greymushu

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About greymushu

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    Survivor
  1. This is an informative and enlightening article about incest. Information is empowering.
  2. I have Bipolar or at least my therapist thinks so, and now that I recognize what it is and the symptoms it totally makes sense. My mom and aunt have it too. I'm working on getting some medication. When I'm going through a depressive episode I tend to think a lot about death...dying, suicide, murder, being murdered...I tend to become very paranoid that people are plotting against me and even stalking me. I've also experienced some mild auditory and visual hallucinations, and this has been scary. Anyway, my friend's a little crazy. She is and I've always known that...but it never occurred to me that she'd direct that craziness towards me and I got way paranoid and I convinced myself that she was a pysycopath who poisoned the brownies she gave me. I at them though, thinking I must have been crazy, but a day later I believed that she did indeed put a slow acting poison in my brownie and that I was currently experiencing symptoms of being poisoned. I freaked out and told my husband and he convinced me I was crazy, but I just bawled my eyes out for like 10 minutes. It seemed like the most rationale conclusion but I was panicked because I knew no one would believe me. I thought I was going to die. If my husband hadn't of been there I would have checked myself into a hospital and had them make sure I wasn't dying from my friend poisoning me, then they would have put me into a mental hospital. Looking back it all based on nothing. But I had become so sure of my thoughts and feelings that I couldn't help but act on them. I think this is called Psychosis
  3. Got off track, Trying To Get Better

    I got overwhelmed and unmotivated, stressed and discouraged about classes, so I dropped out 4 weeks before the semester ended. There's only one explanation for my downward spiral. My abuser...I started increasing contact, got looser on my boundaries, starting doubting my memories about him, started reconsidering a relationship and putting it all behind me, forgetting about...but then I find he's getting married at the end of May to this woman I hardly even know THREE MONTHS after divorcing Mom. Needless to say...I got triggered. And he won't let me spend time with my little sister unless I make plans with him. Well screw that. Rule number one...maintain boundaries and limited contact with abuser or I go crazy. So if I can say I've made headway in anything these last few months its this: I'm less critical and controlling of my husband I'm less dependent and needy on him I dwell a lot less on social interactions I've learned to set boundaries with my Mom Learned I have a mood disorder (Bipolar) and medicine can fix it These things have created a lot more peace in my life. It's amazing how heavy only a few things can be... Things I'm still struggling with: -Escapism (over-sleep, laziness, music, TV, internet, Pot) -Not feeding, bathing, and taking care of myself on a regular basis -Obsessive Compulsive behavior -Disassociation (throwing cups and silverware away, losing track of important items, checking out during conversations, placing milk in fridge type stuff) -Sexual Dysfunction -PTSD (triggered by interactions with abuser and violence on TV) -Pushing back, running away from, and quitting commitments and responsibilities. -Avoiding uncomfortable social situations -Sabotaging/avoiding potential personal & professional relationships that would serve me well and move me forward in life
  4. Update. Doing better.

    I'm at this place right now...and it's really good. I've needed a break from Pandy's for awhile because I just had to stop thinking about all of this crap. I can't get it all figured out, I can't find all answers, and it does me no good to dwell on it and make the problems larger. I just had to let it go for awhile. I'm tired of thinking about it. And so I stopped. It really was that easy. But it wasn't easy at first. Two things had to happen in order for me to stop thinking about it. 1. Seperation from both parents. 2. Therapy That's all I needed. And I feel so much better. And since I'm no longer surrounded by my abusers on a regular basis, I don't think about the abuse anymore, nor do I worry about being abused. I can finally move one and heal. I'm focusing on taking better care of myself. 1. Better, deeper sleep 2. Vitamins 3. Yoga and exercise 4. Community. Yes, I've surrounded myself with people again and my husband and I have started to go to the "Married's group" at our church. 5. Keeping house clean 6. Feeling loved and valued my husband's side of the family. I believe I was meant to be a part of them <3 the family I never had. 7. Letters to Jesus and Bible studies. I write more than one letter to Jesus a day. It's not that I don't get negative thoughts and feelings, it's just that I'm channeling them toward these letters. It's been very healing for me. Such an anxiety relief. Everyday I do things that help me move forward. I've decided to go back to school. I only have one year left! Just one! Fall 2014 will be my last and final semester than I'll be graduated! Yipee! Later days, Grey
  5. Update on life

