Copying this over from another board I belong to...just can't write it out from scratch again. I'm adding a few things I have remembered...a few things I feel more comfortable saying.
I've never known what to call what happened. I didn't know if there was a 'label' for it. I'm not sure if I wanted there to be one. Cause if there was one what would that mean? A lot of things, I guess.
I was 18 it was the summer/fall after graduation. He was around 23/ 24. He was a friend of my then best friend. I had decided to take a year off just to kind goof off, party, do things I never got to do in high school because my life had been such a wreck. I spent most of the time with my best friend and a group of her friends (most of them older). She was staying with a guy at his apartment. Heh, it was kinda like this underground lair. Grime, smoke filled, spilled booze stains, just gross yet somehow cozy We spent most of our time drinking and a few times took ecstasy. The E usually came from a 'friend' (hard to say that now). I don't know how to type what I thought about him then. I liked him a lot. Except I couldn't really tell you now why. All that's so skewed now. I don't even remember how it happened that he gave me a ride home that first time. I'm pretty sure that until then I didn't think he had even really took notice of me. *No, I remember now he did. He would always stare at me...this creepy stare. It made me really uncomfortable at first. I don't know at some point that stare transformed in my eyes. It transformed into he was interested in me, I guess I wanted to be wanted. Now that stare just haunts my dreams and waking life. I guess I can admit now how powerful and controlling that stare was.* We ended up dropping off our other friend as well, but he lived close by so he got dropped of first. Then it was just me and 'D'. I don't know how conversation turned to sex, I remember one question though very clearly. I answered by sorta dropping a hint that, no I hadn't ever gone that far. I remember the other part of the conversation that I think came to haunt me, and why I could never label this as anything (basically along the lines of well, I said I wanted to do all these things) . *He would often use that line against me every time I would say I didn't want to do something later on, guilt trip me with it. "oh I thought you said you cared/oh I thought you said it was important to you that I be happy too/blah blah" twist it anyway you like* I remember his hand on my knee, moving up my leg. I liked it then, but nowadays I can't stand it. Cause that's how it would always start. I was 18, I was a little hung over from the night before (I'm pretty sure we hadn't done much partying that night) but not drunk (which in the past was the only time I let guys near me pretty much), and I had this guy I thought was the greatest thing ever interested in me. I was so nervous though as he drove to some out of the way spot. I think only at one point did I not feel comfortable, but I went on anyway...cause I said I wanted to right?... 'oh: even though when he commented what a little freak i was, all of a sudden I really wasn't sure. I went through with it anyway. He dropped me back home. I was ok, happy maybe...till I passed by the bathroom on my way to bed. I don't know but for some reason I felt really grime and disgusted with myself. It was really late and I was scared to wake up my mom.
We managed to keep that night a secret from everyone for little while. Then my best friend caught my eye one day and knew. I knew she had been with him before, so I hadn't wanted to say anything. She was ok with it though. A few days later she told me he had dropped a comment to her, again along the lines of that I was a kinky girl (in hindsight I have no clue how that was, but... ). I don't remember if it was before that or after that, that he had wanted me to go somewhere with him one night. My best friend refused to let me go with him. He refused to take both of us. I have no clue where it was he was going to, and now...I'm not sure I ever want to. I ended up with my other best friend, drinking myself into a numb anger at that whole thing. We were with some other guys. One guy ended up trying to sleep with his head in my lap ...touching me and I guess getting slightly frustrated that i wasn't giving him any reaction. I was too busy being pissed. My best friend finally waltzed in with 'D' gave me a hug and a kiss and said they were going back out or something, I don't remember. Too numb, angry, and now scared about this guy getting anymore frustrated with me. Thank god he just gave up.
After that little side trip down memory lane, 'D' kept giving me rides home...we kept taking little detours.
I kept feeling like this dirty girl he kept telling me I was.
