. I played softball in college and couldn't handle the pressure, hence the anxiety attacks. Thank you all for your suggestions on how to help them (I will try to remember them next time I feel one coming on.) And thanks to the OP for posting this topic!
  13. I have heard this statement before as well. Heck, I even tell myself this all the time. I can't help but feel like I am a weak person because I let this affect my life even to this day (even though what happened to me was over a decade ago). My question is, how do we stop hating ourselves for letting it continue to affect us? How do I explain to myself that I am valid in my emotions and that despite my attempts to assure myself that "it wasn't that bad", I fail every time? Never mind my ranting, just gotta put it some where
  14. Mine has been time, recently opening up to a counselor and close friends (the past few years), and time. I still have a ways to go because I have never been with a man (since this happened to me when I was 9). At 23, I still have yet to have a relationship with a man. I think the worst part is actually admitting that I have a problem, so many years later, with trying to date, talk, and be intimate with men. But I have come a lot further than I was when I would have a panic attack before a date!
  15. It was my fault because: I wasn't strong enough to say no. It was my fault because: I let him do what he did. It was my fault because: I could have stopped it and didn't. It was my fault because: I didn't know how to stop it. It was my fault because: I was scared. It was my fault because: I knew it was wrong and couldn't speak up. It wasn't my fault because: I was only nine and he was an older adult and family friend. It wasn't my fault because: I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. It wasn't my fault because: He had the power as an adult and I didn't as a child. It wasn't my fault because: I tried to say no. It wasn't my fault because: there was nothing I could have done to stop it. It wasn’t my fault because: I was just a kid. Wow, I have never really thought of these things before. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, because I was too young to stop it, but it's nice to say them out loud (figuratively). Thanks for the post, OP!