    I am starting to feel better. I got lost, very lost, and it was scary to get lost so deep in my head. But Jesus lead me out, he reminded me of certain truths and shed light on some of the darkness. And that's something I will always remember when I find myself in dark places is to remember truth...anything that's true. Truth is always a reference point, the place to start. Sometimes I get lost in a sea of conjectures....I start telling myself things that just aren't known to be true. So I've been trying to stay above it. And "I" am no longer priority, "Little me" is and she needs to know she is safe, that I have things under control, that I can take care of us. I need to tell her positive things, not things that'll make her run back into her dark closet .And when I get lost in thoughts that cause me anxiety I bring myself to reality, the present, and remind myself of truth and facts and I start from there. Facts like, I am safe, I have a roof over my head, food is in my fridge, I am not dying, my husbands and pets are alive and well, this coffee is really good, and I have a book I can read over there, and that incense smells amazing....things I know to be true. Things "little me" wants to know. Good, plain, truth. I have to remember what "little me" needs and those are the basics. -Rest -Consistency/stability (by staying in control of my mind and thought life) -Safety/Reassurance -Companionship -Food -Showers -Fun, playtime ...no negative talk, no scary thoughts. And I just stay above water, in a place where facts are known, things are practical, stable. I'm trying to focus on the present moment. I keep my thoughts on what I'm doing, on the people around me, smells, noises, my surroundings. I try to not let myself sink into the dark abyss of fear, unanswered questions, conjectures...judgment..contempt. I stay away from those things now and I think...my husband who is right in front of me, that's what matters right now. My pets need to be fed, "little me" wants to paint or take a walk...when I'm by myself having a lone time I pour my thoughts onto paper in the form of a letter to Jesus. And I tell him how i'm feeling, what my fears are and I deliver those those to him, and I surrender because they're too big for me, only my Heavenly Father can deal with them. I believe He is in the process of calming the storms in my life, and I am more than willing to let him. I'm feeling stronger around my family. The last few days have been family-heavy and I would be lying if I said i wasn't extremely anxious..but then I pray and that small still voice tells me to take it moment by moment, to send prayers when i feel afraid, I'm learning what it means to depend on Christ everyday. Of course, the craziness isn't over...I still have dinner with my family...my sister came in town for a baby shower and my parents want to celebrate. And they haven't been forth-coming about it, my Mother's already lied once about the ordeal.... my parents are still the same as ever. My dad's going to be there...but I'm just going to grit my teeth, stay close to my husband and sisters, and just not let him affect me. I won't let him get inside my head and cause me to doubt myself, my convictions. I cannot let him affirm anymore lies about me. I know who I am, he does not. He cannot hurt me anymore. I tell 'little me' that I can take care of her, and so I will.
  6. The Sea