I knew from my friend that he had taken her and other girls places nicer than the back seat of his car. ...So what was wrong with me. Oh that's right, most times I'm not good enough cause he has to coerce me into doing anything. I'm just a little c*ck t*ase. I hated that, I hated that look in his face. I hated when he'd asked if I liked something and I'd say no, then he'd make me feel like I was weird for not liking it, that I should like it. *this is the part I didn't want to say when I first posted this: The first time, he was being a little rough and he asked ...ick...asked if ...I liked what he was doing...I said no, he said why. I can't remember if it was just the way he said it or if he actually said something to the effect that other or most females do? I just remember feeling like I was weird for not liking and that somehow I was supposed to like it. I tried to move so he wouldn't be hurting me, but I think I ended up somewhere...in my head trying to convince myself i did like it. I only remembered that a week or so ago after being with someone and realizing later I hadn't said anything to this guy I've been seeing...I was trying to figure out why I didn't, why it was just so automatic for me to go into my head and pretend. I wish I had been able to tell him, ahhh that's another story lol cause he's been so great even though he doesn't know any of this yet.* So I was convinced that I should like it...I'm 18 he's 24 what do I know 'oh: Then after that came the questions. heh, I was listening to that Tori Amos song 'Precious Things' when I did my last picture this line always jumps out at me "So you can made me c*m That doesn't make you Jesus" He sure had to make sure he felt like the king though.
On at least one or two occasions 'he'd' just be sitting/standing there 'in my face'. I'd be staring at 'him' intimidated, the gears in my head going...am I going to or not? if I don't what will happen? *usually he'd have that look or the stare down"
I can't even think about that act, I can't say it, I can't hear other people talking about it, I don't know if I will ever do that for anyone ever again, I haven't.
One night I guess I didn't give into that, I don't remember what happened...I think I got the t*ase thing and the look again, and just had reg sex so I wouldn't have to do that, and he wouldn't act like that anymore. *we were always in the middle of nowhere, some vacant parking place or other, never thought about that either till recently. Say I did get out of the car? I have no clue where I am. *
Maybe it was after that night that it went really bad...I don't know, maybe nothing set it off...
It was never an exclusive relationship, I knew that. Never really wanted it that way. I just never was interested in anyone else. Well maybe one person, but he was in an exclusive relationship. I still got jealous though, I wondered if he was the same way with those girls. Probably not I figured, they are all around his age *I guess I felt like I should be like that, so I should just listen to him. I don't know. Dunno how to say what I mean bout that*
The thing is though, he could be so sweet sometimes. He really had me wrapped around his...little finger. One minute I was the best, and he cared about me...then the next minute I was all those names I hate. Not all of them even came out of his mouth, but I feel like them anyway.
There were two nights that foreshadowed it seems, how the 'relationship' ended and the reasons why I am the way I am now.
You know talking about all those horrid things is hard enough...*deep breath* I can twist that. I can make that rosy if I try real hard. I can keep my mind at that naive 18 if I try. It's not fun, it's not worth the effort. Eventually I get tired and then it's emotional & mental flashback hell. This...this though is my 24/7/365 hell. This I can't make rosy, no matter how hard I try to say or imagine it didn't happen... No matter how numb I can make myself feel...it all seeps in.
Again it was on an occasion where we were dropping of his friend (yeah the same one as the first time) and then we would end up in some dark deserted parking lot or something. We were near my house, right around the corner in fact. I was in the back, the two guys were talking. I wasn't really listening. The car pulls into the drive way of a house, I realize hey were right by my house. I still wasn't listening, I was probably thinking "hey you could just go home now don't stay with 'd' till we drop so-n-so off just make something up or something if he asks". The glove box opens. The little orange light. Clinking of metal. shiny things rolling. The voices bring it into focus. 'D' is showing off his gun to his friend. (ugh my brain is trying to stop me from typing the rest...it knows where these things go). I was pretty much in awe. See, in the beginning I said we all often got our E from 'D'...he did a lot of deals I guess for a lot of different drugs. There's just bubbling of words. I know I remember what it looks like exactly, I'm pretty sure of the model but I won't let myself be sure. The clip. click, click. It goes back the glove box closes. We drive past my street. The night continues as usual, till I'm back in my bed probably feeling like a stupid d*rty t*ase again.
I don't know how long after that it was, but I went with my best friend and some others to her bf house. I hated him. He used to say things about me too. People always like to make lewd comments about shy quiet people. Normally I would brush them off, but for some reason now they were getting under my skin (course now I know why). I wanted out of there so bad. Then my friend told my 'd' was coming by. Thank god, I thought. He won't let this guy act like that (funny huh? so one guy can do it, the other can't) and I can get out of here. He showed up I was so excited. I ran out to the car...it was dark. My other friend and I ran up to the car. The window opened. 'D' yelled at us. Something along the lines of we were pretty damn stupid just to run up to the car like that he couldn't see and could have shot us. I remember being frozen in my tracks. My other friend had no clue I'm sure, I knew too well how true that could have been. The orange light, clink clink, click yeah that flashed before me...not for the last time though...
This part I have to keep short, I just can't let those details come through. Afraid I'll get stuck ...think that I'll still be trapped there.
It's just another night in the lair. There are some people there I don't know and just a few of the regular people. Me my best friend, her friend/roommate, 'D'...I can't remember if there is anyone else or not...(I am wondering to night if the other guy I liked is there or not...because I realized just a min ago talking about him that, I recently came into contact again with him...I know I'm not going to talk to him again though. HE actually is a really good person).
We're watching a movie, everyone but me is getting high. My best friend and I share some wine. It's fall. I have my yellow fleece on with the cigarette burn that everyone always laughs at. I'm sitting close to 'd'. At this point I could care less who knows, I figure everyone knows already anyway (i figured if he told my best friend about what a 'sl*t', and thats more my word than his, then he probably told all his guy friends too). So I don't care. He's being sweet again. The hand on my knee...making me laugh. I'll have his attention again tonight, last time I saw him he completely ignored me.
People are really high now...something is wrong though. Something is very wrong, they are too high. I'm only thinking half clearly. 'D' has this look. ...It's kind of like 'that' look but not quite because he's high...it's a vacant version of that look...vacant, determined? look.
I ignore it and go back to watching the others and talking to my friend. He's fidgeting though. I'm talking to my best friend on the other side of me. I start to turn back. He's reaching into his pocket as I'm facing forward again. It's cold, so cold it burns. Days, weeks, months, even now seven years later...it's still there cold and burnt into my right temple. I won't remember about the orange light, the clinking, or any of that...not till months later. I didn't have time to think about whether it was really loaded then, probably I knew anyway, i wouldn't LET myself think that till months later. It's chaos. All the chaos though, is underwater. I hear people hear and there saying things. I know what they said, I just can't restate it right now, I shove it under the water so I don't have to be stuck back in that night. So it doesn't become anymore real than it is. There are a billion thoughts going through my head, ones I can't speak of now. That would make it too real, too. I'm not safe enough to let it go there right now. They are all to high to help me, and we are all to scared to know what to do if anything. Finally my best friend gets up. The thoughts in my head scream at her. She grabs this old AK 47 her dad some how got at an auction, it's just for show. I wonder what the hell she thinks she's doing. Something happens though, she get though to him maybe. It's all blank after that.
I saw him once after that. At a party. He said hello. I said hi back and felt and icky feeling run through me. Walked little ways away from him to talk to a friend. That was it. It was no big deal I tried to convince myself. I suck at that though. I've spent the past, nearly, seven years with all of this so called 'no big deal' story coming and 'jumping out' at me from 'the alley way'. I'm 'more comfortable' telling people the gun story, I can get the gist of the story across with out the details. I'm really good at vaguely saying what happened in almost one sentence. The other part of the story...I really only told some detail to one person, that was my most recent ex (theres only been one since 'd' ...it's been two scary. I kinda started to get involved with someone recently but I have backed off that even though he has been really wonderful. I mistakenly thought I could just jump back into something...I've just been too much in flashback hell.)
In the beginning of the relationship with my last ex some strange feelings (I'm not sure whether to call them feelings or memories) were bubbling through. I tried to ask my mom about one thing *basically that this guy gave me the creeps, I was uncomfortable being around him. I can't remember if I told her how much i hated it when he gave me a hug or put a hand on my shoulder or whatever*...she just gave me an answer that left me more scared and confused, so I didn't push the topic any further. I have no clue what to make of it. *all she said was I think I know why* I'm trying not to make anything of it I think, for now. I have heard several people say that it may make more sense down the line, but you kinda have to deal with one trauma before your body/mind can let you remember if there is anything else. That's rough I hate looking at everyone cross eyed. Waking up with half remembered somethings wondering if it was real or just some made up thing. I hate that I want to know, and I don't want to know all at the same time. Yeah, this one definitely has me tired enough.
*I think maybe in the next few days i will try to write about some of the strange thoughts and feelings i had growing up...things that have popped in to my head again on and off over the last couple of years*