    She has no say How the moon swings her tides the sea accepts her restless fate From white foam she surfaces The forgotten, the unearthed old bones and secrets that lie within Weeds that fill her gut Where from her deepness, darkness swells Drawing from her pits monsters there dwell; though, Her bloated belly spits pearls, From moist palets of clams Storing them in the depths Far from human hands by: me
  7. This can't be my life. Why would I remember this? How? I can't remember what happened to me as a toddler...was it him too? I remember his face when he did it to me. Was it in the tent? 4-5 years: Mom took my cranberry juice away from me. She told me it would stop the bleeding. I had urine in my blood and she told me the problem was cranberry juice??? My juice! Why? I loved my juice. 4-5 years: I start touching myself excessively and doing really bad things to myself, my friend, my dolls. 6-7 years: Dad builds a playhouse, but it's not what it seems. He wants to play with me in the playhouse, but I don't want to play his game. I don't want to me in playhouse with him. He gets angry and tells me i'm ungrateful. What was that about? I keep remembering it over and over. 5-8 years: Running away, stealing, acting out, temper tantrums 15 years old: Dad makes me take my pants off and bend over so he can whip my naked butt with a belt. Feelings: shock, humiliation, violated. 17 years old: Waking up to Dad jerking off while he touches me. 8 years old: Dad watching me take baths with my little sister 8-17: Acting out is pointless, no one cares. Everyone will like me if I'm perfect. I'll never kiss boys, never stay out past curfew, never cuss, drink, or try drugs. I'll make good grades and take care of my little sister, bath her, give her medicine each night, pick her up from school, take her to swimming and piano. Perfect girl. Agriculture, good grades, agriculture, good grades. He never noticed. He bought me ponies and sheep, bragged to his farmers, but still at home he called me selfish, ungrateful, self-absorbed...never good enough. Successful performances, happy teachers, I'm so sweet, shy, submissive, sweet,shy, submissive. But still I was never okay I was never okay. I was everything he wanted me to be. I was perfect. And it took my life away. They sabotaged me. I make friends-sabotage. I find a crush- sabotage. Always sabotage. I just wanted to live.I just wanted to be okay for once. Everywhere I go, walking on egg shells, big pretty house filled with landmines. He would grab my neck with his hands and lead me around like a dog and shove me around. He told me to get my head out of my butt, I was never quick enough for him...snapping fingers, always hurry hurry hurry, hop to it, too slow...smack on the rear, it shocks me and makes me cry, his eyes become red, and turn into tiny slits and his mouth would become a line and harden, sharp, cold, bitter accusations questioning my goodness,my motives, my innocence and tell me I'm full of excuses, i'm lazy, selfish, ungrateful. Pinches, guilt, "other daughter call their fathers, why don't you call me" He's gone for 2 weeks and comes home, "You're never around, you never wanna spend time with "poor ol' daddy.." guilt trips, manipulation. I'm just ungrateful, self-absorbed, slow, I don't think fast enough, I don't order food fast enough, more shoving, more pinching, patronizing, talking to me like I'm stupid, his breath quickens he's controlling me with his arms and hands moving me around quickly, pinching, snapping, fake stiff hugs, "poor ol' daddy" you need to do more, do more, do more...Mommy needs help, mommy needs you to cook dinner, start doing more, do more" "Do what I say, now" Don't go to bathroom. Stop crying! I can't take you seriously when you cry! Respect, I demand respect..poor ole daddy...I work so hard I work so long. "Will you go get me a Sunday fudge ice cream?" "Go help your mom in the kitchen more" Don't look at your phone in my presence! Don't ignore me, I'm talking to you!Don't answer the phone when your with me, don' look at it! Me Me Me! It's all about me!" "See that girl, she's got it all figured out, and she your age too! see that girl? She knows how to talk to her dad's friends, she looks them in the eye, be more outgoing like her" "See that girl your age, she has a passion, and she's confident, be more like her"...over and over...nonstop for 23 years. I'm DONE. Just over and over..no rest ever. A slow, painful death. Like birds picking my flesh to the bone. Just picking and picking and more picking. Mom: "Admire me, please, tell me how great and wonderful I am, why are you so ungrateful, why don't you ever listen? The towels, the towels! Bring me tea in the morning, clean the kitchen with out me asking, then I'll know you love me. Why don't you love me? Please just do these things and show me you love me. The towels, the kitchen, your little sister feed her, bath her, I'm too sick, my back hurts, i'm depressed, why dont' you love me enough? Just tell me how great and am..."Mom I'm sorry, you're great, I'll be better I promise" "You don't mean it! You didn't take the trash out as soon you as you home, you don't really love me. Just bring me tea in the morning, just tell me how great and wonderful I am, you don't love me, you dont' speak my language, you dont love me, why don't you appreciate me! I do everything for you, why don't you do more for me, do more for me, do more do more do more. Prove your love, hugs aren't good enough, you can't just tell me, prove it, show it!Show you love me. Clean the garage, make dinner, clean the kitchen, deep my toilet, make my bed, don't forget tea in the morning. Admire me! Admire me! Be at my beck and call. Show you love me.." Then she yells, back me into a corner, I'm showering I'm naked she yells at me,I'm stranded I can't get out, I can't leave, she's getting red, her eyes are moving back and forth, she can't see me anymore,she just yells, wails, and cries. Over and over nonstop for 23 years. He scoffs at my real passion to help animals to safe and protect wild animals. My one real passion that came from me, my real internal passion. And he stomps on my baby mouse, he burns the puppy i was rescuing, he stabs my bird over and over and over again till it bleeds out. My passion he stabbed, he dragged, and pulled, I saw her face being thrown into the truck, he never comforts me, he never makes sure she's buried. He killed me. He killed my spirit. Fuck him. Fuck him. This I know. I cannot heal with him in my life. His presence is too painful and heavy. His voice is too loud. Picking, pinching, shoving, prodding, poking me to death, never enough. Just picking at my fleshy heart, my wounds are internal.. Just slow, steady, picking. I bleed out.
  8. Insignificant *TW-take care.

    I feel the universe expanding I become smaller Who am I to stir the pot? Pot stirrer, is what they call me The voices... You're just a girl Your feelings don't matter You just want attention Everything's about you, ha little girl? Is everything about you? You small, small, whiny little girl? Shut up and just stop Just stop Over-dramatic. Be practical, why make this about you? Look around, others have it worse You're just a girl Saying "Look at me, look at me." Why should we look at you, little girl Paranoid Avoident Borderline WEAK Why should anyone listen to you? You chose to be like this. This was your choice. You seduced him You're a witch, a slut in child's clothes Take responsibility for your life You're not a victim Get up, Get up! You don't belong here Stop taking up so much space Stop dwelling on your special problems There's others to worry about Go back where you came from Go back into hiding, Little girl, so small, insignificant So small, insignificant. Make them stop! Make them stop! Like balls of fire, they come at me BAM BAM BAM Lightening Quick they come Slow they leave No relief They never leave
  9. Time Alone

    At first I was really anxious about being alone for 4 days without my husband. But I'm kind of starting to frame it differently. There are upsides to this. First all, I am capable, independent, and I can take care of myself. I don't need my husband to feel safe. 1. I can watch all those dark drama/romances that my husband refuses to even consider 2. I can listen to Enya all day and do random dance routines and yoga meditations without being laughed at 3. I can pull an all-nighter without my husband getting worried 4. I can have baked potatoes and chili every night for dinner (variety isn't my strong suit) 5. I can spend a lot of time writing, journaling, painting, and working on my photography 6. I can go to the bar alone, for some reason I enjoy doing that. 7. I can invite my little sister for a sleep over. Yay, this will be fun.
  10. That's great! My husband and I had a similar conversation and he basically told me the same thing that we wouldn't stop,leave, or quit fighting for me, us. I know how much safer it made me feel...safe to heal. What he did for you was a huge step in your healing process. Best Wishes
  11. I've been experiencing flu-like symptoms that come and go. Taking a hot shower typically helps me with the achy muscles...I've read that flu-like feelings are a symptoms of anxiety. And i'm no doctor..but it sounds to me your having an anxiety attack, which would explain the insomnia. The rainbow..good things never last...I can see why seeing something that's supposed to symbolized good things would make you nervous. In my experience good things are inevitably followed by bad things.I'm a quitter too...I get overwhelmed, burnt out..feelings like "whats the point"... Anyway, all I'm saying is, I understand and can relate. You're not alone, and I'm sitting here with you. I encourage you to do something nice for yourself, and please, take gentle care, -Grey
  12. Ranting

    Last night my dreams consisted of three disturbing things. Tornadoes, several tornadoes with lightening coming out of them, death/loss of family members and loved ones, and losing my hair...the back of my hair was going bald. Anyways, it looks like I'm going to be alone this weekend..thurs-Sunday. I'm not looking forward to it, considering that I still have nightmares, panic attacks, etc. Being alone at night isn't going to help that. But I'll have my dog and my cats. Even my cats get alert and growl when they hear intrusive noises. So there's that. I'm angry at my husband because he agreed to lead worship at this conference without talking to me about it. He agreed to it under false pretenses, they told him that they'd pay him a lot of money and stuff. Well it turns out that he's getting paid squat. Yes, they screwed him. And instead of standing up to people he just takes it. Anyway, this just triggered me, considering that my husband was not only manipulated, he didn't think of me first when he agreed to this..i mean going out of town for 4 days is a big deal, and since he's not getting paid we can't afford to board the dog. And yeah, I don't have friends I can trust who would even want to watch her for me...actually I don't any have friends. I certainly cannot trust my Mom. Last time we trusted my dog in her care it was..not good. So I get to stay home alone for 4 days with no friends to hangout with, no family I can trust, just me...and my animals. Hell, I guess that's more than most people have. Anyways, we only have one car and he's taking it. So I'm literally stranded by myself, alone for 4 days. And I didn't get a single say in this whole ordeal. Definitely triggering. So yes, I'm going to smoke. I'm going to smoke my cigs and cope however I need to...leaving your wife at home by herself while she's going through PTSD and having panic attacks and bad dreams at night, that's not a great idea. But I'm an Adult, I'm capable. I can deal. I can deal. I'm capable and independent and I don't need my husband to feel safe.
  13. Also ive read the gruesome images harrass SA survivors...we have a hard time gettimg rid of those intrusive images. I eventually just had to take care of myself and stop watching movies like that, which saddened my husband who loves horror movies. Oh well, it's more important that I sleep at night than expose myself to that kind of thing. We exist in a different reality than most people. A reality where being attacked and victimized actually happens and not just in movies or to other people.
  14. Scarry movies have always affected me in serious ways. I watched one movie when I was 16 with some friends that haunted me for months...my friends were only affected for a night. One of the scenes was the killer sneaking into her room at night...I think it just hit a little too close to home for me. And even though your traumatic experience didnt ivolve blood and stuff, it was still horrific. And SA is violent even if there's no blood. I think it's perfectly normal for films like that to affect SA survivors more adversely than the typical person who has never been victimized.